Being alone was not what Xavier feared. The one that he feared was the feeling of being lonely.
"I still hate you, to be honest."
Xavier stirred his hot coffee casually. It was a cloudy morning on the weekend. His apartment was very quiet as usual, serene and peaceful. Maybe the sound of candy wrappers being opened could be heard echoing throughout the room.
Xavier was used to this kind of silence and loneliness, until someone named Julian Smith came into his life.
The clinking sound filled the air when Xavier tapped the spoon on the mouth of his coffee cup. He reminisced the words that came out from his best friend's mouth—ah, it was better to call him his former best friend. Xavier's mind drifted, being nostalgic for the incident at the other day.
Xavier looked straight at the red-haired young man who was sitting in front of him.
"I didn't expect you to be that honest, Julian." Xavier replied. He couldn't accept that red-haired man's word. After Julian disappearing for quite a long time, and cut out their friendship one-sidedly, the first sentence Xavier heard from him was that he hated him.
"I thought you would realize it when you met me, but you only looked at me with those cynical eyes." Julian narrowed his eyes, glared at Xavier.
"First of all, my eyes have been looking like this since I was born. It was unintentional to look at you with a cynical gaze. And, realizing on what, did you actually mean?"
"Your mistake." Julian clenched his teeth.
"I still cannot get it." Xavier shook his head, confused.
"At least say 'hello' to me. Usually, you'll greet me first when we meet. Lately you have always been quiet whenever we meet, ignoring me like I am the one who was in fault all this time."
"That wasn't my intention. You always looked at me with that unpleasant look even though I didn't know what was happening. So, I chose to ignore you, letting you to cool down your head." Xavier sighed. "Alright, next time I'll make sure to greet you properly when we meet."
"That's not the point!" Julian groaned in frustration. "Back to the beginning, you still have much time to think again about what was your mistake!"
Xavier sipping his coffee, without any sound.
Julian Smith had been his best friend, ever since they were going to the same university. It was quite a shock to hear, at first. Everyone knew Xavier wasn't a very sociable person to begin with. Being his acquaintance was lucky enough, let alone being considered as a best friend.
Xavier's mind was nostalgic, once again. Remembering how his first meeting with Julian was, in the campus auditorium. How that red-haired young man asked him to have a chat first, and ended up brainstorming together. Julian told him lots of jokes, and also pacified him when he was down. Julian also liked to invite Xavier to play games together. Like the usual friendship, they did quarrel sometimes, but were quick to make up too. Xavier's world sure changed, after Julian came into his life.
Came to think about it, Xavier did miss this friend a little.
And he hated the feeling of loneliness that slowly grew in his heart.
Xavier couldn't stop his mind into thinking of how all of this could've happened. It was almost two months they didn't communicate properly. Began with the two of them rarely communicating and ended up with Julian said he hated Xavier. Xavier was puzzled, he just couldn't get what made that young man kept a distance from him.
"You blocked me first on Moonstagram, and I kept quiet because I wanted to see what will you do next." Xavier rotated his eyes, irritated.
"Hey, you were the first to block me on Moonsapp."
"I blocked you for no more than ten minutes, and I did that because you greeted me impolitely. But look at you, you even blocked me for months."
"But we still communicate." Julian replied, he didn't want to succumb. "How childish of you to get upset over a trivial matter like this."
Xavier sighed in frustration. "I've tried hinting you, but you seemed to put on airs at me. That's enough, I've forgiven you too. It's up to you whether you want to unblock it or not, I don't care either."
Xavier put his cup of coffee that had turned cool on the table. He recalled the moment when he argued with Julian. He himself felt that he was indeed a little childish because he got annoyed by the fact that he was blocked by Julian. But Julian also kept ignoring him without any words. Didn't it mean that they were on par?
Xavier took his phone, he opened the game application that he and Julian often played together, Mobile Legends. A spark of longing appeared in his heart when he saw that red-haired man's account was online. In the past, Julian would always be excited to invite Xavier to play with him. What a pity, now it seems difficult to return to those times.
In the end, Xavier just clicked here and there randomly in the lobby. No friends to play with, he got bored.
"How many times have you died? See, I'm better at it, right?"
Xavier unconsciously entered Custom mode, and a memory flashed in his mind reminding his first by-one match with Julian and also the last match they played together.
"I'm just not in my mood to play. You see, I saw you walking through the bush but I didn't do anything." Xavier replied lazily.
"Let's rematch." Julian said.
"No. I am busy." Xavier snapped exasperatedly. He wasn't in the mood to play anymore because Julian kept killing his characters in the game.
"Come on, just one more time. Now, it's the big minions who attack the tower."
"Stop it, Julian. My time is not for always playing games. I am not that jobless, unlike you." Xavier replied, he got annoyed.
Then, Julian was silent throughout the match, until he finally lost because his base tower was attacked by the minions.
Xavier was stunned, he came to his right sense. Was this the reason why Julian hated him?
---
"What is it?" Julian asked. He looked indifferent as Xavier staring at him.
Both were together in the infamous Moonlit Café, because Xavier asked Julian to meet him there. Actually, Xavier was a little worried that Julian might refuse and ignore him. Thankfully, that red-haired man still agreed to meet him.
"I think I understand now." Xavier spoke calmly.
Julian frowned. "What do you mean?"
Xavier took a deep breath. "Sorry about that, to me that was unintentional but apparently it hurt you."
"Context, please?" Julian asked in confusion.
"The words I blurted out at our last match." Xavier played his finger nervously. He didn't want to lose his cool. "Am I guessing it right?"
Julian released his crossed arms as he nodded slowly. "Mmm, that's right."
"Well..." Xavier paused hesitantly. "That was not my intention to hurt you, truly. And, I'm deeply sorry once again for hurting you."
"Your words were very harsh, you know. They were so rude."
"I know."
Both fell silent. Xavier stared out the window, gazed at the bustling yet deserted streets. Julian looked away, he glanced around the cafe, paying attention to the barista who was making coffee and the waiter who was cleaning the table.
"It's clear now, right? Now, it is up to you to decide how long you will still be annoyed at me. I've realized my mistake, and I've asked for forgiveness from you. Fine, I'll just return everything to you, it's up to you to decide what you want." Xavier concluded, breaking the silence.
Julian stared fixedly at that two pair of blue pupils. He relaxed his back, then nodded genuinely. "Chill."
---
09.04.2023