◖𓈈﹗﹙chapter twelve﹚
❛ ▬▬ you are my best friend. . . ❜
JUST AS SHE HAD PREDICTED, BOBBY DIDN'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHAT HAD HAPPENED. That day, she stayed locked in her room until the sun disappeared into the horizon, and then she decided that things would be better in the morning. She lay down on her bed hoping to close her eyes and sleep, but she knew she wouldn't be able to. Meg's last words were still haunting her mind. She felt a shiver run through her body.
"Why did Meg know that an Alpha witch wanted her? How did she find out? What was she not supposed to fall into? A trap?" Lilith thought. The first thing that came to her mind was that it was related to her mom's disappearance, the witches who kidnapped her, and the demons who killed Detective Pike and Vanessa Smith... but why? What was the reason behind it? Once again, she tortured herself wondering what her mom was hiding. "What if she angered an Alpha witch? Did she make a deal with demons? Who was Thomas?" Lilith was frustrated. The possibilities were immense, and she had no idea how to find out. She had already searched her entire house, turning it upside down in search of something strange. If her mom was involved in supernatural things, she had done a good job of not leaving any traces... according to the letter, she shouldn't be an expert.
Around noon, she decided to confront Bobby, but a call from Sam left her petrified. They had a serious accident. A demon brutally crashed into the Impala during the night, after trying to exact revenge for Mary Winchester's death.
"No, Lilith, don't come. It's better if you stay with Bobby where you're safe," Sam insisted, too calm for what was happening.
"But Sam, Dean had a brain edema. He's in a coma!" Lilith went crazy. "Listen to me, if he doesn't wake up in the next few hours, I can take him to a better facility. I'll pay for everything, I don't care."
"Lilith," he interrupted her. "Dean is going to wake up, don't worry. If we need to take him to a better place, I'll let you know, I promise."
"Okay, I'll call you in a few hours then."
Lilith put aside the matter with Meg because she was so worried about Dean. She made a few calls to the bank to check that all her money was still in her account, researched centers and doctors specialized in brain problems, and even got a number and talked about admitting Dean to one of their hospitals. By the afternoon, she had everything planned to transfer him at any moment. She just needed Sam's approval. She was about to call him when he showed up at Bobby's house.
"Sam!" Lilith exclaimed, throwing herself into his arms. He looked terrible, covered in wounds and bruises. "We need to talk."
"Not now, Lilith," he said, annoyed, but he still hugged her back. The young woman stepped back a little and looked at him, questioning his behavior. "I'm sorry, it's my dad. He lied to me, gave me a list of things to summon the demon when Dean is dying!"
"I wanted to tell you that I talked to a doctor, Daniel Cooper. He's a specialist in these injuries. He works in New York. It's not a problem, I have everything sorted out. I just need your approval, and we can transfer him tonight."
Contrary to the response Lilith imagined he would give, Sam remained silent for a few long seconds, considering the proposal.
"Okay, let me talk to my dad and the doctors."
Lilith let out a relieved sigh, that was the answer she needed, however, a different story unfolded.
It had been a week since John Winchester's death. They were heavy, silent days, with too many emotions transforming the atmosphere of Bobby Singer's salvage yard into a depressing orphanage. Lilith was determined - or at least intended - to accompany the brothers in their mourning, offering them her presence to confide in someone because they didn't seem to do it with each other, talking about their father and the demon they swore revenge on. But Lilith couldn't maintain her balance after everything she had experienced and discovered.
At night she was suffering from nightmares. Her mind conveyed a story that began on the night her mother disappeared, with the peculiar particularity that she saw through her mother's eyes. The first time it happened, she jumped out of bed and wrote down everything she remembered, thinking she might have something similar to Sam's premonitions. However, the ecstasy lasted only one day, the next night her mind created a different movie, and so did the rest of the days, with empty intervals and an extra hour of sleep. With that pattern of insomnia and emotional decline over the days, the young woman built a routine that did her no good: she spent her time between books and coffees from sunrise to the birth of the stars, and the only good thing she had achieved was to perfect her level of Latin. She started talking to Osam on her mobile phone and promised to send him a copy of the book written by her great-great-grandmother, Willa Hopkins: "Modern Organizations of Western Witches."
By dinner time, Lilith descended the stairs starving. She hadn't eaten all day, demons... maybe she hadn't eaten anything in two days except for a cup of coffee and two soggy cookies. In the living room, no one was there, nor was Bobby in his usual seat behind the desk in the office. The only sound that reminded her she wasn't alone was Dean Winchester's hammering and his occasional grunts.
"Hi," Lilith said, surprising him. "Where are the others?"
"They went to buy pizza and beer," he replied monotonously, with the tone of voice he had developed after his last visit to the hospital, he seemed lifeless.
"Okay," she said with no intention of continuing the conversation for humor reasons, not hers, his. Dean was the most affected among the brothers, and anyone could see it beyond his expressionless face and distant attitude of the past week.
"Hey," he called her. He dropped the hammer and turned to look at her, raising his eyes. Barely a yellowish light illuminated his tired face, stained with grease and dirt. "Sam told me you were about to spend a fortune on a specialist doctor in that shit, I... thank you for caring."
"You're welcome," Lilith wondered if what she saw on Dean's face was a small window open to talk, she really believed he needed to talk to someone. "So... how's the Impala doing?"
"Slow," he sighed, concluding the day's work, "but it'll be as good as new in a few weeks. Bobby got me a new engine, it should arrive in a few days."
"That's great, if you want, I can help you one day with... handing you the tools?" She had no idea about cars.
The hunter stood up, letting out a couple of almost inaudible laughs that were not unnoticed by the young woman. Soon a dirty blue truck entered the salvage yard and parked in its respective block, near the entrance of the house, and the silhouettes of the two missing men with food and drink got out.
"¡Lilith!" exclaimed Sam approaching her with two pizza boxes and a bag with the logo of a video store in downtown Sioux Falls that caught Lilith's attention "I found all seasons of Seinfeld to watch tonight."
"Sounds great. Is that ice cream?"
"Yeah" they walked back to the house.
Undoubtedly, the gesture that had initially comforted Sam - Lilith thought Bobby was the mastermind behind it - was appropriate for lifting their spirits. The three young people settled into the living room, with pizza on the small dark wooden table and some beer cans, which the girl preferred to swap for a soda - she hated beer, especially the kind hunters drank. Lilith chose the episode where Elaine recorded a track that got Jerry, George, and Kramer fired up. It was one of her favorites and always made her laugh, which was exactly what she needed despite how she was feeling.
"This sitcom is good," Dean commented, finishing his third slice of pizza. "Why didn't you guys tell me to watch it before?"
"We did," Sam and Lilith said in unison. "But you said, 'sitcoms are crap,'" Sam finished, imitating his older brother.
"Want some ice cream?" Lilith asked, who had finished eating a while ago.
"I'll pass, I'm going to bed," Dean said with a yawn and headed upstairs.
Sam and Lilith spent a long time watching other episodes until it became boring, and they began to talk in hushed voices.
"I'm totally lost," Sam confessed from the corner of the couch, his legs curled up to his torso, and a nearly empty pot of chocolate ice cream. "I didn't want to go back to hunting, but now it's the only thing I have left to do to be close to Dean."
"Don't you want to go back to college?" Lilith asked, tasting a spoonful of mint chocolate chip ice cream. She had hardly eaten a slice of pizza, but the ice cream had definitely opened up her appetite.
"I don't know yet. All I want is to avenge the death of my girlfriend and my mom. It's the only thing I think about day and night, it won't let me rest."
"I understand what you're going through, Sam, and I know it's not an easy decision. I just wonder if you've really thought for a second about what it means to live behind revenge. Let's say you kill that demon, then what? You just quit hunting because your mission is over, go back to college, graduate, buy a house, get married, and have kids. John and Bobby always said there's no escaping that world, how many hunters have gotten their revenge and still keep hunting?"
"I didn't think about that, not seriously," he replied with a bitterness not typical of him. For a second, he feared he had been too harsh. "Dad would have wanted me to continue the job."
Lilith's brow furrowed after hearing the biggest contradiction of her life. She didn't know how to handle what she had just heard; it felt like her best friend had changed in the blink of an eye.
"Sam, did you just hear yourself?" She made sure her words didn't sound like an insult or lead the conversation to a fight.
"Yes, I know. You never thought you'd hear me say that," he said, lifting the corner of his lips. "Lilith, I'm trying to be honest with you. Wouldn't you leave college to find your mom?"
"Oh no, please don't make me make that decision now," she put her ice cream aside. "I was hoping to go back to college knowing my mom was at home."
"If we're talking about dropping out of school, you're the one who definitely shouldn't," Sam's gaze was so intense that nerves bloomed quickly to hide them. "You got into one of the best universities with better grades than mine, you're a math genius and know how to manipulate people. You couldn't have chosen a better career than politics."
"It's not that simple," she sighed uncomfortably. "I don't think I can concentrate if I don't even know if my mom is still alive. I won't be able to, and I'll only ruin my reputation with the professors and the institution. I got into Harvard on my own effort, no one got me in. It would be a grave lack of respect if I didn't take my education seriously. There are hundreds of kids on the waitlist who are dying to attend and deserve it just as much as I do. Harvard is demanding, difficult, and exhausting, I survived by pure luck and thanks to God that they were understanding of my situation and didn't come after me for missing summer internships."
Frustration was the prevailing emotion in Lilith's existence at that precise moment. It wasn't a topic she liked to talk about often; she was too scared to do so. Whenever she needed to think about making a decision of that caliber, Mom was the person who was there for her, listening to all her doubts and existential complications. Now, being alone with the Winchesters and Bobby, she could talk to Sam about it, and he would listen. However, nothing her best friend could say would ever reach the level of Mom's words.
At that moment, she couldn't be the counselor Sam needed. She leaned closer to her best friend and rested her head on his shoulder. She couldn't bear to see him like this; it was her Sam, and it hurt to see him running towards a life he himself had refused to have at some point.
"You don't deserve this, Sam," she confessed with a sigh. She could feel her friend's chin resting on her head. "You are one of the best people I've had the honor to meet, and you don't deserve a life like this. You deserve all the good things in this world; a wife, children, graduating, and it's not fair that you decide to deprive yourself of all of that," she waited for a response for a few seconds, but silence answered. "Any girl would fall at your feet with just a minute of conversation," she affirmed, holding onto Sam's arm, while he let out a silent laugh. "You were the best boyfriend I could have had."
Her romance with Sam Winchester began with the fall of the first snowflake. She had finally given up hunting, left behind a life she always questioned, but it cost her the relationship with her father and brother. A new stage was beginning; she settled down into university studies, and Lilith was very happy to accompany him as his girlfriend. Having been friends since they were kids, they decided to venture into tasting each other's flavor after a sentimental conversation about life and its difficulties. It was the most cheesy thing she had ever done, but she didn't regret it, and she never would.
Sam was the only person she confided in about where she had been hospitalized for two weeks after fainting in the middle of a math class. That winter were the months in which she felt loved and accompanied, it wasn't just her mom anymore; there were also Sam's hugs and kisses. She remembered the endless hours watching a series with a hot chocolate mug and freshly baked cookies from Mom with quite a bit of joy. Finally exposing herself about her eating disorder with someone else had helped her much more than she had prejudged, and having her boyfriend be that person was like medicine for her mental health. He had made her very happy in her worst moments... she just wanted to return the favor.
"Can you believe all the time that has passed? It's like it happened yesterday," she finally heard Sam speak. She could feel the vibration of his voice in her ears, and she knew him well enough to know the expression he had on his face without even looking at him.
" I hate time, the biggest shit in the world," she admitted. "What I want to get at with all of this is that it's not worth seeking revenge if you condemn yourself to a lot of misery and suffering. If you're worried about making your dad proud, believe me when I say that I'm sure he already was." She understood everything that was likely going through Sam's head at the moment and genuinely wanted to help him in one way or another, but a Winchester was harder to handle when they were broken and putting them back together took time. "I'm not telling you to leave again, not at all. Just find a way to live a normal life without distancing yourself from your brother."
"I don't think Dean could do something like that," Sam replied.
"Well, if he really cares about you and is interested in fulfilling his role as a brother, he'll do it whether he likes it or not," Lilith concluded, after separating from him to be able to look him in the face and thus give greater assurance to her words.
In that position, they remained silent for a long time, accompanied only by the noise of the television.
"How do you feel physically? Are you eating well?"
The knot in his throat returned, like a tangible memory, the burning saliva and the rapidly beating heart. Nerves invaded his body even if he was treating his body healthily, and he swore he could hear the echo of his doctor's voice.
"Yeah..." There was no way Sam was going to buy that stupid statement. "...No, but I'm fine, no, it's not fine, I mean... I was really into... I didn't realize I was only eating cookies and drinking coffee. I won't do it again."
Sam took her hand and squeezed it, taking her on a journey to winter, to Christmas lights and the scent of popcorn.
"Lilith, please, not again. I know this is too much for you, but you're strong and you always find a way to have everything you want." Their hands separated. "Not again."
"I'm fine in that sense, it was just a momentary thing, I'm not going to repeat the same stupidity."
After that, they both decided it was better to go to sleep. Lilith couldn't sleep well all night. Her head was occupied with thousands of thoughts, from comparing Sam's emotional state to the possible state of Dean, to the disappearance of her mother and how much she needed her.
• • ⛧ • •
The first rays of the day filtered through the windows of the living room. Lilith rested on the couch, barely finding the most comfortable position for her long legs to fit in. She seemed calm, in complete peace with her body, however, the same couldn't be said of her mind. Nightmares were tormenting her, locked in a room where no one could enter or see what was happening, as if she were isolated from the whole world. A huge panic attack was chasing her like a giant cloud, enveloping her in its vast arms, suffocating her.
The nightmare was happening in an infinite loop of doors. She walked through the dark void until she reached a door, only the tiny shiny doorknob delineated the essence of the object, otherwise, she would have no idea that there was a door there. She opened so many of them that it seemed like an eternity. It was always the same, one door after another leading to the same darkness. At first, she was frozen with fear, but after a while of the same scene, Lilith became aware of her state, she knew it was a dream, come on! She could even feel her body lying still, static, sleeping in the physical world. She was sure that the nightmare would end at any moment, she had to wait patiently... She walked and walked until she saw in the distance the whitish glow of the doorknob. Another damn door. She stretched her hand out of habit, no longer afraid, waiting for the same sequence. She began to push, and a red light escaped from the other side.
She stopped her insecure movement. Something different. Should she cross?
"Hey!" she heard a male voice murmur near her face. "Are you okay?"
She opened her eyes bewildered, raising her body from the uncomfortable and old cushions as fast as a lightning strike. The recent havoc still kept her imprisoned in the nightmare, making the light entering too much for a person who had spent all the time locked in darkness. She passed both hands over her face, trying to control her breathing, but noticed that she was crying, her face was full of tears, and not only that, her hands were shaking like jelly.
"Yeah," she murmured, surprised, "I just had a nightmare, nothing else."
Lilith raised her gaze, hoping to find normality in the hunter, an appropriate reaction, however, luck had abandoned the young girl's life. For some reason she didn't know, Dean was in a defensive position, with his right hand behind him, as if he had accidentally touched something extremely hot. His face expressed the epitome of concern and confusion, thus increasing Lilith's tranquility.
"Your hands were shaking like you were the girl from The Exorcist," he said, glancing at her. "Part of your tears is holy water, I'm sorry, I got scared. What were you dreaming about?"
"Nothing," she didn't want to talk about it now, or with him. "I better try to go back to sleep."
And there it was again, that intriguing look that hid many secrets. Since he had returned from the hospital, Dean had started to behave differently towards her, she couldn't explain if it was something good or bad, he just stared at her as if he were reading her; the crux of the matter was that Lilith had realized that it wasn't just her that Dean was looking at carefully, he also did it with his brother at the most peaceful moments of the day.
"You have to tell me anything weird that happens to you, okay? Promise me."
"I will always do it," she promised, surprised by such a sudden warning, because that was what it was: a warning. The male voice was not as understanding as Sam's, no sweetness or tenderness. Was that considered strange? At least her promise worked to bring back the usual Dean.
"Do you have a habit of falling asleep on the couch? You did it when you were little, and you still do it now, at least you've switched to those crazy princesses singing to animals on TV. Man... you were unbearable with those princesses. I really hated you at dinnertime, we always had to watch what you wanted or there would be crying and screaming. How could you do that and then fall asleep ten minutes into the movie? And worst of all, I was the idiot who had to take you to bed," Dean said from the kitchen as he prepared himself a coffee.
"It was my way of getting back at you," she said, laughing softly as she settled in more comfortably, "I only did it when you hadn't played with me all day."
"So, I never played with you then?" he continued talking slowly from the kitchen. She heard the sound of cups and the water from the faucet descending onto Bobby's electric coffee maker.
"Exactly!"
The man returned to the living room while he waited for the water to boil.
"When the Impala hits the road again, I'll buy several board games, and hopefully, that can make up for your childhood trauma," he teased, calling her a little girl between the lines, at least that seemed to make the silly man happy, and Lilith had loved the idea of playing with Dean.
⛧.