"Selena and Gracie are gonna be at the show tonight," Taylor casually tells me as I walk out of the bathroom.
"What?! They are?" I stop in my tracks. I love them so much. They're pretty much family to us. "I'm so excited!" I squeal. "You should give your 22 hat to Gracie tonight." I tell Taylor. I sit down next to her.
"That's what I was thinking too," Taylor says as she hands me a bowl of cereal. We ordered room service today for breakfast. I sigh and take it from her. I know I was the one that chose cereal but I kinda regret it now. It's in milk. I can't hide it anywhere.
"Are they gonna meet us at the venue before the show starts?" I ask. I put a spoonful of cereal in my mouth and start chewing slowly.
"Yeah, they're coming an hour or so before doors open," She informs me. I eat another spoonful of cereal.
"I'm so excited," I say. I put the bowl of cereal down on the table and sit back. "I wonder what they're wearing tonight.
"I asked Selena but she wouldn't tell me! She said it's a surprise." Taylor rolls her eyes playfully. "Sky, you gotta eat your cereal." She grabs the bowl and sticks it out to me.
"Tay, I'm full," I groan.
"You only ate two spoonfuls," She points out.
"It's early in the morning," I counter.
"You've been up for 3 hours now," She counters back.
"I literally ate so much for dinner last night. My stomach is going to explode." I fight back. I have gained so much weight over the past few weeks. It's awful.
"You're eating less and less each day now. What happened? Did someone say something to you at one of the shows?" Well shit. She's been noticing that I've been restricting again. I thought she was too busy and tired to see it. But then again, it's Taylor. She notices everything.
"No, nothing happened. Taylor, I think you seriously need to take more time off. You deserve it. I know you're tired." I try to change the subject.
"We're talking about you right now," She brings the conversation right back. Changing the subject never works with her. "We are not leaving here until you finish that bowl of cereal. I already played at the AT&T Stadium last night so rehearsals aren't as important today." Taylor puts down her phone and looks at me.
"You suck," I roll my eyes. I still don't pick up my spoon or my bowl.
When I don't move for a good 5 minutes, Taylor picks it up herself and brings the spoon to my mouth. Here we go again. I turn my head so she can't force it in my mouth.
"Skylar," Taylor uses my full name.
"Taylor, I really can't do this today," I say and walk over to my bed. I lay down and pull the covers over me.
"Why? Are you okay?" She asks me.
"Yeah I'm fine. I'm just tired." I tell her.
"Oh, do you wanna stay here tonight? I'm sure you can see Selena and Gracie some other day." Taylor suggests. I know exactly what she's trying to do. One cruel woman she is.
"You bitch," I sigh loudly, making my annoyance known.
"I just want you to rest so that you don't pass out of exhaustion," She puts on her innocent face.
"Fuck you," I roll my eyes and drag myself over to the bowl of cereal.
I decide to get it all over with as quickly as I can. I shove as much cereal as I can in my mouth and swallow most of it.
"Woah, slow down Sky," Taylor tries to stop me but I push her hand away and keep going. If I don't think, then I can finish this damn thing. Will I feel like shit afterwards? Of course. But I can deal with that later.
After about 3 minutes, I had finished the whole thing. I had tears in my eyes, both from forcing myself to eat that fast and from the guilt of eating. I felt nauseous and gross.
Taylor starts rubbing my back. "Talk to me, what's going on?" She makes me look at her. Her eyes are filled with worry. This makes me cry even more. I hate how emotional I am.
"Can we just go now? I'm done eating." I try to get up but Taylor sits me down.
"Not until you talk to me. Something's clearly wrong."
"Damn it Taylor! Nothing's wrong!" I scream at her. I felt a little bad but frustration took over. More tears fall out. Taylor pulls me into a hug. I try to get out of her embrace but she holds onto me tight. "Let go of me!" I scream again. The truth is, I want her to hug me forever. I feel so safe. But I feel so weak and I hate that. "I said let go!" I try again but fail. Damn she's strong.
"Skylar, take a deep breath with me. Breathe in," She takes a big breath in. I don't do anything though. I'm too busy trying to break free from my sister's grips. She just holds me tighter. "Come on Sky, deep breath in," I huff but do as she says. "There you go. Now slowly breathe out." She instructs me. I breathe out at the same pace Taylor does. We do this a few more times. Not surprisingly, I actually feel way calmer and less frustrated now.
"Okay, I'm going to ask you again. What's wrong?" Taylor tries again. I sigh. What do I tell her? The truth? That's probably going to land me in the mental hospital. I know she's tired of dealing with it. But what lie can I tell? It seems like she's seeing through all of it. "I know you hate talking about these things. But it helps to talk about it. And I want to help you. I promise I won't send you away. Knowing you, that's not gonna do you any good. I know what you're going through and I know it's hard. Let me help you. Please."
"Can this conversation wait till tomorrow?" I ask. "I really don't want to cry again." I really don't want Selena asking me about this either. She's known me long enough to be able to tell if I was crying or not, just by looking at my face. She's probably gonna be able to tell anyways but there's a less chance of that happening if I don't cry again.
"You have to promise me you will talk to me tomorrow though," Taylor sticks out her pinky. I laugh at her.
"I promise," We interlock our pinkies and shake on it.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
"Sky!" I hear from behind me. I turn around to see Selena waving and walking towards me.
"Oh my gosh, hi guys!" I run over to them and give them both a hug.
"Hi Sel! Hey Gracie!" Taylor says on the microphone mid-Karma. The two of them wave to her.
"How have you been?" I ask.
"Really well! I missed you so much! How are you?" Selena says.
"I'm doing really good! I missed you both so much. I was so excited when Taylor told me this morning that you guys are gonna be at the show tonight." I smile.
"This is for you," Gracie hands me a bracelet. It'a a green bracelet with the word 'Lucky' spelled out.
"This is so cute, thank you!" I put the bracelet on my wrist and grab one of mine that I made. "This one's for you." I give her a light blue one with the words 'ur my best friend' spelled out.
"Thank you!" She looks up at me with a big smile on her face.
"I'm gonna go give some bracelets to Taylor and her friends," Gracie tells Selena and walks over to the stage.
"So," Selena starts. "How have you actually been?" She looks at me directly in the eyes.
"How much has Taylor told you?" I ask. I knew Taylor told Selena about some things. I had a huge meltdown when she was over at our house one time. But I never asked what she told her.
"That you're struggling a lot with eating," She tells me. I look over to the stage where Taylor and Gracie are now looking at all of Gracie's bracelets.
"Well, I'm trying," I let out a sigh. "But it's not easy, you know? I have to change my whole mindset and perspective on things and that's hard with my brain telling me stuff."
"What stuff?" Selena asks.
"You're gonna think I'm crazy if I tell you," I look at her.
"No I won't," She says. I mean, I know she wouldn't and I know she'd understand but it's so weird voicing my thoughts to someone. I think about it for a minute before I start talking again.
"It's like, telling me that all the hard work is gonna go to waste. And that I can't go back because I've come this far. I try to ignore it but it gets so loud that I can't. It won't stop." I look away again. I feel too vulnerable and weak right now to look at Selena.
"Have you told Taylor this?" She asks me.
"No. I can't tell her. She's already really worried. It's just gonna make it worse." Selena understandingly nods. I love Taylor and I trust her with my life. But I just can't tell her some things because I don't want to hurt her any more than I already have.
"Well, I won't tell her but I think you should talk to her. She's always gonna worry about you, you know her. She wants to help you and she wants you to be healthy. I want you to be healthy. I know it's hard but just keep trying, okay?" I give her a nod and a small smile. Selena pulls me into a side hug and we stay like that for a bit.
"This might be one of the best pictures I've ever taken," I hear Taylor's voice say. Apparently, so does Selena. We both turn to look at where she is. Gracie and Taylor are looking at us and giggling.
"What?" Selena yells.
"Nothing!" Taylor yells back.
"Get back to your rehearsal!" Selena rolls her eyes. Gracie and Taylor starts laughing.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
"Taylor, your fans are mad at you," I say as we climb into the car. "You should honestly just add Clean and Death By A Thousand Cuts to your setlist at this point." I suggest.
"I'm gonna have to play Death By A Thousand Cuts again," She laughs. "And I guess I could've done Clean in a different key so I might have to do that one again too."
"Good," I say. "Because I need to hear those songs live again."
"You've literally heard me sing that in front of you so many times," She rolls her eyes.
"But it's so different in a stadium full of people!" I disagree with her.
"Whatever you say," Taylor says.
"We're here," Our driver tells us.
"Thanks Paul," Taylor gives him a smile and climbs out of the car. I do the same.
"Are Selena and Gracie here already?" I ask Taylor. We're supposed to meet them at this restaurant for dinner.
"Yes they are," She opens the door for me. We walk in to find the two of them sitting in a table far from the windows.
"Hey," Selena looks up and smiles at us as we walk up to the table and pull our chairs out.
"Can I get you all something to drink?" A waiter comes up to us.
"Water's fine," I smile.
"I'll have Sprite please," Gracie tells the waiter.
"We'll have orange juice," Taylor points to Selena and herself. The waiter writes everything down and walks away.
"You two are so weird," I shake my head. "Orange juice is the worst juice."
"Orange juice is the best juice, what do you mean?" Taylor looks weirdly at me.
"Apple juice is so much better," Gracie says.
"Thank you," I look at Gracie. "I'm glad you know what's good and what's not."
We all start having a debate about the different types of juices as we skim through the menu. We're at an Italian place, which means a lot of greasy food. I decided to get a small side of pineapples.
Normally, they'd make me get something else because "that's not enough" but today, they can't tell me that. Why? Because Gracie's here. They're not gonna start discussing my disordered eating in front of her.
"I'll have these pineapples please," I say and point to the one I'm talking about on the menu.
"Is that all for you?" The waiter asks. I nod.
"You sure?" Taylor asks me.
"Yeah I'm sure," I say and hand the menu back to the waiter.
Once the food comes, everyone digs in. I mean, I'd dig into my food too if it weren't for my brain. We all just screamed and danced for three hours straight. Taylor was doing a whole workout up on that stage.
I take my sweet time on my pineapples though. I can't finish earlier than everyone else because then they'd tell me to order more. But I can't be the last to finish because then they're all gonna watch me eat and ask me if it's really enough or if I want something else because it seems like I'm not liking the food. I need to be the 2nd or 3rd one to finish.
"Do you know where you're going to college yet?" Selena asks me.
"No, not yet. I've narrowed it down to a few though." College has been stressing me out for the past few months. It's so expensive. And our family doesn't qualify for financial aid so I barely get any scholarship money.
"Where are you thinking?"
"NYU is still the top choice. But it's so expensive. I'm looking into Berkeley and Georgetown as well." I say. I got admitted to 13 universities. Waitlisted at 2. Rejected from 2. I'm pretty proud of myself. I got into all of my top choice schools. I never expected it to be so expensive though.
"What do you wanna study?" Selena asks me.
"I'm thinking social sciences for now. But we'll see." I tell her. I am a very indecisive person. I change my mind a lot. I might just explore different topics for the first two years of college because to be completely honest, I have no idea what I want to do.
"That sounds interesting," Selena says and takes a sip of her orange juice.
Gracie eats the last bite of her pizza. I put the last bite of my pineapple in my mouth. Perfect. 2nd to finish eating, just as planned. I put my fork down and keep talking so that they are less likely to notice my food.
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
"Sky, you need to eat something," Taylor says for the 6th time as we enter our hotel room. "Order something from the room service menu." She hands me the menu.
"Like I said the past five times, I already ate!" I raise my voice.
"It was a side item. That's not enough." She points to the menu.
"It was enough for me," I refuse to look at the menu.
"Sky, please. I'm really worried about you." She says. "It seems like you're losing weight more and more each day." Now this is actually true. I've been finding ways to either eat less or burn more calories. I'm surprised Taylor noticed it though. It feels like I'm losing weight so slowly. I can't see any change in my appearance unless I compare pictures from now and a few months back.
"Well I'm not. Maybe you're just tired and stressed. That can make people overthink and worry about things they shouldn't be worry about." Now obviously, this was something I made up on the spot. I actually don't know how close to the truth this is. But it sounds real, right?
"Please eat something right now. You barely ate anything for dinner and that's unhealthy." She taps the menu.
"Taylor, I'm done having this conversation with you. I'm gonna take a shower now." I say and stand up to walk over to my suitcase to pull out my pjs.
"You are not going anywhere until you eat something Skylar," Taylor grabs my wrist before I can get away from her. "Now I can choose something for you or you can choose something yourself." She nods over to the menu.
"Fine. I'll have the garden salad. Happy?" I slump back into the chair and toss the menu onto the table.
"Thank you," Taylor says and walks over to the phone. She orders the salad and comes back to the table that I'm sitting at. I put my head down on my arms that are resting on the table.
Not even 3 minutes later, we hear a knock on our door. The lady in charge of room service brought me my salad. Great. I keep my head down.
"Okay Sky, eat up," She places the plate in front of me. I take a peek at it. It's huge. I mean, it's a normal size but anything more than three bites look huge to me.
"I can't eat all of this. I just can't." I tell Taylor.
"How about you try and eat half of this?" She suggests and hands me the fork. I sigh and take the fork from her. "Do you want the dressing?" She holds up what I'm guessing is ranch dressing.
"No thanks," I say and poke a piece of lettuce. Taylor rubs my back in a comforting way as I bring my first bite of the salad to my mouth.
After many reassurances and comforting words from Taylor, I finally finish half of the salad that we agreed on. It took me half an hour. Not the fastest but it's taken longer in the past.
"I'm gonna go take a shower now," I say and start to get up.
"Woah, not so fast. You have to wait for at least 30 minutes." She says and holds on to my hand until I sit down.
"I really just wanna shower and sleep Tay," I groan. "I'm not gonna throw up. Like I said before, I hate throwing up. And I'm too tired right now anyways to do that." I tell her, hoping that she'd let me go. I genuinely have no intentions of purging tonight. I do feel the need to get my blade though.
Taylor thinks for a minute before giving me an answer. "Fine. But you have to keep the door unlocked. I'm not gonna just open the door whenever but if I hear you throwing up, I'm going in." She tells me.
"Okay, deal," I say. I stand up and grab everything I need to get ready for bed. I then head to the bathroom. I kept the door unlocked as I promised. I'm kinda scared that she's gonna come in while I'm self harming but I trust Taylor to keep her promise.
I turn on the shower and take my clothes off. I then take the blade out of one of my socks. That's my hiding spot. The green socks. I slowly take the blade and slide it across my skin. Blood starts flowing out, a view I'm used to by now. There's a lot of pain but I don't make any noise. Taylor's sitting right outside and she's going to come in if she hears anything out of the ordinary.
You ate too much today. You gained too much. You deserve this pain.
The bad side of my brain tells me. And I trust it. It has that effect on me.
After making quite a few cuts, I put the blade away in my green socks and step into the shower. The hot water and my fresh cuts make contact with each other. It burns but it feels nice. It's addicting.
I quickly wash my hair and my body and get out. I really want to go to sleep. I make sure that my cuts aren't bleeding anymore and put my pants on. I'm wearing long pants tonight so I don't have to worry about pulling the hem of my shorts down to cover the scars.
When I open the door, Taylor's sitting against the wall on her phone.
"Ready to sleep?" She asks me.
"So ready. I'm exhausted." We both walk over to our beds and get in.
"Good night Sky," She tells me as she turns the lamp off.
"Good night Tay," I say and turn my lamp off.
"I love you," She says.
"I love you more," I tell her and with that, I close my eyes.