Waking up felt warmer than usual since I basically sleep naked every night with my blanket draped over one leg for complete temperature control of my body. The perfect way to sleep and any other way is the wrong way, I don't make the rules; maybe I do.
My bed was huge and still, I was surprised that I wasn't cuddled up next to Roseanne because the last thing I remember after making her cum was me laying on top of her, breathing in every scent she had that made her smell like... well her.
A smile appeared on my face my hand flopping around my bed as I tried to find the warmth of her skin, failing as all I touched were cold sheets. My eyes fluttered open and my smile faded when I didn't see her laid up beside me where she last was. The pillow she was on was dented in the middle and her side of the blanket was tossed and folded onto me. Still bare, I ran to the bathroom where I hoped she would be, my feet cold with every touch of the ground. I opened the door and the room was empty. The worst part was that my alarm clock spelled 5:32 am.
She had left.
I quickly ran back to my bed and picked up my phone to text her right away, "you left?"
My heart jumped when the three dots appeared right away, hoping that she'd tell me she was actually downstairs with my parents who made a new routine to wake up early and is drinking coffee with them.
"Yes, I'm sorry baby I had to do some important things."
"You couldn't wake me up?" I tapped furiously.
"I couldn't, you needed the rest and I'd feel bad waking you up."
"But you didn't feel bad just leaving me after the amazing night we had? Without a goodbye or a kiss? It's unfair Rosie I wanted to see you because I know that after yesterday it'll be months or maybe even a year!" Why was I feeling all of these negative emotions when I wasn't the type to get angry? This girl has changed me a lot.
"I'm sorry love I didn't mean to make you mad." But it hurt that she did it with even more ease due to the fact that I wasn't able to hear her leave.
"I'm not mad, just upset. It was not cool Rosie I just wanted to see you or feel your comfort even for one last second. We're both busy people and I wanted to savor your warmth in the morning, feel safe before I'm deprived of that for a long time." And after that, she didn't answer anymore.
I couldn't go back to sleep so most of my morning until 7:30, I was on my phone watching a movie which totally sucked and ruined my mood even more.
A thought hit my brain making me slam my hand on the fridge. Maybe I wasn't good in bed. Maybe I didn't please her. She's gonna break up with me because I'm horrible.
I placed my hand on my forehead to gather my thoughts when I felt a soft touch on my shoulder. My body snapped back totally forgetting that I had visitors and a temporary not really foster foster kid. I was so used to being alone that I was startled when I saw my younger brother behind me but even more startled when I saw that my fancy espresso machine was not working. Why the hell does my Keurig work better when I spent big bucks on this thing?
"You ok?" His bed head was still present and his morning breath had the strength to kill a rat's nest with one yawn.
"Worry about your hygiene first." I smacked my stupid machine hoping it'll feel bad or something but it still didn't work. Groaning and rolling my eyes at the world for hating me so much at this instant.
Before Mike could walk away ruffling his hair and yawning for yet another time I asked him if he wanted Starbucks so that we could go out. Plus it's been a while since I've hung out with him, just him and I. He agreed and this time he made a run for the bathroom.
My parents were up not much later and I let them know that Mike and I were heading out for some high-quality sibling bonding. They were delighted with the news because they didn't want to take him sightseeing and they know I'd be the worst guide since I only know the way from my house, the restaurant, and my nearest Starbucks. Roseanne would've made a great tour guide and probably would've let them ride the scooters with her controlling them. Maybe take them on a carriage ride! Who knows Roseanne is just full of surprises.
By the time Mike finished, I was even crankier because I hadn't had coffee and he had taken forever to fix his hair, only to still look the exact same.
Grabbing my keys and placing my hand on the handle I stopped as I remembered that Jun was probably still sleeping on the sofa and when I pivoted to the living room he wasn't there. Even more alarming, there weren't any blankets or pillows rearranged. No Jun too.
I grabbed my phone and sent him a message. "Where are you, hun? Did you come home last night?" But one of my questions was answered when the plate I left him was in the same spot.
For the first time this morning, I tried to convince myself to have positive thoughts. He's okay, he probably went to work a morning shift. He's okay. I'll get my stupid machine fixed and Roseanne...
I need the biggest cup they have.
—
"Do I have to beat her up already? I could use a subject to test out my boxing skills and check if my gym time is paying off." Little did he know it was paying off because the last time I saw him he was a tall, lanky boy and now he's a big, tall guy with a beard growing. I almost cried at the sight, why couldn't he stay little forever?
I swirled my coffee around and took a huge sip feeling a little more relieved. "No beating people up. Punching bags exist you know?"
"Yeah, but they aren't made of flesh and bones and brains." Freak.
"Maybe beat yourself up?" I joked and he stuck his tongue out. The way his face wrinkled and changed made him return to his younger self when he was nothing but a troublesome kid that loved chicken nuggets from Mcdonald's.
People were coming in and out and the coffee scent continued to grow stronger. I think if I hadn't become a chef I would've become a barista. Coming home smelling like coffee and just to make it more intense I'd buy coffee-scented everything for the shower.
Today was a bright clear sky day and the temperature was tolerable. I had worn a plain gray hoodie and the laziest sweatpants I could find. If I knew I would've been in this state after a night of hot sex with my lover I would've probably locked her in or something. Now I sound crazy.
Still, I didn't regret anything that happened last night and it almost felt dumb to feel upset because it was so great that I was willing to just push aside that It hurt—that she left like nothing happened last night.
I understand that she's busy but seriously, a gentle kiss and shove to wake me up would've been 10x better.
She was going off about wanting to make me feel special but I sure as hell did not feel special right now. Maybe I can't push it to the side and maybe I do deserve to be childish about this.
"When you ignore someone, do you feel great about it after? Is it worth it or do you regret it?" Mike pulled the cup away from his lip, a shiny streak of liquid coating his upper lip.
"Are you asking from my experience or advice?"
"Both." I wanted to hide my face in my hands because I couldn't believe I had just asked for advice from my younger brother. I don't doubt he hasn't dated because he's very good looking but he seems sweet and like a gentleman with girls—
"Depends, I think—I mean I ghost girls all the time and I don't really regret it because they bore me. Although I have a feeling I'll know when I find the right one and I wouldn't dare ghost her." A heartbreaker, of course.
I rolled my eyes at him. "Jerk."
A couple sat next to us and they looked happy. Being the bitter person I was at the moment I wanted to move away. I'm sure they don't leave each other after mind-blowing, passionate loving sex. They looked so in love and I thought that maybe this was their first date and if this was their 113th then damn was I jealous.
"But to be honest I think if the person really likes you they would fight to break your skin until you're not ignoring them." Like a test? That seems wrong and somewhat insecure.
Somewhat insecure was me right now though.
What if I didn't do a good job and now she hates me?
Maybe I should test her.
But where's the trust? If I don't test her maybe it'll all makes sense in the end and I won't even need testing. Maybe not sparing a few minutes to wake me up was because of a really good reason. I'm sure her managers or whatever she had to do couldn't wait one more minute.
My brain felt like a war zone trying to convince myself to not be upset while coming up with new reasons to take over. I'm a mess, insecure, and upset about something I probably shouldn't be upset about. I'm a mad woman. Damn, you Roseanne Park.
"You'd never ignore anyone though, remember that time you tried to ignore me because you were so fed up with but you couldn't resist me making you laugh." Right, I was never able to be rude or ignore someone, I knew better. I knew better especially because I was always ignored at home and school. God school was horrible because no one wanted to be friends with the deaf girl. Almost no one knew sign language and the kids that did were trying to use me to warm my heart and get into my pants.
Ok, no ignoring Roseanne, I'll wait for her to not be busy, I won't be upset anymore and I'll forget about it. I always do, forgive and forget.
I felt like a thousand dumbbells were lifted off my body and taken away from my hands. Breathing was easier now and my coffee now much sweeter than before. Today is all good, Roseanne has good reasons, Jun is ok, and maybe when I get home my then cold espresso is gonna be in the cup and it was just my machine being slow. No hiring an expensive expert to diagnose and fix.
My phone buzzed in my pocket and I grabbed it to see if it was Jun, my parents, or Roseanne but it was Lisa instead. An Instagram notification from her private account.
I clicked on it to see what other shenanigans she posted about or what cat got the spotlight today. Immediately the thoughts I had convinced myself to vanish like mist in along with the negative angry nauseating energy returned when I saw her post.
"Hang out day with Rosie!" And a white heart next to it. Today was a rest day for them and she couldn't stay the morning?
Even worse she's probably at Lisa's telling her about how horrible I was last night and coming up with ways to break up with me.
I've turned into a monster. An insecure monster.
——
Ignoring her was no use because for one to ignore you'd need an interaction first. I haven't received any texts from Roseanne or FaceTime calls and somewhat that was worse. She was probably ignoring me first and was pretending to be doing something important to run to her friend and make fun of me.
My parents weren't home yet and Mike and I spent half of the day watching scary movies which I hated but I closed my eyes most of the time either way. I just really appreciated spending time with my brother.
I knew that when my parents did come though, I would have to act like everything was ok, and like Roseanne left me with a big kiss as goodbye and unfortunately had to leave early because she had some big photo shoot and is totally not her rest day. Her rest day was spent with Lisa and not me even though she'll get to see Lisa during practice and tour. No big deal for her girlfriend at all.
On a good note, Jun was ok and had slept at a friend's house because he felt like he was intruding on my family time which was not true and I let him know that he was spitting nonsense.
Mike and I had leftovers from yesterday and didn't even have a conversation as we sat on my island. We both knew I was upset about something and I appreciated him not pushing me. I just wanted to appreciate my food and how damn good it was.
The night was approaching and I'm sure that for my parents the day was just getting started because that's when alcohol gets involved. I know that they somehow found a romantic place that serves alcohol and has jazz music for them to enjoy, it's the first thing my parents search for when on trips.
After dinner, Mike had gone to play more games with his friends and the house felt lonely. This time around them leaving is going to hurt a lot more. No parents, no Mike, no Roseanne laying on my bed...
At least I'll have Jun who I forgot goes to school and works, basically, he'll only come home with me at night and then we'll be sleeping. Not making much of a difference. I didn't care about being alone for some time, I had comfortably gotten used to it and I was angry at myself for suddenly needing warmth in my home and beside me. Maybe I do regret some aspects of last night, I feel like it opened this new window of attachment.
I tossed my phone on my bed coming to terms that my parents were going to be coming home late and I locked myself in my room staring at the black screen waiting for a sign of life from Roseanne. Mike was right I couldn't ignore anyone, or maybe it's the fact that she was doing it to me and gave me time to get over my anger-laced thoughts. It felt disgusting and wrong to be in that state of anger and upset that I didn't want to return to that any time soon and I promised myself I'd work on it if it does happen.
I was going to put my phone to the side and call it a night but I ended up staring at our chat with my message being the last thing sent. I hadn't thought about how that message earlier made her feel and she probably felt guilty. So I did what I thought was right.
"I'm sorry for being upset at you earlier. I understand that you're a busy person and it was unfair of me to rant like that and ignore your side.
I love you, so much
Goodnight and sleep well."
So what if she had a rest day? She's allowed to use it however she wants I don't dictate everything she does she's an adult who can make rash decisions. Maybe she did have something important to do and Lisa was there to help or the emergency was Lisa.
Right, that sounds like Roseanne.
Everything is ok. Roseanne was busy, Jun is at a friend's house and my espresso machine is going to work tomorrow.
——
But apparently, she was busy on Monday too, and Tuesday, when I had to drop my parents off at the airport and Jun, was still at his friend's house. I thought about returning to work today but I was now upset because every time I tried to talk to Roseanne she'd say she was occupied and she would decline my FaceTime requests. Annoyingly frequent.
But I couldn't do anything but be understanding that it was hectic for her, with music shows and tour prep, dance practices, and other celebrity things she had to do.
So I watched TV while I sipped on wine and that was basically what I did the whole day. Sipping cup after cup and it wasn't until now that I wondered why the hell I had so much wine in my alcohol cabinet. But at the moment I wasn't complaining because I was downing everything.
Mid movie I found myself staring at Roseanne's chat for a long time, wishing the blue bubbles were much longer with different words rather than "busy" and "can't."
And the next thing I know I couldn't stop my thumbs. "I miss you so much. I hope you're having a good day darling." And I tossed my phone to the empty spot next to me slouching and resting my head on the backrest. I was hoping it would get some nice reaction out of her with that message. Might seem childish but I was speaking my mind, I really did miss her.
Dating a celebrity seemed normal at first but I think the not-so-normal things are starting to catch up. The difficult annoying parts I thought were just myths or something.
I had fallen asleep by mistake and was woken up by how cold the house was. I ran to my thermostat while drinking the remaining of my wine.
When I set the glass in the sink I felt my phone buzz and I smiled thinking it was Roseanne because she was the last person I had messaged but it was Jun instead telling me he was coming back tonight. Which was good news, just not what I was waiting for.
——
I woke up a lot earlier than what I usually do for work still I decided to start my routine as soon as I woke up arriving early to work as well and beginning to prep.
I never thought of work as a distraction which was horrible because I genuinely enjoyed my job and seeing it as a distraction just didn't feel right. I was just upset about everything which was also horrible because I wasn't like that. Roseanne became my world and when things were down for me so was my whole world.
I snickered at my thoughts, I've really become a monster because she's not obligated to talk to me every day and she had a good reason.
A masculine hand covered the top of mine as I was holding down some cilantro. I looked up at the man who happened to be my head cook and he made motions like he was pushing something down his body, asking me to calm down, and then tried to guide me through deep breaths. That was when I realized I was chopping too rapidly and dangerously, my stress and emotions steaming out of my ears and nose.
I thanked him and told him I'd be taking a break which he understood because the sign is basically me breaking something in half.
I landed in my office chair turning around in circles while the chair was in place. I tried to clear my head and told myself not to be so upset about it because she's a human with human things to do, like me.
At this moment I wish I was a smoker because I really needed to distress some other way rather than spinning around and I couldn't drink since I'm working so that was out of the question. Maybe I should start smoking—maybe it'll help me calm down or do whatever it is that cigarettes do.
And with that, I marched out of my office and asked one of my employees for one of his cigarettes and he was nice enough to hand me his lighter with a provocative woman painted on the front of a tie-dye background, a marijuana leaf tattooed on her lower right abdominal quadrant.
I walked out to the back and sat on a crate by the door knowing that this was my employees' smoke spot—not that I stalked them or care I just happened to find them out here when I was making a FaceTime call. I couldn't bring myself to light it and smoke it though since I was terrified of developing an addiction to these horrible sticks.
Maybe that's what happened with Roseanne, that one night I became addicted to her comfort, warmth, and touch and now I can't get over it, or maybe I'm going through love withdrawal because she's so far from me and I need her. This is bad. I went from not needing anyone to needing—wanting— her all the time.
The door opened and then walked out a woman who didn't wear my uniform so she definitely shouldn't have access to this door. Her head was looking around like she was looking for something and I didn't bother to make it known that I was behind her because it was very probable she couldn't communicate with me and I'm ok with that— except she could.
Her eyes landed on mine and she took a step forward to close the door, squatting next to me. "I didn't know you were a smoker?" Was the first thing she signed.
"I didn't know either because I'm not— in fact, I don't know what I'm doing." I threw the stick on the ground and placed the unique artistic lighter in my pocket.
"Thought you'd try something new?" I nodded in response going along. "I came to eat with a friend and thought I'd stop by, and when I went to the kitchen some bald guy told me you looked stressed and took a break."
I took my chef beanie off, "yeah just some shipment problems and stuff." I lied.
"Ah, I'm sure handling a business on your own could be stressful. Clearly enough to almost make you become an addict." She laughed and I gave her a half smile.
I crossed my arms on top of my thigh and laid my head on them to face her. "But your eyes tell me it's something else. You look sad and I only know because I've seen you very happy and it doesn't look like that."
I straightened my posture and my back hit the rough brick wall, I looked up at the sky because I was afraid of tears slipping up, "I just miss my family and I feel alone. Having my family and Rosie one whole day and all of them just being gone has made me feel embarrassingly alone. My house feels cold." Right away I regretted ranting because I probably looked pathetic in her eyes, a loser.
"Rosie hasn't been with you?" My face retorted into different emotions all at once, "she told us that she'd be spending time with you this week." Well, clearly not since she's spending time with Lisa and doesn't even answer my text. But lying? Why is she lying to her own sister?
I didn't want to think any further and create problems in my head that weren't needed. So I stood back up and entered the kitchen without signing anything not even a goodbye and returned my employee his sexy lighter.
Now the cucumbers were receiving hell from me and I don't care if a finger goes with one chop.