——— GRIEVOUS YEARS ———
❝ Nothing passed between us...As you said, I'm a Lady and you're a Prince ❞
DISCLAIMER: little spicy scene in the beginning. don't say i didn't warn you.
——— BREATHING DEEPLY, CONTROLLING HER NERVES, Kaarina gazed out her window in her bed chambers. The same bed chambers she's resided in for the past five years.
It wasn't long after Kaarina and Thor were engaged that Thor and Loki left for Midgard. And Kaarina could admit that she struggled afterwards.
She was moved into the Palace, becoming an official Lady of the Royal Court. And Rune had a choice between living with her parents or living at the Palace. She very quickly chose her sister. She had loved staying there for that one month, and anywhere Kaarina was, Rune wanted to be. Asmund had returned to Vanaheim, but visited quite often. Kaarina and Rune had even gone to visit him when they received the shocking news he was getting married.
As the next five years passed, Kaarina had become more confident in herself now that she'd been away from her parents' reach for so long. She was greeted respectfully by guards and other Asgardians of the court. She'd make decisions that Prince Thor usually would have. She was already taking on the role as Queen, although Queen Frigga was still alive and well. The current Queen had been teaching Kaarina and the Lady had never been more grateful.
With Prince Thor gone, going along with him, Lady Sif and the Warriors Three, Triston Thorson was under the care of Kaarina. So while Kaarina had been building up trust within the Royal court, she was as well taking care of the boy.
After five years, he still looked like a three-year old in human years. Although he was actually sixty-years old, but with how slow Asgardians aged, he still looked like a baby.
So much time had passed, so many things changed in the past five years, but one thing had remained — Kaarina's thoughts. She had thought of one thing every morning and every night for the past five years. His mint scent, his blue eyes, his black hair, that annoying charming smile.
The last night before he left, Prince Loki lightly knocked on Kaarina's bed chambers but it opened up. It wasn't fully closed so he took it upon himself to walk inside, finding the chambers filled with boxes of her things. She had yet to unpack yet all while she stood by her window. She was wearing a dark green maiden dress, her curly hair reaching down all the way to her waist. With the moon shining down on her, she looked ridiculously beautiful, it wasn't fair. None of this was fair.
"My Lady...?" She hesitantly pulled her attention from the window to the Prince standing in her room. The Prince she hated herself for wanting. He was holding a stack of books, she noticed. They stared at each other a moment before he pulled his eyes away from her, turning to a nearby table and placing the books down, "Here's more books from the cave...if you still desire to learn more about your magic..."
Kaarina pursed her lips, brows furrowed about to say something, but he then conjured up another book, placing it on the stack, "And one of poetry, just in case you're bored..."
A small smile came upon her, before placing her eyes back on him, finding a nervous look on him. Like he wanted to say something, but he couldn't. Everything had gotten too complicated now.
"Prince Loki—"
"Kaarina—"
They both tensed up, lightly chuckling before Loki averted his eyes over her before back to her glimmering eyes, "You must know...I..."
"Yes...?"
Loki sighed deeply, knowing if he didn't say anything, didn't say anything outloud to her, it would eat at him for the entire five years. Especially if this would be the last time he saw her.
"You need to know, before Thor had come and proposed that I..." he harshly gulped, keeping eye contact, "I am plagued by feelings...feelings for you—" He watched as her brows twitched together, eyes glimmering, "And with every moment I spend in your presence, they grow deeper. So much so...it hurts me," he took a step forward when she sighed, "I know...I know my timing is worse. It always is. But you needed to know...before I leave...before you're married...you needed to know."
A small smile fluttered onto her before she nodded, not wanting to say anything, because she feared she would slip out what she really wanted. She couldn't...
"And one more thing..." she caught his eyes again when he spoke, those blue eyes looking so beautifully miserable, "As we part, as the next five years go by, you must know...with each passing day...night and day, I'll dream of you...just as I have now— you're everything to me...so I shall leave you to it..."
He frowned a little before turning around, heading for her door, as slow as he could, to take in her scent as long as he could. Perhaps long enough because—
"Loki..." He stopped in his place, keeping his back to her a moment, eyes glimmering in thought as he realized it was the first time she'd call him just that. No proper titles, just him.
He slowly glanced back at her, finding she nervously gulped, with a sparkling look in her eyes. She wanted him, too...
He felt himself hold back, afraid his feelings would overtake him and he would do something he shouldn't. But Kaarina was the very air he breathed and he was running out of oxygen.
Screw this, He thought before he stormed up to her. He reached his hands for her, grasping her cheeks as he desperately crashed his lips to hers. He expected her to push him away, to reject him, just as everyone else, but instead she cupped his face as he did hers, and the room fell away. Loki nor Kaarina had ever gotten so lost in a kiss before.
He pushed into her and she stumbled back, her back colliding into the wall behind her. The space between them was gone. Nothing separating them. It seemed like their hands couldn't bring each other any closer. Loki needed more.
He moved to her neck, his heartbeat ringing louder when he heard that little sound slip out from her lips. In this passionate moment, Loki and Kaarina both realized they'd been starving from each other. They had loved before, but it didn't feel like this. They had kissed others before, but it didn't burn them alive. Maybe it lasted a minute, maybe it lasted an hour. But all Loki knew was that this kiss, and how soft her skin was when it brushed against his, and even if he hadn't realized it yet; Loki and Kaarina had been waiting for each other forever.
That kiss plagued Kaarina's thoughts each passing night and day since he left with his brother. She had spent the past 1825 days thinking of him, of how his kiss felt against hers, and how quickly he left when they heard someone coming. His mint scent, his eyes, his hair...she hadn't once forgotten all that happened between them. Nor had her heart.
But finally came the day when they returned home from Asgard. It was one thing reminiscing of every given day, but now to actually face him after so long. Her nerves were on crack.
She wore an off the shoulder light purple gown, with her brown hair pinned up with little strands of hair pulled out.
Kaarina took one heavy deep breath, before pulling herself away from the window. She placed her eyes onto a shelf, where all the books she had were neatly organized. Including the ones she's received from Loki. She walked over, examining them over before slipping one off the shelf. The books of poems he gave her that one night.
She opened it up to a page with a tab on it. A love poem, with the words For Kaarina written at the bottom in Loki's handwriting. She had discovered this page after he had left;
To have loved and lost
To have it took away
To have had a love
That could not stay
To feel so high
Then feel so low
To have it there
And see it go
To be so happy you could almost cry
To be so sad you could almost die
To have been loved
And that love to be gone
To feel that you
just can't go on
There's no worse feeling
No worse pain
The physical ache
The emotional drain
To have loved and lost
There's nothing worse
It's feels just like
a permanent curse
You lose more than a love
When it ends
You lose your soulmate
Your best friend
It can't be replaced
It can't be rewound
You will stay lost
Until your refound
"Auntie Rina...?"
Kaarina abruptly turned away from the book, finding little Triston standing in her doorway. She chuckled a smile before placing the book back on her shelf, "Well, Goodmorning, darling," she cheered, gathering him into her arms, "Are you excited for today?"
"What's...today...?" he shyly asked.
"Well, today is when your papa and mama come back home," she told him to which an excited grin came across his lips, "Are you ready to greet them?" And he nodded enthusiastically. Kaarina chuckled as she walked them out of her room.
Kaarina and Triston awaited in the courtyard of the Palace with Rune by her side, happily grinning. Queen Frigga and King Odin stood with them, the parents chatting amongst each other about how excited they were for theirs sons' return.
And finally the moment came when the Bifrost exploded in glorious light in the distance. And just a few minutes afterward, six horses galloped into the courtyard, one for each person returning.
Triston cheered loudly when he spotted his father and mother, which only caused Kaarina to chuckle. Prince Thor and Lady Sif practically jumped off their horses as soon as possible, running up towards Triston. Kaarina handed the boy over to his mother who engulfed herself into him, holding him tightly as Thor smiled down at him over her shoulder. He kissed his son's head before turning to everyone else he had missed.
"M'Lady!" he cheered and Kaarina chuckled as he hugged her.
"Very wonderful to see you again, Prince Thor," she smiled.
When he parted from her, he placed a quick peck on her cheek before going on to greet Rune and his parents. Lady Sif then appeared in Kaarina's eyesight and to her surprise, the mother hugged her, "Oh—"
"Thank you so much, Kaarina," she said before pulling herself back, the two smiling at her, "I am forever grateful to you for taking care of my Triston."
"Of course," Kaarina smiled.
She watched the mother and The Warrior's Three pass her to greet everyone else there. But when she heard nearby steps, Kaarina turned back in front of her, tensing up with her feelings on overdrive.
"My Lady," Prince Loki greeted with a hint of a smile.
Kaarina held her hands before her, examining him over, and he somehow had gotten more handsome since the last she saw him. It was probably because of his hair. It had grown all the way down to his shoulders. It really had been so long, hasn't it...
"Your Highness," she greeted, a smile stammering onto her, "Your hair...it's gotten longer..."
"Yes," he smiled, stepping towards her, "I wanted to wait until I returned to cut it."
"Well...it looks—" she began.
"Oh, this is so wonderful!" Queen Frigga cheerfully exclaimed, causing everyone to glance back at her, "Now that everyone has returned home, we can start the wedding preparations!"
While everyone else happily smiled and cheered, Kaarina and Loki were beyond quiet. Frozen quiet. Hurting quiet, "Yes, of course," Kaarina forced out a smile, "We shall start preparations right away."
Everyone began to gather inside the Palace, Kaarina and Loki trailing behind. But before they entered, making sure no one was looking, Loki had abruptly grabbed Kaarina's soft hand. She turned to him right as he placed a gentle kiss on her palm. She intently watched him, keeping her eyes on him even when he pulled from her hand, eyes attached to her.
"I've missed you..." he whispered and Kaarina nervously gulped, "You look lovely as always..."
"Thank you, Your Highness," she said but he tsked, shaking his head. He didn't want her to call him that. And when she realized, she slightly smiled, "Thank you, Loki," she whispered and he smiled contently as they entered the Palace together.
༺ ❖ ༻
——— THE NEXT MORNING, Kaarina paced before the Palace's drawing room, breathing heavily, her heartbeat quickening as her thoughts continued to plague Prince Loki, and that kiss they shared the night before he left all those years ago. She continued to be able to get him out of her head, even now that he had returned home. It was like he was in her blood, in her lungs.
But when the doors nearby opened, Kaarina quickly smiled when she saw Prince Thor heading her way, so the both of them could join his parents in the drawing room. The Prince smiled as well, quickly reaching for her and holding her hands, "Are you ready?" he asked her.
"I...as ready as I could be," She hesitantly told him and he smiled at her before placing a quick kiss on her cheek. He then headed into the drawing room, letting go of Kaarina's hand.
She heavily breathed, composing herself before walking after him when the doors opened up again— to Prince Loki. Kaarina froze in place, feeling like everything around them slipped away and it was just the two of them. He marched forward, heading for the drawing room but kept his eyes on her. He had missed those beautiful eyes. And her beaming face. He missed everything about her and would suck in her presence any chance he could now.
When he passed her, Kaarina held her pinky out for him, and his did as well — the both of them still wanting to be near each other so badly it hurt. After he had walked into the drawing room, Kaarina closed her eyes, letting herself have one more moment before stepping inside.
"Loki..." Queen Frigga said right as Kaarina entered the room, "We thought you wouldn't be coming."
"Mother...I want to be there for my brother and his beautiful bride," Loki told her as Kaarina took a seat next to Thor. The Queen and King sat across from the two, while Rune sat off to the side and Loki across from her.
Kaarina quietly thanked Thor when he handed her a cup of tea all while Loki kept his eyes on her, watching her every move. But as his mother spoke of wedding plans, Loki lightly smiled when Kaarina caught him staring. She gazed at him a few minutes before the two quickly glanced back at the King and Queen.
"Perhaps a small family gathering would be fitting," Kaarina said, "The only family I have now is Rune and my brother..." and from that, Loki and Thor turned to Kaarina in surprise, the both of them immediately thinking of her parents. More so Loki than Thor.
"Oh, nonsense, Kaarina," Queen Frigga chuckled, "You're our family now..." and Kaarina smiled gleefully as Thor smiled as well.
"Yes," King Odin added in, "For the last five years, we've become quite fond of you. You and your siblings. You're like the daughter we've never had."
Kaarina beamed as Queen Frigga pursed her lips. The brunette then sipped on her tea as the Allfather continued, "We'll have the wedding here at the Palace. And the entire kingdom will be there for the occasion. It is only right that we give you both a wedding worthy of everything you deserve."
Thor smiled fondly at his father as Loki glanced back over at Kaarina, finding a forced and polite smile on her. But the rest of her was throwing her away, by the way her hands shook. Her tea cup was lightly clattering against its saucer.
"Can you believe this?" Rune asked as Kaarina nervously glancing over at her, "You'll actually be a Princess — married in front of everyone in the kingdom? And Asmund and I...Lords and Ladys of the court."
"Yes," Kaarina smiled.
"It's like a fairytale come true," Rune beamed, "And you deserve all of it."
"Oh," Queen Frigga smiled, "There's nothing that warms my heart more than a true love match."
But Kaarina almost choked on her tea, loudly cluttering it against its saucer. Everyone turned to her as she quickly gathered herself, setting the cup down on the table before her, "Forgive me, Your Majesty," she murmured as the King and Queen eyed her oddly.
"Are you alright?" Thor quietly asked her and she nodded. But as the talk of wedding preparations continued, Kaarina glanced back over at Loki, holding in a breath as Loki narrowed his eyes at her.
As the day went on, Kaarina was very quickly preoccupied with things she needed to do. She walked the halls of the Palace, quick on her feet with Rune next to her while Ladies-In-Waiting followed them around, as well as Miss Revna,
"The flowers...add some lilacs will you?" Kaarina said and the lady nodded before quickly shuffling off to do the deed.
"Kaarina, the wedding is not for another month," Rune told her sister.
"Yes, but there is so much to do and you..." Kaarina began to almost relentlessly chuckle, "Better not think Thor will be doing a thing."
Rune knitted her brows together as Kaarina addressed the ladies, "Our carriages need to be polished and the horses' manes braided. And the finest silver for the dinner."
"Dinner?" Rune questioned.
"For the reception, of course," Kaarina told her as another two ladies nodded and walked off to do the deeds.
"Lady Kaarina, there is also the dinner with The Royal Family to welcome you and your siblings into the family," Miss Revna reminded as Kaarina nodded, "And the engagement ball next week since we were unable to do so five years ago."
"Yes...of course..." Kaarina murmured, just another thing she had to do.
Miss Revna then smiled before taking her leave. Kaarina heavily sighed as Rune eyed her in worry, "Rina, are you...?"
"And now we have to go to my wedding dress arrangement," Kaarina said before she continued to walk off down the hall, Rune reluctantly following.
Standing in that same dress shop from five years ago, Kaarina stood on a pedestal, wearing a white gown, a dull look on her face as she looked in the look-in-mirror. With many seamstresses surrounding the young Lady, Rune stood off to the side, watching her sister with such pride and awe, "You look beautiful, sestra," she said and Kaarina blinked, pulling herself out thoughts, looking at her sister through the mirror.
"Thank you, malka sestra," she smiled, before a realization came to thought, "We need to find you a dress."
"I have many dresses as it is," Rune told her.
"But you must..." Kaarina said, turning to her sister as the seamstresses walked off for a moment, "...you can look around here. Pinks, blues, purples—" But Rune slightly snickered causing Kaarina to gaze at her oddly, "What?"
"You're sounding like Mama," Rune said as Kaarina lightly tilted her head, "She shall wear purple. Purple and gold would look pleasant on her. Purple grabs people's attention."
Kaarina gazed at her sister for a moment before she joined in on the laughing. Perhaps...she was overwhelming herself much more than she needed, "She was so obsessed with purple," Kaarina said, adding more laughter from the two.
After their laughter died down, Rune heavily sighed before taking her sister's hand, smiling at her in the mirror, "I'll go find a dress — something not purple," she said and Kaarina chuckled before Rune ran off deep into the shop.
Kaarina gazed at herself in the mirror intently, sighing deeply. She fiddled with the fabric, and she could say it was pretty, but it just wasn't what she imagined her wedding dress to be. Maybe it was because her heart wasn't committed. Maybe—
Out from nowhere, Prince Loki walked from behind the mirror, facing the woman. Kaarina quickly straightened up upon seeing him, surprised to find him there of all places,
"Prince Loki..." she quietly muttered, as a smile came across him while his eyes looked over her, "What are you...doing here?"
"You know..." and Loki looked back up at her, "...just outside this shop, was our first acquaintance."
"Loki," Kaarina whispered, stepping off the pedestal, "What are you doing here?"
He reluctantly sighed, gazing at her softly, "I came to see you," he admitted and she pursued her lips, "To speak to you..."
"About what...?"
"Um, the..." he searched her eyes nervously, stammering out, "T-The weather — on Midgard."
Kaarina's eyes glossed over in slight irritation, "You wish to speak to me about the weather on Midgard?" she asked.
"No," Loki shook his head, finding his choice of wording awful. He felt as he did the night before he left, unable to find the right words in the moment, "I...want to talk about...everything that passed between us before I left."
Kaarina gazed at him intently, a frown on her before saying, "Nothing passed between us..." and Loki slightly tilted his head, "As you said, I'm a Lady and you're a Prince."
"Mm."
"Nothing passed between us," Kaarina repeated and Loki nodded, clearly not believing her. Even after so many years, she was still trying to fight it off. Her feelings.
"Tell me, Kaarina...where are your parents?" he asked and Kaarina breathed deeply.
She gulped before answering, "I have not seen them since you and Thor left for Midgard."
He looked intrigued yet concerned so she continued, "I was moved into the Palace almost immediately and my parents went back to Kaelanson House. I haven't seen them since. I have chosen not to see them. I honestly barely even think of them."
Loki smiled at her before gently holding her hands, "I'm glad you're safe," he said.
Right then, they heard Rune coming in and Kaarina held in a gasp when Loki disappeared before her eyes, green magic glittering around. Just as what happened the night before he left for Midgard.
When Kaarina and Rune returned to the Palace, they found everyone was gathered in the drawing room, chatting about as Triston sat on the floor, playing with his wooden toys. But as soon as the girls walked in, Queen Frigga shot up from her seat and grinned, "Oh, girls..."
"Your Majesty...what's going on?" Kaarina asked.
"Well now that we're all here, I have news," Queen Frigga said and Kaarina narrowed her eyes in suspicion. As well as everyone else, "Earl Lord Kaelan Agnarsson and Countess Astrid Alexandersdottir sent a correspondence..." and Kaarina's expression faltered as a small smile stammered onto Rune.
"W...What?" Kaarina lightly stuttered, keeping her hands in front of her.
Noticing the shaking of her voice, Loki quickly looked to her from his mother, his brows furrowing in concern.
"It seems they heard of Prince Thor's return to Asgard, knowing your wedding should soon follow," Queen Frigga shortly explained, "They wish to see you. And your future husband, as well."
"Of course," Thor smiled, "It'll be nice to see them again."
But with his eyes still remaining on Kaarina, Loki saw her tense up, anxiously fiddling with her hands while Rune smiled, keeping a polite upfront. Though she did think about her parents often, Rune cared more about Kaarina, and she knew the kind of reaction this would set.
Kaarina had matured the past five years, become even more independent without her parents' judgement and manipulation down her throat. But hearing this, Kaarina felt like that scared little girl all over again.
Meanwhile, Lady Sif eyed Kaarina, her brows twitching together. She stayed silent with Kaarina, Rune and Loki while the others seemed excited for the sisters. But even a baby could sense something was wrong.
"Is something wrong?" King Odin asked and Kaarina pursed her lips, forcing a smile.
"No, everything is...fine," she said.
"I shall invite them to the engagement dinner tomorrow, then," Queen Frigga said, causing Loki to quickly glance up at her from Kaarina, "It'll be such a joyous reunion after all these years."
"Indeed," Kaarina smiled as Loki glanced back at her.
"I'm looking forward to it," Thor said, causing Lady Sif to look at him, a cringed expression across her. How are men are so daft?
"Yes, um..." Kaarina hand shook as she moved some hair from her face, "If you'll excuse me...I suddenly feel a headache coming on," and she turned around, hastily heading out of the room.
"Kaarina?" Thor questioned as Loki stood from his spot. He watched in angst to see her in so much distressed. And a little irritated with his mother that she brought this all up again.
Thor then followed after Kaarina as Loki reluctantly sat back down. Every nerve in him wanted to run off after her. But he knew he couldn't.
Lady Sif shook her head annoyed as Loki sunk into his spot next to her, "You know, if—"
"If you repeat your bloody lecture one more time, I'll hurl something at your head," Loki whispered and Lady Sif eyed him before turning to Triston.
Over the past five years, Lady Sif reminded Loki almost every day that he wouldn't be so miserable if he had just done what she told him to. To tell Thor the truth. She knew he would've understood. And everyday, Loki became more and more irritated with her. Only because she was right. But he didn't want to admit his regrets of the past.
But with it awkwardly silent in the drawing room now, The Warriors Three, the King and the Queen share confused glances with Kaarina's sudden leave, "Is she going to be alright?" King Odin asked and both Loki and Sif rolled their eyes.
Pacing in her chambers, nervously biting her nails, her eyes glossed over as a million thoughts ran through her head. A part of her knew she would be able to face her parents but another part of her felt like she would burst into terrified tears the moment she laid eyes on them. Five years. They had five years to reach out and now they only do so when her wedding is coming up.
"M'Lady...?" The girl glanced back to find Prince Thor awkwardly standing in her doorway, but a concerned look on him, "Are you alright? Can you still go on a promenade?"
"I'm alright, Prince Thor...you can go on without me," Kaarina said, turning away from him, facing the window.
But instead of hearing his steps walk away, she heard his steps get closer, keeping a distance between them, "Kaarina...you seem very...distressed; did it have to do with my mother inviting your parents for dinner?" he asked and Kaarina breathed heavily, fiddling with her fingers in front of her.
"This morning...you mentioned your family was only your siblings and then my mother just now...mentioning seeing them after so long — what happened with your parents, M'Lady?"
After a long moment of Kaarina gathering herself, she finally faced the Prince again. His concern for her was so pure, she could not place words for it. She had missed his friendship the last five years.
"I have never really...gotten along with my parents, Prince Thor," Kaarina hesitantly admitted, "When you left, I was given an opportunity to not see them. And I didn't. I have not seen my mother nor my father since the day you left here, five years ago. Rune chose to live with me at the Palace, and we see Asmund and his wife on occasion. But I haven't seen or spoken to my parents. Your mother— The Queen, took me off-guard but everything is...everything is fine."
"M'lady, I'm so sorry, I didn't know, I..." he then sighed as she kept her eyes on him, "My mother, she's very enthusiastic. I love her but she can overstep without realizing. This morning, for example. I haven't been able to apologize for what she said about us being a true love match."
"It's alright," Kaarina smiled.
"I'll tell her right away to uninvite—"
"No, no," Kaarina quickly said, "It's already done and...my father doesn't like it when things don't go to plan—" And Thor knitted his brows together, noticing the tone in her voice and the scared expression across her, "—It'll be fine...I hope."
Thor was silent a moment before taking her hands, "Let's go on the promenade, yes? It'll keep your mind off things," he said and Kaarina hesitantly smiled before agreeing.