Summary: Spencer takes his one chance to win the love of his life back. Will he get her?
Word count: 8,5K
Warnings: Angst, alcohol, hangover, sadness, more angst, cursing, and fluff.
A/N: Hey guys!! fair warning: Just two more chapters after this!!!!
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(Y/N)'s point of view
My head was killing me. I woke up late and barely had time to shower and do my makeup. Why did I let my mom give me so much alcohol? Who am I kidding? I wanted to get drunk and cry. Now I had to deal with the consequences of my actions.
I didn't set foot in the bullpen. Instead, after I walked out of the elevator I ran to JJ's old office and locked myself in there. The smell of fresh coffee hit me as soon as I closed the door behind my back. I knew I wasn't carrying any coffee, 'cos that morning I was too late for work to make breakfast, so I was also starving.
But as a miracle, there was a fresh cup of coffee, a fruit salad, and an eclair on the desk. So Spencer had been there already. And he was still trying to win me back. Unfortunately for me, that morning it kinda worked. I was too hungry and hung over to reject that treat. And so, I ate everything he left there for me. I was glad he wasn't around, though. I didn't want him to know just how welcome his breakfast was.
- "Good morning"- Spencer stood at the door and stared at me from a safe distance. I barely had time to put the coffee cup down and wipe my mouth from any eclair left- "I'm glad you enjoyed your breakfast."
- "Was from you? I thought I was Penelope's."
I lied and looked at the papers on my desk to avoid eye contact. The few seconds I looked at him had been painful enough. He looked miserable. The dark rings under his eyes were massive and as dark as the days after Tobias Hankel tortured him. It brought miserable memories to see him like that. It also felt like a heartbreaking confirmation of his drug issues.
- "I was wondering if we could talk after work today."- Spencer whispered and stayed still, waiting for my reply. But I didn't say a word. Honestly, I didn't know what to say. Maybe it was time to talk to him and ends things once and for all. Why was I still delaying that conversation? Only because it scared me to death.
- "I was at your mom's last night. I don't know if she told you, or if you heard me."
I wanted to be mad at him, but as I heard his voice I realized more than anger, the feeling that invaded me was heartbreak. I was brokenhearted. And somehow it felt worst. I could deal with my anger, I knew how to manage it and act in control when I was mad. But brokenhearted was new. I had never felt that way before, not like that. Not to the point of feeling my chest ripped open and my heart pulled out from it.
- "Mom mentioned it."- I whispered and glued my eyes to the computer screen. Spencer took a few steps closer to my desk, but still, I refused to turn to him.
- "So, about tonight, I was thinking maybe we can have dinner. We hadn't been to your favorite Italian place in a while."
- "No, thanks."- my reply came out harder than I intended. Maybe because his proximity made me feel even more vulnerable.
- "Chipmunk, please."
- "Good morning."- Morgan's voice interrupted Spencer and stopped me from crying. I looked at the door and he stood there, awkwardly, staring at us trying to read the room. It wasn't hard to decode we were not comfortable.
- "Hey Derek, what can I do for you?"
- "Hotch asked me to tell you a few cadets are coming today for a talk with him and Rossi, and he wanted you to assist him."
- "Sure, what time?"- I honestly didn't have time to do it, but anything that meant staying away from Spencer seemed to be a good idea at the moment.
- "Half hour. He wanted to see you in his office."- I smiled at Derek and stood up.
- "Thank you, Morgan. Excuse me."- I gathered a notebook, a pen, and my phone, and left the room without any other word or even looking at Reid.
I waved at Prentiss and JJ on my way to Hotch's office, and they looked at me as if they had seen a ghost. Did I really look that bad? I took mental notes of checking my makeup before the meeting with the cadets. Hotch's door was open, so I knocked and just walked in before he would say anything.
- "Hey, Morgan said you needed me."
- "Yes, please take a seat."- I moved a chair closer to his desk and got ready to listen. Aaron finished signing a few papers and looked at me.
- "Did you sleep?"
- "Do I look too bad?"- I ran my fingers through my hair, probably making a mess, as Hotch raised an eyebrow- "Yes, I slept. Mom and I had a few drinks last night."
- "I was gonna ask you to assist me in talking with a few cadets, but I think I'm gonna ask JJ to help."
- "What? Why? Do I really look that bad?"- Hotch stared at me frowning and didn't say a word. His mouth was a straight line- "I'm gonna take that as a yes."
- "I'm not saying you look bad, but you are clearly tired."
- "I'm ok. What do you need me to do? Talk with the kids? Look charming? Sell them the BAU?"
- "Could you and Penelope get a few things to eat? The catering failed us."- I somehow felt disappointed, but simply nodded. When Morgan said Hotch needed my help, I thought it was something important. Not being his personal shopper assistant.
- "Do you have a grocery list or something?"- I stood up and he handed me a piece of paper.
- "Thank you, (Y/N). I appreciate it."
Now I wasn't just tired and depressed, I also felt insulted. Great. I walked through the bullpen straight to Garcia's batcave on the other side of the floor. There she was, talking with Morgan, giggling like a schoolgirl, staring at him as he smiled at her.
- "Hey guys. Garcia, Hotch asked me to take you shopping today."- I looked at my friends and tried to look cheerful. Of course, it didn't work.
- "Oh my god, munchkin, did you sleep?"- Garcia jumped from her chair and walked to me. Her hands rested on my arms as she sweetly caressed me.
- "I did, I had a rushed morning, that's all. So, ready to go? We are in a hurry." - Garcia looked at me and then looked at Morgan, who just stood up nodding.
- "Yes, sure. I have to powder my nose first. Wait for me in your car?"- I raised an eyebrow and stared at her. She was blushing, and nervous.
- "Sorry pretty girl. We were just about to finish talking, I need to tell her something. Why don't you wait for Garcia in your car? She'll be there in a second"
The way Morgan called me "pretty girl" was odd, for the first time. He was lying, but I didn't know which part was bullshit. And to be completely honest, I didn't want to know. I was sleepy, hungover, and grumpy. I just agreed with his idea and walked out of the batcave. It was already bad enough having to go get groceries for Hotch to add more drama to the whole experience.
I sat behind the wheel of my car and kept surfing radio stations, not actually hearing anything. I just kept pushing the button as soon as I realized the song that was playing. Didn't care if I liked it or now. I was about to call Pen and argue we were already late when the door at the passenger seat opened and Spencer got into the car.
- "Sorry, Garcia couldn't make it and she asked me to help you instead."
- "You have to be joking!"- I nearly yelled as he smiled awkwardly and bucked up.- "What are you doing? Get out of my car!"
- "Sorry, but I promised Hotch I wasn't going to let our personal problems interfere with our work. And as far as I know, this is a work-related trip to get some things to eat."- he replied calmly, making it so easy to hate him. The worst part was he was right, I knew it and so I just bit my lips and started the car. The faster we got all the groceries, the faster I was away from my liar fiance.
I had been driving in silence for less than five minutes when Spencer started talking. Did I want to listen to his voice? Not at the minute, though a part of me felt it was incredibly comforting to know he was there, in that same car with me. I was still mad at him, but I missed him so much I was going insane.
- "Did Hotch give you a list of things we should get?"
- "Yes"- I answered coldly. It was a thirty-minute drive to the closest Walmart, and I knew I was going to suffer every minute of that ride. I took a mental note to text Garcia as soon as I was out of that car just to tell her how much I hated her.
- "Do you mind if I play some music?"
- "Whatever."- I kept my eyes glued to the road and made my best effort to pretend Spencer didn't exist. But do you want to know what he did? He started playing "I'm sorry" songs he knew I'd love.
First, he played "Line without a hook" by Ricky Montgomery, then "Moonlight" by The Future Island. He actually had the nerve to sing it along. I swear I wanted to jump off that car. By the time he sang "Walking after you" by the Foo fighters, I had had enough. So I turned off the radio and he stopped singing right away.
- "Enough music."
- "Sorry..."- he whispered and stayed in silence for a few minutes. But of course, it didn't last.
- "Did you get enough sleep last night?"- he whispered and I sighed.
- "No. You?"
- "Neither did I. I don't know if Frank mentioned it, but he was at our place last night."- I tried not to show any emotion, but it shocked me to know my best friend had visited him. It also made me feel better to know Frank was taking care of him.
- "No, I haven't talked to him."
- "He stopped by at dinner and forced me to eat."
- "Good."- I really didn't know what to answer at that. I kept biting my lips to stop myself from saying anything. Ten minutes later I parked outside Walmart and practically ran out of the car.
Honestly, how the fuck did I get there with Spencer? I just wanted to run away and hide from him. Instead, I walked by his side, as he pushed a fucking cart.
Spencer's point of view
My plan wasn't working. Ok, fine, it wasn't the best plan ever, but I was desperate. When Morgan told me Hotch needed (Y/N) to get some groceries for his meeting with Garcia, I basically begged her to let me go with (Y/N) instead. It was the only way I knew I could talk to her in private outside work. Or even just hang out with her a little bit. I even listed a few songs I could use to melt her heart but failed terribly. So there I was, pushing a cart around Walmart, following her around the store in silence. She just kept picking snacks for the cadets and I didn't say a word.
- "Can you pick a few sandwiches? I'm gonna get the cupcakes and we are done."- those were the only words she said to me the entire time we were at the store. If you ask me, my plan was a complete failure.
- "Sure. Do you need anything else?"- but (Y/N) didn't answer, she had already walked away from me.
The ride back to Quantico was basically silent. The radio was on, but we just heard the local news. I tried to think of any other moment in my life when (Y/N) had been this mad at me, but I couldn't recall anything. I remembered when I pushed her out of my apartment, while on drugs. Even after that, she wasn't mad at me. She just wanted to help me quit drugs.
I knew how much I had ruined things, but I still kept realizing every day just how bad my situation was with her. I mean it. I knew of all the things I could have done to her, getting drugs was the worst. It was the same as cheating. And I would never cheat on her.
- "I'm sorry"- I whispered as (Y/N) parked her car back at the BAU. She looked at me for a second, it was the first time she had knowledge my existence since we left the store, though I had been sitting in the same car with her for over half an hour.
- "I know. But sorry it's not enough"- she replied and opened the door.
- "I miss you, chipmunk"- I said as I grabbed a few of the bags with groceries and she closed the car.
- "I know. But what do you want me to do? Forgive you and pretend you didn't break my heart?"
I broke her heart. I had sworn I was never going to do anything remotely close to it, but I did anyway. I didn't mean to, but I still did it. I didn't deserve her.
(Y/N) didn't wait for my reply, she just turned around and walked to the elevator, holding a bunch of paper bags. I followed her quickly and bit my lips. I knew no matter what I said, I wasn't going to fix anything with her that day. At least no there. I needed proof.
(Y/N)'s point of view
I never thought things would end up the way they did. I held a gin and tonic dad had made for me and sat by the pool in our backyard. Mom set a few things to eat at a table nearby, as Frank, Mikey, and Lu kept talking about their week.
When did I time travel and went back to college? 'Cos it felt like our old Fridays at home. My friends were always at my house, probably 'cos mom loved hosting and feeding them. Dad would stop by after his shift and put an eye on us, and if Phoenix didn't have a better plan, he would stay with us and play any random board game we picked.
Yes, it was sweet, but under the circumstances I was under, it felt odd. Specially 'cos neither dad nor my older brother knew what had happened with Spencer, and they kept asking me if he was going to join us any time soon.
- "Not today."- I replied and took a long sip of my drink. That was not how my first night off work was planned to be. But at that point, nothing was going according to plan.
- "What the hell? Is there something wrong?"- dad asked mom and I pretended I didn't listen.
- "No, they just argued. But everything is ok"- dad scoffed and lighted a cigarette.
- "I'm sure it's just pre-wedding anxiety."- mom didn't reply, she just stared at me and cut me a warm smile.
- "So what do you wanna play tonight?"- Mikey held a bunch of games and stared at us expectantly- "Catan for old days? Exploding kittens? Jenga?"
- "Anything but Scrabble"- Frank grabbed a beer and sat next to me- "Sorry, but playing with you, nugget, is the worst thing ever."- I just shook my head and sighed.
- "I'm not really in the mood for games. Can we just... do nothing?"
- "Oh come on, peanut! It's your last weekend as a single woman! Next Friday we are gonna be at the rehearsing dinner"- Phoenix stood behind me and shook my shoulders. His words weren't meant to hurt, but they did. I didn't want to think about the wedding. I still didn't know if I wanted to marry Reid. And I still didn't want to think about it.
- "How about a nice round of Uno and then we can watch a movie?"- Lu suggested and smiled at me- "Something you like, filled with gore and maybe zombies."
- "A movie sounds nice."- I replied and watched Mikey shuffling the cards- "Are you going out tonight?"- I asked my brother, who sat at the table with us and sipped his beer.
- "And miss all this fun? No way!"- he chuckled and looked at me for a few seconds more than usual. And I hated knowing he had realized there was something wrong with me. I was glad he didn't ask anything though, 'cos I didn't want to share my relationship issues with him. Not that I didn't trust him, I just knew he would get super mad at Reid, and probably in his "older brother mode," which mostly meant threatening to punch him for breaking my heart.
Mom and dad kept talking, god knows about what, as me and my friends- plus my brother- kept playing Uno, and somehow, I even had fun. Until the bell rang and I felt a chill run down my spine because I knew who was standing at the door. You didn't need to be a genius to figure it out.
Dad stood up to answer and I looked at my friends. They all knew what was coming, and I guess we were all trying to figure out how to avoid any argument in front of everybody.
- "Peanut, your husband is here!"- dad announced and tapped on Spencer's back as they walked to us, waving awkwardly. I don't think he thought everybody was going to be there that night.
I stood up and did the only thing that made sense: I tried to keep Spencer from talking with my family.
- "Hey, let's go inside."- I grabbed his arm, ready to drag him back into the house, but Phoenix stopped me.
- "My new brother!! Long time no see! Have a beer with me!"- Spencer looked at him and then at me. I tried to beg him with my eyes not to do anything stupid and for a second, I thought he had understood.
- "Hey Phoenix, nice to see you. I didn't know you were in town."
- "I asked for the entire week free for my little sister's wedding."- he answered proudly- "Besides, I am waiting for your bachelor party!"
- "I'm planning that!"- Frank announced, I don't know if he was serious or if that was his way to help me. It worked though, Phoenix turned to my friend and started asking what he had planned, and I dragged Spencer into the house in a second.
- "What are you doing here?"- I closed the kitchen door, trying to get some privacy.
- "Sorry, I didn't know you had company."- he said and opened his satchel- "I just stopped by to give you these."- he took a few envelopes and put them in my hand. I stared at them not getting what he was doing. So I stared at him and raised my eyebrows, waiting for an explanation.
- "I know you are not going to believe me when I tell you I haven't taken a drop of Dilaudid since you helped me recover, but I hope these will help you see how sober I am."
- "What are these?"
- "All the drug tests I managed to get done in these few days. There are urine, hair, and saliva drug tests in there. They are all negative."- I stayed still, staring at those envelopes for a few seconds, maybe minutes because it felt forever. And Spencer kept his eyes on me the entire time. Waiting for my reaction.
- "What do you want me to do now?"- I asked him finally- "Read the results and trust you again?"
- "These are proof I didn't do drugs, I didn't lie."
- "You did lie, you got the fucking drugs in the first place. You felt like you could start using it again and never told me about it. Why?"
Spencer opened his mouth, but no word came from it. He just stared at me with watered-up eyes, trying to gather his thoughts.
- "Fine, you never used it, but you bought it. You went behind my back and for a moment, you actually considered using it. You also never got rid of it. Until I found it, that shit was still in your jacket, ready for another moment of weakness."
- "Chipmunk, that's not what happened! Yes, I was weak and bought it, but as soon as I was home alone, ready to use it..."- Spencer wanted to tell her he had stopped because he realized it was a mistake. But the truth was, he stopped because Frank interrupted him.
- "Why didn't you trust me? Why did you keep it to yourself? We've been a team for so many years! Way before we started dating! I've always been there for you, you've always shared how you felt with me! Why did you stop?"- I tried not to yell, but failed. I had been trying to control my feelings and my thoughts for two days already, and I couldn't do it any longer.
- "I... I didn't want to look weak in front of you."- he confessed as tears started falling down his eyes- "I didn't want you to think you had a weak boyfriend."
- "I would have rather have an honest boyfriend"- I threw the envelopes on the kitchen island and stared at him, making my best effort not to cry.- "Now how do I trust you again?"
- "I am so sorry"- he murmured as he started sobbing. It broke my heart to look at him like that. He just closed his eyes and cried in front of me, knowing there was nothing he could say that might fix what he had done.
- "I didn't ask you that question to make you feel bad. I asked you 'cos I really want to know"- my chin quivered as I said those words- "How can I trust you again, Spencer? After you broke my heart? How can I marry you? How can I know you won't do it again?"
- "Peanut?"- I turned around and looked at my dad frowning. Next to him was my brother. And behind them, mom and my friends. They were all staring at the show.
- "Can you just leave us alone?"- I whispered and my friends quickly disappeared. But my family didn't even move.
- "What the hell is going on here? Why are you crying?"- Phoenix walked toward me and stood in front of Spencer, looking intimidating. I even wondered if he was still carrying his gun with him.
- "We were just talking"- I tried to explain and make lights off of the whole deal, but we were both crying and we had yelled, which clearly they had all heard.
- "What the fuck did you do to my sister?"- my brother didn't even try to have a conversation, he pushed Spencer back, and I quickly grabbed him and kept him away from Reid.
- "Stop, stop, he didn't do anything."
- "(Y/N), you are crying and yelling you are never going to trust him again, obviously he broke your heart!"- my brother argued and turned to Reid again- "What the fuck did you do? Did you cheat on her? 'Cos if you did, I'm gonna fucking kill you, and I'm not even kidding!"
- "Stop! Phoenix!"- I stood in front of Spencer and tried to shield him from any attack from my older brother.
- "This is between the two of us, it doesn't involve any of you! So just get out!"- I tried to sound firm, but instead, my voice broke and I sounded pathetic.
- "Peanut..."- dad said and looked at me concerned.
- "Chief (Y/L/N), Phoenix, I didn't cheat on her, but I did break her trust."- Spencer whispered as he tried to stop crying- "A few years back..."- and I cut him right there.
- "They don't have to know what happened."
- "But I wanna tell them, chipmunk. I love you, and I am ashamed of what happened. I want you to forgive me, and I want your family to forgive me for making you cry too."
His words moved me, and I couldn't say another word. I just stared at him wiping off the tears from his face as he stood in front of my dad and brother, confessing the one thing I never wanted either of them to know.
- "A few years ago I was kidnapped and tortured by an unsub. His name was Tobias Hankel. He was delusional and had split personalities. He drugged me for days, as a way to help me survive his torture. That's how I got hooked on Dilaudid. I struggled to quit for a few months after I was back to work. I had never used any substance before, and I don't think I would have been able to quit if it wasn't for (Y/N)."
Spencer paused his words and looked down at his hands for a moment. I knew that wasn't a subject that came easy for him to speak about, and I felt awfully guilty to know he was telling my family about it because he didn't want them to think he had cheated on me.
- "She was the only one who worried about me enough to show me how much I was hurting people with my behavior. And she even took time off work to help me rehab. I was already in love with her back then, but after that, I knew she was the only drug I wanted to be hooked on for the rest of my life."
Wow, I surely didn't see that kind of confession coming. He actually loved me even back then?
- "But a few months ago, when we found out our friend Prentiss had died, I had a moment of weakness and got Dilaudid again behind her back. I felt useless and hurt. And for a split second, I thought drugs were the way to cope with my pain. But I stopped. I didn't use a drop."
- "Spencer, please don't"- I whispered and he shook his head.
- "No, Chipmunk. I want them to know, 'cos I know I fucked up, but you made me better once, and you stopped me from using again. I love you and I knew you deserved a better man. Not a drug addict. So I didn't use the drugs I got and crawled back to her arms."
No one said a word. I'm sure no one saw it coming, not even close. Phoenix was clearly confused, and my dad was shocked. I wanted to hold Spencer's hand for courage but stopped myself. I was still mad at him, even after that confession.
- "But, as you can imagine, you can't hide anything from a profiler, and she found out what I had done. Now I am here begging for mercy because I can't picture life without her. I know I broke her trust and she is mad at me, but I'll wait forever if there is a chance she takes me back."
I looked at him and he cut me a short, sad smile.
- "I can not be without you, matter of fact"- he whispered, and my chest tightened. I just stared at him and felt my heart beating as hard as it could go.
- "Spencer, I think you should leave"- that was all my father said. I looked at him confused, I thought after Spencer's confession he would be nicer to him, but no. Apparently, that wasn't enough for either him or my brother.
Reid nodded and started walking. He looked at me and waved as I just stood there, motionless
- "I'm sorry to bother you."- that was all he said before he walked away. Mom followed him to the door as I stood in the middle of the kitchen, not knowing what to do.
- "Are you ok?"- dad asked and I shook my head- "Come here peanut, let's have a talk."
Dad held my hand and guided me back outside, where I had left my drink. I grabbed it and drank the entire thing without even breathing. I had never needed a drink as much as I did that minute. My friends looked at me from the side and cut me a sympathetic smile. Dad just walked toward me and asked:
- "After all I heard, I only have one question for you: Do you still wanna marry Doctor Reid?"
I opened my mouth to answer as I stared at him. I only nodded and broke into tears. No matter how hurt I was, I loved Spencer. He was the best person I had ever met, and I couldn't just let him go. I had waited for him for so long, and now that I had him, could I let him go due to drugs? I knew I was mad at him, I knew I had said I couldn't trust him... but I loved Spencer more than I loved life itself. I didn't want to go through life without him.
Dad opened his arms and hugged me. And for once, I didn't argue or even struggled. I just let him embrace me and wrap me in his arms. I didn't even notice when I started crying, I just realized when mom handed me a kleenex box.
- "I'm so mad at him, dad, but I love him so much"- I mumbled and he just nodded.
- "I know, peanut, I know."
- "Please don't hate him!"
- "Come on, how could I? Did you see what that kid just did? He faced your entire family just to make sure we all knew he didn't cheat on you."- I looked at him and dad ran his fingers across my cheeks, wiping off the tears that kept falling.
- "But... he just told you he had a drug problem and you kicked him out."
- "Because I wanted to talk to you. He loves you, you love him. You made him a better man and he gives you joy"- dad smiled at me and looked right into my eyes- "I've loved Spencer from day one not only because he was clearly in love with you, but because he made you happy. You loved him way before you even admitted it. He always took care of you out there, on the field. And I know he would die just to keep you safe."
- "Dad..."- I argued 'cos I felt embarrassed, but he continued his speech.
- "Yes, he is fucked up, and he made a huge mistake, but he loves you. Not just with words, but with acts."
- "I know, dad."- I managed to mumble.
- "And believe me, I know it's hard to trust someone who broke your heart, but it's easier when it's someone who is willing to do anything he can to rebuild that trust."
- "But what if he fucks up again?"- I whispered and looked down at my hands. Mom walked over and wrapped an arm around my waistline, moving me closer to her.
- "My baby. You don't know that. Even if you hadn't had this argument with Spencer, you would had never known if he was ever going to fail you. When you love someone, you can only give them your heart and wish he never fails you."
It was odd hearing my divorce parents giving me couple's advices. But I always knew they got along after their divorce, and somehow, in a very weird, personal way, they still loved each other.
- "Besides, I'm pretty sure he knows if he breaks your heart, I'm gonna kill him."- Phoenix added and lighted another cigarette.
- "I'm not sure he knows you don't wanna kill him now."- I pointed out and poured myself another drink.
- "That's the idea. He has to live in complete fear. Never tell him I'm happy you are gonna marry him."- my brother winked and I frowned confused.
My whole family now knew Spencer had drug issues in the past. And no one actually cared. Why? Was it because they all thought highly best of him? Because they all knew just how much he loved me?
My family was well aware of how much Spencer loved me, and they all gave us their blessing, in a very odd and awkward way.
Spencer's point of view
Saturday morning found me awake, sitting on the floor of the apartment, surrounded by books. I didn't sleep at all the night before. I just tried to keep myself busy reading to avoid thinking and overanalyzing what had happened. But I knew I was screwed.
(Y/N)'s parents were now aware I was a drug addict, and that I had failed their daughter. There was no way our wedding was ever going to happen now. I was sure. So I just stared around the apartment we had shared for a few months, thinking I should have known better from the start. When had I ever been this happy? It was clear this bliss was not meant for me. It had never had, and I would never be.
I noticed the sun was already shining outside my windows, a few rays of light sneaking between the curtains. I groaned and didn't move from my spot against the wall. The floor was cold and uncomfortable, but I didn't think I deserved better. I grabbed the book I had been re-reading for the hundredth time that night: (Y/N)'s copy of Pride and Prejudice. I held it close to my chest, like I dreamt of doing with her, and closed my eyes.
Time didn't seem to pass fast enough, but I didn't care. I didn't have anything to do or anywhere to go. I didn't even move to make myself a cup of coffee. I just held that book with my life and sat on the floor. Until a sound on the door made me jump. It was a key opening the lock. I whipped my head and held my breath. Slowly, the door opened and (Y/N)'s silhouette appeared by the frame. She looked around, searching for something.
- "Hey"- I whispered from my spot and slowly stood up. (Y/N) walked in and closed the door behind her back. She stayed still in the middle of the room not saying a word. I glued my eyes to her, not knowing what to say. Why was she there? To pick us her stuff? If that was the case, I didn't want to stay around.
- "What happened here?"- she questioned me and pointed at the mess I had created.
- "I... needed to... couldn't find a book"- that was my lousy explanation.
- "And then a tornado crushed the entire place"- she added and I smiled looking down, embarrassed.
- "Yeah, something like that."
There was a weird silence among us. I didn't know what to say. Until the smell of coffee captured all my senses and I noticed she was carrying a tray.
- "I brought you breakfast"- she whispered and slowly moved to the kitchen, the only place that was safe from the mess I had created. I followed her in silence and watched her unpack two cups of coffee, a bagel, and a muffin.
- "Thank you"- I replied as she gave me all the food. She just sipped her cup of coffee and looked at me. I grabbed the bagel and took a bite. Just then I realized I hadn't eaten in over a day. I had survived only on coffee and herbal tea.
She didn't comment on it, but I'm sure she noticed I was starving. Probably that's why she bought my favorite breakfast. I chewed in silence. She held her cup of coffee with both hands and didn't say a word for a few minutes. Until she whispered:
- "Ok, now we can talk."
And I immediately choke on my bagel.
I coughed and drank a sip of my coffee, trying to recover my breath.
- "Are you ok?"- she asked and started hitting me in the back right in the middle of the shoulder blades.
- "Yes... thank you."- I cleared my throat and (Y/N) gave me a glass of water, one I drank rather quickly.
- "Sure?"
- "Yeah, just..."- I cut her a short smile as finished my water.- "So you wanna talk, finally."- (Y/N) nodded and put her coffee down. I stared at her, resting against the counter just staring at her hands for a few minutes. I was scared, terrified actually, of her decision, but I was willing to find out just to stop the pain and the agony of the unknown.
- "Yes."- (Y/N) whispered and took a deep breath- "I'm sorry."
My heart broke with those words. She was apologizing 'cos she was about to end things for good. I stared at her, fighting the tears back, and lowered my eyes.
- "I'm sorry I ran from you all these days, but I just couldn't find a way to talk to you. I was beyond mad at you. You lied to me and went behind my back."- she enumerated my mistakes as I simply heard her sentencing my fate.
- "I understand."- that was all I managed to say.
- "You have no idea how I felt when I discovered that bottle, Spencer."- she continued talking and I glued my eyes to my feet as she did- "I was hurt and disappointed. You broke my heart."
- "I'm sorry."- I mumbled and felt how the tears started falling from my eyes, soaking my cheeks.
- "Why did you do it?"- I just shook my head at her question.
- "I don't know."
- "Yes, you do. You said you didn't want me to think I had a weak boyfriend."- she added and I whipped off the tears from my cheeks. Not the strongest action against that statement, I must add.
- "I'm sorry I couldn't be who you needed."- I murmured. And that was all I managed to say.
- "I never asked you to be anything, Spencer. I just wanted you to love me."
- "And I love you! so much!"- my words sounded so pathetic as I spoke the out loud. It was so hard to maintain that conversation, 'cos I just wanted to hug (Y/N) and burst into tears. But she remained still, standing against the counter, arms crossed on her chest.
- "Then why couldn't you tell me the truth? Why did you go behind my back?"- (Y/N) questioned me and I heard her voice break as she did. I was too ashamed to look her in the eyes and explain everything.
- "I... I don't know! 'Cos you deserved better than a wreak boyfriend who kept thinking about using drugs to avoid the pain of losing a friend, and the terror of not being good enough to keep you safe!"
I ended up confessing and grabbed my coffee cup. It was too early to drink, though it felt like a good time for a whisky. But the coffee should be enough.
- "I was so scared this could ever happen!"- (Y/N) sobbed after a few seconds, and I finally looked at her.
Her eyes were red, filled with tears. She wrapped her own arms around her waist, holding herself the way I wanted to hold her. It hurt to look at her in so much pain. A pain I knew I had inflected.
- "I never imagined it would be this bad, but I was scared that us dating would affect what we had before."- (Y/N) mumbled. I stared at her in silence, not getting what she was talking about.
- "When we were friends, we could tell each other anything. Everything that ever happened to us. And when we started dating I feared for a moment that might change. But then everything was perfect, and you were great, and I was happy... why couldn't you just tell me how you felt? Why did you keep this from me?"
- "I'm so sorry"- I sobbed and heard (Y/N) whimpering. I don't know how I managed to move from my spot, but my urges to comfort her were stronger than anything I had ever felt before.
So I held her.
I wrapped my arms around her body and moved her against me, keeping her as close as possible. I hadn't felt her this near in days and my entire being ached for her. As corny as that sounds, it was a fact. I knew right there I was definitely never going to be able to live without her. Not because I didn't want to, but because I needed her in more ways than I could even imagine.
- "I'm sorry too"- (Y/N) mumbled against my chest as I kept her secured in my arms.
- "Why are you sorry? You didn't do anything wrong"- I whispered and kissed the top of my head, only because I couldn't hold myself back for a moment.
- "I'm sorry I didn't support you when you felt bad."- she moved from my arms and looked at me, and those pretty eyes were so honest and painfully beautiful, I just stared at her speechless.
- "I'm sorry I couldn't be the girlfriend you deserve. I got mad and yelled, and I refused to talk to you... I shouldn't had."
I cupped her face with both my hands and ran my thumbs down her cheeks, cleaning her soft skin from any tear that fell from her eyes. She wasn't joking, she was sorry for real. And I couldn't even begin to explain how wrong she was for apologizing over something like that.
- "You didn't do anything wrong, chipmunk. I was the one who ruined everything."- I whispered, but she shook her head, ready to argue with me.
- "You didn't feel like telling me what was wrong. That was my fault as well."- she replied and bit her lower lip, trying not to cry.
- "Never say that again. None of this was your fault. I was weak, and I didn't want to be a burden."
- "You felt like you couldn't tell me something. That has to be in part my fault."- I shook my head and lost myself in her eyes, as she looked at me, pleading for forgiveness, even when she shouldn't- "I hurt you, honey bunny. I will never forgive myself for that."
- "Please, don't say that."- I kissed her forehead as tears blurred my vision- "You were nothing but wonderful to me every day we were together."- I whispered and felt staring at her in adoration as she wide opened her eyes and gasped.
- "We... were together?"- she muttered and tears filled her eyes as she stared right at me.
- "I... you.. when we..."- why was it so hard for me to put myself together around her?- "I... I understand if you don't want to..."
- "But I want to"- her whisper was a ray of hope that hit and woke me, filling me with an energy I hadn't felt ever since I lost her.
- "You... still love me?"- I asked her and she nodded right away. I smiled at her, feeling my eyes fill with tears. I leaned in and rested my forehead against hers as her hands clinging around my neck. My heart was beating so hard inside my chest, finally, I felt alive again.
- "And do you still want to marry me?"- I whispered, still a little scared of her answer.
- "I do, if you want to."- (Y/N) answered and smiled at me for a second, looking incredibly nervous of my answer.
- "I want to, so much"- I quickly replied and crushed my lips against her instantly. I held her even closer, if possible, and kissed her with all the passion and love I could, rubbing my lips against her and slipping my tongue into her mouth in a second. I didn't want to waste time. I couldn't hold myself. I felt that my sould was back inside my body, and my heart was finally complete. She loved me, she was going to marry me. She wasn't going to leave my side.
- "I love you so much, (Y/N)"- I murmured against her lips. I kept both my hands on her cheeks, scared she might realize she was making a mistake and could try to escape from me. But instead. She tangled her fingers in my hair and moaned.
- "I love you, I love you"- she repeated as she continued kissing me. I moved my hands from her face to her waist and lifted her, sitting her on the counter. She gasped and giggled as I did, never breaking the kiss for longer than a few seconds to catch our breath.
I rested my hands on her waist and kept them there as we kissed. It was passionate, but still very sweet. I wanted everything of her, I had missed her kisses, her body, her presence, and her entire being. I didn't know how to take it all in again, I just knew I needed to catch up on every kiss I had missed during our fight.
- "I promise I'm never keeping anything from you again"- I whispered and she nodded. She continued kissing me, as her hands caressed my cheeks softly.
- "I promise I'll be more supportive. You can tell me anything."- she mumbled and then started kissing my neck. My weakest spot.- "I'll be the best wife you ever dreamed of."
I couldn't answer that, I just groaned and kissed her deeper. My hands moved slowly from her waist to the gem of her t-shirt and started taking it off. And that's when she stopped me.
- "Wait."- she gasped for air and held both my hands.
- "What is it?"- I tried to kiss her neck, but she moved from me.
- "I want us to wait."
- "Wait for what?"- I think all the blood in my body was focused on my lower half, 'cos I was being really dumb.
- "Wait to have sex again, until we are married."- (Y/N) explained and I was in shock.
- "B... but.. What... why?"- I mumbled and widened my eyes, staring at her. (Y/N) blushed and bit her lips, making it even harder for me to control myself. I was dying to bite her lips as well.
- "It's just a week. And I think if we wait to do it again until we are married, it would make it all more special."
I stared at her, trying to make sense of what she was saying. All I needed that minute was to feel her body against mine and to kiss every inch of her skin. I had missed her, I craved for her. And she wanted me to wait for an entire week?!
- "Don't you think?"- (Y/N) asked and raised an eyebrow. I kept trying to find the right words to tell her how I felt, but I still felt like walking around eggshells with her. So I sighed and nodded.
- "Sure. It will make it more special."
I was doomed.
- "I know it's gonna be hard, honey bunny. I've missed you so much all these days we've been apart"- (Y/N) kissed me softly, and sucked my lower lip as she parted from me- "But just imagine how hot our wedding night is gonna be."
- "So hot"- I whispered and kissed her fiercely one more time. I moved my hand underneath her t-shirt and she stopped me right before I could reach her bra.
- "I told you, honey bunny. I wanna wait."
- "But I don't think I can wait."- I kissed her neck and she giggled as I did. She wrapped her arms around my neck, stopping my advances as she stared at me. I sighed and looked into her eyes. She wasn't kidding.
- "Trust me, this is not easy for me either. But..."- her hands held my cheeks, stopping me from kissing her neck any longer. She just looked me in the eyes and smiled- "But it's just for a few days."
- "I don't think I'm gonna be able to hold myself sleeping with you for the next few days and not touching you, ma cherie."- I whispered and my fingers played with her soft skin underneath her shirt. She bit her lower lip staring at me with an innocent look in her eyes.
- "I know, me neither. That's why I won't be sleeping with you until our wedding night."
My balls turned blue in a second.
I stopped and frowned. She was smiling mischievously. She knew what she was doing to me, and she was enjoying it.
- "But... why?"- I whispered. (Y/N) started caressing my hair, playing with my scalp and with my hair between her fingers. I hummed and nearly melted at her touch, as I waited for her answer.
- "We are going to spend the rest of our lives together, honey. I want you to miss me a little before the big day, that way, you won't get tired of me that quickly."
I shook my head as I heard her and rested my forehead against hers for a second.
- "I would never get tired of you, I swear."- my voice was a whisper. I knew I was pleading, but she couldn't just come and deny me what I was craving the most: her.
- "Come on, let's go out. We have to pick up your tux."- she said and kissed the top of my nose. (Y/N) jumped from the counter and grabbed my hand. Cleary, that was a fight I was never going to win, and maybe she still wanted to torture me for what I had done to her. And maybe, she was right.
- "Saturday night, we are gonna leave that party early"- I warn her and hear her giggling- "I am not going to be able to keep my hands off you."
- "Are you that needy, honey?"- she teases and crawls me out of the kitchen.
- "Yes"- I mumble and feel how my pants are immediately tighter. Again.
- "But you have to be a good boy until next friday"- she replies and winks- "Now, let's clean this mess and then we'll pick your tux, ok?"
Morgan would have made fun of me, 'cos I was whipped. And he was right. It was no secret, I would do anything and everything I could to make (Y/N) happy.