Cavya's gloved hand played with the pommel of his rapier as he stood inside the tent illuminated only by the flickering flame from the oil lamp. The amber light bathing his gray and white fur almost made him some sort of a golden statue. I swallowed against the growing lump in my throat, knowing full well what I was about to hear.
"You broke protocol today," was all Cavya said without turning to me. His gaze on the single cot joined by a pile of stingers and mandibles he collected himself never wavered.
I clenched my jaw. "Someone from the eastern guild is in trouble," I reasoned. "Of course, I have to go and help."
Cavya whirled to me then, the butt of his rapier's sheathe hitting the topmost mandible with a faint click. "By putting the rest of us in danger?" he said. It wasn't a question, not that I planned to answer anyway. "I expected better judgment from you."
Yeah. It's my fault. I shouldn't have acted on impulse and followed the chain of command in reporting incidents before moving on my own. "I apologize, Cavya," I said as earnestly as I could. "It won't happen again."
The cat-headed langkoor hummed. Its translation was It'd better not. "That initiate..." he pondered aloud, talking about Seline as if I was in a different league from her. "What is your relationship with her?"
My spine turned rigid. I opened my mouth, my brain scrambling for an answer, but nothing appropriate seemed to come. What would I even say to the equivalent of my corporate boss? That I was having problems at home and that Hye-jin and I were once together and now we're not? Did they even have the concept of marriage here? Besides, if I told him...that's going to give rise to more questions and, consequently, more suspicions. I got to where I was through unorthodox means, so I wasn't sure how much more I should allow myself to stand out.
"I...Nothing more than an acquaintance, sir," I said, before wincing at having thrown in the honorific as if by habit.
If Cavya noticed my slip-up, he didn't give any indication. Instead he tilted his head to one side. "She's quite special, yes?" he said. "A crafting spiria who managed to fly below our noses until she used her magic today. Why do you think that is?"
I didn't even know what a crafting spiria was. All I cared about was Seline having an interesting set of special skills I wished to have chosen way back when we were starting out on Legends of Solarlume. "She is good at keeping secrets?" I quipped.
My humor flew by Cavya's eternally twitching ears. "I think not," he tapped a finger against his furry chin. "Her comrades are in on it. They hid her together. Do you recall what Heather said about her when we were talking about ranks?"
I rummaged around in my head, but the draining fight earlier occupied it to the full. "Uh..."
"They claimed she would sail past the Class rank if given time," Cavya did it for me. His cat-eyes narrowed with something I could only describe as intrigue. "It's strange, don't you think so? This particular scouting party interests me. But one thing stands in my way, keeping me from fully seeing their potential."
He paused, and I waited. That's all I had to do whenever bosses were going on with their monologue like a super villain. "Your apparent conflict with the crafting spiria," Cavya said. "It...confuses me. First, you break protocol for her sake, the next, you are out for each other's blood while spilling another creature's. Would you care to explain, or would I have to find out from the spiria, herself?"
A direct threat of dismissal should I fail to deliver. "I'm not sure if I can talk about it," I said. "I'm going to need more time. It's...complicated—one I'm sure I wouldn't even be able to explain fully, even to myself. So much..." I sighed, letting my shoulders slump with the weight I've been fighting since forever. "So much has happened between us."
Cavya blinked. Slowly. What did that mean? "Let's start with the 'now'," he said. "What do you think of her?"
I shrugged. "Despite our threats to each other, I don't wish her any harm," I said. "I just...don't want to be around her forever. I mean, I've got to move on too, right?"
"I won't be the judge of that, Kora. It's something you have to figure out on your own," Cavya said with a resigned but gentle tone. "As it was, I need you to promise to keep your end of the bargain when it comes to dealing with the Raventhorne scouts."
By that end, he meant skirting out of Seline's way for as long as I could. That was, if she was willing to keep hers too. I wouldn't know what I'd do should our paths cross again. Perhaps, I'd lose it, finally.
Cavya waved his gloved hand in the air when the silence between us thickened into an unbearable cloud. "If you have ruminated on your actions during your first mission, then you may go," he said.
I ducked my head and was just turning towards the drawn tent flap when he perked up once more. "And for the record," he said with a sly but still somehow genuine grin. "You did well for the most part. I've never seen someone gut so many jjangkai on their first encounter. Even Mirani is quite shocked."
Oh, so people just shrivel in fear the first time they see a netherbeast? Was Seline's reaction expected? Suddenly, I felt bad for goading her into picking up her sword and helping us wreak havoc. I clenched my jaw. Just...let it go. I didn't want another layer to add to my guilt.
"It's better to face things head-on than running from it," I turned to Cavya. "That's how I always lived my life. Today's not going to be any different."
Cavya hummed but said nothing more. I ducked my head in his direction again before trudging out of the tent. Tomorrow, everything in camp would be going to my inventory yet again. It's a miracle my HP was still recovering.
The rest of our mid-sized camp tumbled into view the moment I let the tent flap fall behind me. Nazran and Revery were in one spot, magic sparking at the ends of their fingertips as they crafted some kind of netherbeast. I hoped it wouldn't turn feral and eat us all for dinner.
The three dragon kins have grouped together and were arguing about the best way to decapitate a poor creature whose name I didn't catch. "No, no. I always go for the head first," Heather waved her clawed hand in the air. Unlike the other two, her almost-human face was flattened into an expression of pure glee. "That way, it won't flop around like a damned mermaid."
Which raised the question—do mermaids exist in Solarlume?
Opposite the dragonkin chaos was another one in the making. Ahrian cracked nuts using her beak before downing it whole. Beside her, Mirani chugged from a wooden mug which miraculously appeared when it was needed. Where did they even get the liquor? Don't tell me they packed it in secret? The nerve.
"Hey, Kora!" came Mirani's slurred speech. I turned to find Seline and Trink on the same table. "Come and join us!"
Cavya's veiled threat flashed at the back of my head. Had to keep my half of the bargain, right? Technically, it was Mirani who called me over. Seline just happened to be there. No harm in that, right? "Hey," I gave them a small wave stopped near the rim of their makeshift table. Did Seline craft that just now? "Where's Arzo?"
Seline sniffed, staring after some vague direction. Even in this world, not even one drink, a red band of flush already colored her cheeks and nose. "Went off on his own," she said, eyelids fluttering and body beginning to sway. "Said he had to attend to some guard duty or something."
Mirani finished her drink and reached for the amber bottle in the middle of the table. If she's going to smooth the whole bottle on her own, why bother pouring it on a separate mug? "He'll be back," she said. Through her words dragged and changed intonations at odd inflections, her eyes remained bright, making her look like she was still alert and conscious. "You know, that kid. Took Cavya's rank intimidation seriously. Think he's sparring with a tree in the forest."
I raised an eyebrow. "While on guard duty?"
Ahrian clicked her beak, the sound of a nut's shell break resounding down her throat. "Let the children be," she said. "Where are you off to, Kora?"
I glanced at the tent I shared with Valren. "Sleep?"
Trink burped and scoffed. "Come on, man," he said. "We just finished a damned huge mission. Let loose for a minute. Look at Seline. She got her ass whipped badly and she's still enjoying herself."
Knowing how bad her hangover would be tomorrow even though she drank very little the night before, she's not enjoying herself. "It's...I better rest," I said. "Today's draining."
"Besides, it's not just my ass that's whipped badly," Seline interjected, falling against Mirani's shoulders. "Kora got nailed into a wall like a fucking picture frame. Shoulda seen it, you guys. It's hilarious."
"At least I wasn't sitting on my ass before a larva," I retorted before I could decide to take it back. Oops. Cavya's threatening glare now occupied every space of my mind.
Seline huffed, pushing off Mirani before flopping back like a rebellious vegetable. "At least I wasn't sitting on my ass while the house crashed and burned," she said. "Fake flowers, really? Who gives fake flowers these days?"
I froze. She noticed that? Why would she? It's not like she cared about flowers like I did. And why was she throwing that out now? Was she that drunk?
"Oh, there's more!" Seline tapped the back of her hand against Mirani's arm. "That year, on my birthday...mind you, on my fucking birthday, do you know what he got me? A fucki—"
"Okay, that's enough," my hand clamped over Seline's mouth before she spilled her life story to people she'd regret spilling to tomorrow. "Let's go."
She squirmed, reminding me of all the times I had to drag her out of bars kicking and screaming about how much of a killjoy I was, blaming my mother, her mother, and about everyone else in her life. "How about you let go?" she said against my palm. To the others, it probably translated to mmow ammout mu met pho?
"Come on," I gently pulled her from the bench. Like a meek child, she started after my lead. Slowly, I led her towards the tent she shared with Heather. From the heated discussion the Crimson Scouts leader was having with Valren and Yaora, it'd be a while before she heads inside. The inside of Seline's tent was just the same as everyone else's. Two cots, satchels of personal belongings, and a single oil lamp. I muttered my excuse-me's as I dumped Seline into the cot nearest the tent's exit. It didn't matter whose it was. The other just had to adjust.
I looked around for some sort of blanket but found none. Sighing, I looked into my inventory and found something called cloth slotted inside. Withdrawing it, I realized it to be a spare tent canvas in case one tears. I threw the bundled up cloth into Seline's sleeping face. Let her figure it out if she gets bothered by the cold.
When I made it out of the tent, Mirani was the only one drinking on the makeshift table. "Where are the others?" I asked when I went over.
Mirani scooted to the side, taking over Seline's old spot to give me hers. "Off to bed," she said. "It's a long trek back to the outpost tomorrow. I will also be going soon."
I nodded. No one spoke for a beat, until Mirani broke the streak. "How did you know when to stop Seline?" she asked. "You seem to know the truth to what she's going to say, but don't want it to get out. You mentioned knowing her before all this."
"Let's just say we have a long history between us," I said. "Think of it as being the best of friends. We met at a...place for education and ended up starting something remarkable."
Mirani arched an eyebrow. "Which is?"
I shook my head. "I can't really explain it," I tapped a finger against the table's wooden surface. "We fought a lot, but we'd always make it up to each other at the end of the day....well, sometimes weeks."
A humorless chuckle escaped my lips. "Then, there was one disagreement we thought we'd sail past like all the other ones we went through," I said. The thoughts of that night, when we were both tired, miserable, and in need of something we couldn't give to each other, flashed at the back of my head like a series of photographs that just wouldn't burn. "Except we didn't."
I flashed a sad smile at Mirani. She didn't seem to be drinking from her mug anymore. "It still hurts, you know?" I said, careful of not letting my voice break. Something inside me said that if I let one crack slip through, I would end up crumbling, with no hope of putting myself back together again. "Going through all that...it scars one for life."
"I wonder which hurts the most," I continued when Mirani wasn't saying anything. "Losing someone and never seeing them again or losing someone but still being able to watch them every day, living a life you would never really know, becoming a person who would never be yours."
Mirani rolled her shoulders. "Losing people is still losing them," she said. "You're allowed to grieve both or whichever one applies to you."
I blew a breath. The forest around us seemed to grow quiet too. From the corner of my eye, I saw Arzo stride back to camp, his sword in hard. The kid's really at it, huh? "I just..." my fingers clenched the rim of the bench hard enough to turn my knuckles white. "I wanted to forget everything, but it just seems like I couldn't. Like I wouldn't ever."
"Then maybe you shouldn't," Mirani said, her voice matching the silent breeze rustling the canopies above us. "This remarkable thing you two shared, maybe it deserved to be remembered. Treasured, even. Loving someone is just like that, I find."
I turned to her, watching how her eyes softened at what she's alluding to. "Even if they're not here with us, if we loved them once, then that love deserves to live on," she slapped her forehead, disrupting the straight line of her fringe and making me flinch. "Ah, what am I spouting so late tonight? I must head in. Ahrian's a light sleeper. Should get there before she falls asleep."
She straightened and patted my shoulder. "Grieving is okay, Kora," she said. "But don't lose yourself to the anger and the hurt. Take it from someone who knows."
Before I could ask for elaboration, she strode off, eventually coming to stop in front of her tent and throwing the flap back. Within seconds, her blue-clad frame was swallowed by the tent canvas.
I craned my neck to the sky. Instead of the star-studded expanse, only the interlocking maze of leaves and branches greeted me. Love. The word pulsed at the front lines of my brain, looking for whatever hidden meaning it might contain. It was something we claimed to have found at the age we did, nurtured at the time we could afford to, and threw away at the moment we felt the real weight of.
Did Hye-jin feel that way then? How about now? She made it clear how much she hated me for the things I did and didn't do. I wasn't any different. And now....we're stuck in this loop of wishing for things to not have ended the way it did but at the same time being relieved that we're out of each other's lives.
I gazed out into the horizon, noting how intricately messy the forest during the night was. Just like my heart and my mind in roughly the same time frame. If this was love, if it was still love, then I would have no choice but to fear it. Love...it led to all sorts of trouble I would never want to go through the second time.
Losing people was still losing them. And if it involved the same person for months and years on end, where would that leave me eventually? How many more times would I give out pieces of my heart only to be left with a chipped puzzle still wanting to beat and to keep me alive? That's what kept the fear intact. I was afraid because it would hurt. Too much.
Despite whatever nonsense I spouted to Cavya, with this fear standing in front of me, threatening to devour me, leaving me grasping on straws and broken vows, I wouldn't stand and face it head on.
No. This time, to save myself and the remnants of what used to be me, I would run.
And I would never stop.