Sam's pov
Getting onto a plane after an almost completely sleepless night spent both mad at your girlfriend and mad at yourself for being mad at her wasn't an experience I'd recommend.
While I recognized that making mistakes in a relationship was normal, especially if it's one's first serious one, I couldn't understand why Ellie would have encouraged my ex to even talk about me in the first place.
She knew how much it'd upset me, especially after I spent the day after unexpectedly seeing her crying and full of anxiety, so why would she do that?
And especially, why did hearing the confirmation of stuff she more or less already knew cause her to panic so badly? I thought I'd finally succeeded at winning her full trust after Valentine's day, but I apparently was wrong.
I also felt bad for almost completely ignoring her for a day or so, but I felt so angry when she told me what happened that I knew it wasn't a good idea to be with her. As much as my anger issues had gotten better in the past years, I tended to exaggerate everything and say excessively cruel things whenever I felt that kind of rage. I wouldn't have wanted to hurt her even more.
The image of her talking about me to Maya kept popping into my mind and filled me with more dread each time. It was as if a really bad dream had just come true.
I really hadn't been feeling good about the two having to spend time together at work, let alone out on a Saturday evening, but I didn't bother telling her because there wasn't much either of us could do about it.
To make things worse, I was headed right to the city in which all of the negative memories that kept resurfacing in my head happened.
Maybe some time apart would do me good, having to see each other everyday regardless if we wanted it or not would have probably created even stronger tensions. But I also was sad that our goodbye before leaving was so cold.
By the time I got to the accommodation I was provided for, a hotel near the college campus I was going to work in, it was 9am. But my body still thought it was 2pm and I had less than half hours of sleep than I'd been awake for.
I sat on my bed trying not to fall asleep and tormenting myself with thoughts about what I'd said to Ellie until it was time to put my emotional self aside, and only show my professional side.
There was no way I'd let that negatively influence the work opportunity I'd been given, and if there was a moment in which I had to use my skills in pretending I'm feeling in a totally different way than I actually am, it was then.
The building looked like most English universities did: ancient on the outside and artificially modern inside. The general atmosphere felt much less chaotic than in New York, everyone didn't seem in a hurry to go somewhere.
I'd also mentally prepared myself to probably not be taken as seriously as I wished I would by the mostly male and older than me professors I was going to have to deal with, telling myself I wouldn't get irritated at them like I normally would. If they chose me for that opportunity they must have seen something in me, after all. Teaching those classes could potentially lead to big names in my academic area to want to work with me, so I could just suffer internally for once.
I swallowed my nerves and entered the room I was indicated to go to, where I'd meet my colleagues for the week. As I turned my phone off the picture I had as a lockscreen, which would normally give me the right encouragement for anything, filled me with sadness for a few seconds. I really hoped we could go back to being so happy together.
Something I immediately noticed after teaching my first class was that everyone attending seemed to be following each word I'd say and be extremely focused, which wasn't exactly what happened in New York.
Maybe it was because the room was definitely smaller than I was used to, so people felt that I'd notice it more easily if they were distracted, or maybe since the class wasn't compulsory only genuinely interested people attended. Ellie would always say I scared people, so that was another option. But I doubted that was the case.
By the time I arrived back to my hotel room I was feeling completely exhausted, so I decided to take a nap before going to the business dinner I'd been invited to. I did tell the people I might not make it because of how tired I was, but I still really wanted to make a good impression.
Once I woke up it turned out my plans had failed, because it was almost midnight.
"Fuck" I mumbled as I got up, looking for my phone so I could politely apologize to the professors who'd invited me.
I got changed from my work clothes I was still wearing and threw myself on the bed again, the thoughts I'd been trying to suppress all coming back. I had this weird feeling of missing Ellie, but still being bothered by what she did.
I really hoped she was doing okay in that moment. Knowing her, she wasn't, which made me sad. But I also felt that me being some kind of angry was legitimate. I just wanted to be able to show that I wasn't who I was in the previous years, and her talking to my ex about it made it a thousand times more difficult. On both ends.
In an attempt to take my mind off it I turned the tv on until I fell asleep again, but I woke up at something like 5am after having a nightmare about Ellie and my ex. I checked my phone to see a recent text from Ellie, saying goodnight. I'd be lying if I said hearing from her didn't make me feel happy.
It was too early to get ready for the day but too late to fall asleep again, so I just switched my laptop on to work for an hour or so.
"You can see how much passion you have in what you're teaching" one of the head professors of the faculty told me once I was done with my second class.
"Thanks" I smiled, proud of myself. "I really do love my job"
"I can tell. You'll do great things" he nodded.
"Hopefully" I shrugged. "I appreciate it"
"Of course, the university you're teaching in in New York is really lucky"
"I'm honored" I chuckled. "London always will have a special place in my heart, anyway"
And that was true, because regardless of the negative memories linked to it I had, London would always be my city. Even if I only officially moved there for college I'd been finding every good occasion to visit way before. It was just the only city which gave me a full sense of belonging.
Since I wasn't as tired as the day before, I was able to have a peaceful walk through the city's central area, which lifted my mood from everything that had caused me to feel so stressed in those days.
I sent Ellie some photos I took later on, knowing she'd genuinely appreciate them. And also because I wanted to hear from her. The missing her part had started to become stronger than the 'why on earth would she do something like that' part. And it'd only been two days.
The following day I was able to meet up with some of my friends in the evening, something that made me really happy because I'd also been missing them very much. Last time I'd seen them I was drunk most of the time, so I was glad to lucidly talk to them about how my life had been going and my job.
While I saw going out with them as something else to take my mind off Ellie, she eventually became the center of our conversation at one point. I'd barely mentioned her months before so properly telling them about her was fair, and I was always happy to talk about her in the first place.
The problem is, out of all the places we could have arranged to meet in, they chose one specific bar we'd always go during our college years, five minutes from where I used to live, which happened to be where I'd first met Maya.
I was there alone after a particularly miserable day when this confident looking girl came up to me to ask if I had a lighter, which was probably an excuse because while I did have a lighter, she sat next to me and we ended up talking for hours. We could have never imagined what that single conversation started.
So talking about Ellie in a place that would inevitably make a few specific memories resurface felt even more uncomfortable. And since I couldn't be bothered to explain what happened a few days before to my friends, also because of how relieved they were when they didn't have to hear about Maya once we broke up, it was hard to pretend everything was okay between us.
Luckily, one person I could talk about the situation to was my sister, who I was able to see the next day. She was also not too happy to hear about Maya, "Not her again" being her first response to hearing the name, but she understood I really needed to talk about it so she just let me go on.
"Maybe you shouldn't be so harsh with her. I mean, you being upset about it makes sense because I know how much that bi- your ex hurt you. But from what you told me being in a serious relationship is all new to her, and if she generally worries about stuff easily then things like these might happen, especially since she knows about your past, I guess. You should just let her know you're there for her and not make her feel bad for worrying so much." she said once I was done explaining the situation. "And knowing you, you probably did make her feel bad for it. Or even worse, blamed her for it"
"I- I did not! Maybe I just got a little too defensive but I didn't blame her for anything" I mumbled, vaguely offended.
"I hope that's true. I'm getting flashbacks of you doing something similar" she shrugged. "I told you to be careful with her as soon as you first told me she's ten years younger than you, given your past. Turns out I was right"
"I swear I'm not...I'm not like that anymore" was all I could say. "And age has nothing to do with this"
"I think it does, just a tiny bit. And I'm glad if you really aren't like that anymore. But yeah, maybe talking to Maya about you wasn't a very good move either. She could have just talked to you if she was feeling worried" she added.
"Yeah, exactly. I just wish she hadn't projected her worries on the worst possible person she could have done that with" I said, feeling slightly relieved from having talked about it with someone.
But I knew that everything would eventually be okay. The more days passed the more I missed Ellie. I missed waking up in the morning with her all snuggled up in my chest, I missed the rides to college and the moments in my office, I missed falling asleep on the couch cuddled up with her, after claiming I wouldn't fall asleep while watching a movie that time. I just missed having someone I knew would always be there for me, and also always being there for someone.
As my sister said, I had to recognize that all of this was completely new to her, and being a person who'd naturally get worried easily, what she did was probably dictated by her anxiety more than anything else. Which wasn't a total justification, but it helped me to see the reasons behind her actions. I just wished I could make all of her worries tied to me disappear, I hated to know that they were still present no matter how hard I tried to show there was no need.
There's no way of controlling one's emotions, though. And I had to accept that hers might have been caused by legitimate causes, even if it would have been better if she hadn't re-opened that story and willingly asked about something that she knew would upset both me and herself.
I did love and accept every single part of her, and if being with her meant being by her side as she overcame her fears, then that's what I'd do. Hopefully she'd reach out to me to do that, instead than to my ex.
Talking on the phone with Ellie felt really good, I didn't realize how much I'd missed her voice until I heard it. I was glad to talk things out, since I felt like I owed her an apology for my reaction and for making it seem as if she was the only one who did something wrong.
I was also really glad to agree that me coming back to New York would be a fresh start, or a new chapter, or whatever nice way there is to describe an opportunity to begin something again.