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H.STYLES
Harry freaked out, and fucked up. Simple as that. Nothing else to it.
Overwhelmed by the reality he lived, he suddenly couldn't stop the thoughts of her leaving him. The time they had together was limited, and sex like what they had was bound to make it worse for him in the end. It made him realise how deeply in love he was with River, how much he would've sacrificed for her if she simply thought about it, and everything that followed this newfound clarity caused him to spiral.
The funny thing about it had to be the reason behind his actions that evening. The reason that forced his hand to push her away. If he had to be honest, he knew it was stupid but he couldn't control how he felt when River told him about her evening routine.
Yes.
River Hamilton's evening routine sent Harry Styles running for the hills.
The way in which she spoke about what she did before bed every night opened up a new door of her life to him. One where she spent precious time taking care of herself with luxurious products and things, and Harry knew then.
In that very moment.
The switch flicked in his brain, telling him he could never give her the life she expected.
Granted, River never explicitly told him she expected anything from him but he knew. Someone like her didn't grow up the way she did then settled for something less. It was painfully obvious how out of place River looked at Harry's dinner table. Hell, the entire apartment felt much too small to have someone like her inside of it. Almost like trying to fit a rectangle shape object into a circle. It just wasn't happening.
Neither were they.
Not for how he wished to have her. Forever.
Whilst it didn't take away from how he behaved like an asshole, and probably hurt her beyond explanation, the time Harry gave himself to understand his own actions was beneficial. It was a wakeup call he needed. It blared, sure, it made his ears ring for days, certainly, but he was glad for it.
Because what the fuck did he think? That he'd be able to convince River to be with him? To help her plan something so her parents let them be together?
It made him scoff. The childishness he felt as he thought about it in detail. A powerful man like Dexter Hamilton didn't give a shit about anything but success. If he could marry his only daughter off for a benefit, he was going to do it, and nothing and no one was going to be able to stop it. Certainly not an employee of his.
Even though Harry knew he shouldn't have tossed River to the side like she didn't matter to him, he didn't know how to control his emotions in her presence. Being so painfully blinded by the reality caused his brain to focus on the negatives, and pushed his actions to save him. Survival mode was a strange thing humans fell into without much of a choice. It was an instinct.
Still, he didn't make a move to apologise. It hurt him to not have her beside him the next morning. It hurt him to not get a text from her throughout the day. It hurt him but he deserved it, and he decided to take it on the chin.
It ruled his mood at work. More than usual, he behaved like a grumpy asshole and his staff stayed clear of him. No one bothered him and he was fine with it. Customers didn't ask for him. River certainly didn't find an excuse to turn up at the Clubhouse uninvited.
Harry found it made sense for him to keep her away. The longer they went without each other the easier it would be for both of them to move on. Given the fact that they had sex for the first time, and Harry practically threw her out probably cut her deep enough that she would stay away from him.
It killed. Harry didn't know it could hurt so much to be away from a person. Every breath he took felt like he swallowed mouthfuls of water into his lungs. Each step he forced his feet to make were weighed down by rocks. Even when he scratched his back he winced because she left marks behind, his skin still red and raw from how deep she clawed her nails.
Patience usually came to Harry with ease. This time he struggled immensely. He picked his phone up more times than he could've counted with the intent to text River, and two times he actually selected their previous exchanges. Those two times he got lost in those messages but it hurt his heart to read them back.
It hurt him when he looked at his watch which was simply insane. Sure, she got it for him but he couldn't believe the power she held over him.
Knocking disturbed his focus. He called out and the door opened.
"Hey," Katie, one of the girls who worked at the Clubhouse, smiled and gave him a little wave. "The boss is here. Gazebo."
"River?" he asked back with his heart suddenly in his throat.
"Yup," Katie nodded. "Being served right now. Wanted to speak to you. She has the tendency of finding me to fetch you for her every time she is here."
That much was true. Harry gave her a low chuckle to acknowledge the humour laced through her voice. "Thanks, Katie. I'll be right out."
"No worries," she smiled again and disappeared behind the, now locked, door.
So, River was at the Clubhouse. Unlike she usually would, she didn't visit his office and it said enough about how much their situation shifted. Unsure of what would await him outside, he remained seated in his chair and gathered his thoughts.
River could end things with him. Harry wouldn't be surprised if she decided he wasn't worth her time. Without a doubt, he would be hurt because he loved her so much it worried him for his future, but he would understand.
River could try and rationalise what happened that night. There was a high possibility that she clarified everything that happened on her end, and she came to him now because she had questions. Harry wasn't sure if he had answers for those questions, then again, he supposed he needed to hear her before he could make up his mind.
It started to unsettle him to stay seated and prepare for the unknown.
All his thoughts, feelings, and energy packed up, he pushed to his feet, grabbed his black Clubhouse fleece and left the office in one motion. The quicker he got out, the quicker he got answers.
It was chilly outside, and he didn't understand why River chose to sit in the gazebo. When he got there, and caught her in only a grey blazer which appeared way too thin, he nearly scolded her for being so careless.
Right in that moment, he saw one of the guys serve her the drink she ordered, and thankfully it came in a mug, steaming. She thanked the waiter, then smiled at Harry like everything was fine between them. It made him furrow his brows and feel like he was being played.
"Hey," he said eventually as he took a seat. "I didn't expect to see you here."
"I'm sure you didn't," she agreed, the smile on her face now a threat more than a kind gesture. It shouldn't have bothered him that she didn't greet him back but it bugged him to not get a kiss. "But I am here, and you are going to tell me what the fuck happened the other night."
Right. Straight to the point.
She added, "I'm disappointed you didn't contact me the following day to explain and apologise. I expected better from you."
Harry swallowed down the urge to blurt out a meaningless apology. River didn't want to hear him say sorry. She wanted an explanation—rightly so.
"I panicked," he said. It was the best he could do because he didn't know how else to explain himself. River didn't move a muscle as she watched him like a hawk, ready to attack. Harry realised he danced on a thin rope.
Much to his annoyance, the words refused to come to him. Harry had two days to come up with a worthy apology but he failed, and the fact that he already disappointed her cut him between his ribs. He found there was nothing like disappointing this woman. His insides felt like someone was clawing at them, peeling his flesh and organs apart. Acid rose in his throat and he couldn't stomach it fast enough to hold back his breakfast.
The expected look on her face was scary. River would've never let her anger surface but the way her eyes roamed all over him was somehow worse.
"Look, I didn't want to hurt you," he blurted out and reached across the table to hold her hand. He needed the physical connection between them because he felt miles away from her. Two days made him ache for her touch. His heart settled when she didn't pull away, even if her face remained unreadable. "I was overwhelmed. I got too in my head. I don't know what was going on, and I still don't exactly understand why I pushed you away."
Silence followed his ramble, and even when he tried to pull his words together, he got so lost in his thoughts that he didn't notice her thumb running over his knuckles. The touch felt so familiar, so natural, that it slipped past him. Once he did notice, his palms started to sweat and he tightened his fingers around her hand.
"I fucked up, and I understand if you can't forgive me."
At last, she raised her eyebrows. "Don't put this on me. Of course, I can't forgive you—you haven't explained yourself, nor did you apologise."
"Right," he nodded, quiet, and ready to pull away.
She kept his hand in place. "You are turning into yourself again. Talk to me."
"I don't know what to say," he admitted.
"Why?"
Harry shrugged.
"That's not good enough," she shook her head. Intertwined their fingers. "You hurt me. I can see you are hurting, too, so why don't you start by telling me what happened after we had sex?"
That sounded like a good plan to Harry. Much better than what he could've offered.
Harry exhaled, long, and averted his gaze. "After we had sex, I kind of started getting lost in my own head, I think. It felt too good to be true—to have you and keep you and be with you in a way that felt... real. I think that's it—that night made everything real."
"Real?" she asked back.
"I know that you have obligations, and what we're doing is temporary but that night we spent together didn't feel temporary," he said. It was true. As much as he knew it didn't matter in the grand scheme of things, he couldn't help himself. "And then, of course, my head got the better of me and I couldn't make sense of anything. Sending you away was the best thing I could've done then."
It felt like a poor thing to say. All of it. Harry started to regret it immediately. He didn't say what he really thought but he felt embarrassed to be so emotionally open. He held back and then stayed quiet because he was ready for the worst.
"I can understand where you are coming from but I can't excuse your behaviour. You hurt me and every time you do, it seems to be the same thing with you," she said. Harry's heart stopped and he was glad he already sat—his knees would've buckled beneath him. Even his grasp on her hand went limp. "You reject me every time something happens, and I don't know why you resort to this when you know I prefer talking about things, and I would never undermine your feelings on anything."
"Talking about the problem, or how I'm feeling was never the clear answer in my life. I'm not used to discussing things. I just... I don't know. I close myself off and wait out the issues until they're gone."
"I can't work with that," she told him. The fact that their hands were still intertwined made him feel better. "You are a grown up, and you should be able to get a handle on your feelings. Life hasn't been kind to you, and I can sympathise with that but not when it makes me feel worthless to you, and certainly not when it makes me feel used."
"River..."
She reached for her tea which meant they no longer had any physical contact between them. Harry's hand suddenly became cold and he missed the weight of her. Silence wrapped around them while she took a few sips of her drink.
"I came to visit you today because I knew you wouldn't make the first move," the words came out cold, even if nothing about her external demeanour had changed. Safe to say, Harry was paralyzed. "I wanted to know what made you panic, and I wanted to know where you stand. Clearly, there's a lot you haven't processed yet and I realise I can't rush you into a decision but I do have something to say if you don't mind?"
Harry nodded, suddenly speechless.
"Alright," she exhaled. Drank some more of her tea. "I spoke to my father yesterday. I told him I was serious about pursuing a relationship with someone else—that would be you. As expected, he challenged me. He listed all the reasons why I couldn't be seen with another man, how the rumours would weaken the agreement he made with Charlie's father, but I countered all of his points and he listened."
"I'd imagine that was difficult," he commented, eyebrows furrowed as he focused on her face. He wished to see some form of reaction on there but she hid it incredibly well. Harry noticed he was locked out; a door had been placed between them all because of his thoughtless actions.
"It was very difficult," she agreed. "I don't often go against my father's wishes, or my mother's, especially not on a matter as ancient as my future."
"But you did this time."
"I did this time," she confirmed, eyes intent on peeling back whatever ran through Harry's mind. She wanted to know what he thought, and he was certain she saw the realisation flash in his glance. "I told him I had serious intentions, and I deserved the freedom to make my own mistakes. I told him he could either let me be with you, or he could forbid me from it, but if he chose the latter, it would be the last decision he ever made regarding me."
River didn't need to elaborate on that point. Harry heard it perfectly—her father either let go of the leash around her neck, or she would cut it. Free herself from not only the promise of a marriage with a man she had no interest in, but also from the cocoon that her name folded her in.
Harry started to breathe quicker as he pieced together her words. River went against her family on more than one occasion to give them a future. She quite literally told her father to disown her if they don't agree with her choice. There was no way Harry would've allowed that, but the fact that she was ready to completely distance herself from her family—the family who she would've done anything in this world for—made him feel important. Made him feel seen. Made him feel loved.
Not enough times did people put Harry first but River did.
He couldn't help the way his eyes misted and blurred his vision. It forced him to look away from River, and sniffle as quietly as he could.
Feet against the tiles caught his attention, then a warm body wrapped around him turned his head. River scooted closer to him, lifted his left arm, and cuddled herself to his side. Harry chuckled as a tear finally escaped and rolled down his cheek, pulling River closer to his body with both arms.
"I'm so sorry for hurting you," he said between sniffles, his hand running up and down her arm. Harry leaned his cheek against the crown of her head and closed his eyes for a moment. "I was scared I would lose you before I even had any time with you. It's like a game I know I'm going to lose but I can't help racing against time."
"You won't lose me, Harry. Not if I have anything to do about it," she promised, her voice strong and she sounded determined. Harry decided he couldn't fight her on it. She went against her family for him. "You can have me for as long as you want. And if someone has something to say about it, I will deal with them."
The words made him smile. It was reassuring to hear them. This conversation was exactly what he needed. All this time, though especially in the last couple of weeks, he felt as though he danced in the air, weightless, but still expecting the eventual drop.
"I only need you to be sure about this," she mentioned a moment later, quieter and less confident. It sounded like a question from her mouth and she pulled away from him to get a better look at his face. Harry aimed to hone his features in. Her eyes danced between his as she awaited his response, patient as always. "If you want to be with me as badly as you claim, I need you to tell me. I need you to stop pushing me away. I need you to talk to me instead of shutting down. Is that something you can give me?"
Could he? He seemed to fail every time they were presented with a tough lesson. What happened two days ago was still incredibly fresh, and honestly, it blinded his memories. It was all he could focus on.
"What are you thinking?" she wondered, quiet, curious. He noted he got lost in his head again. He needed to prove he was worthy of her, and that started with letting her in. Especially in that moment.
"I'm thinking about how I made the wrong decision the other night, and resulted in hurting you. I'm thinking I'm going to fuck up in the near future, and I won't deserve your patience, your care, your time. I'm thinking I want to say yes to all of your requests but I can't help the doubt that comes with that response."
River nodded. Processed his thoughts. He was terrified what she would say. This is why he rarely, if ever, shared the workings of his mind. Everything he said could be misinterpreted, and everyone knew Harry sucked at explaining himself.
"Listen," she sighed and positioned herself so they faced each other. Her hand landed on his upper thigh and the warmth from her touch put him at ease. He missed her so much it was unbelievable. "I want you to try. I want you to want to try, okay? This is not a test or anything of the sort. This is just you and me, and nothing at its core needs to change."
It made sense. She made sense. Definitely more than his head told him. Harry needed to take control of his anxiety and stop playing the victim in this relationship. It wouldn't get him anywhere, and he knew this.
"Hey," her touch suddenly warmed his left cheek. Curious brown eyes fixated on his. "Come back to me," she smiled softly, barely there but he saw it.
Harry reached up and wrapped his fingers around her wrist. He managed to catch the bracelet she wore there. Rubbed his thunb across the back of her hand. "I'm here. I want to try. I love you, River."
The smile she gave him shook his entire world. Warmth spread in his chest and coiled low in his stomach. One single moment kept him back from kissing her on the mouth and reminding himself of just how much he loved the taste of her.
"That sounds much better," she replied. "Now, I want to let you know that I am still hurt, and I have been through a lot in these past couple of days. I'm completely wiped emotionally, and this conversation sucked everything from my back up battery, therefore I need to go home and pick myself up."
Harry tsked, his head tilted. He wanted to protect her from all the shit that she went through, even if it was himself, he needed to defeat. River was usually full of energy, and constantly happy, laughing and engaging with everyone around her. Sitting so close to her, Harry could see the soft creases of exhaustion beneath her bloodshot eyes. If he didn't hate himself enough, he made sure to give himself some more blame for this.
Unable to hold back, he pulled her closer and kissed her forehead. She sighed and relaxed against him like she missed him as much as he missed her.
"Will you be okay getting home?" he asked. He would take an extra hour of break if needed to take her home himself.
"Yes. Anthony is here," she responded. Of course. She never went anywhere without a chauffeur. Then again, if Harry had access to a driver, he probably would've relied on them, too. Well, perhaps to an extent. He liked his freedom too much.
"Alright, honey," he sighed and the stress started to leave his body. Shoulders started to sag which made his back resemble one end of a bracket. He rubbed her arm just to have his touch on her because hugging her didn't seem to be close enough. "I love you."
"I love you," she said back, the words enough to make his heart stop. Even his arm stilled and it made River pull away, giggling. "What?" she smiled at him.
"I love the way you said it," he whispered, a smile gradually growing on his face.
"Don't get used to it," she pinched his side and reached over to pick up her tea. Harry watched her in amazement. One thing he knew for sure—well, two, if he didn't count the fact that he loved her—and it was that he didn't deserve her. Not after the other night, that was for damn sure, but he was willing to spend the rest of his life making up for it.
"I never will," he said. He never would. To be loved by a woman like River Hamilton was equal to, if not exceeding, the feeling of winning the lottery. She smiled at him over the rim of her mug and he found himself replicating the gesture. His voice was soft when he asked, "Are we good?"
River looked him up and down. Mischief brightening those gorgeous brown eyes. "We are far from being good, darling. You fucked up, and you are going to make up for it."
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Happy Friday!
It looks like River and Harry are fine. Boohoo. (As if I wasn't going to make sure they were ok. I have plenty in store for them hehe.)
Since we've hit the 30 chapters mark, I would assume we are close to the end. I haven't planned it yet, it is on my to-do list, but honestly? I don't want to drag them out. If things start to go downhill, please remember this AN. This is my warning lol.
Anyway.
Hope you enjoyed the update :)
Love, B xx