Hello, my lovelies. Sorry for being MIA. School can be very draining. Thank you for your support:) Enjoy.
I was irritated when I realized we don't necessarily need to raise our hands to knock.
However, every single person I've encountered didn't know it any differently. I gave it a lot of thought and as I am a woman of the 21st century my questions led me into the deep ocean of valueless knowledge. According to the internet, the gesture conveys meaning and purpose. Additionally, for some people, it may be a habit they have picked up over time without even realizing it.
Simple as that and still my thoughts wander back to that brief search every time my fist strikes the wood and my heart pumps in my chest. I am waiting for someone to open the door but hoping they won't.
Welcome to the complex world of social anxiety. At least the tiny part left after hundreds of hours of therapy and pills. But somehow I feel less of that with you. If I wrote you a letter I would tell you that I lost control and it happens all over again when our eyes meet. But not in this incredibly distorted way. In the same way, Albert Einstein countered that mass and energy are the same physical entity, your power has strength over those things that scare me. And you scare them away.
Usually it only takes a fraction of a second to consciously perceive a sound. As my brain registers the noise was too low for him to hear I immediately raise my hand to knock again.
It doesn't come to a second thump before the door opens and Kaden, this beautiful nightmare poisons my thoughts with images my mind deeply believes are happening in a different reality. I guess I haven't stopped fighting it because I made those happy ending scenarios of my life so many times only to be punched across the face by reality. But who wouldn't hold onto such splendid thoughts if it was the only way to open my eyes in the morning?
"Come in, they will be here in a minute." He explains in a cool tone, his eyes on his watch.
Before I could respond, he turns around and I close the door shut behind us. I take my time, turning around slowly before following him.
"I read your last essay." Kaden startles me and I take another step so I see his expression.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me." The humor in his voice clearly audible.
"How? I- what?!"
"I have read your writing on the female perspective in novels written by men. Interesting." He states it as a compliment but not like when you call someone a random endearment after them complimenting you first. He seems intrigued as if it's not the first time the topic came up in his thoughts.
I pull the flesh of my cheek between my teeth, narrowing my eyes to his back. I don't like him nice, do I? It's confusing... it's building too much trust.
I clear my throat, looking around the room, acting bored. I travel my gaze from one tile on the floor to the next, counting them, knowing his attention is on me. I take my hand and hold it in front of my mouth to yawn.
"And what you should be interested in is why I read your essay and how I know about it and how I even got it."
"No, not really. You stole it. It isn't published yet, so nobody has read it yet. Should I call you a little thief, Kaden?" I pouted at him, looking up with a playful innocence.
"No, no no... you gave it to me. Yesterday. Don't you remember? You sent it to me."
"I didn't."
"Are you sure?" His teasing tone gives away what I know but this confidence... he could say anything and he would bring it across believable.
"100 percent."
"Mmm. I must be wrong, then. The number of cyber attacks has increased dramatically in the last decade, and the authorities are unable to keep up. There is a chance the university's database was hacked and boom: Your essay is all over the spectrum. For everyone to read."
I am quiet for a moment, taking out my phone and checking the time. They should have been here 15 minutes ago.
"Could you learn something? It must have shocked you to read such sophisticated words, describing this complex, often subjectively perceived topic."
"Yes, I did. About you...
My words are not the only ones who can.... oh, what were the words?... "read people." I don't have a diagnosis as I am not a professional and I am sure even though you occasionally lie to your therapist, she knows your disorders. I am here to tell you how angry you were when you wrote that text..." He leans his arms on the couch, crossing one leg over the other. He taps his index finger against the smooth leather as he wears a sheepish but determined expression on his face.
"I am impressed, sweetheart. You know exactly one thing about me, which is one of the most common emotions everyone experiences in his life on a daily basis. Anger. You got it all figured out. Are you a little genius?"
I step forward, teasing him with my slow steps. Kaden is not shy, looking over my hips as they swing with my movements.
I am not blessed with-no I will correct myself. I just don't have many curves, just enough to look feminine. But you cannot be blessed, or not be privileged with physical features that are only here to feed into society's toxic standards.
You have them, or you don't. What I wasn't fortunate with were healthy limbs, painless walking. Even if I were close to those standards, they would die with time anyway. In that case, I would mourn the loss of something that isn't worth mourning. I have to admit, there are some parts of my body that are really close to what is often perceived as perfect and some are just not.
I often wish I looked like them. Walk talk, act like them.
But as I have realized there are often only two reasons why you hate how your exterior is seen.
1.) Other women. Projecting their insecurities onto you.
It's just jealousy, I promise.
2.) Men, doing the same because they know they are beneath you and even if it's a pretty boy insulting you. I promise you, he says those things because you have something he wants. He may be regaining his pride as a result of your rejection.
It's possible that you have more friends than him. It's possible that you have better grades and are more friendly. Have a good family. It's always something you might never expect in a thousand years.
But why would you hold back loving you only for those people. I mean, they are just... people.
Human beings.
You are still young and fear that nobody will love you because of those reasons, but they want to be you. Are you in a situation where you desperately want a man's reassurance?
Believe me there are always thousands of them out there who would kill to be with you.
No matter how you look, how you feel about yourself.
But that shouldn't matter.
I know it does, little Ally.
But it won't matter. What matters is when you are walking towards him, you stand proud and you know that you are not imagining his looks. You know, the affect you have on him.
And even if he wouldn't feel this way... would he be worth it then?
No man can demand your spirit.
"Genius? I like when you call me that." He snaps me out of my thoughts. Out of my conversation with my younger self.
"You forgot the little part?" I reply.
He rubs his thumb over his full lower lip, looking with a little smile to the side. When he lifts his gaze to mine there is a boyish look about him. A little blush is creeping up his neck and tinting his cheeks.
"If you think I am little, then so it should be, don't you think?"
"It doesn't hurt you in the slightest? Doesn't pinch your ego? Then I must be wrong because I thought you insulted me and gave me those dirty looks because you, yourself had a fragile ego and that's why you wanted to destroy mine." I step closer, only a few inches apart. I lean up, proving, him being much taller than me.
"Months ago? I can't believe it's been almost half a year."
"Time flies by if you have something to look forward to every day."
"I wouldn't know. Never had such a person but I have to correct your mistake from before. No it doesn't hurt me because I didn't insult you because of a fragile ego. I insulted you because back then... I was an inconsiderable, insufferable idiot. And I am not saying that I am better now but I realized my mistake. You looked bre-" He stops himself as if something came to his mind. He straightens up, takes his hands behind his back and walks to the door.
"We came of the topic. I just wanted to say that your essay was decent. You should explore more of that talent."
I don't react, I just roll my eyes internally.
"Kaden?"
"Mhm" He turns around, a hopeful glint in his eyes, a frown lingering.
"You didn't have to gift me those things. I know you have the money but it wasn't necessary."
„It's not about having the money. It's about spending it on the right things." He clears his throat and I can see the instant regret as the words leave his lips.
Last night, you kissed me with those lips. They regret us, so they whisper statements of resentment while comforting you.
"We are gonna talk about last night, Graham. I am sure you don't want a relationship with me and I don't either. But I'm worth more than someone you can discard."
"You are right... you deserve nothing but my respect. And you have it, Ally but as you said... it happened yesterday. When we were both drunk. It's the past. I am attracted to you and obviously you are to me but that was it. You heard what your great big brother said." He flashes me a provoking look, watching my reaction as he mentions Dorian.
The threat of our secret...
Our secrets.
"Alright. I am a big girl, I can handle a no but I also catch your lies. Don't expect me to cry over you. I mean, we are partner's, right?"
"Right."
"Good then do me a favor and shut up now. We don't want the children to hear mommy and daddy fight, do we?" I mock him in a teasing tone.
"Oh, no . We wouldn't."
He opens the door and on cue we both put on our fake smiles and welcome the kids. Or are they fake? I am not sure as Elias is following after Valeria. As always, with a grumpy look on his face.
„What are we going to do today?" She asks, looking excited but with a bit of uncertainty in her face with every word she says. I nod proudly as I realize she wants to continue.
"We haven't seen each other for so long." She whispers, her voice dry, sounding achy.
"That's true, I am sorry. But from now on we will see each other all the time." I smile at her.
I look up and see Kaden leaning against the door next to Elias, watching our encounter.
"We will play chess. Do you know what that is?"
Ok, that's not what we discussed.
I don't remove my eyes from him but in my peripheral vision I see her shaking her head.
"I will teach you. You will be champions. According to a little birdie, your teacher is often described as gorgeous, talented, and supreme.
And then there is Ally... she is decent too." He looks at me and as he senses my realisation and takes in my annoyed but amused look he releases a chuckle.