I know that really, there's no reason to be jealous, and that I don't really have a right to be jealous even if there was one.
But I still can't fight the way my stomach turns when a nurse starts blatantly hitting on me in front of the entire group, or more specifically, in front of Rosé.
I don't really know what happens; one second I'm standing by the vending machine, debating whether to get a chocolate bar or a bag of chips—seriously, I swear the hospital only holds unhealthy crap so years later I can come back here with a heart attack, and really? Can't they serve something that isn't processed?—when I feel someone sidle up next to me and then there's an attractive nurse, leaning on the side, grinning at me in pale pink scrubs.
I blink at her for a few seconds, trying to figure out who the hell she is when it comes back and I vaguely remember her being the nurse who picked up my phone a few hours back. Though it seems she seems to remember me if the smirk on her face is anything to go by.
"Um, hi..." I begin, not really getting why she's staring at me or why she's here. Doesn't she have someones bedpan to clean out or something?
"Hi," she chirps back, folding her arms across her chest and tilting her head against the vending machine. "Is your cell okay?"
I push my brows together, keeping my face directed to the machine whilst my eyes flicker between the snacks and the nurse. "Oh, yeah," I breathe out, nodding. "It's fine." I suddenly remember how rude I was and twist my neck, glancing at her fully. "Sorry about how rude I was, by the way. I didn't say thank you, so... yeah, thank you."
The nurse beams at me. "That's okay," she replies, lowering her tone and scooting a little closer. "I'm Nurse Irene."
My eyes flit down to her badge, confirming that is her name and when I compare her picture to her in real life, I realize she's much more attractive than the photo. "I'm Lisa," I offer with a smile, not entirely sure why I'm giving her my name.
"Lisa," she repeats, almost like she's testing the name out on her tongue and after saying it again, she begins bobbing her head and bites down on her bottom lip, her eyes roaming over my face a little too slowly. "Suits you."
I hold back the remark about how pretty much everyone suits their name, and just nod, punching in the number of the packet of chips I want. I kind of want to go back to my seat. I feel like a piece of meat with her eyes trailing over me like this. Plus, I have a weird itch in the back of my mind and it feels strangely like a pair of bright brown eyes burning a hole into me, so I spare a quick glance over my shoulder to find Rosé staring at me, but as soon as I look at her, she clenches her jaw and diverts her gaze away, back to Tzuyu who I'm assuming she's talking to.
"Is your friend in C47?"
My eyes find the nurse again. "Excuse me?"
"The person you're here for, silly," she elaborates with a playful grin.
My eyes just dart around with uncertainty. "Uh, yeah," I finally get out after a long second, bending down to grab my packet of chips before I lean against the vending machine like she is, crossing one ankle over the other. "I guess so, I mean, she's the Korean-Canadian one who looks like she's with her brother when actually that's her boyfriend and the father of her child."
Irene lets out a bark of laughter, too loud for it to be genuine and it's only when she reaches forward, boldly stroking my forearm and the back of my hand, and I glance down to her fingers lingering on my skin, that I realize that she's hitting on me.
"You're so funny," she whispers and shifts forward, still holding on to me and stepping into my personal space. "And you've got a gorgeous smile," she adds, coyly, fluttering her lashes at me quite obviously.
I clear my throat, feeling more than awkward because not only is this chick hitting on me, but I just know Rosé's watching me and it's in front of the entire group which means they'll no doubt talk about this and bug me about why I'm not going to go out with this chick; therefore causing complications between me and Rosé.
"Thanks," I utter and spare another glance back at Rosé, finding her pointedly not staring at me; but I know she's desperately trying not to by the way her jaw's clenching and by how her fingers are clutching to the can of Coke in her hand just that little bit tighter. "But I should um... I should probably get back to my friends now," I suggest to the nurse, trying to convey that I don't want to be around her.
But she must read it the wrong way because she steps even closer, right into my personal bubble and leans into my ear, her breath warm against my lobe. "If you want to grab a coffee from the cafeteria, just ask for Irene at the nurses reception," she whispers and pulls back, giving me a wink before pushing off the vending machine and walking away, swaying her hips with purpose.
I stand still for a long moment, wondering what the hell just happened and why she was hitting on me when I was quite clearly giving her a 'back off' vibe, before I head back to the chairs and sit next to Rosé, turning to say something to her but noticing the way she turns in her chair, putting her back to me as she continues talking to Tzuyu.
I just slump further into my chair and let out a huff.
I swear this hospital is cursed or something because I don't know what the hell's going on. We were fine and now that we're here, there's all this bullshit jealousy and blank stares and no conversation; and I don't want that.
I just want her to talk to me.
***
An hour after the 'Irene incident,' as I like to call it, Rosé still hasn't talked to me.
I tried to make light conversation, and honestly I'm a little pissed off that she's pissed at me because I was the one that was supposed to be pissed at her. And yeah, sure, maybe that's a little confusing but it totally makes sense in my head.
But anyway, I don't know why she isn't talking to me because it's not like I got the nurse’s number or anything, and I was quite obviously giving her the cold shoulder when she tried to flirt with me. It's not like I'm going to go and get a coffee with her either; she may be hot but she's not Rosé.
I don't think Rosé knows that though, and she won't even give me the time to explain.
And I nearly get to asking her, but then she whispers something to Jisoo beside me and I try to catch her eye, but she doesn't even acknowledge me and walks off.
So I slump down, picking up my basically cold coffee and take a long sip, wincing as the liquid settles in my stomach, eying Jisoo. "Where's she going?" I ask, trying not to seem too interested.
Jisoo looks at me. "The cafeteria," she replies and I settle down a bit. At least Rosé isn't going off to find Grandpa. "She said she's hungry and wants something that isn't processed."
I feel the corners of my lips turning up. I totally thought that earlier. "Yeah, I know how she feels."
"Mmhmm," Jisoo hums in acknowledgment and begins picking at her nails, not wholly focused on the conversation. "What did the nurse want earlier?"
I tense a little, spinning my now empty coffee cup in hand. "She hit on me," I tell my friend and Jisoo snaps her head around, definitely more invested now. "Then asked me if I wanted to go for a coffee in the cafeteria."
"Did you say yes?"
I narrow my eyes at her. I was kind of expecting more of a reaction. "No," I shake my head, the word coming out as a squeak as I can't believe Jisoo asked me that. Though I suppose she's not exactly clued in about my feelings for Rosé, and the old me probably would've said yes to the nurse and would now be screwing her brain out in a closet somewhere. "She left before I could say anything."
"Oh," Jisoo jerks her head back, lifting a shoulder at the information and going back to picking at her nails. Clearly my life isn't that interesting. "Well, you're not the only one who seems to be getting hit on in the hospital."
I have no real reason to, but I tense and my heart picks up. I have a feeling I'm not going to like the answer to the question I'm going to ask. "What? Who's getting hit on?"
"Rosé," Jisoo replies, nonchalantly and something cold drops in my stomach. "Baekhyun asked her out again."
I swallow thickly, fighting back the sudden anger flaring across my skin and try to force myself not to react visibly because there's an urge burning through my legs to find Rosé, ask her why the hell she didn't tell me that he asked her out. She said that they were just talking and now she's pissed at me when clearly I have a valid fucking reason to be pissed at her. I feel like I'm about to explode, and I really want to show Baekhyun how great this hospital's care is by kicking the crap out of him and watching the nurses and doctors try to repair his face after I've fucked him up.
What an asshole. Hitting on my girl.
(There's a rational voice in the back of my mind telling me that actually, she's not my girl. But that's totally not the point.)
"Did she say yes?" I grit out, really not wanting to know the answer but at the same time desperately needing to. I know where I stand depending on the answer to this.
Jisoo doesn't even seem to notice the inner turmoil going on inside me and shrugs, her eyes still focused on her nails. "She didn't answer him, apparently," she replies with a shrug and then Jaehyun calls her name and she looks up, finding him waving her over from the vending machine. "Be right back," she murmurs, patting me on the knee and I nod curtly as she gets up.
The moment she's gone, I crumple the empty coffee cup in my hand and grind my teeth together.
Because all I can think is that sure, she didn't say yes.
But she didn't say no, either.
***
I've been at the hospital for six hours now, and according to Vernon who dragged himself out of Somi's room about ten minutes ago, Somi's only 5cm dilated and so she's got a while to go. He did say I could leave, but I know Somi and I know she wouldn't want anyone to leave; and surprisingly enough, even Jennie said that she wanted to stay here. Though I think that's a lot to do with the fact that there's a really hot male nurse going by the name of Jackson, apparently, who keeps flirting with her, but she's being tolerable so I'm not going to complain.
Anyway, I notice that Rosé still hasn't come back from the cafeteria and it's been exactly twenty-one minutes since she left, so I decide to go and find her because I need to know where she is—I feel all kinds of uncomfortable now when she's not in my eye-line because of fucking Baekhyun—and I need to know why she didn't say no to him when he asked her out.
I'm still a little angry, and the only reason I didn't go sooner was because I know I say stupid things when I'm pissed, it's my defense mechanism, so I've let myself calm down but I don't think I'm going to get any calmer unless I get a damn answer from her. So I flash Jisoo a half-smile and nod at Jaehyun, telling him I'm going to go and find Rosé and set off.
And I find her, staring through the weird glass thing that shows all the newborn babies. It's a little creepy I think, that just anyone can look at these babies, but I'm not exactly focused on that because she's standing there with her arms crossed, her hair now up in a high ponytail which means she's pissed, and her face is completely void of any expression. Great. She's still pissed at me.
I stand in the doorway about ten meters away from her, just watching for a few minutes as I process my mind and all I can think of now is how she didn't say no to him, and clearly she's having some thinking time for herself which only leads me to the conclusion that she's going to check with me to see if it's okay to go out with Baekhyun.
Which, obviously, spouts another burst of anger within me.
So I walk up to her slowly, my hands shoved in my jeans pockets and shoulders up by my ears, and it's not the smoothest of things to say, but I'm angry and so it just comes out.
"So I heard you're gonna go out with the douchebag doctor again."
Rosé's eyes slide to me in slits, her lips dropping open as I stare straight ahead into the room full of babies. "What?" She asks through a hiss.
I tense a little and swallow hard. I'm not used to Rosé being like this with me.
Still though, my defenses are up and I just find my mouth running before my mind can even really think about it. "I don't care if you are," I blurt, squaring my jaw and looking ahead, my brow hardening. "I just wanna know if I should start looking for someone else."
I know it was harsh. I know it's not true. I know I'm being a bitch—hell, I'm always a bitch—but that's just who I am. And I'm scared; I'm really fucking scared because I've fallen in love with someone who might not love me back, and if she's going to hurt me, then I want to get in there first and hurt her because then it'll lessen the blow. It's a really pathetic move, and I can tell by the way she flinches, chokes out a short breath, looks away and tightens her arms around her that it has hurt her.
And I immediately want to take it back. I immediately want to tell her I didn't mean it because I'm so fed up of fucking up things, I'm so fed up of pretending to not feel things I do, but she's already twisting her body to face me and staring at me with hard brown eyes and flared nostrils; and I know it's too late.
"Actually, Lisa," she starts, scrunching her brow and letting her eyes flick down to her feet before coming back up again, even browner and harder than before. "I was going to say no." My anger falters, expression drops and body deflates. "But if we're just about sex and I'm that easy to replace," she dips her head a little, breathing hard and heavy through her nostrils. "Then maybe you should go back the nurse as she was clearly up for it, and I'll go find Baekhyun and tell him I will go out with him," she says lowly, her voice cold.
Before I can even think to apologize, she's already storming away and disappearing behind two swing doors, and I'm just left there shocked, slapping a palm against my forehead.
I'm such a fucking idiot.
***
Ever since I was a little kid, I've somehow fucked important things in my life.
I lost my first friend in middle school because my friend began hanging out with the 'popular' crowd and I wasn't, so I was hurt and pissed off and thought that spreading a rumor that mh friend fancied one of the popular girls boyfriends was a good idea. My friend stopped speaking to me, the popular crowd disowned my friend and basically, no-one got anything out of that situation. Bottom line, I fucked up.
I also fucked up back in high school when I had my first girlfriend, who was also my best friend. I got scared and decided to fuck half the Cheerleading squad just because I was unsure about my feelings, and it turned out I had pretty strong feelings for her and ended up breaking my heart and her own when she found out. I haven't spoken to that girl in five years, and I don't have an residing feelings for her or anything, but if I could go back in time and not fuck up, I would. I hate myself for hurting someone that much on purpose.
Once again, I fucked up, and I've fucked up so many more times that I'd need at least two more people to help me count, but I'm just so fed up of being the fuck up. I hate it, in fact, and so as I watch Rosé walk away from me, I decide that I don't want to fuck up with her. She just means too goddamn much to me, and so without another seconds thought, I begin sprinting after her.
I catch her by the elbow and she spins around, her eyes full of tears, and in that instant, I hate myself a whole lot more, even though I thought it wasn't possible.
"Rosie," I pant but she yanks her arm out my grasp.
"What, Lisa?" She grits out, swallowing and sucking in her lips. I know she's about to cry and fuck, I hate that I'm causing that.
I want to just tell her, I want to just blurt out that I'm falling in love with her and put all this shit behind me, but the words are stuck in my throat and I just can't get them out. It feels like I'm under too much pressure, like there's an audience; as if the guy sitting on the gurney is listening in on our conversation, and so I spare a quick glance around, finding a store closet on the other side and without a second thought, I grab her arm, ignoring the way she tries to pull away from me and tug both of us inside, shutting the door behind us.
"Are you really gonna go out with him?" My voice breaks as I ask, my face betraying the strength I'm trying to show.
Rosé just stares, her eyes hard, but still glossy and I hate that when she answers me, her voice is so small, so hurt. "Maybe I am. How is it any of your business?" She inquiries, a challenge in her voice, along with a hell of a lot of annoyance and a tad curiosity. "You don't care who I date or not."
My jaw clenches, nostrils flare and I turn around, one hand going to my hip and the other coming up to my forehead as I pace the small space in closet. "You know I do," I grit out, spinning back around. "You know I care," I add through a whisper, suddenly feeling like I'm revealing a lot more than what I'm saying.
Rosé just snorts lightly, shaking her head, her eyes drifting off. "You have a really funny way of showing it, Lalisa."
I know she's really pissed because she used my full name, and the only times she does that is when I'm tapping that spot I know makes her come hard or when she's really angry and well, we two clearly aren't having sex right now and so it's obviously the latter. But God, I'd totally prefer that it was the second option than this situation right now. I don't want to argue with her. I just want us to be okay and to leave all the crap behind us.
"That's not fair," I whine, because she knows I have a hard time showing how I feel. I've always been like it.
"And you think fucking me whenever you please is fair to me?" She spits, the words coming out like rapid fire and I jerk my head back, eyes growing wide and breath hitching in my throat because out of all the responses I'd come up with in my head, that was decidedly not one of them.
I narrow my eyes, my stare turning into a glare and I really can't believe she said that. "You said you wanted to be friends with benefits," I retort, taking a step toward her as I jab a finger in her direction. "You agreed that's what we were," I pant heavily to pause my sentence and drop my hand. "So don't make me look like a bad person by saying that I'm just using you like a fucking sex toy, Rosé. Don't you fucking dare."
Rosé's face stretches out completely before shifting into an infuriated expression. She shakes her head and scoffs before lowering her eyes to mine again. "Actually, if you remember correctly, I pointed out that friends that sleep together are usually friends with benefits," she grinds out the words, her vision darting between both of my eyes. "You suggested that we become that."
"I suggested that?" I repeat, choking out the words. She nods once, hard, and now it's my turn to scoff as I turn around, shaking my head and blowing out my cheeks as I take in a deep breath. She can't actually be saying this. I laugh mirthlessly to myself, looking down at the ground and pinch the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger before I spin around, meeting her eye once more. "Rosie, I asked if we were that."
"No, I asked if you wanted to be that," she corrects, her eyes glossing over again. Now I'm not sure if she's pissed at me or upset. Either way, I still fucking hate myself. "And you said yes."
***
"So that's what we are?" I asked, lifting my eyebrow. "We're friends with benefits?"
Rosé wet her lips and sat back in her chair, hands dropping from the table to land on her lap. "Is that what you wanna be?"
I felt my insides turn at her question, my breath caught in my throat. I didn't want to be the one to get the feelings because I was the one that rejected her first. I didn't want to suddenly feel something for her and let her know if I ever did, if she was only going to turn the situation on its head and do the same thing as I did to her; and reject me.
"I mean... yeah, I guess," I replied with a shrug. "If that's cool with you then that's cool with me."
There was a lack of reaction for precisely three seconds before Rosé's face was splitting into a smile and she was nodding in agreement. "Great," she said and I wished I could read her mind at that moment. "Okay, well, now that's sorted, can we get back to work? I wanna go home."
***
My automatic reaction is to argue with her, to tell her that I didn't mean that, even though I may have said it, but she's looking at me like she wouldn't believe anyway and my mouth clamps shut.
I'm such an idiot.
The only reason I ever said that was because I was unsure of how I felt and I didn't want to be rejected. Which is ridiculous now because as I look back, I realize that I was falling for her the entire time. If I'd just suggested that we became more back then we wouldn't be in this situation now. And I know that's stupid because I was never going to say anything back then; not when I was scared and unsure of how Rosé felt. Because as big and confident I may act, inside, I'm just a scared little girl, afraid that someone might finally break down my walls and love me.
But I can't admit that.
That's not the way to tell someone I'm in love with them and so I hold my tongue, swallowing the words I so desperately want to say.
And as I watch Rosé's expression change as she notices me realizing I'm wrong, I also realize that she hasn't given me an answer of whether she's going to go out with Baekhyun; and the lack of answer is just killing me.
Which is why I spit out, "So you're gonna date Dr. Grandpa are you?" instead of apologizing and declaring my love, glaring at her as she leans against the shelves filled with sterilized and packeted medical equipment.
Her eyes flash with disappointment and I swallow thickly, but she doesn't walk out on me like I expect, which really, later, I'll realize would've been a better idea because I'm being a total bitch at the moment, and instead she breathes in deeply and cocks her head to the side. "I don't see why I shouldn't," she says, her eyes darting between of mine and the muscle in her jaw defining itself. "You're probably going to go off with Nurse Gagging-For-It," she pushes off the door, and comes toward me, stopping directly in front of me and staring at me, suddenly seeming a foot taller rather than a couple of centimeters. "And it's not like you have feelings for me, is it?"
My entire body tenses as she asks, and I gaze into her eyes, realizing that she's challenging me. Both of us know it, and I swallow, a massive throat forming in my throat when I realize that this would be an opportune moment to voice everything. To just tell her and get it out in the open; but I feel like I'm stuck. I feel like everything I've ever thought about saying to her, all those speeches I came up with to tell her how I feel, have just vanished from my mind, and so I just stare at her, my expression pained and my mouth open, throat quickly drying and I don't say a single thing.
And apparently I wait too long, I stay quiet for too long, because Rosé sucks in her lips, her eyes drop from mine and she takes a large step back, shaking her head down at herself like she's disappointed in me and thinks foolish of herself for challenging me. And I want to tell her she's not foolish, I want to tell her that I'm falling in love with her, or have fallen in love with her, but I've never been good at talking about feelings and I'm terrified. I feel like frozen, routed in this place, so all I do is watch her as she laughs dryly to herself and ducks her chin to her chest, trying to hide the tears I know are threatening to fall.
"Exactly," she breathes out finally, breaking the dead silence between us and after closing her eyes and wiping the corners of her eyes, Rosé lifts her head and meets my eye again, the light that I fell in love with all those months ago, gone from behind her own eyes. "So if you excuse me, I'm going to go and tell Baekhyun I'll go out with him and you can go and find that nurse," she tells me flat-out, sharply spinning on her foot and pushing open the door, disappearing out of it.
It's only when I hear the lock click into place that I realize she's just gone, left, just like that and that things are never going to be the same.
So I suck in a deep, shaky breath, ignoring the way heat's pricking at my eyelids and the way my heart feels like it's about to fall out of me because I've just fucked up with the one person I really care about, and wipe at my eyes before I push open the door and back out into the hallway.
Except when I step out, I freeze; my lungs stop functioning, my eyes go wide and my mouth drops open as I listen to the rush of blood pounding inside my ears because I'm not alone.
Because over on the other side of the hallway, casually leaning against the wall with her foot planted on it, her head cocked and eyebrow lifted, hazel eyes staring right at me, is Jisoo.
And just like that, I know I've been caught.