And she was.
There was joy jumping in my heart aggressively when I woke up facing the girl as her body was facing me as well. We might as well have not broken up, people might say but I want to make sure this was true and she won't go running when she wants to again. So right now I'm savoring the way her bare face was illuminated by the morning sun, how her lips controlled by the devil are tempting me into kissing them, tasting them as the muscles dominate my own and every other part of my body. Her chest was heaving up and down, clearly visible from the tank top she was wearing, my tank top.
I was so amazed by how beautiful she was that a smile was drawn on my face, her eyes opening slowly as she went into a long stretch, her body elongated and made the bed seem short in her presence. To me, this bed looked like I was lying on a tennis court.
"How long have you been staring at me?" Her prideful cocky way of wanting to know how long I've been awake.
"Not long, 5 minutes."
Her body returned to its original position except she had her hands under her head, staring at me with the same admiration I had in my eyes. "Your lips tempt me in the worst ways," I revealed not knowing what took over me.
"I can say the same. Would you let me kiss you?" Her hand was already making its way toward my face and eventually her hand cupped my cheek, I couldn't say no.
"Depends who's asking, Roseanne or Rosanno?"
"Rosanno?" She stretched the vowel into a correct answer.
"Then yes you can." Without warning she leaned in and took my lips into hers, a desperate aching kiss reigning over us. What I didn't expect though was the way she shifted on top of me and let her hands all over my body, under my sleeping shirt, tugging the hem of my shorts and without her notice, my panties too.
I've never craved anyone so badly and I was fighting with myself on if I wanted to keep this going or be an adult and tell her that we shouldn't be doing it but I couldn't give it up. Her sweet mouth, her fingers marking me and touching me already knowing where they drive me crazy... it's too much. Plus, people have sex on the first dates, right? Or for us more like after.
This should be like a quick relief with no strings attached or maybe one string attached type thing. Allowing her to dominate me like this except, it was my turn. I wanted to give her all of me, take all of her and taint her, ruin her for if there's a next person. I wanted her selfishly to be mine and mine only, make sure she doesn't run away from me. We might as well not have broken up, right?
"Is this the right thing? For starting over?" She asked in between breaths while her head rested on mine. And I knew the answer to that, I just didn't want to say it. Apparently, though no answer was the same thing. "I want this to go right, I don't want to mess things up y/n maybe I shouldn't have slept here after all. I should stay at mine until... if we get back together."
If you still want me.
I know she wanted to say that and it hurt me that she thought that. I want her so bad, so damn bad but I just wanna make sure she wants me just as much. Something a one-night date and kiss can't prove because she did all of that last time and still left.
"You're leaving?" Leaving. She's leaving again. But she was right, I just didn't want her to leave. Not anymore.
"I'm not running away, I'll come back I just want this to feel like we're really starting over. I want to prove myself and not rush things." Right, leaving and running away. It's not the same thing?
"Ok." Was all I could say sitting up on my bed as I watched the girl scramble for her clothes and bring them to her suitcase. I did my best to look like I was not freaking out and hurting from the decision, I hated when she abruptly left but I guess I should do better myself because she told me the reason, I know the reason and she's right. She's right but I would prefer to defy my own rules and spend time with her all day. We're adults though, with lives and things to do. She can't be by my side forever, she's an adult. She was my date, a tall blonde with gorgeous eyes and lips sweeter than Southern iced tea.
I handed her a smile back as she gave me one waving and descending the hall and down the stairs. Leaving and fuck does it still hurt.
——
I was firing myself but I told myself that if I was ready for sex some walking around wouldn't be an issue, except the walking revolves around me checking every window and door to make sure that it was locked. The main door was first, the side second, patio third, and windows last. I went up the stairs and checked to make sure every window was locked and me tugging up with no budging happening confirmed that they indeed were.
But were they really locked?
Down again to the main door, side door, windows, and more windows. I went around 4 times until I heard a sudden noise.
Desperately, I threw my arm back to reach my back pocket and had the urge to text Roseanne wanting to know if it was her.
No, it couldn't be she left. I don't need to worry her, and I need to be more independent.
My heart was raising dramatically and I felt his hands on my throat again, taking away all of the air the precious earth could give me until I could no longer breathe and be buried within the earth, becoming one.
I hid in my closet and turned my phone to view the cameras but saw nothing.
It's all in my head, I'm imagining it, I'm ok. It's ok.
I thought I convinced myself but I couldn't stand and I was stuck to the corner of my closet. My closet is safe, right? I'm safe here. No man, no creepy shadows no fear. I looked around before a buzz from my phone was heard startling me into an almost heart attack.
"How are you doing? - Rosanno." And it's like she knew. I mean I did give her my security log-in again and she could've seen me lap around the house rubbing on windows and twisting door knobs but she was certainly a busy woman who wouldn't spend all day staring at her phone watching me all day.
I drew my knees closer to my chest, resting my chin on the peak of my legs, "Fine. You?" I was fine after all, even if it was in the privacy of the corner of my closet.
"Great too, just checking up on you. I don't see that you're home so I figured you were out and wanted to make sure you were ok." Should I lie or communicate? Communicate and worry her? Losing my sense of independence that I was so proud of?
For most of my life, that's what I felt most proud of, I didn't need anyone and I felt on top of the world. Single, independent hard working Michelin stared chef who was deaf and proudly out of the closet. Well, ironic isn't it? I guess I lost more than just my independence.
"Yeah good, doing good thanks for checking up on me." I went back to the camera screen, clicking through every room and making laps like my lock routine.
Oh god did I lock the guest room window?
——
"Y/n?!" I heard a voice scream and thank god I had my processors on to confirm that it was Roseanne and not a masculine voice.
I looked around, my body including my neck was sore. I had fallen asleep in the same position, in my closet.
It was difficult to get up considering that I was already somewhat sore. I used surfaces around me to help push my body up and I was successful. I had to stay still though for a second because I had a sudden flash of dizziness and I was scared my legs would turn to pins and needles every time I tried to take a step.
I opened the door of my closet slightly to reveal a worried Roseanne pacing around my room with her phone against her ear. When she finally saw me her phone went down to her side before she threw it on my bed.
"God I was so worried! I didn't see you on the cameras all day and I got worried."
I slapped my face trying to wake myself up completely because my vision was blurry, not the alarming blurry it was just the way that every light in this damn room was on and it was a dramatic shift considering that I was holed up in a small very dark room. So dark my brain couldn't make out demons or creepy images from the silhouettes of other objects. "What time is it?"
"8– what were you doing in the closet?" Her coat was still on her hand stuck to her hips. She seemed agitated.
I took steps towards my bed, "I fell asleep." And told her the truth. I did fall asleep for a very long time apparently but I didn't mind because it's not like I had anything going on today.
"Why were you in there in the first place?"
"Why so many questions?" I lay flat on the much more comfortable surface, my body and bones sinking into the bed as I relaxed every muscle. This bed was expensive but so worth it, it feels like a dream to be in it.
My stomach growled embarrassingly loud, that was one thing I didn't miss about the processor because I did not know stomachs made sounds, I thought it was just a feeling. "How long have you been in there?"
Still so many questions and interrogating was not the thing to do when I had just woken up, "I don't know."
Now that was a lie but I couldn't expose myself and tell her I e been there since she sent the text.
"Y/n... were you there when I messaged you? Well, when you were answering." Oh crap, she spammed me while I was asleep, and now my phone is in the closet. Suspicious looking I am, aren't I?
But I didn't give her the satisfaction of an answer because my stomach growled again inducing an annoyed groan and embarrassed blush which I had to cover with my face.
"If you want to eat I brought over some food... I came because I wanted to let you know that our first therapist appointment is next week." She finished speaking and descended the stairs, probably leaving. Again.
Instead, when I went downstairs she was setting up the table and placing the food onto a plate. Chinese take out to be exact.
I felt like a child all over again, when I'd throw tantrums at my mom because I didn't want to eat and it took a belt on my dad's chair as a threat to get me to sit down at the table and eat. My mom would put food on my plate, lots of it too since she knew I was stubborn and would only get a little bit.
"You don't have to take care of me you know." I sat down on the island stool.
Roseanne grabbed metal chopsticks from my drawer, "It feels like I do, who knows if you would've eaten if I didn't come."
"I'm not a child Roseanne, I can cook and really damn well." I almost shoved my food away the same way I did back then not wanting to eat certain foods or not eat at all. But I wasn't a child anymore and I couldn't be upset when she was just looking out for me. I should be grateful instead.
"I know you do... I didn't mean it like that. Let's just eat please."
"Sorry I didn't mean to get upset it's just been a weird day." But it wasn't an excuse to be rude, nothing should be an excuse because we were both adults with the ability to communicate. No more tantrums, getting upset, and closing doors.
Roseanne stood up and grabbed my handy Britta from the fridge, pouring water into her clear glass that I hand wash and dry until they look brand new. If it's one thing I don't put in the dishwasher is clear glass and silverware. I'm a clean freak and if I see any type of spot on glass or silverware I will freak out, lose my appetite and get to washing and hand drying until the day runs late. "I requested a doctor who knew sign, the thought of having an interpreter doesn't give me the whole patient confidentiality vibe. We don't need an extra person there."
"Do you know their name?" I asked the blonde.
She pats her lips clean, "No, I don't know anything about our therapist. We'll both meet them then." I nodded understandingly.
Dinner was quiet for the rest of the time and it felt awkward all over again. Sleeping on the edge of my side is kind of awkward.
She slipped her coat on and I almost physically reached out to her but had enough self-control to stop myself and watched the girl leave out of my door. Right soon after I regretted not reaching out or asking her to stay but I needed to work on this issue before our therapist could step in. I just didn't know how to do it because I didn't know why I developed this sudden dependency, craving, and aching for the girl to be around even if we weren't touching or looking at each other.
And then I started again. Main door, side door, patio door, downstair windows, upstairs windows. Again. Again. Again.
——
I expected to go out to therapy like a normal human in a building or office— even if it was the office of her home. Instead, she was in my house to accommodate the fact that I wasn't normal. Courtesy of the blonde who arrived late as I awkwardly sat on my sofa dressed up.
"Sorry I was late, traffic was horrible today." She said as she took her gray camel coat off setting it on the armrest. Some part of me was disappointed she didn't wear the dark brown leather jacket but she still looked so good.
Our therapist shifted and brought her right leg over her left, "No worries I was in traffic as well, and had to leave a bit early. I'm just glad you made it." Now I felt horrible because if I knew traffic over to mine was a bitch I would've insisted on going over to her instead.
The woman wore shining upturned eyes that reminded me of chocolate cake batter when stirring it. Thin soft angled brows decorated her beautiful eyes with full natural lashes that roofed those eyes elegantly. A Grecian nose, natural brown downturned lips with a hint of mocha rose tint, and a sharp face. She was elegant head to toe and gold jewelry gained thrice its value against her bronze skin.
She had a natural glint of care making this less intimidating than I thought. Causing brief panic as I was getting ready, especially after I learned that she was arriving at my house which Roseanne failed to mention last week. Thank god I've done nothing but freak out about my house being the same, alarming me if something was slightly misplaced because anything— anyone could've moved it.
"If you guys like we can start introducing ourselves and I'll begin. I'm Dr. Tesfaye and may I say that you have a beautiful home..."
"Y/n, thank you. I've worked hard to make it mine." I said with pride. I always thought it was ordinary but I've also never seen my home in someone else's eyes so I felt good when I received her compliment.
"Roseanne, it's nice to meet you, Dr.Tesfaye. I'd shake your hand but I'm embarrassingly nervous and you know sweaty hands." She wiped them on her pants.
Dr. Tesfaye smiled at her before relaxing her body, like she was asking us to relax too but the more I tried I couldn't because she was still a stranger in my home and I swear I didn't even want to open the door for her.
"You two are a gorgeous couple, I'll be doing my best to help you guys through your problems, may we start with unfolding them and giving me a preview?"
Roseanne laughed nervously, "Should we start with our problems or couple problems?"
An hour felt short for all of the things she said so Dr. Tesfaye mentioned wanting to hear about us as a couple from the beginning; the food error, the date, talks, becoming her girlfriend, communication problems, more problems to us not being a couple anymore and wanting to start over. "You guys are already on the right track, I'm glad you guys maturely made the decision to break up and start over for the sake of you guys individually and as a couple." That was what she said before our short hour ended. She listened most of the time asking questions about how certain things made us feel or what the other side's story was during a certain even trying to understand us.
But there was something that oddly didn't cross my mind. I'd be hearing her side and while I was being selfish cursing our situation she was suffering as well cursing the situation double the amount. Cursing that she had to distance herself from me.
We dismissed our therapist out of my front door making sure to hear the melody I'd come to love.
With a deep breath, I cocked my head to the blonde waiting for her to say something but she doesn't and I understand why. It was a lot for us to take in—for us to realize.
She walked over to my kitchen to grab water and I stood in the same spot, admiring the way she reaches to grab a cup, the way she lazily made her way to my fridge and dispenses water taking a long drink right away.
I wasn't sure what to do, what to say. Without any thought, I journeyed my way up the stairs and realized that we needed space. Space to think about everything without back and forth sorry's and blaming. It was the right thing to do because the argument would lead to nothing.
——
Roseanne's POV
I try not to blame myself for the hurt I've caused y/n. I know that she loves me but it hurts to know that she loved me too much and still thought breaking up with me was the best option. I wondered that if I didn't come into her house that day if she would've broken up with me and called it the end.
After today's session, I wanted to hold her and apologize but I knew it would get us nowhere. After all, she did say no more apologizing.
This whole year has been filled with I'm sorry's for different reasons and different people. The attack, because of my actions, for me hurting her— it was too much. And I wanted to give her space because I didn't want to mess things up by apologizing and crying into her neck.
I wanted to do everything right after doing everything wrong. Really all I wanted was to keep her safe.
Our therapist had mentioned wanting to have individual sessions with her to understand everything that was going on in our lives and I felt ashamed because my only struggle was gaining her trust back. She thinks I won't give in anymore and that I'd leave her, I did that; I destroyed the confident bright chef that I met at the restaurant.
I haven't mentioned it yet but I notice how she laps around the house checking the locks of anything with a frame. Doors, windows over and over. At the end of the day, I didn't attack her but I still sit on guilt, only if I hadn't went off on her that day. Only if, only if only if. There are always only ifs and it's always too late.
The truth is I was more than happy to see her, I was just worried that she would get us caught or that fans would assume especially since she was with Alice. That fear manifested as anger and I said some things I shouldn't have, I was insensitive and when she revealed that she had gotten hearing aids to hear me sing it just broke me. I hated myself— I still do because I was a horrible girlfriend.
Flashback to the concert day
The girls and I had just finished our first concert and I'm confident to say it was a success.
Our backup dancer and other staff were in the makeup room awaiting to congratulate us but I couldn't let us take all the credit because they worked just as hard, perhaps double the amount because they helped this come true.
Jennie and the other girls had gone out to ride around their suitcases while I stayed back as I talked one on one with the backup dancers, continuing to thank them for their hard work.
At this point, I'm sure everyone was aware of the rumors going around especially since I was singled out by the company's important people for a meeting. They were also aware that I was to keep away because of the higher-ups found out staff knew about my involvement with y/n then they'd get fired unless they report me.
I wanted everything to work out, my relationship and my music career although I was willing to give up one thing for the sake of the other and I don't mean y/n.
I was about to get my things ready when the door opened and I was expecting my parents, Alice and Ashley. When I looked over to the door I saw her instead, not that I didn't want to see her she was just around so many staff members.
I felt overprotective, angry, and a bunch of other negative emotions. Either way, I just wanted her out where people won't see her and not for all the wrong reasons.
She was wearing a nice coat and I was able to peek at the clothing she was wearing, she looked so fine.
With her right hand, she was holding two items, our light stick and a pair of red noise-cancellation headphones. Although I was a bit confused, the girl's face stole my attention bringing me back to reality.
"What are you doing here?" My tone was a bit harsh mirroring my sign energy and movement. I felt this unstoppable anger because I hated that she was here and risking both of us in front of our staff members. I'm definitely having another talk soon.
"I came to see you, I'm here with your si—" I shamelessly cut her off and began spewing more harsh words because every time she signed it just didn't make things better.
Here? With my sister? The sister that most of my fans are familiar with? "Do you know how unsafe this is? You being here? With the rumors the threats— you risked us just to come see me perform when you can't even hear! What part of lay low did you not understand?" That part came out a bit louder than I anticipated, but still, I didn't regret it because I was so upset, even after her facial structure changed into a look of disgust.
"You're acting like I was up on stage with you holding your mic and telling the whole world that we were dating. I just wanted to surprise you especially because it's been so long since I've seen you why is that so wrong?" She was right. I'm sure I'm just overthinking everything and the reason why my anger dissipated was the fact that y/n started crying. She tried to wipe the tear away quickly but I noticed it along with her puffy eyes. I made her cry.
"Oh, I'm sorry love I didn't mean to make you cry." I wanted to reach for her, comfort her and fix what I'd done but she stepped back, making it clear that she didn't want me near her.
"You left me in the morning after you gave me one of the best nights of my life and then you start acting weird and lying to not only me but your family too? Everything was just starting to feel normal again so I thought you'd at least be happy to see me." I was, god I really was. "And I hoped that the first things I'd hear from you would be sweet things— things that make my heart flutter but you yelled at me instead? I don't deserve this and I certainly don't want to argue after I had such an amazing night admiring you and loving you." The first thing she heard? What?
Oh god, no.
I fucked up really bad if my assumptions are true, "What do you mean love... did you—" she clipped her gorgeous hair up and there sat two black devices caressing her ear. Only a fool wouldn't know what those are which meant I really did fuck up. "But I thought you said you would never get them? Why did you get them? When? Is that why you took me off your account so I wouldn't know?"
"I said nothing would make me get them not anyone, so yeah I did get them for you because I wanted to hear your voice and I thought it would be a nice surprise." As I processed the words she was signing, a ringing in my ear started. Everything starts to feel unreal when you know you've lost someone.
I wanted to tell her that it was a nice surprise and that I loved her with or without them. Unfortunately by the time I was beginning to express myself, she pivoted towards the door, the light stick turned off displaying a sad dull heart. It took me a while to move my feet, not caring who was watching and if I had to have another meeting, I had to go after her.
I opened the door and saw y/n bidding her goodbyes to my family and the girls. I tried calling out to her and getting her attention but failed miserably because she continued to walk out of the area.
A mad Jisoo and upset sister stood still with arms crossed as they eyed me, cursing me out for my actions.
Alice was the first to speak, "I can't believe you. You could've and should've reacted differently—Roseanne I don't think you're aware of just how big of a deal her getting the implant for you is! She loves you so damn much that she did that for you not to do the bare minimum! And the lies and distancing—I know it's hard to be in your position but you really suck at communicating." She was right, and I'm sure what everyone around me was thinking was also right, "what you need to do is apologize and clear up everything from the moment you started acting like a jerk and lying to everyone. She out of everyone in this room deserves to know the most what's going on; not Lisa, not Jennie or Jisoo, not me or mom but y/n! Or did you forget that she's your girlfriend?"
I didn't even reply to the girl and was glad I was already changed out of my concert outfits so that I could run out and get to her.
I reached my car and drove as quickly as possible, sometimes slowing down immediately when a cop car was in view or another citizen flashed their lights to let me know.
It took much longer to reach her home but when I did I couldn't stop knocking on her door. Good thing was that she changed her login info but not her key code to her door, allowing me to step into the familiar home where we came to after our second date and had our first kiss. There were very few memories here with us but each one is beautiful and heartwarming. I couldn't lose that. Not her.
I ran up the stairs with tears rolling down my cheeks without warning. It felt wrong to cry but I couldn't help it at the thought of losing the girl I fell in love with at first sight.
Reaching her bedroom she wasn't anywhere to be found and I looked in the closet as well as the bathroom. This only left one more place.
Her restaurant.
End of flashback.
"How's y/n?" Alice snapped me out from remembering what I saw when I reached the restaurant. Seeing her body on the cold floor, alone and gasping for air. I wasn't sure what happened but the way she winced when I tried to pick her off the ground told me everything I needed, along with the red stripes marked around her throat.
The ambulance had picked her up and before I could go with them I grabbed y/n's phone which was logged in to the security system. I remember not even getting through half of the footage.
I should've been there. I should've acted differently and none of that would've happened. Sure I wasn't the one who physically hurt her but she would've been with me at that time if I had acted differently toward her.
Alice was at my place with Mom as we were making spring rolls. Lisa was supposed to arrive sooner or later and help but Mom got desperate and started the process of cutting vegetables, stir-frying them, and preparing the wraps.
I opened my mouth as my mom placed a spoon in front of my mouth with her hand under making sure to catch any drops, "I'm worried about her. I'm trying my best because I know that if I'm around too much she'll continue to depend on me but I know she's like that because she's scared that I'll leave again." I gave my mom a thumbs up and covered my mouth as I was talking, finishing chewing and swallowing the food.
"How can I help?"
I sat down in front of her, "you can't. It's something I have to work on with her and our therapist." I forgot I hadn't mentioned Dr. Tesfaye to either Alice or my mom and that caught my mom's attention.
"Since when?" She questioned me, dropping the metal spoon on the pan.
"We had our first session yesterday at y/n's house because she's not capable of leaving the house. It went well and next week I'll be having a session alone." My mom rubbed my shoulders and hugged me, I was glad she was understanding and supportive even if she at some point told me y/n deserved better.
I had told Alice about our first date from planning to go out to a fancy restaurant and ending up in her back patio having the best date of my life. She knew about the panic attack and not making it out but I hadn't yet mentioned her obsession with the locked doors. I'm sure she had PTSD I just needed Dr. Tesfaye to confirm because I wasn't the one with a Ph.D., especially since I hadn't made it to high school graduation and received my HSC.
That reminded me to check up on her through the app and there she was walking around checking every lock.
Finally, Lisa arrived after her busy day greeting my mom first, Alice then me. There was something I wanted to talk about with her which was really important. Something for after when she's able to leave the house.
The camping trip she wanted to take.
"Lisa help me plan a camping trip for next year when it gets warm." She looked confused and crossed her arms in front of her chest, "It's for y/n. She wants to go on a camping trip so I want to fulfill that wish but you know..."
"Wow, you camp with her but not me. Do you know how lonely it is to camp by myself, drinking beer and looking out at the pretty rivers? Park Chaeyoung you never stop breaking my heart." She said dramatically acting all sad but honestly, I didn't care.
"Do this for y/n," I stuck my bottom lip out and gave her my best guilt-tripping face. "Please."
"For y/n—now if she falls in love with me for being a pro camper do not get mad. No one can resist my camping skills."
——
Y/n in my head is well me most of the time (obvi) but for this story, y/n is actually a deaf actress who inspired this story haha (more like y/n kind of looks like her)
She's such a milf :)