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"If it hurts you, I would do it a million times."
"You'll never marry my brother, Satin, unless you step over my dead body."
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"Why did you tell me everything?" I finally spoke once Kalina finished her side of the story. "Did you tell me everything because we caught you eavesdropping?"
When Clara Jane had finished her story, she immediately left the room. When Clara Jane opened the door, however, she accidentally exposed Kalina Jeong, standing there, caught red handed. The fear of being revealed by her had seized at my heart, but Kalina surprised me by confessing once Clara Jane left the room.
"You don't understand," she murmured, "How suffocating it is to keep it in. To pretend as if it never happened. Everyone's a good actor, but I'm not."
"Is that why you drink?"
Kalina nodded, unable to meet my eyes. "Yes."
A long silence suffocated the room. After so long, so much pretending, I finally received some answers. Not all of them, but some.
Now, I was beginning to regret asking for the truth.
"Is that also why you warned me?" I spoke quietly for the first time since she spilled the story. "You wanted me to leave. You told me the last girl died. That was Ella, wasn't it?"
Kalina nodded, her mascara smudged and her dainty nose red. "I was trying to warn you," she chuckled weakly. "Guess all I did was alert you."
Avery broke his silence, reminding me that he was present in this room. "You could have told me, Kalina."
"I was humiliated," Kalina whispered, making me more uncomfortable. "God, I was so ashamed."
I rose from my seat and started walking across the room as Avery responded, "She had a talent for making people feel that way."
"Why did you come here, Kalina," Avery sighed, running a hand through his hair. He looked wary around Kalina. "You never look for me unless you have something important to tell me."
"I- I'm transferring." Kalina stared down at her hands, shoulders slumped. "I can't take it anymore, Avery."
Avery stilled for a moment at the revelation. I could see him thinking, assessing, perhaps even mourning her transfer. He wasn't surprised, though. Even I could tell Kalina had been planning to leave for a while. She had practically been absent.
"What about Mason?" Avery's voice became hoarse. "What about him?"
Kalina shut her eyes. I watched the girl struggle with her emotions, her beautiful almond eyes turning glassy at the mention. "He won't miss me for long, Avery. He deserves to move on."
"You do too, Kalina," Avery murmured, lowering his voice.
She wiped her eyes as tears started streaming. "You don't- you don't know what you're saying, Avery. You weren't there with us that night. You don't know what Mason did."
"I can guess."
"No," Kalina stood, shaking a little. "No, you can't."
Avery stared at Kalina, who he's known for years, before giving her a brief nod. One that spoke of their years of friendship and whatever memories they shared as children. I could still remember Avery telling me how Kalina was one of the better ones.
"When will you leave?" Avery asked, finally accepting her decision. It was inevitable.
"Tonight," responded Kalina. "Everything I want has already been packed. It's just that no one's noticed."
Avery gave her a faint smile. "As cunning as always, aren't you?"
Kalina stood as Avery rose from his seat to hug her. Her arms wrapped tight around him before she pulled back and ruffled his hair. "Don't get in more trouble, Avery."
"Where will you go?"
Kalina shrugged, rolling her shoulders. "Maybe a university near Theodore. He got into St. Helio's Preparatory so he's in America. Or maybe I'll pursue my fashion designing career."
Avery smiled a little at that, relief faint in his eyes. "Right, Theodore told me about it. Either way, you'll be happier than you are here."
I blurted out as soon as I made the connection. "St. Helios? Do you know Aurora Aisin-Gioro Raa?"
She turned to me in surprise. "You know her?"
I nodded, surprised at the coincidence. "She attended the same boarding school as I did, before transferring to Queens. Aurora was my dormmate." I paused. "Why are you so surprised?"
"My extended family has a blood feud with her." Kalina shrugged. "Theodore's supposed to hate her because he's a Jeong."
I grimaced. "And she's an Aisin-Gioro Raa."
Kalina smiled faintly. "There's a whole world out there. I can't believe I've been stuck here for years. It's like being in a cult."
"I'm guessing you didn't tell anyone else that you're leaving?" Avery asked.
"No one will know unless you tell them anything. I left behind a note, don't worry. They won't blame this on you."
"What about Blake?" I could not help but ask, remembering the cycle of toxic love she had for him. And then Helen's expression of confusion, anger, sadness, and heartbreak. "How will he react?"
Kalina's eyes hardened. "I think it's about time I left him."
"You won't tell anyone about Vesper, right?" Avery shifted in front of me, unconsciously defensive over me. "That she's Ella's sister?"
"No," Kalina looked horrified at the thought. "But I'm surprised you even let her do this, Avery. You of all people know that this is something that should be left alone."
"Why?" I demanded, frustrated at the ambiguity. "Why, Kalina? What happened?"
"I won't say anything about you, but I'd be stupid to give you secrets that aren't mine," Kalina said, apologies reflecting in her eyes. "But think carefully, Vesper. What do you think this centers around? Once you figure who I'm talking about, tell him everything I told you."
I stared at her, digesting the information she just gave me. Avery's hand moved up the small of my back and I understood that this was not the time to grill her.
I was unsure of what I thought of this girl. Everything she did to Ella.. even though it wasn't as bad as what everyone else did, I wondered if comparison mattered. Bad was bad... right? Still, the way Kalina showed clear remorse tugged at the uncertainty in my mind.
How could I hate her?
I stared at her tear stained cheeks, the haunted look in her eyes, and the tremble she wore as she spoke to me. I could forgive her...I could give her the forgiveness she clearly needs.
"How do I forgive you?" I whispered to her. "How do I forgive any of you?"
Kalina smiled sadly. "I think I'll live with this for many more years, Vesper. It's okay. I've accepted that."
"For what it's worth," I said, quietly, "I don't think you're a bad person."
Kalina surprised me by wrapping her arms around me to a hug. She whispered in my ear, so that only I could hear, "Go easy on him when you find out, okay? He's a good person."
Her words shocked me so much that I couldn't even ask her what she meant by it. Avery watched her slip out of the room, perhaps realizing that this could be the last time he sees her again.
"You know, Avery," I whispered into the silence that followed. "This would have been much easier if we were honest with each other."
I didn't want to hash this out now, but I also didn't want to miscommunicate anymore. I wanted to try this time.
"What was I supposed to tell you?" he answered, resigned, knowing this conversation was inevitable. "That I used to be in love with a girl I've never actually met?"
I stilled at the mention of her. Then the past tense of used to be. Tentatively, I questioned, "Isn't Clara Jane the girl from the tunnels?"
He let out a chuckle. "I've known since day one that she was bullshitting me."
"What?"
"How many sides does a circle have?" Avery murmured, reaching around my waist to pull me into an embrace.
"Two," I whispered in response, leaning into him in realization. For some inevitable reason, he made me feel safe, no matter how complicated he was. "Inside and outside."
"Clara Jane still thinks a circle has one side, Vesper. I knew she was lying about it, but I kept it to myself so that I could keep her in check for all these years." His thumb brushed my cheek. "I should've told you."
The guilt in my stomach turned heavy. "Avery..."
"Vesper, I-" Avery hesitated and it made my stomach drop even more, knowing what he was going to say to me. He stopped, his silver eyes searching my face. "I know you're angry with me."
"Angry?" I tilted my head, deceptively calm. "I can't even begin to define how I feel, Avery. All the lies and the secrets between us were choices. We made those choices."
"Vesper."
"I can't stand them, Avery, but I've accepted that this is how it's going to be. I mean-" I stood back a little from him, trying to place some distance between us. "I don't even know who you are."
"Yes," he insisted. "Yes, you do."
"I do?" I laughed a little, shaking my head. "What do I know, Avery? All I know is that you're a liar, but you have a good reason for every damn lie. What am I supposed to feel? You don't even know me!"
"Because you haven't told me anything about your past," Avery snapped, clenching his sharp jaw. I fell silent at his words, startled by his intensity. "Every time I ask you, you pull away. You keep accusing me of lying and keeping secrets, but what about you?"
He's right. Even my identity is a lie.
"Even now you won't admit anything," Avery shook his head, looking away. "Trust is a two way street, Vesper. I've never forced you to tell me anything, but we want this work, you're going to have to."
"Is that an ultimatum?" I whispered, staring at him.
He met my eyes. "Yes."
I nodded slowly, knowing my answer to that already. There were too many stakes, too many issues, but that didn't make it any harder for me to say the words to him. "I'm sorry, then, Avery. We should remain friends."
I wanted him to argue it, to fight against it, but instead, he gave me a nod in resignation. Avery stood and started to leave, pausing at the door. "Don't do anything stupid. Give me a day to myself."
I watched him leave the room. I didn't know how long I sat there before reaching to cheeks. I was crying again, I realized. These were tears. Whatever we had between us was done. My involvement with him was never supposed to get this far.
I should have felt relieved, but all I felt was regret.
Footsteps passed by the room and I realized that Avery had left the door open. I looked to see who it was and realized that it was Mason Scott, who froze at the sight of me staring from him within the room.
Kalina's words echoed in my mind. What do you think this centers around?
Pills flashed into my mind. The footage of Ella popping that pill. The drugs they used during games. This was about drugs.
Once you figure who I'm talking about, tell him everything I told you
Who dealt the drugs? Who else could this person be? Someone intimate with Kalina?
"Mason Gregory Scott," I said, my lips curving to a humorless smile. "You've been avoiding me, haven't you?"
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