x
I know what they say about me.
They say Kalina Jeong was basically Asian royalty because of her blood. I never corrected these white rich girls and never told them they guessed my ethnicity correctly. I never told them that it was actually my cousin, Theodore Jeong, who was "basically" royalty because of the patriarchy that structured my family.
My great-great something grandfather was one of the first to immigrate to Singapore in the early nineteenth century. He established the family exporting business. Through multiple generations, the Jeongs have expanded until they practically dominated Singapore, now one of the richest places in the world, and other places like Malaysia and the Philippines.
In other words, my elusive family was old money.
One of the oldest Asian bloodlines.
And no one has heard about us. The old Asian families valued their privacy to the extent that any trace or name of us has been wiped away. Those articles that published the silly lists of the richest people in the world? Yeah. Those were very inaccurate. In this world, the truly rich are invisible.
Money talks, but wealth whispers.
I have been detached from that world for a long time. To be exact, ever since my mother broke her arranged marriage, eloped and fled from Singapore (the Jeongs' empire) to America (where she had received most of her schooling and diplomas) with her dirt-poor husband in the name of love. Grandfather almost had her locked up, "You are a Jeong. You have a duty to marry him," but ultimately let her go on the one condition that her children took the last name Jeong.
That is why I was Kalina Jeong — named after my mother, not father.
And I thank God for that.
In the end, all of it seemed pointless. Mother always said, "Your grandfather was right. He always wanted the best for me. The fiancé he picked for me would have treated me better than your father."
Barely a year in, Father had packed up his bags and fled when Mother found out about his infidelity. Father insisted that he did it because he was no longer in love with her. I always knew that it was because his ego could not accept that Mother was so wealthy. In fact, he never wanted her to buy a millions of dollar worth estate in this district so that I could attend Queens Erlington Academy. He thought it was snobby and pretentious.
I haven't seen him in years. I don't miss him, by the way. The only good thing he left me was his cupid bow lips and large eyes I inherited from him.
I did miss the life I could have had if I had never gone to Queens Erlington Academy.
It all started in elementary prep. All the girls fawned over Helen but I never bothered. I had Blake and Mason as my closest friends. I didn't need anymore friends, and certainly not from the girls who made fun of my Asian features.
Helen, however, chose me out of everyone.
She looked at me, sitting in the corner quietly, and said, "I want you to be my partner."
"No," I responded, never looking up from the book I was reading.
That was the quietest the classroom had ever been. No one said no to Helen. I heard her walk over and I glanced up, determined not to be intimidated by her. I grew up with boys. I could throw a mean punch.
But she surprised me. Helen smiled widely and said, "Please?"
No one had ever heard her say please either. That made me feel special. I thought about it for a moment and then nodded.
"Fine."
That day, Helen Lorani became my closest friend and that was why her betrayal hurt me the most. I wish I had noticed earlier, but I didn't. No one expected Helen and Blake our first year at Queens Erlington Academy.
It was never supposed to happen. It was always supposed to be Blake and me.
He was my first everything.
My first boyfriend, my first kiss, my first date, lots of firsts. Blake was always possessive about me and I never minded. Then the first of seven years of school at Queens Erlington Academy began.
"How could you do that to me?" I sobbed, lunging my body to sweep away all the stuff piled on his desk. "You promised me, Blake. You promised me."
His eyes were pained but distant. Cold, almost. "We were children when I made that promise."
Before I could control myself, I slapped him.
The sound filled his chambers. I stared in horror at the red creeping on his cheeks and the stinging in my palms.
"Oh my God-"
"Blake?" a softer voice interrupted, poking through the door. "I heard-"
Helen stopped and stared at me with wide eyes. I had not heard from her since I saw the news. My best friend. My best friend and my boyfriend.
The two closest people in my life did this to me.
Now, my mother didn't raise a bitch. I lunged with the full intent to knock her out. "You fucking-"
Blake restrained me with his arms, manhandling me so that I couldn't get near his precious fiancée. "Kalina. Kalina!"
After a few moments of struggling, my body gave in and I crumpled in heavy, heaving sobs.
I've cried before, of course I had, but this sort of crying stemmed from a heart that's been torn, ruined, and shred apart.
I whispered, raggedly, "You told me you would marry me. How could you be engaged to her? How could the two of you do this to me?"
"Kalina," Blake mumbled, wiping away my tears and holding me close to him. I wasn't sure if Helen was still there, but if she had been, she never spoke a single word. "I'm sorry, baby."
"What did I ever do to the both of you?" I cried, clutching myself. "What did I do, Blake?"
"I'm sorry, Kalina," he repeated. "This is how it has to be."
I know what they say about me. They used to call me names like "dumpling" but it all stopped with Blake's protection. Still, no one could ever fathom how their golden boy would ever love an Asian girl like me. Even my mother couldn't understand why we were together.
The only explanation I could offer was that love is blind.
Look how it blinded me.
x
On my birthday, Gabriella Jontas approached me with her bribe. That was exactly one month before her own birthday.
"Kalina," Ella had smiled with that glint in her eyes. "Could we speak privately for a moment?'
I had spent the entire night drinking, partying, and dancing away the jabs of pain I felt whenever I saw Helen with Blake. It had been quite a while since it happened but every time I saw them, it hurt.
"Sure," I shrugged, fed up with Helen drawing Blake in for a kiss. "I need some space as well."
Ella looked delighted and led me inside a room. We had celebrated on campus at the old mansion, not at blue blood island, but we would leave the next day. That was our tradition.
"What did you want to tell me?" I asked her, curious. It was no secret I wasn't exactly the most welcoming with her.
"I need a favor from you, Kalina," Ella said, softly.
I straightened and analyzed the look in her eye. I could sense what she wanted. "You want me to vote for you, don't you?"
"How did you know?" She looked surprised I had guessed her motives. People are always surprised at my perceptiveness. To them, it is unexpected. I was just a pretty face to many.
"It's only a matter of time, Ella. You don't strike me as someone content with where you are."
"You're right," she replied stiffly, sweeping back her platinum hair. Months ago, it had been dirty blonde. "That's why you'll vote for me to change that."
I looked at her in amusement. "I don't vote easily, Ella. There's a reason why we don't go around recruiting people."
Her eyes flashed. "Why not? I deserve it just as much as you. I have worked so hard to get where I am, but all of you are so elitist that you refuse to let anyone in your inner circle."
"You wouldn't understand."
Ella stood abruptly, furious. "Really? Try me."
She had gotten on my nerves. I whispered, "You think all it takes is a vote to be a blue blood, Ella? If you do, then you really aren't suited for this role."
"What?" Ella swayed a little, confused and reproachful.
I laughed, tossing my head back. She was so naïve. "Insurance. We need a secret of yours that will make sure you will keep our secrets."
"I don't care," Ella seethed, snapping. I knew she wouldn't listen to me. "You're going to vote for me."
"I'm not going to vote for you," I murmured, tilting my head up at her. "What are you going to do about it, Gabriella? Cry? Run to Cole?"
She stood there for a second. Two. Seething at me, before a slow grin appeared. "But, Kalina, you wouldn't want everyone to suddenly wake up to the fact that you've been cheating with Blake for the past few months, do you?"
I gritted my teeth. "You have no proof."
"Don't I? You two aren't exactly quiet. Every so often, you'll find yourself in his arms, knowing that Helen Lorani could walk in on the both of you at any moment."
The urge to vomit, the feeling of violation, overtook me. "You're sick, Ella. Sick."
"No. What's sick is you being the other woman. How would your mother feel, Kalina? To see her daughter becoming the one thing that broke apart her marriage."
"So this is why you've been worming your way into our cadre," I sneered at her, despite the shame that overwhelmed me.
"Well, I didn't agree to arrange your birthday party for nothing. It's the best way to guarantee an invite."
"You know what?" I spat out, mind made up. "You go ahead and spread that, Gabriella. I want to see if they'll believe me or you, another girl on Cole's arm."
Ella just stared at me. Then, she fished for her phone in her purse and nausea rose in me as a recording of my breathless voice player.
"Blake," I gasped. "We can't do this."
"Helen doesn't have to know, Kalina. You know I love you. Only you."
"That's just the audio. And only part of it. Imagine if I played the video."
I squeezed my eyes shut and thought for a long moment. I was torn. This was the last thing I wanted out but I also didn't want her to blackmail me. I made up my mind in the next minute. "Go ahead, Ella. Unlike you, I never chose to be a blue blood. They chose me. I could care less about status. You do whatever you want."
By the time I had pushed past her and was about to leave the room, Ella spoke again. And this time, I did listen to her.
"What if I broke up Blake Everson and Helen Lorani's engagement for you?"
I froze at her words.
"Ah," Ella chuckled as I turned to stare at her, speechless. "I didn't think the rumors were true, not even after seeing this video."
"What rumors?" I asked before I could shut my mouth. I was eating right out of her palm but I could care less.
"Kalina Jeong, the girl in love with her best friend's fiancé, Blake Everson."
"It was supposed to be me." I closed my eyes after my confession, swearing at myself. God, get a grip on yourself. Gabriella Jontas now owns you. "You won't be able to break their marriage. It's binding."
"I'm curious, Kalina," Ella whispered, her eyes boring into me. "Why would you love someone like him? You know what he did. You know the real reason why Satin Queens became a blue blood and yet you still find it in your heart to love a monster."
"He wasn't always like that," I choked out, dizzy from this whole encounter. I never thought Ella had the guts to do this. For the first time ever, I had some respect for her.
"Oh, you think you can change him, don't you?"
"Shut the fuck up."
"Oh, I enjoy this. I enjoy this very much." Ella examined her manicured fingernails before she lifted her gaze to meet mine. "So what's it going to be, Kalina?"
I remember feeling a tinge of uncertainty. I remember thinking of Mason Scott, who had treated me sweetly recently. He was a what if. I also remember then thinking that I was just taking back what rightfully belonged to me.
Blake Everson.
I looked at Ella coldly, decisively. "You break up their engagement and I'll vote for you."
Ella smiled pleasantly, tauntingly, triumphantly. "You don't want to know how I'll break them up, birthday girl?"
I looked away. "No, Ella. I really don't."
x
"I changed my mind," I said, barely a week later, "Don't break up their engagement."
"Why the sudden change of mind?"
"I just changed my mind."
Ella touched up her lipstick in the bathroom of Erik Solar's mansion. "Today is my birthday, Kalina, why can't you be a little happier for me?"
"Like you were on mine?"
Ella paused before narrowing her eyes at me. "Careful, Kalina. I'm not that girl you can boss and order around. After today, you'll have to treat me with the same respect."
"Yeah, well, we don't have a deal so I guess you won't have my vote." I mimicked her pause and then smiled in a saccharine sweet way. "Oh, and you need an unanimous vote to become a blue blood."
"Don't be so sure of yourself," Ella murmured, cleaning up her makeup bag.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
Ella started putting on mascara, as if she had no care in the world. "What it means is that I'll break up their engagement and tell them you did it."
"You wouldn't do that."
"I would, Kalina, and a month ago, you were going to do it too."
Tears pricked at my eyes but I was not about to let this girl get the best of me. "What do you want from me?"
"Your vote. That's all I ever wanted from you."
"Fine," I breathed out, "You have it. Do we have a deal?"
"Always a pleasure doing business with you," Ella said over her shoulder and left the bathroom, where I stared into the mirror, seeing a stranger in the reflection.
I loathed myself.
x
"Blake," I pulled him aside urgently, careful to avoid the inquisitive and nosy eyes of students from Queens. "We need to talk."
"Kalina, if this is about what we're going to do to Ella, you know that I won't change my mind on it." Blake pinched his nose, exasperated at me.
"Please," I all but begged him. "Don't do this to her."
"She threatened you, Kalina! She threatened me too. All of us, Kalina. Gloria won't let this plan go because she hates her. You know this."
"I don't understand why you think she has the diary on her, Blake," I told him softly, eyes welling with tears. "This could really backfire, Blake."
"You think I don't know that?" Blake sneered, ripping his arm away. "Why do you think we had to do it on Blue Blood Island? It's far away from the police, Kalina, and it was the only way to lure her into the game."
"We stopped playing dangerous games for a long time!" I snapped, grabbing his arm so that he would listen to me. "Blake. I know her journal has all the blackmail on us but you can't do this just to steal it back."
"She made her bed by threatening me," his eyes were stormy, "Now it's time she sleep in it."
x
"I'm serious guys," I broke the silence as soon as Gloria left the room to fetch Ella from her party. "We should stop this. It isn't too late-"
"Kalina," Satin snapped at me with her blonde curls tumbling down her shoulders, "Why do you think we left Avery out of the loop on this? Because he would never go along with this."
"Then why did you leave me out of the loop?" Shannon responded coldly.
Satin shrugged unapologetically, "You talk too much."
"I don't want to do this," I cut in stonily before those two could start arguing. "And I'm going to tell her."
"No," Blake spoke, looking at me furiously, "You aren't."
My mouth dropped open. "You are the last person who can tell me what to do, Blake!"
"You want all of our shit to be aired to the world, Kalina?" Blake shouted. No one spoke up. Mason. Where was Mason? "You think any of us want to do this, after-" he glanced to Satin, who stared down at the table. Blake recovered, "She could expose us at any moment and it would be all over."
"Really? Who's fault is that, Blake?"
"Enough. Kalina, if you don't want to have anything to do with this, leave. Leave but don't say a word. You owe it to us after many years of being one of us." Cole surprised everyone by speaking into the silence that followed. He was always so quiet and weird that I never had much of a connection with him, despite being around with him for many years.
I wondered if Ella had any idea that her own boyfriend was in on this plan as well.
I blinked rapidly, trying to not break down. I stared Blake down as I said, "Well, for the record, I hated all of those years."
The door opened and Ella walked inside. Gloria followed, glancing at us pointedly. Ella ignorantly took the seat at the head of the table. That was Gloria's seat and she was very petty about it. It almost impressed me that she managed to stay impassive.
Ella asked, despite the coldness radiating off of everyone, "What game are you talking about, Gloria?"
"Well, it's tradition to play a game before your initiation."
"Initiation?"
"The initiation to being a blue blood."
Ella's excited waned when she glanced around. When she met my gaze, however, she still winked. It made me sick. "Where's Avery?"
"He cast his vote, Ella, but he said he wasn't feeling well. He won't be joining us tonight," I blurted out, unable to keep quiet for any longer.
Ella looked positively pissed but she politely said, "Well, I suppose-"
"I'm not feeling great either," I told her hastily, getting up out of my chair. Gloria stared at me furiously, knowing I was bailing, but I did not care. "I think I caught the same thing from Avery since we share the same symptoms."
"Oh yeah?" Ella tilted her chin and I could see the unspoken message. "What's that?"
I had gotten fed up with her. I already cast my vote and held up my end of the bargain. "The symptom of I don't give a fuck, Ella."
I left the room in a storm, wondering if I made the right decision to let her stay in that room.
x
I think about her often.
Her bloodied state flashed through my mind sometimes. The ambulance ringing. The looks on the blue bloods faces haunting me. The ashen, guilty looks imprinted on their faces.
Ella had permanently left a mark on me. She was the reason why I could never seem to be sober. I drank. I partied. I stayed the night with Mason and other guys to forget. She was a stain I could not wash away.
I suppose it shouldn't have surprised me, but no one spoke about her. She was taboo. A secret. No one dared to utter her name. It was almost as if Gabriella Jontas had never existed in our lives. Any trace of her was gone. Any link of her death to us was erased.
Only when her death was ruled a suicide did it seem like we could move on.
So I drank. I drank in the mornings. In the afternoons. In the nights. I drank before Blake came to find me. I drank when Mason held me. I drank whenever I could because being sober cut me to the core.
I drank to forget what I saw.
Everything I've seen.
"Avery," I said one night when I was wasted. "I- I can't do this anymore."
He steadied me against him as he brought me upstairs. "Kalina. This isn't healthy."
"Avery," I gripped his shoulders. Tears couldn't stop flowing out of me. "I hate everyone, but I hate myself more. I hate myself so much."
Avery Dragomir stopped. He was a brother to me. He was the only one I trusted to protect me and keep me safe without external motives. Avery Dragomir did not judge me. He cared for me and I hated that I was the way I was.
"Would she forgive me?" I sobbed as he tucked me in bed. "Will I ever stop hurting like this?"
"Kalina," Avery finally said. "We all do things we regret. Atonement doesn't come from forgetting. It comes from forgiveness."
"But- I-"
His silver eyes pierced mine and I saw the sadness and more importantly, the guilt in them.
"It will be okay, Kalina. We'll be okay again eventually."
It then occurred to me that maybe Avery Dragomir, who acted flawlessly even after Gabriella Jontas' death, was grieving.
For Ella and for what he did.
"Do you feel guilty about what we did?"
Avery Dragomir's silver eyes settled on me. "I don't know if she deserves it."
It became unspoken that we would never let any stranger near us ever again. I never thought it would happen until years later, a girl named Vesper Du Sang arrived into our lives.
I don't know how she did it, but one day, she became one of us without even knowing who we were. And we let it happen.
Blake and Gloria saw her as threats. Erik Solar was in love with her. Mason immediately liked her for some reason. Cole, I had no idea. Helen, I think, saw a bit of herself in Vesper. Satin hated her, of course, and Shannon saw her as a chance to redeem herself.
And Avery. I've never seen him act the way he did with her.
Me? I never fully opened myself to her. She scared me. I watched her and she never noticed. We all watched her, wondering if she would become Ella... or end up like her.
Usually, I woke up to nightmares of Ella Jontas, but one morning, it was Vesper Du Sang who had haunted my dreams. Sweat had soaked my forehead, her words taunting and ringing. Mother rushing in to hug me, wiping my tears away.
"You could have stopped it, Kalina, but you didn't. That makes you just as bad as them."
x