(Sunday, 21.05.2023)
*6 days till the wedding*
𝕊𝕚𝕞𝕠𝕟
Darkness.
Everything was black. What time? I don't know.
The last few days I didn't leave my room. I barely did anything else than sleep, eat and overthink.
Redoing the same routine everyday.
I couldn't get the picture out of my head.
Her arms around his neck and her lips pressed against his. Against the lips from the man I loved.
I didn't think that it would affect me still after all these years, but it does. Seeing that I'm not the one with him breaks me. It destroys me.
'Why did I had to fall in love with him back then? Why did I had to fall in love with the crown prince of Sweden?'
I could blame him for being so charming and caring, that would be the easiest way, but I know that it wasn't only his fault. It was my stupid heart and my pathetic mind to think, that it would work out in the end. Let's be real, nothing in life works the way we want it to. It always drags us down somehow. It's just like chess, you think you finally won by making a smart move, but then you see that you didn't pay attention to your own king.
It's crazy how you can get attached to one person and how you try to do everything to make them happy. You only start living for them.
I was laying in bed overthinking everything again.
'It wouldn't have worked out between us anyway. He was the King and I'm just a pawn. He got the high ground and I got nothing.'
With every minute I thought about it, the pain inside my chest kept growing. I didn't know what to do with so much pain inside me, so I did what I did best.. I wrote a song to distract myself.
I got my keyboard and started to move my fingers over the keys. It reminded me of the time me and Wille were in the music room, back when everything was okay.
Starting to hum a melody the lyrics started to tremble out of my mouth.
'It's 2 A.M. in my room
Headlights pass the window pane
I think of you
We're a crooked love
In a straight line down
Guess you wanna run and hide
But it makes us turn right back around
I wish you would come back
Wish I'd never hung up the phone like I did
I wish you knew that
I'd never forget you as long as I'd live
And I wish you were right here, right now
It's all good
I wish you would
2 A.M, here we are
See your face
Hear my voice in the dark
I wish we could go back
And remember what we were fighting for
Wish you knew that
I miss you too much to be mad anymore..'
I didn't notice that I started crying while singing but my tears started to drop down on my hands, stopping me to play along. I put the instrument away and curled myself up like a ball, my head in my knees.
I stayed like this for about an hour before I finally stopped. I don't remember when I last cried that much in a week but it was a while ago.
It is kinda scary how much power he still has over me. No matter what he does it always affects me in some way.
Not wanting to think about it anymore, I put on my headphones and clicked on my playlist.
'Oh I love it and I hate it at the same time..'
~ ♛ ♛ ♛ ♛ ~
𝕎𝕚𝕝𝕙𝕖𝕝𝕞
This morning I woke up with Sophia in my arms. She came over in the middle of the night asking if she could sleep here for tonight, because she was scared of the storm outside.
Of course I said yes. I didn't want her to be scared.
I had my arms wrapped around her and waited for her to fall asleep, which reminded me of one night when I slept over at Simon's.
There was a storm outside too and I comforted him just like I did Sophia now. It's crazy how everything I do still reminds me of him. I guess I will never get over him.
Sophia rolled over coming face to face with me.
"Good morning love." She smiled at me, her hair shining gold in the morning sun.
"Good morning." I blinked a few times because of the sun shining directly in my face.
I can't lie she was really pretty, but she still couldn't beat my Simme.
"Are you hungry?" My morning voice was deep and raspy.
"Mhm." She nodded. "I think I'm going to go get ready." Sophia said turning around to get out of bed.
"Okay!" I ran a hand through my hair sitting up.
She walked over to the door turning around once again. "See you at breakfast!" With that she walked out of the room.
I sat there for a bit, thinking about the fact that I'll get married in 6 days and wake up like this every morning from that day.
Isn't it crazy how fast time passes. I would have never expected to end up like this. If 7 years ago someone would have told me that I would end up marrying a girl instead of Simon, I would've thought they were insane.
A few minutes passed before I eventually got out of bed and got ready for today. When I came downstairs everyone was already waiting for me.
"Wilhelm, finally! As always the last one!" My mother said not even saying good morning.
"Good morning to you too!" I faked smiled sitting down next to Sophia as usual.
"I hope you slept well, there was quite of a storm tonight!" My dad stated. At least he cares about my well-being.
"Yes I did!" I nodded, taking a bite from my bagel.
Alfredo our cook outdid himself as always.
"I heard your speech!" My mom said with that look on her face that said that she wasn't satisfied. From that look I always knew that she is going to criticise me.
"You really need to work on speaking properly. You nearly stumbled at every word!" Her reproachful tone couldn't be overheard.
I just ignored it and answered as normal as possible. "I'm sorry mother. I'll try to do better next time."
She just nodded and turned her attention to the food on her plate.
For the next few minutes no one said a word. You could only hear eating noises hollowing through the dining room.
My father was the first to speak again. "I wonder what your plan is after your marriage? I-" he got cut off by my mother. "I suppose you are planning on having kids."
I choked on my drink staring at her with wide eyes. Sophia looked, just like me, shocked and didn't really know what to say. Even my father had a surprised look on his face, not expecting his wife to be so direct.
"Well we haven't talked about that yet." I put my drink down, turning to Sophia.
She looked nervous, yet calm.
"I guess we'll see where it takes us and wait for when the time is right. We don't want to rush anything. I think it will be already hard enough when Wilhelm is crowned King and I guess kids would be too stressful at that time." She gave my mom a quick smile before she locked eyes with me searching for any kind of reaction in them.
Wow, I was impressed. I never expected her to be this thoughtful and it made me think maybe we would work better than I thought.
After breakfast I pulled her aside questioning her why she said what she said. I knew that she wanted kids and I knew that if it would be up to her, she would have them as fast as possible, so why did she say that we should wait?
I asked her carefully choosing my words wisely so I wouldn't make a wrong impression.
Sophia was really understanding as to why I had this question mark above my head.
"Well.." she began to explain. "I know that at the moment everything is really stressful for you, I can see that, and I just think that it isn't a good timing now. I do want kids in the future, I'm not gonna lie, but I want them with you. I want that you're ready and not feel pressured by me, your mother, or anyone else. You should feel ready to be a father." When she finished I felt like I saw her in a complete different light.
"You would really wait for me even though it's one of your biggest wishes?" Sophia nodded.
"Of course I would! You are going to be my husband and I want you to be happy." I could tell from the look on her face that she was being serious.
"Thank you! And thank you for being so honest!"
I went up to hug her which she responded by slinging her arms around me.
"I would do anything for you!" She whispered resting her head on my shoulder.
Right now she was the only one who just wanted me to be happy, who was at my side, well it felt like it. She didn't expect anything from me nor did she complains about the things I do or mess up.
In that moment I realised that she truly loved me and it just made me feel guilty. Guilty that I didn't feel the same way about her, the girl who understood and respected me since day one. I felt awful for living that big lie and putting myself and her in a position, where we couldn't be completely honest to each other. Or at least I couldn't.
She deserved more.
Someone better.
Someone that loved her with his whole heart.
Someone that wasn't me.
♡♡♡♡♡
Sorry for this kinda short chapter, I hope you still liked it.
Anyways what do you think?
Also what are your thoughts on Sophia? (I would be really interested to hear what you think about her!)
If you have any ideas what should happen in the next days until the wedding, feel free to share them :)