Oh, don't pretend like you haven't had this question for many months now. I rarely discuss this, and for good reason. First I think I need to address the elephant in the room. Regarding Creepypastas, that's not related to anything I've discussed so far. They are not Creepypasta. I hope the disappointment will drive you far, far away from here. Yes, Creepypasta are just fictional stories created on the internet. But those stories are based off something, derived off a piece of reality, whether consciously or not. Creepypasta itself will never be what these creatures are. They are not the way you imagine them, or heard about them. It's difficult to put into words what They exactly are, but They exist on a plane so beyond our perception that everyone sees Them differently. The brain fills in the gaps, and when it can't, you feel that strange uneasiness, as you do with the Tall One, or Tree man, Or the Hollow Man, they're all the same creature. Assuredly, that creature has a face. You cannot perceive it, you cannot fill in the gaps, for the brain cannot create a new face. And so all you're left with is a blank slate. You probably can't imagine what His features might be like, either. They are not human, not alien, there are no eyes, no ears, and no nose or mouth, but He has a face. You don't understand, do you? Exactly. That's what I mean by beyond perception and understanding.
I despise those who pretend as if they have a single clue what they are facing. There is a reason why we've failed to beat Them at Their own game. Humans have limitations. We may be clever, and some wise, but in the end our only hope is using our brain, which is more limited than anything else. It's fragile, full of neurons and pathways which any trauma, physical or mental, can sever or even worse, destroy completely. So ask yourselves, if you were able to percieve Them, would you survive? If They did not kill you, could you be assured of your sanity? The human brain is easily overwhelmed with data it can't translate. If you hear something the brain can't translate, you will probably not hear it at all. If you see something you can't perceive, you won't see it at all. The brain naturally tunes it out for your safety. Yes, I'm human too. I cannot percieve Them any better than you can. But at least I understand, or rather have an idea of what I'm dealing with. While you flaunt around your "knowledge" proudly, I'm forced to deal with the consequences of your stupidity. What do you think my job is? Why did I even become a Servant? To clean up the mess that we all made, bit by bit. Picking up the pieces of our broken society and building it again. You think it was selfish of me. Yes, I did it to survive. But I also did it so we could all survive a bit longer. I bought us precious time. Of course you don't understand what goes on behind the scenes. You see a Servant and think, they are decieving me. We are not monsters. I don't claim to be a saint, or a hero. Nobody ever is or can be. But unlike you, I'm trying to take action. I have to be selfish or else everything will collapse in on itself. Do you think I like being forced to do His bidding? Being a slave? Not having free will to choose who to be? I don't expect you to thank me or show gratitude. But I do expect respect. Respect for what Servants do.
You've heard of an odd few who were horrible, absolute tyrants. At least, to you. But what I see are broken people trying to live another day. It's not fun, it's not an adventure. You have to give up a part of yourself, throw away your morality and your beliefs, your faith, your trust, your love. Everything. Oh yes, you didn't think that was part of the deal, did you? I didn't just choose to become this way. I had no other options. And if you were me, you'd do the same. I had to protect the people I loved, and most importantly, myself. I'm selfish, and I feel no shame for that. The lengths I've gone to in order to be here right now, I feel no shame for. You praise soldiers for protecting their country, but when it comes to Servants, we're suddenly villains and monsters. There is no right side. Only those who live, and those who die. What, did you think there were heroes and villains? This is real life. Even runners, even gatherers, have done unspeakable things to survive. You weren't there when I watched them tear each other apart like animals. It's human nature, we are just advanced animals. Nobody can argue with their instinct.
We're the ones who maintain everything, us Servants. We choose who to spare and who to kill. We choose what information should be shared and what kept. You think you're in control? Think again. We influence you, all around you, disguised as everyday people. You are puppets, and that's why I had no other choice besides this life. I didn't want to be a dog, a mere puppet, a sheep. Cattle running from wolves. It sounds arrogant. You can think whatever you'd like. It's the truth, and somewhere deep down, you know it. You might say I'm also a puppet. That all Servants are puppets. But that just means you know nothing. Everything is complicated, and nothing can ever be black and white. I would explain to you exactly why you're wrong, in excruciating detail. But I'll save my energy. There's no point explaining something neither of you will understand. You'd have to experience it for yourself. We do what we must to survive.
Now, as for what it's really like, it differs on a case to case basis. In my case, I like to think I got lucky. I'm not a field agent, my life isn't directly on the line. But I can explain, from what I've heard, what being a field agent is like. They have a lot more to lose. A lot more to give. Most don't have any parts left of them, only shells. It's quite saddening, and even shocking, to see someone who has lost themselves. I hope you never get to in this lifetime. I've had that pleasure, however. It's similar to looking at and talking to a wall. They don't make eye contact, make any facial expressions, or show any signs of life besides breathing. Their speaking is disoriented and barely coherent, and there's usually a rasp to it, as if they're forcing sound out of broken vocal cords. But that's only the ones who are far too gone. They are trapped within their own head, a brain who has no function besides keeping them alive. It's morbid, but I imagine they're fully conscious in there somewhere, knowing some part of them has slipped away and rotted, and there's nothing they can do about it. Similar to dementia patients, or those affected by nervous disorders, and of course, lobotomized patients. Physically, they perform well, because the bodily functions are carried out by the Ichor.
The ones who have some consciousness, will still be cognitively impaired for the most part. They are emotionally unstable and impulsive, as their nerves and brain have been severely damaged. There are still no definitive personality traits displayed in these types of Servants, as they're muscle and not made for cognition or thinking. You still don't see any individuality at this point. Their experience, I couldn't say for sure, but from what I've seen, they seem to be conscious of their pain and may lunge, attack, or throw objects due to not being able to soothe themselves any other way. It's painful to watch their confused, distorted expressions, as they try to collect any sense of self they have left. Sometimes, you can see the person they used to be before in their eyes, but it's brief. The Ichor causes a lot of pain due to nerve damage, so being conscious and aware of it must be true torture. Another case of being trapped in your own head, not being able to get out. The more you think about it, the more scared you get that it could happen to you.
Now we're up to what people like to call willing Servants, or Agents. I would fit into this category, but not as a field agent. In most cases though, it's the illusion of willingness, and usually these people had no other choice. Better to willingly serve, than become one of those mindless zombies, forced into submission. I can finally speak on personal experience, and I'll say one thing, it's not much better. You have autonomy, but it's more so an illusion. If there is something He doesn't like, you can't do it. It's physically impossible, and the more you try to go agaisnt it, the more Ichor consumes you. That's why Servants are so careful about what they say and what they reveal. It's not usually something to confuse you, it's just that they can't communicate any other way. Life is complicated for us, but at least we're alive. At least we don't suffer through endless pain like other Servants. We do His bidding and our reward is a mostly peaceful, mostly normal life, as normal as it can get. But I don't mean peaceful as in, there will be no challenges or enemies, or threats to our life. There will be. We do get killed, we do suffer. But it's much more peaceful than having to constantly run from something you know can't be outrun. At least you have some sense of security. I can't speak for other Servants, but I can say for sure that I feel much safer. I trust my own abilities and I know what I'm capable of, so I suppose that adds to the overall feeling. It's not fun by any means, and it definitely has its hardships. Your life is expendable and you're reminded every day. While Servants have an advantage over normal humans, we still can't fight Ichor, which is inside every organ and nerve tissue, observing us. Waiting to strike at every mistake, every flaw. And anyone you interact with for an extended period of time will automatically become involved. It's a life of walking on eggshells and leaving behind everything you've known. You can't reveal too much or too little to those close to you. You can never breathe a word about what you do to anyone but your co-workers. I have to be secretive because my life and comfort depends on it. And any information I do share, it's because I'm allowed to. If I don't respond to certain questions or give vague answers, it's because I have no other option.
Yes, I'm extremely flawed, all humans are. Servants like us just set aside those feelings of guilt and shame. We have to, or it'll drive us mad. Sometimes I do wonder if it could have ended differently. If I could have somehow avoided this entire scenario. But there's no point in thinking about what could have been. What's done is done, and I know I would have chosen the same thing if I was given the option again. I chose the best option for me. And now I'm not losing sleep wondering when I'll die.
That's right, there's no right or wrong in this world. Only survival. So before you question my morals, question your own.