For the next few days before Rosé leaves, I keep my head down and do whatever I can do distract myself.
I work any shifts I can pick up, begging Seokjin for more and pretending like I just need the money; I go on long runs and don't stop until I physically can't breathe anymore; I finish assignments that don't need to be handed in for weeks and I even go as far as cleaning my apartment from top to bottom. Basically, I keep myself and my mind busy and purposely miss phone calls, texting back the people who call me—namely Jisoo, Jennie and Jaehyun—and say that I was in the shower, or I couldn't pick up for some bullshit excuse and I know they don't buy it, but I can't find it in me to care.
It's only the night before Rosé's due to leave, and I'm curled up on the sofa, not watching whatever is on the television that Jisoo rings me insistently—thirteen times, to be exact—that I finally decide to pick up. I groggily reach over, bringing my cell in front of me and stare at Jisoo's name for a long time before I exhale heavily and rest the cell by my ear, letting it balance there as I drop my hand back to the space in front of me.
"Oh great, you haven't been eaten by Alsatians."
I frown, but I can't even be bothered to come up with a witty retort. "Apparently not."
"You could've picked up your phone, you know."
"I did."
"On the fourteenth call," Jisoo deadpans down the line and I roll my eyes.
"Yeah, well normal people would take the hint after the third time."
"Then I'm sorry to disappoint you," she replies.
I let out a long, heavy exhale, closing my eyes and shaking my head a little, minding not to knock the phone off my face. "You always disappoint me, so just say what you have to and then I'll get back to watching TV."
Jisoo clicks her tongue at me down the line, but I ignore her. I'm so tempted to just hang up but I know she has something important to tell me by the silence she's now giving me. I've been friends with her long enough to know when she's trying to find the right way to say something difficult; and I have a funny feeling it has to do with Rosé. I'm not sure I want to hear this.
"Just spit it out," I hiss impatiently. I can feel my stomach begin to flutter nervously.
There's a beat of silence before Jisoo just blurts out, "Rosé wants everyone to see her off from her apartment."
I'm sitting upright before I know it, my breath suddenly halting and hand snapping to keep the phone to my ear. "What?" I ask, a little breathless, not quite understanding what I just heard. Her apartment? Why would Rosé want everyone to see her off there? "Why not the airport?"
Jisoo gulps audibly. "She said..." she pauses and I press my tongue to the back of my teeth. "She said it'd be too hard to say goodbye."
"She..." The words catch in my throat and I swallow thickly, suddenly finding it hard to breathe. The news shouldn't really make me feel like this because I know Rosé's still going, she's still leaving and nothing's changed but something about her not being able to say goodbye at the airport because it's 'too hard' gives me a little hope. Maybe she can't say goodbye at the airport because when faced with the pressure, with the final decision and the reality that she's leaving, she'd turn back and not be able to leave. She wouldn't be able to get on that plane.
And okay, I don't know it's because of me, I don't know that it'd be too hard for her to say goodbye to me, but somewhere deep down inside, I suspect it and that thing, hidden away, makes me feel like it is because of me.
"What time are you picking me up?" I say, instead of going with my earlier sentence.
"Nine o'clock."
I nod, because I don't know what else to do, but I feel like there's a little flicker of hope burning within me that maybe if I see her off, if I say goodbye, she might discover that it's too hard to say goodbye even when she's not at the airport, and maybe she'll stay.
Just maybe.
"Okay, thanks. Bye, Chu." I pull the phone away from my ear, but I hear Jisoo call my name and quickly bring it back. "Yeah?"
"I... I don't agree with your decision, by the way... but I understand it, and it shows that you're an amazing friend."
The thing is, I don't want to be an amazing friend to Rosé. I want to be more. But she's leaving, and that's something I can't fight or change.
So I gulp, cling to that tiny flash of hope burning with me and whisper, "Thanks," down the line before hearing Jisoo say goodbye and then I hang up.
I lie back down on the sofa, pushing my phone out in front of me and stare at it for as long as my eyes will allow because I don't know for definite what Jisoo meant about Rosé thinking it's too hard to say goodbye, I have my suspicions but nothing solid, yet I still feel a little something within me. And I know it'll only bring disappointment, it'll only make it harder for me when I watch her leave... but I have to believe in something.
Because if I don't have hope, I don't have anything to keep myself going.
***
I wake up in the morning and act like everything's normal.
I act like I'm not about to say goodbye to my best friend and the love of my life and go through my daily routines just like I would any other day. I shower, I brush my hair and dry it, I dress and make coffee and toast and catch up on the daily news. I sit there, at my breakfast table, trying not to think about what I'm going to have to do today and instead pretend like everything's fine.
I have to if I'm going to get through this.
Jisoo turns up at nine on the dot, ringing the buzzer and I open the door, not even bothering to smile at her as she walks in and waits for me to grab my jacket. I shrug it on, checking myself over once in the mirror and ignore the way it looks like someone put out the light behind my eyes, the way my skin is paling and how I look like someone who's just lost everything they ever wanted and follow Jisoo wordlessly as she leaves, locking my door on the way out.
I'm a little surprised when I find Jisoo's car parked outside my building as she only lives a few blocks away, but I don't even ask and instead climb into the passenger seat, looking straight out the window as Jisoo slides in and starts the engine. I just watch New York go by in a blur and then all too soon, I'm pulling up outside a familiar building and Jisoo's shutting off the engine but not moving to get out.
"Are you ready?"
I don't answer for a long moment, choosing to clench my jaw intermittently and debate whether to answer with the truth or not.
In the end, I go for telling a lie. "Yeah," I breathe.
Jisoo sighs, and I hear the disappointment lingering within it. "She's already outside," she comments, quietly.
And that's all I need to make it too real to handle.
It's a rush to the head and I close my eyes, forcing away the dizziness that creeps up on me because I just can't accept that Rosé's leaving. That Rosé's moving to London, away from me, and that I'm not going to see her face every single day. I've seen that smile, looked into those eyes and felt my heart stutter every damn day for the past year and I don't know how I'm going to live without it now.
I don't want to.
And I don't want to have to find a way to live without her.
"Let's just get this over and done with," I croak in a voice that's foreign to my ears. I've never heard my voice have so much emotion.
I don't need to look at Jisoo to know she nods and instead I climb out the car, step on to the sidewalk and close the door behind me before I bury my hands into my pockets. Jisoo rounds the car, joining me and we both walk on over, my feet feeling heavier, my heart getting pounding harder and harder against my ribcage the closer I get to Rosé. My pulse is so loud in my ears now I can't hear any of the standard New York City noises, and it feels weird but I can't really focus on that.
Not when I pick up my head to find the entire gang there, including the Choi's and their new addition, standing outside Rosé's apartment, huddled together in front of a sleek black car with Rosé standing beside it.
Not when I look at the car that's going to take her away from me.
Not when I look at the girl that's going to walk out my life and leave a massive void I know nothing else can fill.
All her bags are still on the sidewalk, and I suppose she just got here, but I wonder why Jisoo and I are the last to arrive. So I look to Jisoo and I can just tell by the sad smile she gives me in return that she thought this would be best, that this way I wouldn't have to drag out saying goodbye and I have to admit, I'm kind of glad. She was right. This is too painful and too goddamn hard as it is.
And I think everyone knows that, including Jennie who rarely gets her head out her own ass, because everyone looks away, pointedly not meeting my eye but have the utmost sadness in their own eyes. I know they know how hard this, and I feel affection grip my chest as I think of how they know not to give me a sympathetic expression as that's the worst thing to do in this situation for me. I prefer ignorance, because being numb to other people's feelings and my own is easier.
"Okay," I hear and my heart tightens as I look up to find Rosé looking over the gang, finally breaking the silence as Jisoo and I slide up to stand in front of her. "So... I wanted you all here because you guys mean so much to me," her eyes flicker to me momentarily, and I swear I watch her lips form especially me, but she's talking again before I can process whether I just imagined that or not. "And I wanted to say goodbye properly." I gulp as she says goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye. This can't actually be happening. "I wanted to tell you how much I love you guys and how you've been the most incredible people in my life. I can't imagine where I'd be without you," she continues, the tears glossing over her eyes as they move around each person standing before her. "And because of that... I couldn't handle any of you taking me to the airport because—because this is already hard enough," she chokes out and I fight back my own tears at her tone.
"But I just wanted you all to know," she starts again, pulling her brows together and wringing her hands nervously in front of her, her fingers rubbing her ring finger absently. I clench my teeth together, my heart beating loud and heavy against my chest as I fight the urge to say something. To speak up and tell her not to leave, but then her eyes dart to mine again and my face drops as she speaks once more, this time directed to me quite obviously. "I wanted you all to know that I—that I've loved every moment of being with you," she emphasizes on every, her face scrunching up and I hate that I can tell she's about to cry. It makes me want to cry, too. "And that I wouldn't change it for the world."
I feel the air leave my chest and almost choke, but then there's a hand pressing against my back comfortingly, and I look to Jisoo on my left but she has both her hands in front of her; so I glance to the right and find Jennie there, smiling ahead with her chin lifted. She's not looking at me, and I know it's for my own comfort and I get this overwhelming urge to hug her because we two haven't exactly been the closest, but somehow she understands me more than most. Sometimes I think I might be able to get on with her because she may have her head up her own ass ninety-nine percent of the time, but she's perceptive to other people's feelings, and the proof is that text from the other night.
When I flick my vision back to Rosé, I can see her starting to give her goodbye hugs and I take a deep breath. I know mine is coming, and I know that when Jisoo urges herself between me and Jennie, leaving me for the last, that she's giving me and Rosé the last hug. She's giving me something that I deserve and I have to fight another urge to cry because I really fucking love my friends.
So I just stand there, my eyes focused on the sidewalk and how I'm scuffing my off-white Chucks against it, deeply anticipating Rosé's last goodbye. I can feel my heart aching from what's to come, but it's inevitable and even though I'd do pretty much anything to keep Rosé here, I know she's going to be happy. I'm not saying goodbye, really; I'm just saying “see you later” because she will be back. At some point in time she will, and I'm just desperately clinging on to that fact so I don't break down.
It's the only thing I have left.
I'm so caught up in my head that I don't realize that Rosé's coming to me next until she's standing before me and I force myself to look up. My eyes meet hers, and my heart nearly jumps out at the sight of her staring at me with such soft, loving eyes. I don't know how I'm going to go without seeing that look every single day.
"Well, this is it," she says first, breaking the lingering silence between us and I manage a weak smile, sucking in my lips as I nod, heat prickling at my eyes.
"I guess so," I whisper, my voice breaking from the absence of speech.
She gazes at me, her eyes brimming with tears and out the corner of my eye, I watch the group urge off a little, Jisoo, Jennie and Jaehyun herding them off like sheep until there's a large space between me and Rosé and them. Far enough that they can't hear what we are saying, and I shoot Jaehyun a grateful look when he turns and catches my eyes. I feel like I need my alone time with Rosé, to say what I have to and not what I need to because that will crush me.
"It feels like I'm growing up," Rosé chokes out, her lips twitching into a smile as her vision drop to my neck, unable to meet my eyes.
But I step forward, tilting her chin up and look her straight in the eye. I'm not going to be able to look into them for such a long time that I need to take as much as I can now. "You are growing up," I confirm, my voice a lot more serious than hers but thick with emotion. She always tries to lighten serious subjects with her brilliant smile and heavenly laughter. God, I'm going to miss that. "You're chasing your dreams."
The tears begin spilling from her eyes and I know I have one last chance to hug her, to take as much of her in as I can and so I wrap my arms around her waist, pulling her into a brace and she quickly sinks into it, her arms wrapping around my neck and her head burrowing into my hair. She breaks into sobs the second her face is hidden, and I clutch her tighter, willing myself not to cry because I can't. I can't make this worse than it is and I need to enjoy this. Enjoy what I can have in these last few moments I have because it's all I've got left.
So I don't let go. My fingers clutch at the fabric of her shirt, fisting it as I pull her tighter against me until I'm sure we could fuse together as one. I close my eyes, let my head swim with her scent and enjoy the warmth that spreads through me the longer she clings to me. I can feel her heart thumping against my chest and clench my jaw because I know she loves me back. I know she does, in this moment, I know, and it should hit me like a train on the track, it should suck the breath from me because I've questioned this for so long.
But it doesn't.
Because I think I've always known. I think I've always known because of the way she looks at me, the way she touches me and how she comforts me. I think she's loved me for as long as I can remember, because she was always the one there for me, she was always the one that made me smile and she's always known what to do when no-one else did. She's always been the one, the one I never really chose, but the one I've always known I never wanted to lose.
She's always been the one I never knew I needed.
Though here in this moment, I do know. I realize that I've needed her all along, that she's my accidental happily ever after, that I've been out searching for something that's been under my nose the entire time. And now it's so clear. So so clear that she's everything I've ever needed, ever wanted, ever dreamed of, and I know that as she's holding, telling me everything with her embrace because her lips can't say it, that she loves me back.
That's she's in love with me, just like I am with her.
And even though I feel like I'm on cloud nine, because it's what I've fretted over, what I've worried and I've cried over for so long now, because it's everything I've ever wanted, I still know that it's not enough.
The love isn't enough, because it won't keep us together. And even though I hate that, it's something I can't fight; but it still makes me hold her tighter and take in everything. Like the way her nose nuzzles against my ear as tears leak on to my skin. Like the way when she breathes, I can feel her chest contract. Like the way she just seems to mold against me like we two are puzzle pieces. Like the way it feels like I'm complete when she's in my arms. And like the way I can feel her love even though it hasn't been spoken of.
We stand there for what feels like hours, clutching and clinging on to each other, but it's finally broken when I hear someone clear their throat and open my stinging eyes to find the driver waiting patiently behind Rosé. I don't know how long he's been standing there, but figure he was putting away Rosé's bags at first as I find them no longer spread over the sidewalk and force myself to peel away from her. She gives me resistance, fingers digging into my back but finally gives away, squeezing one last time before we both take a step back and stare into each others eyes.
"We're ready to go, Miss Park," the driver cuts in, gently, his eyes darting between us two. "Your flight will be leaving soon."
It's a subtle reminder that Rosé needs to go, but it's a major reminder that I'm about to lose a piece of myself.
My eyes move back to Rosé to find her crying, tears streaming down her cheeks and hands wiping furiously at them, but the flow is so heavy they're replaced the second they're gone. I just give a weak smile and step forward, my hands coming up to her cheek, thumbs stroking them away instead of her having to do it and her fingers wrap around my forearms, rooting me as my eyes gaze into each others once more.
And neither of us say anything, but we don't need to. We both know it's coming to end, even if I don't want it to.
I also want to kiss her. I want to tell her I love her. I want to make her stay here and I want to make her mine.
I want a lot of things, all of which include her.
But the thing I want most... is for Rosé to be happy.
And that means Rosé going to London and following her dreams.
Shit. It means leaving me behind.
"Lisa," Rosé starts, choking out my name like it's the last word that'll ever leave her lips.
I look at her, like really look at her and feel nothing but love for this girl. I don't know how you ever went without her, and even though I never want to, I know I have to. Sometimes things fall apart for better things to come together, and I can only hope that we two will come together at some point in time because I need her. I don't love her because I need her, I need her because I love her.
I really love her.
"You need to go," I whisper, not sure I can handle what she's going to say. I can see it playing on her lips. "You need to go because it'll only be harder if we drag this out."
She stares at me, the tears still streaming but I just offer a sad smile because this is it. This is her leaving and I can't do a single thing to stop it. I don't want to. I just love her too much.
And she must see it in my eyes because even though she's crying, even though I can see that she doesn't want to leave me, she bites her lip, holding back the words and turns away, stepping toward the driver who's holding open the door. She rests her hand on the frame of the door, and I stand there, my hands hanging beside my body uselessly as I watch her duck to climb into the car, but before she's seated, she stops, twists and looks me dead in the eye.
"I... I'm gonna miss you," she whispers and my lips twitch up into a smile that holds no happiness.
I step forward, nodding to the driver as to say I'll take this and he gives me a firm nod back, rounding the car to climb into the driver's seat. Rosé slides down into the seat, pulling her legs into the car and I study her body language, how her hands play on her laps and how she's leaning toward the door like she's holding back the urge to climb back out again. I'd give anything for her to do that, but I don't want her to.
So I shut the door, putting something between us because I have to and Rosé leans out the window, bringing our faces so close as I bend a little down to her. "Not half as much as I'm going to miss you," I reply and I've never meant anything more in my life.
I don't know how I do it, but I manage to fight the tears that threaten to spill and resist the urge to give her one last kiss because I know that's all I'll ever remember; the feel of her lips against mine for the very last time. That's all I'll remember, the thing I'll see in my dreams for months to come: the sadness in the kiss left between us two as I parted separate ways and this way, I'll be able to remember our last kiss as something happy, as something I can look back on and enjoy.
With quivering hands, I manage to push off the car and straighten up, keeping my eyes on hers as the driver calls to her, asking if she's ready to go.
I know she's not, and I'm not ready for her to leave either, but that's just a matter of timing and it seems timing has never been great between us and God, do I hate that.
Rosé leans back into her seat, twisting her head and looking straight ahead through glassy brown eyes as the car peels away from the curb and drives off.
It gets further and further away, and I step off the curb and into the middle of the road as I watch the car disappear into the distance, taking my heart with it; and even though I wonder whether I should chase it down, jump in with her and say I'll go with her, I know I can't. My life is here, and hers is now in London, and that's just something I've got to accept.
So I just let her go.