I rushed out only to the end of the curb along with a couple of other teen girls as we all waited for an Uber. It was kind of pathetic and sad to sit out here with tear-stained cheeks and swollen eyes for all the wrong reasons.
I pressed the button on the light stick Alice had bought me, the light pulsed like a heartbeat and the pink hearts on both sides were illuminated. It was a cute light stick but I hated it right now because I was bitter and wanted nothing with love and cute pink hearts.
Finally, my Uber arrived and I sent her a message through the app to let her know where I wanted to be and home was definitely not the place. I'd get swallowed by more insecure thoughts and I'd feel too upset to sleep. I didn't want to spend my night crying and looking at the downside of my love life right now or drowning in thoughts convincing myself that maybe I was in the wrong, that maybe I overreacted.
Blaming myself to make reason out of the outcome.
I had to keep myself busy and luckily Jun was still at the restaurant closing even though I told him not to. So I snuck in and put on an extra apron to wear over my clothes. The clothes that I picked out for Roseanne to see me in and I didn't even get to take my coat off.
I put on my bandanna and checked myself in the mirror, seeing the black electronic devices and wires that allowed me to hear. I was so disappointed with and angry at myself. I don't even know why I was so angry at myself.
Before I knew it I grabbed both devices and took them off, throwing them against the floor.
Going back to the kitchen after my mini breakdown I began prepping so that tomorrow things would be easier for everyone and I decided that I was finally ready to go back to what I did before, handling pans and seeing that bright tall flame that brought me to life, the flame sparkling and painting an excited image on my pupils.
It was kind of refreshing to not hear anything anymore but I was just getting used to footsteps and hearing when someone comes in and out, the clicking sounds the stove made when I turned it on, or how the food sizzled when my head cook was barring me from my own kitchen.
Still, I felt a bit safe knowing that Jun was around either cleaning, mopping, or sitting waiting for me as he played on his phone although the last time I saw him he was sitting at the bar doing his homework.
As I was cutting vegetables and then meats, my phone wouldn't stop vibrating and I knew that it was Roseanne calling but I was too upset to talk to her and I didn't need to be upset when I was working with a knife. If I wanted to be upset I would've been home right now.
After a while, they completely stopped and I was glad because it allowed me to cut the red meat into cubes in peace. Meats ranging from beef, pork, chicken, and even goat meat which was in a lot of cuisines around the world, and personally I loved it. The aroma it released was powerful but that meant the taste was also full of flavors none of the other meats could bring. I had it in dishes like stews and even just grilled like a steak. It was an expensive investment since it's pricier than the other cuts used but it's what set my restaurant apart from most besides other components and it did well so I kept it. Another plus from setting up my restaurant where lots of ethnic families lived.
I was so lost in my happy thoughts of the kitchen and thinking about wanting to try Jamon Iberico which came from Spanish black hogs that were fed acorns. The process of caring for these hogs allowed them to fatten it up to help with the curing process that creates an exquisite, intense, sweet flavor you can't find anywhere else in the world with ham. A very unique flavor one can experience once in a lifetime.
A shoulder pull brought me away from the counter and I hadn't noticed that someone was there. Thinking it was Roseanne I dropped my knife onto the cutting board and was about to sign angrily and immediately stopped when I saw a large figure standing in front of me. His brows created a V and his eyes were feral, wildly angry, and terrifying. My anger dissipated and turned into complete fear.
I knew exactly what this man was capable of, how he treated Jun in front of everyone and I couldn't imagine how he treated Jun behind closed doors.
Strong cheap whiskey suffused my nose and that made everything more terrifying. He was intoxicated and he was angry and yelling as his face turned red.
His mouth opened widely every time he said something and sometimes spit would come out along with strings of words I couldn't hear. Fuck. Why did I take my processors off?
I tried to sign to him but it was futile, his animosity grew and he was trying to close the gap between us as he angrily pointed out where Jun last was. I was confused and afraid, this was a man I would never want to encounter if I had a choice but I was here dealing with him now.
I tried backing up but his long muscular arms were a lot faster than me grabbing onto my apron and slightly pinching the skin from my chest that was exposed.
He placed his large thick fingers around my throat and slammed me against the white tiles that made up my wall.
I never knew just how strong a man could be, obviously, he would be because his build was large, and the curves that were exposed made up his muscles. The muscles that helped bring me up with my back sliding against the cold tile. I was just never treated like this to know how much strength a human being was capable of.
I closed my eyes shut and tried to tear his arm off with both of my hands but it was useless. And I knew when I felt weaker and my breath continued to come through short. He was going to kill me. He's going to kill me.
But thankfully that was just a thought, thankfully.
I regretted being thankful and wished he had as soon as he threw me down.
Gasping for air and trying to clear my vision up the next thing that came was even worse. Kicks, after kicks, came towards me and I was nothing but useless. Laying on the floor allowing him to toss me around like a ball of tissue.
He should've just killed me.
Pain, lots of it and it was running across my abdomen and pelvic area. I was looking at black and red as pain shot through my body like needles. Areas of soreness kept me stuck in place like I was being held down with handcuffs and restraints.
I blinked slowly since the curtain of this white bright room was open and the last thing I needed to top my pain off was a headache. I never understood why hospitals, were so white and bright. The last thing patients needed, was to be blinded and cursed with a headache to top off all the other pain.
There was a nurse in her typical blue scrubs writing something down as she checked the bag of fluid hanging and delivering whatever it is that it contained to my body through a needle pierced into my hand. I tried to extend my arm to catch her attention but the pain of raising my arm hurt my ribs and felt like I was holding a 25-pound dumbbell. It was so difficult that I lost my breath as I tried over and over. Wincing and shutting my eyes tightly I retracted my arm and let it fall to my side where it was when I woke up.
How did I even get here? Last thing I remember was feeling the cold floor touching my cheek as I sobbed, my immobile body losing consciousness.
Unexpectedly, my surgeon who placed my implants was standing outside by the reception desk, talking to a nurse with a point of a finger towards me that let me know that the conversation was indeed about me. Surely enough, said doctor noticed that I was awake and made his way to me.
He began to sign, "Ms. Y/l/n, I'm glad you're awake! It shocked me to see you were here for another surgery so soon. I'm sorry about what happened." His kind eyes became doughy, filled with genuine worry and care. Not even my own grandad made me feel this type of comfort.
"I was even more shocked to see that you didn't have your sound processors on." He added, but how do I explain to this man that I got them for a girl who wasn't happy to even see me, that I felt like I made a mistake despite having the best time of my life at a concert— which I also couldn't reveal because he would probably skin me alive.
So I gave him a vague truth with my hands moving on top of my abdomen, "I had a tantrum. I felt overwhelmed and threw them off." I thought about how they were still somewhere on the floor of the bathroom located in my office. "I wish I hadn't, maybe then I'd know why that man attacked me." Although I did have an idea.
His strong features obviously gave it away that he was Jun's father, the kid who I had taken into my home for his safety. He might've thought I seduced him which is a horrible thought because not only was he a minor but I was a lesbian with a girlfriend— or perhaps not anymore with the way things went yesterday. He also could've just been angry that he was staying with me, considering that Jun ran away. He didn't really have a reason to be angry at me but he was because he was just an angry man from what Jun had described, especially when cheap whiskey intoxicated the man.
I tried to sit up but it was impossible with my arm's strength and my core feeling strained since it received the most impact, "how did I even get here?" I asked the man who was still standing in front of me.
"A woman brought you in, your girlfriend who I sent to the cafeteria earlier." And speaking of the devil there was this woman who claimed to be my girlfriend—and technically she was but I'm not sure why she's here when she didn't even want to see me yesterday. Maybe I should give in to my childish tendencies and return the energy. "But regarding the sound processors, we can get them replaced if they were destroyed, I'm sure insurance will try and cover most of it but it is going to be an added cost—"
"Don't worry I'll cover them." Roseanne interrupted. I furrowed my brows angry at just seeing the girl trying to pay for my things, trying to act like a girlfriend after the things that she said, "That is of course if she still wants them." And then I thought about my future again, Roseanne wasn't all of my future, and although it hurt to think that it was the truth. My future with her wasn't guaranteed but me having children—adopted or not— was certainly on my list.
The doctor nodded and walked away. I took a long thorough stare at her and her hair was messy, her outfit was still the same from yesterday when I saw her but she wore black sunglasses that made her look sexy and a face mask which she took off as soon as she had walked into the room.
"What are you doing here? I thought we were supposed to lay low and a hospital isn't exactly the most lowkey place Roseanne."
She set her cup of coffee, or perhaps tea down on a small table next to a comfortable reclining chair. I did notice that this room looked different, more comfortable, and luxurious and I'm sure she had to do something with the arrangements.
"I requested a private room, no one will find out." But somewhat that didn't make me feel any better. It still felt like she felt the same way. "How are you feeling?" She added.
I tried to give her my best intimidating stare but I knew it didn't work because I wasn't used to doing it. Instead, my eyes squinted and turned soft, not helping my situation. "I'm doing great you know, my girlfriend left me the morning after an intimate night, she ignored me for weeks and acted weird and to top it all off she wasn't even happy that I was there to see and support her. To add on, surprise her that I had gotten implants because I wanted to hear her angelic voice only for her to be mean and make a jerk comment."
"I never told you to get them for me."
"Well with what you told me yesterday about not even being able to hear I would've figured that you did want me to." Bitter. Bitter bitter was what I felt. How I felt towards her, what I felt, and how the words came out of my mouth.
She took her glasses off and revealed her puffy swollen eyes, she had been crying. But again I was so bitter that I could care less. I was crying too for weeks and if everything went a different direction I would have ended up in my home happily. To be fair though, the incident wasn't her fault I was just bitter bitter bitter.
She rubbed her face and covered it with her boney hands for a minute. "Please give me your security account info again, if I didn't run after you who knows if you would've made it." And apparently, she blames herself as well. And it was no one's fault but the large man's. "I forgot how to speak and walk when I saw you laying like that on the floor y/n. It broke me, seeing you like that."
"Well, you should've kept the energy and avoided coming—seeing me."
"Y/n—"
"No, no y/n no nothing. I'm done with you lying, apologizing, and not acting any better. God, I love you so much Roseanne but sometimes it feels like you don't— at least not anymore. A simple good morning or call or I love you would've sufficed, you don't need a pretty horse and a carriage to show me how much you love me." I recalled our first date, it was magical and unforgettable. But things weren't so magical anymore, I guess that's what I get for dating a celebrity. I did this to myself.
"I do love you so much y/n you don't understand."
"Then act like it." I clenched my teeth as I made some brusque gestures, my ribs threatening to disable me with indescribable pain. "I'm not asking for you to tell the whole world about me, I'm asking you to do the bare minimum as my girlfriend."
She nodded and rubbed her thighs, her phone screen lighting up. "I have to go y/n, I have to prepare for day two and then I'm heading to Japan." She shoved her phone into the back pocket of her baggy jeans and brought her glasses down to her eyes. The face mask that was below her chin returned to cover her face. "I love you y/n, you have to trust me." But you're leaving. And you probably won't contact me while you're away.
As much as I wanted to roll over and close my eyes to ignore her, I couldn't. So I lay there hating that she left, again.
——
I felt like a child.
I was being treated like a child and it was embarrassing.
At this point, I wasn't sure if it was my deafness or the fact that a grown man twice my size beat the hell out of me—figuratively because I'm still so very gay so there are no beating hells out of me if it's real.
Roseanne visited briefly before she headed to Japan, dropping a bouquet of lavender and my favorite ice cream before heading out. Meanwhile, Alice and Clare were with me most of the time.
Clare brought me home-cooked meals and motherly love that I couldn't receive from my own because I knew that if I revealed the news my dad would come here in a heartbeat to reciprocate the energy to Jun's dad, perhaps Roseanne or both of them...at the same time.
Instead, embarrassingly, I accepted Clare's food and talked to her through text. It was a comfortable interaction—why lie, I just felt like a damn baby with the way I laid there not being able to hold a cup of water for more than a few seconds because my arms and ribs get tired.
I complained an awful lot about my thong and opened back garment the hospital was making me wear. It was awful, cold, and yet again, embarrassing. The fact that my girlfriend's sister and mom saw more of me than she ever has was not ok. Especially not her sister who rummaged through my drawers in my closet to find underwear for me, and out of everything I had she chose the sexy lacy underwear I had.
Yet here I was with my garment lifted stopping under my breasts while Alice cleaned and made sure my incisions were doing well. The three small incisions on my abdomen to treat that abdominal trauma, leading to a complication on the table that lead to a large incision like that of a C section, and a vertical incision on my ribs.
They saved my life but they birthed a new insecurity in me.
But Alice knew all of that, she was here for it and I'm sure she's filling her sister in while I haven't even received a call or an, 'Are you ok?' 'I miss you' 'We'll get through this.' Yet still, the brunette was the one caring for me, being a witness to my insecurities and my hospital room depression.
She finished checking and cleaning me up allowing me to drop my gown back down, slowly and agonizingly walking back to bed like a grandma with a bad back on a regular day.
"You're looking better." She sat across from me on the edge of the small bed I was calling home at the moment.
And of course, I had to make a joke to mask the fact that my world was burning down in every way imaginable, "I thought I already looked great, he didn't get my face." But the brunette's stoic face didn't budge. Maybe too soon? Although that should be something she's supposed to be asking, what happened to joking about trauma being a thing?
"I'm sorry about everything, with Roseanne and this. If she would've reacted differently you wouldn't have been here." Truth be told, my own brain was thinking about Roseanne's way of showing she cared and I was growing tired of it, I was tired of her apologizing, her mom apologizing, and me apologizing. I didn't realize that maybe I was ruining her life, making her choose me over the career she once only dreamt of.
I wish I would've stayed in my kitchen the day I met her Instead of going out to view all the people and backgrounds my restaurant, my menu, my seasonings flavors, and love brought into one place. "I didn't see this being my future, not disgusting bruises surgery, the implant, not with Roseanne." I told the girl truthfully, "When she told me that I was beautiful not caring about what my pin said, I had to stop myself from liking her right away because I was so used to being pushed away due to the language barrier. And then she took me on our first date and treated me like a literal princess and it felt right. Her taking the time to learn sign was just... unpredictably comforting. She learned so that I can keep being myself, unlike my ex who tried shoving the implants down my throat. I got them to hear Roseanne and then after all of my insecurities with her, I tried to push it down and told myself that in the long run, it'll be worth it.
Alice, it hasn't even been a year and I would be lying to you if I told you that I hadn't envisioned my future with Roseanne; the moving in together, the wedding, pets, kids—all of it. But she doesn't even have time for me and without us, I won't get any of that. I told myself that dating a celebrity was nothing, they are also human but I totally forgot about the aspect where our lives have to be hidden, there's no time for anything, and the world talks. Honestly, I'm not mad about that I'm mad about the fact that I feel like she doesn't love me as much as I do, that she probably didn't envision our future at any moment because if she really did love me she'd try, she'd fight and she'd be here with me seeing my bare ass because of this stupid gown and I just really want to go home!" As I ranted the emotions continued to build up and I felt a wave of frustration, hurt, betrayal, anger, depression, and love.
"But I can't make her choose me or her career, it's clear she loves her career and I don't blame her because she gave away half of her life for it." Maybe I'm high maintenance or maybe I'm right when I told myself that this wasn't the life I want. And then there's the thought that made me feel like Roseanne had ruined anyone else for me. Who else would do the cute hand thing when we hugged or she kissed my neck? Who else would make love to me like she did? It somehow hurt more than all the soreness my body is experiencing.
——
Alice brought me home after I was cleared with new hearing devices and bruises still littering my body no longer affecting me to the point of immobility.
Alice had her arm wrapped gently around my waist carrying me down the few steps that separated the kitchen and the living room setting me down on my sofa.
I thanked Alice and let her know that she could go home and added that she didn't have to come by anymore which she didn't take well at all and told me she would break in if I didn't open my door. But truthfully I just wanted to be alone, I wanted time to myself and think—although I was terrified to be alone and the only reason why I wanted the hearing devices again was so that I wouldn't be oblivious to anything happening around me.
I was scared to be alone and mostly in the dark because I couldn't see anything. I wouldn't even be able to see the brusque body that made up Jun's dad. I was terrified to step out because he might come around any time.
He's been arrested. Don't worry.
But I worried because I now didn't have nurses by my side, doctors, Alice, Roseanne's mom...
And I definitely didn't have Roseanne.
I stayed seated since Alice left, not even watching TV because the sound would obstruct any other sounds and I didn't have the energy to reach towards the coffee table in front of me. So I stayed there, looking around even as the sun was saying goodbye through my sliding doors and windows, darkening the living room.
I hated how loud the house was and how every noise startled me. The refrigerator's hums and the air system starting were unpleasant sounds, especially when the ice fell into the dispenser. I just have to get used to it. I thought but the more I tried the more it got louder and suddenly my mind became paranoid thinking I was seeing a dark shadow approaching me or standing as it creepily watched me.
At some point I had fallen asleep, clutching a pillow close to me and soon found out that as a side sleeper, it was extremely comfortable, especially with my injuries.
I was glad to wake up to my room lit up by natural light with everything visible and no more book stacks or pillows posing as scary creatures or people.
I decided that my room was the safest place so with all the strength I had I stood up and made my way to the stairs. I looked up at them dreading each step but I didn't want to be down here, I wanted to be in the comfort of my own room plus the bathroom was there, for easy access.
I was too lost in thought that I hadn't realized that someone had entered my house and was even more shocked to see the blonde strands raining from the figure's shoulders along with a metallic gray suitcase. Except I noticed when I was two steps up and freaked out when I felt a hand on the small of my back.
I didn't even recite a hello or any type of greeting, "Please don't startle me like that anymore." My face was stoic almost angry that she was here but I didn't know how to react anymore. She didn't feel like my girlfriend anymore so the happiness that came along with that title faded. She was neither a friend nor an acquaintance. She felt like a stranger.
After helping me up the steps I grabbed comfortable silk pajamas I had and changed into them in the privacy of my own bathroom (since the blonde was outside in my room for who knows what reason and with a suitcase at that.)
She's probably stopping by quickly before she goes on tour to her next location.
When I stepped out I found the girl already staring at me anticipating for me to walk out of the small room. She had removed her coat and was now in a baggy white shirt and gray parachute pants. As lovely as she looked, it felt uncomfortable that she was here, and on my bed.
"Why are you here Roseanne?" Her hands that were holding her torso up came off my bed. "And don't apologize, I'm tired of hearing all types of apologies."
So she skipped that part and I knew she was going to apologize from the hesitation after I had signed that, "I'm here to finally talk. Tell you everything, I didn't realize how much I hurt you until Alice told me... it's been unfair on you and I don't want you to doubt dating me any more. So I'm coming clean Y/n. You deserve to know."