Kabanata 17
Compunction
Hindi na ako nakabalik sa pagtulog nang bumalik ako sa kwarto, kaya nagpasya akong bumaba na lang ng building para doon sa gym room uubusin ang natitirang oras bago tuluyang mag-umaga.
Wearing my sports attire, I did my usual stuff when I got in there. I was all alone inside dahil napakaaga pa naman, and the room was still in its deemed light. I didn't bother myself turning on the other lights for the better lightning of the surrounding, kasi ako lang naman ang nandito pa.
I positioned myself in front of the punching bag. Pinilig ko muna pakaliwa’t kanan ang leeg ko and stretches a little before I put my gloves on and started to punch. The punching bag's chain makes a loud thud as I punch it so hard. I punch and kick it, never minding the sweat that starts to run all over my body.
The more the memory flashes in my mind, the harder I punch and kick. I'm sweating bullets, but I'm not minding it. In fact, it feels like it fuels me.
'Yes, Carae, you are not my daughter!' Caroline’s voice echoed in my head.
‘You are your father’s bastard!’
'Your bastard is pushing me to my limit, Cem!'
'Yeter, Caroline! Yeter!' my father's voice in my head.
‘Whatever you do, I will never love you the way I loved Raia and Cassimer! You are hard-headed!’ another heated scene between my known mother and me when I was trying to explain her what I want and what I don't. And those words will always be her rebuttal. Alam na alam niya kung saan at kailan ako pupunteryahin ng mga salita niya. Alam niya kung kailan ako patatahimikin ng mga rebuttal niya.
"Ahhh! Damn you!" Sunod-sunod ang pagpapa-ulan ko nang suntok sa punching bag. I punched hard and shouted when it played on my mind again. Even with the chain's noise, I can still clearly hear it. Maybe because it's not in my surroundings, but it's inside my mind. Kaya kahit gaano pa kalakas ang ingay sa paligid na nililikha ko, nananatiling malinaw ang mga salitang iyon sa isip ko, tagos hanggang buto ang inis at galit ni Caroline sa akin—ng kinikilala kong ina.
“You will pay for this!” I shouted once more. “All. Of. You!”
Naghabol ako ng hininga nang bahagya na akong kumalma. Tinukod ko ang noo ko sa punching bag, habang hawak-hawak ko ito para hindi ito gumalaw at ipinikit ang mga mata.
I hate this. I need to clear my mind.
Akala ko hindi ko didibdibin ang mga nalaman ko, since I was so used of being ignored. But today is the proof that I was wrong—na akala ko lang na kaya kong balewalain ang mga masasakit na salitang ibinato ng nakilala kong ina sa akin. I thought I am strong enough to stand in front of all the problems and hate that she’d thrown to me... but clearly I was wrong.
I was still craving for her love despite all the hate she spit out to me. Pinapatunayan niya lagi na kulang at uhaw na uhaw ako sa pagmamahal ng isang ina, na kung kaya kung magmakaawa sa kanya ay gagawin ko. Mabuti na lang at matibay ang pride ko.
I once did pleaded for her love, but I won’t do it twice. Once is enough for me, twice is too much... and pleading thrice is a poison. It’s not only applicable for lovers, it also was applicable to me... to my parents.
I spent my remaining time on the treadmill, trying to clear my mind, before I decided to go back to my room to prepare myself for flight.
I was wearing our pilot uniform when I got inside my car. My black Lamborghini was parked besides Arshed's shining red and black Ford Mustang.
I tilted my head and checked my wrist watch. It's already eight in the morning; I just wonder what took Arshed so long to get down and go to the QIA building.
Nagkibit na lang ako ng balikat at inayos ang seatbelt. I pulled a gear and looked behind me for the safety exit, only to make my heart stop beating for a second.
Arshed is walking towards his car, pulling his luggage. Just like when I saw him this late night, he looks effortlessly hot in his white long sleeve button-down shirt that's folded up to his elbows, loosened tie, black slacks, and disheveled hair. Hindi pa nito sinusuot ang coat, katulad ng sa akin.
Nang makita akong nandoon pa ay agad akong kinawayan ni Arshed at nagmadaling lumapit sa sasakyan.
"Günaydın, Kaptan," agad na bati nito sa akin, just like how he always greeted me.
"Günaydın. Hurry up; we need to reach full speed. I haven't eaten my breakfast yet. Wanna come with me?" Sunod-sunod na saad ko kaya napailing ito at ngumisi.
"Wanna race?" He moved his eyebrows up and down and winked at me.
I smirked and started my engine.
"Don't underestimate me, Officer Salvaleon; I am not just a pilot, you know that." I laughed and winked at him back. Nakita ko pa ang bahagyang pag-awang ng mga labi ni Arshed kaya mas lalong lumapad ang ngisi ko.
Agad pumasok si Arshed sa sariling sasakyan pero nauna ko nang pinaharurot ang sasakyan ko palayo. Natatawa ko itong tiningnan sa side mirror when he blinks his lights twice. Mas lalo kung pinaharurot ang sasakyan at agad namang humabol si Arshed, kaya hindi na kami inabot ng 30 minutes nang marating namin ang parking lot ng QIA building.
Pagbaba ko ng sasakyan ay nakita ko nang naghihintay na si Devon sa amin sa usual spot nito kapag nauunang dumating. May malaking ngisi ito sa labi. Kaya nang nag-park ang sasakyan ni Arshed katabi ng sa akin ay nagkibit lang ako ng balikat.
"You're having a race again. And I bet you tricked Officer Salvaleon once again." I laughed at Devon. I heard Arshed's car sound lock, kaya nilingon ko ito.
"You're going to pay for our meals today, Officer Salvaleon, you lose again," natatawang saad ni Devon kaya napailing ako.
Wala iyon sa usapan namin ni Arshed, pero dahil sinabi ni Devon, alam kong hindi rin ito hihindi.
"I was tricked." Arshed's voice echoed inside the parking lot.
Tinawanan ko si Arshed dahil sa reklamo nito. He just pursed his lips and showed his dimples kaya narinig ko ang pag-uungot ni Devon.
"Ang aga-aga pa, Officer Salvaleon, huwag ka ngang magpapa-cute ng ganyan!" Devon complained, kaya mas lalo akong natawa. "At Captain, paki-ayos nga ng necktie nitong co-pilot mo. Nakakagigil tingnan. Nasobrahan sa pogi at hotness. Ang sarap kagatin!" reklamo ulit ni Devon kaya ako naman ang napanguso.
"Bakit ako? Nanay ba ako niyan?" reklamo ko.
Arshed stood beside me and pursed his lips even more. Umirap ako at humarap kay Arshed na nangingising nakatingin na sa akin.
I held his necktie and pulled him closer to me kaya tumili si Devon. Arshed bumped into my chest because of my sudden move; that's why the shock was evident on his face. I bet he didn't expect that I will do what Devon said.
I fixed his necktie and his collar wing without second thought. I saw how Arshed's adams apple move, swallowing hard, feeling tensed.
I smirked because of the thoughts inside my head. Akala siguro nitong si Arshed siya lang ang marunong manglandi, ah.
I tapped Arshed's shoulder pagkatapos kong ayusin ang collar at necktie niya, at nagkibit ako ng balikat kay Devon na parang walang nangyari.
I heard Arshed sigh.
"You biatch!" Devon exclaimed when she fully recovered for what I did.
"You say that like I'm doing a bad thing," inosenting saad ko at sinipat si Arshed na seryoso pa rin ang hitsura.
"Oh, shit! This isn't good," Arshed murmured problematically, kaya napahagikhik si Devon.
Sinamaan ng tingin ni Arshed si Devon na agad nag-peace sign. Napailing na lang ako at naunang naglakad patungo sa restaurant.
“Kıçınızı kaldırın, şimdiden acıktım,” (Get your ass up, I'm hungry already,) saad ko at kinawayan sila habang nakatalikod.
Habang kumakain, panay ang sipat ni Arshed sa gawi ko na agad namang napapansin ni Devon kaya tumatawa ito ng mag-isa.
Tangina talaga nitong babaeng 'to. Kasalanan niya kaya ko ginawa iyon kanina. Tsk!
Nang matapos kaming kumain ay dumiretso na agad kami sa alley. Umakyat na si Arshed at Devon, samantalang kinausap muna ako ni Captain Hayes at kinumusta kaya ako nahuli sa pag-akyat.
"Dikkatli ol, Captain." (Take care, Captain.)
“Tamam. Teşekkürler, Kaptan!” (Okay. Thanks, Captain!) I waved back at Captain Hayes before I went inside the plane.
Naabotan ko si Arshed sa flight deck, nakabusangot, kaya nginisihan ko ito bago naupo sa right cockpit.
Tumunog ang cellphone ko kaya kinuha ko ito mula sa bulsa at nakitang si Jardine ang tumatawag.
"Hello, Jardine," agad na sagot ko.
"Hey, pretty! How are you?" rinig ko ang saya sa boses ni Jardine kaya bahagya akong nakaramdam ng lungkot.
"I'm doing fine."
"Are you on board already?"
"Uhuh... we got an early flight to Türkeyi." Tumango ako kahit na hindi naman ako nakikita ni Jardine. Sinipat ko si Arshed na inaaliw ang sarili sa monitor sa harap. "Are you just back from your mission? I haven't heard you for weeks," dagdag ko.
"Yeah... just got back from work—"
"Captain, the last passenger is on board," tawag-pansin ni Arshed sa akin kaya ko ito nilingon at tinangohan.
“Your off to flight na?” rinig ko ang bahagyang pagbuntonghininga ni Jardine mula sa kabilang linya.
"Yeah. The last passenger was on board. We need to go, Dean; I'll call you back when we get to Türkeyi," paalam ko bago pinatay ang tawag.
We do the usual announcements bago kami nag-takeoff. Kaya noong nasa himpapawid na kami, tsaka ko lang na realize na hindi pala ako nakapag-paalam ng maayos kay Jardine. Now, I feel compunction because of it. Minsan na lang nakakatawag si Jardine at hindi pa iyon matagal. Kaya ngayon na hindi ako nakapagpaalam ng maayos, I feel such a compunction about how I ended the call.
Am I that out of my mind to do that to Arshed? Minsan na nga lang itong tumawag, hindi ko man lang nakausap ng maayos.
Buong oras ng biyahe ay iyon ang iniisip ko. Feeling ko, ganoon ako kasanay sa relasyon naming laging panandalian lang ang pag-uusap kaya parang balewala na lang sa akin ang ganoon.
Or maybe I am too occupied to even realize such things.