⚘ Tension. ⚘
I haven't spoken to Minho since he broke things off. I guess it's expected though. I deserved it.
Practicing has been going on like usual. I think it's a little odd though. We don't argue, but we don't talk. I guess it's back to normal, just without the hatred now.
There's still the tension though. Now that we aren't speaking, there's a much bigger tension. There's also this other feeling; that everything is wrong. Absolutely everything.
It's wrong to not have him by my side, to have him back across the room. It's how it was before, and it just feels so wrong. I can't even explain how straining it is.
I look over to him, just to see what he's doing. He dancing, practicing for the project Chan informed us about. He looks good while doing it, but the way he looks isn't what I'm focused on.
He turns around, and his eyes meet mine. I kind of freeze. The look he is giving me makes me want to crawl in a hole and cry. He looks at me like he's in pain, like he's dying.
I look away before I break down in tears. Out of the corner of my eye, I see him look and walk away from me. I look back to him when I'm sure he isn't looking my way anymore.
The couch sinks in on the right side of me, and it makes me turn my head curiously. It's Felix. He looks off. Is everybody mad at me? Am I just that bad of a person to everybody nowadays?
He brings his legs up to his chest, resting his head on his knees while he looks at me. He sighs. "I know there's something you aren't telling me." He says, whispers.
"Why are you whispering?" I ask, also whispering. I don't say it in a joking manner, I ask seriously.
"Because if you don't want me to know," he starts, still whispering. "I figure you don't want anybody else to hear. Or maybe not, maybe I'm just being silly. Maybe everybody knows but me." His words get louder as he speaks, until he's talking in a normal tone.
"That's not the case." I say, bringing my legs up to sit criss-cross. "Not the case at all." I mumble.
"Then what's wrong?" He leans back on the couch, an upset look in his face. "Has Minho replaced me as a best friend? Or did I maybe do something to tick you off on my own?
I suck in a breath. "I'm going to tell you something and you can't tell anybody else in this room. In the world, even." I turn to him. "It will help you understand everything."
He furrows his brows, lowering his legs and scooting closer to me. "What?—" he asks, "What happened? What's wrong?"
I face him. "Minho and I have been sleeping with each other for the past couple of months." I say, whispering. "It started the night we all went out after my first performance, because he was jealous that I was taking to another man. It only got stronger since then, his jealousy and my feelings for him. We didn't go on the trip to stop hating each other, we went on the trip because we wanted to get to know each other better."
His mouth drops a little, and he listens to every word I say with wide eyes. He leans back, putting a hand over his mouth. "Say you're joking." He says in disbelief. "There's no way."
"No, but there's more." I say, a bit sadly. "The trip was amazing, phenomenal. It's after we got home that's a problem. I got asked out by Seungmin and I.. I didn't reject him. Minho didn't like that and now.. well... I think I lost him."
"Fuck." He says, still in disbelief. Eyes wide, eyebrows raised as he nods his head.
"Yeah." I say. "And I'm so sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I just wasn't— I didn't tell anybody. I was too nervous to admit it and I didn't want anybody to know it was just sexual."
"So now what? You guys are distancing?" He asks, looking over to Minho.
"Don't look at him." I whisper yell, hitting his thigh. "And yes, now he's avoiding me."
He looks back to me, chuckling a little bit. "Okay. Okay. Jeez." He says. "Well.. what are you going to do?" He asks, looking at me with a titled head.
"Why do I have to make the first move?" I ask, falling back on the couch.
"You started this argument?!" He exclaims. "Plus, once Minho decides he doesn't like you.. you have like a week to try and win him back. In your case, you probably have like three more hours."
I groan. "I'll do something when we get home then."
"Good luck." He pats my shoulder.
Oh god.
I'm out of time.
I lay in my bed, staring at the ceiling. It's midnight, and I was out of time hours ago. I've lost him. I just have to accept it now.
I have to accept a lot of things. I have to accept that I've ruined everything between us, lost all the progress we've made this past weekend. It was like taking a big step forward, only to take three bigger steps back.
I've probably lost the Minho I've known and almost fell in love with. The one that promised me forever, the one that would have done anything for me if I would have asked.
I've come to the conclusion that, yes, I do think I love him. I didn't know it now or then, and it may have just happened suddenly, and I may never get to tell him, but I think I love him.
But I also hate him. I hate him, but he's all I want. I hate that I love him. Thus, I hate him. I don't know. I'm confused, all of this is so confusing to me and I hate that I've let it go on this long.
I stare at the ceiling in the dark. I don't know what else to do. I did this to myself. It wasn't his fault, it was mine; and I really fucked up this time. Not saying no to another man's request? Fuck me.
He has every right not to want me. I wouldn't even want myself after this. I sigh. What is wrong with me? Why didn't I just say no? I could have, and I want to now. What will that do though? Calm me down, yeah, but all that matters is Minho.
I groan. I'm going to get up.
I force myself out of bed, sitting in the edge of it for a few seconds. The moonlight shines through the window, lighting up the room for me. The candle from the hotel, that I stole for good measure, also is lit.
Can I burn a candle? Like destroy it? Quickly? Probably. It's a candle for fucks sake, things like that are meant to burn.
I stand up, not even bothering to stretch my pent up body. I walk to the bathroom, opening the door. I flick on the light and freeze. His eyes stare into mine, and he slowly turns to look at me.
It all happens so fast. One minute we are looking at each other in shock, the next he's running, the next I'm holding his arm back.
He pulls his arm away from mine, but he doesn't walk away. It hurts a little, him not wanting me to touch him, but I understand. He also didn't run away, which makes me feel a bit better.
"Minho.." I speak, breaking the silence.
"Hyunjin.. please don't." He pleads.
I'm a bit taken aback. He's already pleading, but for what? He looks at me with his tired eyes, like he hasn't slept in a while. I look to the sink, seeing the bottle of sleeping pills spilled on the counter.
I look back to him slowly. He shakes his head. "Please.. just don't even talk and let me go."
I'm not stopping him. In fact, I'm not even holding him back. His door is wide open, and he is only a few inches away. His actions speak louder than his words, he doesn't want to leave.
"Minho.." I slowly move towards him.
I reach for his hand, but he backs away. "Hyunjin, I can't do this. You're messing with my head and I hate you for it."
"We can talk, please. Just let me speak to you." I am the pleading one now, begging him with my eyes. I don't move towards him anymore, I make sure to keep my distance like he wants me to do.
"I can't do it again." He says. "It's already been so many times. When does it end? When will we be happy?"
"We can be happy." I say.
"Then why do we keep messing up?" He asks.
I've never seen Minho act like this. He seems so desperate. He seems like he is fighting his own self now, and I don't know how I like seeing him like this. Well, I don't. I don't like it, and I don't like that I caused it. It's my fault and I hate it.
"Just... I— I don't know, Min." I say.
"I can't keep doing this, Hyunjin." He says, before turning away. He is almost out the door before he turns back to me. "Do you want me or not? Like seriously. Make up your mind before you try to come back."
That's the last thing he says to me. I hate that we've got to this point. Why can't I just do this correctly? Why? Why is he right, about us and how we keep messing up?
Why can't I stop messing up?
I just want to love him. I just want him to be mine. I just want to be able to hold him at night, to wear his boxers, to smile and kiss him until I feel I've shown him how much I love him.
I want to love him so badly. But if we have to go through all these extremes just to have a happy ending, is it worth it? I thought it was supposed to be easy.
Whatever. Maybe I know nothing. Maybe I know nothing and that's why I keep failing him. Maybe.. well... actually I do know something—
I know that I love him.