(a/n: i felt like it would be nice to hear sam's thoughts on everything since i never really gave space to them :') )
Sam's pov
I felt the happiest I'd felt in many years that evening, like anything that could happen wouldn't be enough for me to not be as happy anymore.
The more I looked at Ellie the more I realized how much I loved her, and even if my first time saying that wasn't what I'd thought it would be, I knew it would have slipped out sometime soon anyway.
We went back to my place after dinner and just spent hours cuddled up in my bed, not saying or doing much. Just enjoying each other's company. I couldn't really figure out what, but something between us felt different.
I suddenly felt like it wasn't just me and her, but us. If that made any sense. Like saying "I love you" for the first time confirmed everything that had happened in the past months. Like nothing felt as certain and meant to be as us being together.
The smile on my face never faded away, not even when Ellie fell asleep in my arms and I just couldn't do the same because of all the emotions I was feeling. I didn't mind though, and I didn't want to move anyway because that would have woken her up. Her mouth was also curved into a hint of a smile, which I found really cute.
The more I looked at her, the more I also realized how lucky I'd gotten and how much I couldn't envision a future, or a near future at least, without her. Which felt weird for me, because just the word 'future' was something that scared me in the past.
Ellie was the first person who didn't make me feel bad about wanting to focus on one day at a time, and respected it, even before we were officially together.
At first I'd been skeptical and felt something similar to guilt because I thought that being much older than her, I wasn't supposed to have those kinds of needs. But thanks to the time spent with her I learnt that being older didn't mean not having doubts and fears.
And I was also scared she'd get the impression that just because of my age I would push her into a commitment before she was ready. That was one of the main details that held me off from even initiating everything during the first months.
I knew she'd just moved away from her hometown and finally was able to live more freely, I didn't want to be an obstacle in her doing that. But paradoxically she still wanted some kind of stability in her life, something that I'd been struggling to maintain for years, so it turned out for the best for the both of us.
What I also noticed is that, even if we'd never really discussed it, Ellie had this deep need to feel cared for and have emotional intimacy with someone. And I'd often find myself feeling good when acting particularly caring towards someone, helping people had always been something that I did quite spontaneously.
Even though people will say clichè stuff like 'age is just a number', which I'd probably joked about during the first times we went out, I kind of felt like that was true in our case. The age detail hadn't been noticeable in ages by then, we were just two people who found each other and, well, fell in love.
I eventually fell asleep, probably many hours after my girlfriend, my face almost buried in her always floreal-smelling hair. Luckily I had no problems with not sleeping much, since I had to get up early for work.
I tried to move as little as I could when the time came, but a confused mumble came out of her mouth as I cautiously moved her head on a pillow.
"Sorry baby" I whispered. "I need to go to work but I know you have later classes today, you can stay in bed as long as you want if you're still tired"
"Hm, thanks" she rolled onto her side. "I think I'll stay here another bit, don't wait for me"
"Okay then. See you later" I leaned down to kiss her forehead, covering her with the blanket that had moved from her body.
"See you later" she slightly opened her eyes. "I love you"
"I love you too" I smiled, kissing her one last time and feeling all warm inside at being able to say that. It still felt surreal.
Giving her a ride to college had become such a usual thing for me to do that it felt strange to not have someone to talk to in the car, when she happened to have classes later in the day.
But maybe, in some ways, it was also good to not be together all the time. I'd sometimes get scared that the fact that we were basically almost always together, since she studied where I worked and we lived in the same building, would cause problems, but up to then it really hadn't.
And that was also just a result of none of us having that many close friends there in the city. My friend group was all still in England, and since I'd first moved to New York with my ex, everyone I knew was also connected to her, which wasn't a good thing after the breakup.
My friends from back home were all mostly people I'd known since high-school, so we were really close even if we weren't the kind of friends to constantly catch up with each other. I didn't tell them much about Ellie because they tended to be quite judgy sometimes, but I was sure that they'd like her if they sometime actually met her. Honestly, I would have been surprised if anyone didn't like her, being such a kind and sweet person with everyone.
I was happy about her starting a job because I knew it might have given her an opportunity to get to know people, to have a life outside of college and, well, me. But then everything went down in probably the worst way it could.
I was still shocked that out of literally everyone in New York, Maya would be the one to end up being her co-worker. Literally the last person on earth I wanted her to be in contact with.
Suddenly seeing her the other day sent me into a spiral of anxiety, and I didn't even know where it was coming from because I really thought I was emotionally over that situation. It was just as if every emotion I felt when we were breaking up came back within a few seconds. And I was luckily good at making my expression look as if I didn't care in those situations, or I would have burst out crying right there.
Our relationship had been a really long and intense one, five years of strong emotions and fights followed by making up as if nothing had happened. Most of it being because how similar we were without realizing it before it was too late.
There was no way two stubborn, overly sensitive and jealous people could be compatible in the long run, but all of that was also what made us so intensely drawn to each other.
I knew I had my faults in why everything went how it went, I did some horrible things I still felt bad about, but we both also knew that she didn't make any of it better. She always left me to deal with all of my struggles on my own because "I needed to get over it" or "it wasn't her business" or whatever, especially during our final few months together.
Although, if we had never broken up I would have never moved out and would have never met Ellie, something that made me feel dreadful just by thinking about it.
Maybe I would have met her, but just as a professor, which was also another reason I held back from her at first. But we were bound to happen at one point anyway, and the risk was worth it. Definitely worth it. Nothing could beat the look on her face every single day when I walked into class, and basically during all of it.
I didn't even know if she noticed how completely smitten the look on her face was, but I found it incredibly adorable. It felt good to know someone was so happy to see you. I walked in the room that day and once again saw her eyes light up as she talked to her friend, while supposedly waiting for me to arrive.
And about that friend of hers, Mei. She seemed genuinely nice, I was glad she'd found such a good friend in her. I just kept thinking about that one night in which Ellie stormed into my apartment after being kissed by her. I really wasn't jealous, it wouldn't make sense since I was the one with Ellie at the end of the day, but that girl would always remind me of that specific event, which I found quite funny.
From what my girlfriend had told me the situation had cleared, though, since Mei seemed to be having fun with her other co-worker. Who also happened to be one of Maya's friends, I'd met her a few times.
I was just hoping that nothing would slip out of both of their mouths, I knew how much Mei knowing about us would bother Ellie. While it wouldn't create any particular problems for me, I recognized that it would create some sort of problems in their friendship. I wanted her to tell her friend when she was ready to tell her and not because she was obliged to.
So I perfectly understood when she did stuff like leaving class with Mei instead of stopping to my office, as much as I wished I could just kiss her in front of everyone as she walked by my desk while heading out.
I'd been feeling particularly eager to physically be with her after the previous evening, it was as if there was some magnetic force between us. Not that it wasn't there before, but it definitely got stronger.
And it felt unusually pleasant for me, such intense feelings being something that scared both myself and made me worried I'd scare people away in the past. I'd tried to keep the scaring myself part under control for Ellie, I knew she needed to take these kinds of things slow, never having experienced a proper relationship.
Especially when it came to physical contact I really had no idea on what and how much she was comfortable with, so I'd always made sure to move with caution, assuring myself that she was okay with everything I did. It felt good to know I still had that gentle and caring side of me after so long of not using it.
In the past years my sexual habits had been, you could say, quite rough and dominant. Partly because I enjoyed it, of course, but deep down I knew that a part of me wanted to use physical pleasure and control to not think about the emotional pain I was experiencing.
I was glad to see Ellie would always properly communicate what she liked and what she felt comfortable with, really wanting to respect her and her boundaries as much as I could. I had this protective feeling towards her that I'd never really felt for anyone before, and that had also probably got stronger after the previous evening.
Not having slept many hours because of all of my emotions caught up halfway through the morning, my brain suddenly not able to properly connect whatever I was teaching unless I drank an unhealthily big amount of coffee as soon as possible.
In a slightly unprofessional way, I ended my class ten minutes earlier, but the alternative was inappropriately yawning in front of all the students, which would have not been that nice of a view. And another even less professional reason was that the professor's bathroom had been out of use for two days, and from what I'd heard it would be that way until the following week.
So I needed to get to the generic bathrooms before classes ended and they'd fill up with students, the last thing I wanted in that moment was to be surrounded by young people loudly talking about stuff I didn't care about.
But what I didn't realize was that by finishing earlier, students from my class also would go there earlier. So as I was in a stall the room started to fill with loud voices and laughs.
I was about to exit it once I was done until I heard a familiar voice. Or better, two familiar voices.
"I wonder why she finished earlier today. Not complaining, though" I recognized Ellie's friend's voice.
"Yeah, more time to relax between classes" Ellie said. "Professors get tired too I guess"
Hearing her speak about me to someone else was funny to me, it took all of me to not audibly laugh at it.
I really wanted to hear where the conversation was going and I didn't want to just show up in front of them, even if it would have been a fun experience, honestly.
"I wonder what she's been up to all night for her to be so tired" Mei snickered.
"Mei!" I literally could picture Ellie's frown without even seeing it.
"If I were you I'd be trying to cross paths with her in the building all the time" she went on.
"That would literally be stalking"
"No it wouldn't, just a coincidence. And it's not as if you don't also think she's hot"
"I do. But it's not as if she'll magically get friendly with me if I appear in front of her all the time"
I loved how defensive she'd get even when trying to act as if she believed what she was saying. I'd come to learn that her getting overly defensive probably meant she was lying.
"Whatever" Mei laughed. "Also, Sarah told me we should go out with you and Maya again sometime this week, what do you think?"
I partly froze at just hearing the name.
"Oh, uhm, I don't know if I can this week. You can go without me, though, it's fine"
"We can do next week. And if you're just making up excuses because you're uncomfortable with me and Sarah I promise we won't be as embarrassing as the other time. Plus, you can talk with Maya"
"Yeah, I'll see"
"Maybe something will happen between the two of you. I see the chemistry"
That suggestion alone was enough for me to want to violently kick the door open, but I just limited myself to clenching my fists.
"You literally see chemistry everywhere"
"No I don't. I just know when I have a feeling. You need the bathroom?"
"You can go before me, I'll wait til this other one is free" my girlfriend said.
I couldn't really tell if there were other people in the bathroom, and if I should have waited for the two girls to leave the room before walking out. But I was also dying to see Ellie's reaction to seeing me, just for fun.
I walked out of the stall before I could rethink about it, and saw that there were other people waiting in line.
She didn't see me immediately because she was on her phone, but when I went to wash my hands her face became surprised as she looked up and we made eye contact through the mirror in front of me.
I almost imperceptibly smirked and her mouth curved into something similar to held back laughter, her cheeks flushing.
I walked out of the bathroom also laughing to myself, and immediately pulled my phone out.
you: Thank you for saying I'm hot ;)
Ellie :) : it's the least i could do
Ellie :) : i'm gonna be fantasizing about us in this bathroom now
you: My office is definitely more comfortable, though
I really couldn't believe this girl had me smiling at my phone like a blushing highschooler or something. But I also greatly enjoyed that bold side of her.
Something I couldn't really ignore about the conversation, comments about my appearance aside, was that because of the whole Maya situation she couldn't go out with her friends. I couldn't help but feel somewhat guilty about it.
"Hey, uhm, I'm sorry that my situation with...her, is preventing you from going out with your other friends" I told Ellie once we were finally able to spend time together.
Being in my bed in the same exact position as the evening before made me feel as if the day hadn't even gone by.
"What?" she looked up, confused.
"What you said in the bathroom"
"Oh. Forgot you were there" she giggled. "It's okay, though. Nothing you should be sorry about"
"It kinda is my fault, though"
"Look, nothing is stopping me from going. Unless you don't want me to spend more time than I already have to with Maya"
"God no. I'd never force you not to spend time with someone" I said, although thinking about the two together did give me an anxious feeling.
"And it's not as if we're having conversations that consist of more than two words lately anyway" she went on. "Don't feel guilty about me losing a friend or whatever because you also know that I'd choose you over a thousand friends"
"That's not something so obvious I'd know it without you saying. But thanks" I chuckled, leaning my head down to kiss her.
"Well, it is in my mind. But yeah, not your fault since none of us could have known. It's all good" she smiled, with that one specific kind of smile that always made me want to smother her face with kisses.
"Okay then" I sighed. "I'll try to not worry about it"
"You'd better"
"Or else?" I joked.
"I'm not sure you wanna now" she confidently said.
"I do, though" I squinted my eyes, lifting her chin. Her assertive expression soon turned into the slightly shy one I was used to.
"Don't ruin my moments of dominance" she pouted.
"I didn't do anything" I chuckled.
"Well, I can't talk to you properly when you show your attitude. You make me nervous"
"Do I now?"
"Stop, you know you do" she shook her head, looking down. "You need sleep now if you don't wanna end up half asleep in class like this morning"
"You're not wrong" I laughed, pulling her body closer to mine so that my head could rest on the top of hers. "Goodnight, my love"
"Goodnight" she giggled, snuggling with me. "Love you"
"Love you too" I smiled to myself.