The spring sun warmed Naomi's face as she stared at the cerulean sky streaked with wisps of cloud. The coarse fibres of the blanket tickled her bare arms. She had hoped she'd hear from Kieran after the party, but he hadn't sent a single text.
It wasn't that she wanted his friend's business, more that she didn't like how they'd left their conversation on Friday. She'd been drinking, and Greg had acted like a dick again. Not that her and Kieran's friendship had formed beyond a couple of close conversations, but she liked the guy. He was sweet, honest, and funny. Perhaps he preferred to avoid her after last weekend, and she didn't blame him.
"You seem down." Shivanna lay on the blanket next to Naomi. "Thinking about Greg?"
"No." Other than their disagreement at the party, she and Greg were solid.
"What's on your mind?"
Cleo's collar jingled as she explored the backyard, sniffing through the bushes along the fence.
"Kieran."
Shivanna propped herself on her elbow and said, "Oh?" with a rising, interested tone.
"He was at that party, and he and Greg got off on the wrong foot. I was hoping he'd message me, so I could apologize."
"Nomi, you don't have to apologize for Greg. That's his responsibility."
"Kieran's a good guy." Her heart sank at the idea of him being cast aside both in his work and personal life because he'd always made her feel seen and accepted.
"I have his brother's app on my phone. Jake seemed hands-on enough that he's probably the one who checks the support messages."
Jake's presence put Naomi at ease. After greeting them at the grocery store, he'd noticed and complimented Shivanna's pride pin. Plus, he'd talked to Kieran about asexuality, which made her think he identified somewhere in the 2SLGBTQ+ community or was a strong ally. He would help her contact Kieran if she asked, but that seemed invasive if Kieran could reach out and didn't.
"Are you nervous about tonight with Greg?"
"Definitely."
It had been a week since that party, and she'd invited him over to talk about her asexuality. She had waited until the weekend, so he'd be more relaxed and take it better.
Shivanna squeezed Naomi's hand. "It's easier to find out now than later."
Shivanna had endured college break-ups with women who'd decided being with another woman was a passing phase, so she understood the sting of rejection for something she had no control over.
Naomi would be more upfront with Greg than she had been with Luke, so she and Greg both wouldn't get filled with false hope. She had enough experience to know her comfortable limits.
Greg had to like her enough that it wouldn't be an insurmountable obstacle, right? He'd said slow was them, but asexuality wasn't the same as slow. More than anything, she longed to be the woman Greg needed and wanted, but some limits she couldn't push through, regardless of how much she loved someone.
"I'm here for you no matter what happens." Shivanna pulled Naomi into a cozy hug.
"Thanks, Shivanna. I owe you."
"Friends don't keep score."
Naomi smiled because it reminded her of Kieran's words last week. She didn't recall Greg saying anything similar. However, he'd supported her more times than she could count and never held that over her head.
They broke away from the embrace. "You got plans tonight?"
"Going out with Louisa." Shivanna drawled her name with a broad grin.
Naomi's stomach danced with excitement for her friend. "Is she the real estate agent?"
Shivanna shook her head and showed Naomi a photo of a curvy woman with a playful smile who looked like she was about to walk down a fashion runway. "The hairstylist studying to be a lawyer."
"Ooh, pretty and smart, nice."
Shivanna smiled at the phone. "Not all of us are unaffected by physical attractiveness."
"Many days, I wish I wasn't."
Shivanna took her hands. "Don't wish that. That's what they want, and they can screw off. Be exactly who you are, unapologetically."
Naomi leaned her head into her friend's warm shoulder. "Thanks, Shivanna."
"Anytime."
Later that evening, Shivanna and Naomi got ready for their dates in opposite ways. Shivanna styled her hair in gentle waves and picked out clothes that flattered her curves, while Naomi debated which of her comfortable outfits was the dressiest. She chose an almost fitted t-shirt from a concert she and Greg had seen together last summer and cozy capri-length leggings. She pulled her hair back into a messy bun before changing her mind and leaving it down.
Shivanna left for dinner before Greg arrived, so Naomi had some freak-out time where she fought her resolve not to have any alcohol to put her at ease. Booze pushed her outside her comfort zone and not always in a good way.
When the doorbell rang, Naomi had applied a third coat of deodorant and had changed into a fresher comfy top. "Hey," she said softly when Greg entered.
He wore a nice, blue button-up shirt and a pair of tan jeans. His bicycle helmet rested on his arm.
He looked her up and down. "Hey, are we staying in tonight?"
"Yeah, I thought we'd have that chat I wanted to have last weekend."
"Okay." He shut the door and surveyed the living room. "Just us here tonight?"
He glanced between Naomi and Cleo, who'd trotted to the front entryway and looked at him. After Greg gave the dog a quick pet, she huffed then meandered to her bed.
Naomi nodded and headed toward the couch. She'd put out a bowl of popcorn she had no appetite to consume. Sitting cross-legged kept Greg from coming too close to her. It was like her body was putting up extra defences, fearing he'd reject what she was about to confess.
Greg's brow furrowed. "You seem really nervous, Nomi. Are you okay?"
She nodded again and took a deep breath.
It's okay, Nomi. He'll understand. Just explain it to him. Not once in their friendship had he mentioned asexuality. She fidgeted with the bracelet on her wrist.
"Have you ever," when Naomi closed her eyes and cleared her throat, Greg held her hand in his, "heard of a-asexuality?"
His straight face and continued stare weren't a strong clue to his reaction. "I think so. Why?"
"Do you know much about it?"
He shook his head and kept his gaze on her.
"It's when a person doesn't experience any or very little sexual attraction towards others."
"Okay." His tone was flat, not judging, but not excited either.
He held her hand and stroked it with his soft fingers. It wasn't an outright denial or rejection, but his neutrality was concerning. But their relationship wouldn't work if she hid this.
She pictured that look of elation from the day they'd confessed their feelings, which calmed her nerves. "I'm asexual."
Greg quirked an eyebrow and chewed on his lip. "Are you sure?"
Naomi nodded quickly. "It's like you said. You could work out a ton, and I'd only notice your eyes?"
"I was joking."
Please don't dismiss this, she begged him with her gaze. "That's part of it. You'll always be Greg to me. Whether you're in the best or worst shape of your life doesn't change how attracted to you I am."
"You said no attraction."
"No sexual attraction, like when you see someone you think is hot and all you can focus on is seeing them naked or hooking up."
Greg's cheeks went red, and he released his hold on her hand. "Those aren't my only feelings."
"But you have experienced that, right?"
He nodded and studied her.
"I never have, not with anyone I've ever met."
His frown made her heart clench.
"Not even me?"
"That's what asexuality is like for me."
His glances became shorter as they alternated between the retro wood coffee table and her. "What about when we're together?"
"I enjoy it when you hold me and kiss me. It feels good until it doesn't."
The frown lines on his forehead deepened. "What does that mean?"
Naomi fidgeted with the hem of her t-shirt. "I can't control what my body will and won't be comfortable with. Some days, kissing is amazing, and others, it gives me unpleasant chills."
He tensed.
"It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us or my feelings for you. It's how I experience attraction."
Greg crossed his arms. "It would be hard not to take it personally."
An alarm sounded in her mind, warning her to jump into an escape pod, but she wouldn't abandon him and their relationship.
"That's why I'm telling you, so you understand. I'm attracted to you in other ways, like romantically, intellectually, and emotionally. I love being with you and imagine our life together five, ten years from now when you're a super successful business mogul and I'm running my dog-training company, and we walk hand in hand on the tropical beach you keep promising me."
Greg smiled, bringing her hope, but it faded as the expression vanished. "But you're not attracted to me?"
"I'm attracted to your supportive nature, to your ambition, to your sweet romantic side. I'm drawn to people, not their bodies or how they'd connect with me sexually."
"What does that mean for our.." He bit on his bottom lip like she was transforming from a prized doll into a nightmarish shrew.
Naomi ran her hands up and down her thighs. This had been Luke's deal breaker, and Greg had little colour left in his complexion.
You started this and have to see it through.
"Sex is..."
He watched her with wide eyes as her foot tapped against the hardwood floor like a woodpecker.
"I understand you have needs, and I..."
His shoulder slumped. "So no sex." He didn't even try to mask the disappointment in his voice.
"Not much. With Luke—"
Greg's lip curled. "I don't want to hear his name."
Naomi nodded with vigour as if it would dispel some of the pain swirling in her chest. "In the past, once every month or two was my comfort zone."
"If it's because it hurts, we could try different positions to make it easier for you. I can be very gentle." The softness in his voice left her close to tears. Greg wanted to fix this, but it wasn't a problem.
"Asexuality isn't about pain, although under the wrong conditions, that adds to it. It's an absence of sexual desire. The more I force it, the worse my attitude toward sex gets. And I understand it sucks. But I can't change who I am. It doesn't change that I really, really like you, Greg."
Her heart was damned near bursting to tell him she loved and had loved him for years.
"I feel the same, which is why this is so confusing. Nothing between us is turning out the way I imagined."
Kieran's words from the supermarket and a deep breath kept her head high.
Don't pretend you can change the impossible. No relationship, not even one with Greg, is worth that.
"If this isn't what you want, I'd rather know now than in a year, when it's more painful to walk away." Her shoulders shook as she held in her urge to burst into tears.
He pulled her into his arms, and she clung to him like a tornado would yank them apart.
She wished he could look into her heart and see that it beat for him. To read her thoughts over the last decade to understand how every hint of closeness between them infused her with life. He had to be the man who accepted her love was real, even if it looked different from his.
"I need some time to process this."
She trembled as tears slipped down her cheeks. Time had never been a friend to her. It only amplified the pain of her break-up with Luke. It would be the same with Greg.
Neither of them moved to release the other from their embrace, clinging to what their relationship was before this revelation instead of reality.
He pulled away first and stood up from the couch, squeezing her hand. Then he kissed her on the head. Today, it seemed like an action people did when putting down an animal. He met her tear-stained gaze.
"I want to give you a sincere answer. I promise this isn't a decision I'll make lightly. We'll figure this out. You mean the world to me in all those ways you described and more."
She did before she came out as asexual, but now she was a problem to solve. She knew how Greg's mind worked. He'd research every angle until he'd rule it out or find a solution. But asexuality wasn't a problem. It was her identity.
As he left the house, it sunk in that this was their funeral.
***
Do you think Naomi's intuition is right about Greg or that he'll surprise her?
Thanks for reading! We're approaching the end of Act 1 and not without its painful moments. Kieran will be up next to explain why Naomi hasn't heard from him.