hey guys!! im so sorry for not updating, things have been so hectic lately...
⚘ Know you. ⚘
"Are you sure you will be okay?" He asks, again.
I let out a groan. "Yes, I'm totally sure. You can go." I say.
"You don't want to come?" He asks, again.
"Felix." I say. I take his hands. "I'm tired. It's been a long day. We performed less than an hour ago, the last thing I need is to go to an after party." I say to him.
We are currently in the hall of the apartment building, and I'm begging Felix to let me go inside. He wants to go to an after party for the competition, with a couple of the guys. Jeongin, Chan and Changbin, to be specific.
"You should go and have fun for me." I say. "I'm gonna go to bed now."
He sighs. "Okay." He says, stepping out of the way so I can get to the door. "But I will miss you!"
I open the door before chucking. "I don't doubt you will." I step inside the apartment. "Don't get too drunk, bye. Love you." I drag out before closing the door in his face.
I take a deep breath. I lean my head against the door, just taking a minute for myself. It's been such a long week. A long month, at that. I need a break. I'm so looking forward to the next couple of days I get off.
I stand up straight, locking the door and taking off my coat. I hang it up next to Minho's, which is when I realize that he is also home. He didn't go to the party, that's right.
My body reacts a certain way to that. I don't like it, but I find myself getting nervous. I kind of also feel... excited? I don't know.
I shake it off, before stepping into the kitchen. I freeze. Minho raises his head, looking at me as he sits at the counter. I just stare. What is he doing? And why does he look so upset?
He clears his throat. "I need to talk to you."
I don't know what to say. I don't speak, and I don't even react. I'm scared, if I'm being fully honest. I'm scared for what he wants to talk about. What is going to happen?
I inhale a breath. "Um. Okay.." I say.
"We need to talk..." he clears his throat, looking at me with a firm look. "About us."
Oh no. Oh god no.
"Minho I—"
"Please just let me talk." He says, standing up abruptly.
It scares me. I flinch, backing away a bit. His reaction when he sees me flinch isn't a good one. He looks sad, questioning as well. "Why don't you let me speak? Or come near you, at that."
He is talking in a softer tone now, like he's just trying to get answers. He seems like he just wants to know. He doesn't want to argue, he doesn't want to make me cry, he just wants to know.
"Because I know how it ends." I say, my voice breaking. I'm already about to cry. I'm so pathetic. I clear my throat, inhaling as well. "It always ends the same. We fuck, we talk, we fight, we leave."
"I'm sick of it." I say. "I'm done, Minho."
"I'm sick of it too," he says, gently. He takes another step, and I don't back away this time. He takes in a breath, "I'm so sick of it. I'm sick of the fighting, sick of you ignoring me, and I'm sick of regretting it."
"Minho I can't do this." I say, staring to slowly shake my head.
My throat is closing up, and my eyes are starting to water. I cross my arms, bringing one hand up to play with my necklace. I need to distract myself. Right now— because if I don't, I will cry in front of him and I'm sick of that.
"Please Hyunjin," He says. He takes another step, and he is arms reach away. "I don't want to do this anymore. I just want to talk. I want to work this out. Because I.... I think.." he stops.
He bites his lip. "I think I might be staring to fall in love with you."
I want to break down in tears. My heart stops beating, my lungs collapse, my throat runs dry. I just stand there, hold my breath.
My whole body just freezes. He doesn't do anything, but his face falls. I think he is starting to regret saying that. I hope he is. I can't do this right now.
"Why are you doing this to me?" I try to say normally, but a cracky whisper comes out instead.
"Hyunjin I—"
"Why? Minho why?" I start to raise my voice. "Why now? Why did you not do this when I wanted it? Why do you have to pull this now?" I say, staring to get emotional.
"I didn't know then." He stays calm.
"Bullshit!" I yell. "I think this is bullshit. You're lying to me. You're just doing this to play, this is you lying to me to get what you want." I cry.
"I wouldn't do that to you." He steps to me, taking my hands. "I would never do that to you. I am being serious right now."
"You're lying." I rip my hands away from him. I turn away
I don't know if he is actually lying, but it feels like it's all bullshit. I've been waiting so long for this to the point that it feels like a lie when I actually get it. There's no way. He's lying to me.
"Please." He begs, following me. He stands in front of me, taking my hands again. "Please just listen to me." He begs, getting on the floor.
I don't want too. I don't want to listen because I might fall for whatever bullshit he is trying to pull.
It feels like the story of the boy who cried wolf. He has done something like this every time. He's made me feel like I'm special, he's done special things— and then it was all fake in the end.
So now, here, it feels like the same. He's just doing this for himself. He only does this when he wants to get in me. He is lying, just like every other time. He's going to stay the same. It's not going to change.
"Please." He looks up at me while he's on his knees, holding my hands. "Please can you just listen to me. I know I fucked up the other times, I know I never followed through, but this time I will. I promise if you just will listen to me... I'll tell you the truth. I promise you, Hyunjin."
I look down into his eyes, as he looks up at me. I see the way they shine, the tears begging to fall. I see the way he is trying to stay strong. I see the way he wants to talk.
I see that he is being honest.
I might know a lot about Minho; I might not know his favorite color or his deepest fears, but I know the way his mind works. I know the way his face reacts, I know the way his eyes speak to somebody. I know Minho, just not in the typical ways.
And I know, maybe, maybe half sure, I know that he is being genuine. He's on his knees, his eyes doing the begging for him. He is serious. I've never seen him more serious.
Maybe it's time.
For us.
"Please." His voice is weak. "Just let me tell you how much you mean to me." His head falls, resting on my hands.
"Was it worth it?" I ask.
He raises his head, his brows furrowed. "If you're asking me if begging you is worth it, yes. Yes it is. Because if it's a chance, slim or thick, if it's just a chance— I'll beg all night. All week, all month."
"I'm asking you if making me wait was worth it." I say firmly, correcting him. "You can beg all you want, but I will never forgive you for what you put me through in the beginning. I'm asking you if that was worth it."
"Was it worth making me think you hate me?" I ask. "Was it worth making me cry? Was it worth fucking me only to leave? Was it worth confusing me, throwing me all these mixed signals? Was it worth it, Minho?"
"It was worth it if it means I get you now." He says, nodding his head. "If I get you now, if you just let me speak, it will all be worth it. And I might regret what I did, but if it ends with you giving me a chance, I will release all regret."
A tear falls down his cheek.
I watch it as it makes its way down his cheek, falling off his face. He's crying. That's how frustrated he is right now. He's crying because of me. I'm making him cry because I won't give him a chance.
I think it's time. That was all I needed.
"Promise me this is forever." I say softly, my own tears ready to fall. "If you can promise me that, I'll give you my everything, Minho. I'll let you ruin me as long as it's forever."
"I will never ruin you." He says, standing up. He brings his hands to cup my face, looking into my eyes. "I will never hurt you again. This time I'm ready."
He looks hesitant, but he raises his face. He kisses my forehead. The kiss feels like it was all over my body. It makes my heart start beating again, it makes me able to breath, it revives me.
This is it. I'm here. We made it.
He lowers his face back to mine. I look into his eyes as he looks into mine. I see a small smile staring to form on his face. His thumb starts to caress my cheek, and I lean into the touch. I feel my tears fall, but they aren't sad anymore.
"I promise you, this is forever." He says, softly smiling as he looks at me. "No matter what, I will not let this fail. I want you, I need you. I can't give up on you, on us."
"I don't want this to turn out like last time." I say. "I really want this Minho. Since day one, I have wanted this."
He takes a deep breath. He takes his hands away from my face, and uses them to hold my hands. His head falls, his eyes on our hands together. He clears his throat.
"You remember what you said to me?" He asks. He raises his head to look at me. "To be loved, is to be known." He says. "Hyunjin. I want to know you."
I suck in a breath. I rub my lips together as he continues to talk.
"I want to know you, everything you. I already know your body, the way you like to be touched. I know the way you like you're food, the way you like the room cold at night. Yet that's not enough." He says.
"I want to know you. What makes you, you. What is driving me so crazy, what makes me want to touch you, what makes you keep the room cold. I know the things, but I want to know the why's and what's."
"And I promise you, this time is forever. However long 'forever' is." He says.
I chuckle, but it turns into me crying. My head falls into his chest, and I lean into him as I cry. He doesn't say anything more, he just holds me. His arms wrap around me, and he holds me close to him.
This is all I needed. I needed to it was more than I thought. I needed to know he wanted this, that he needed it as much as I did.
I pull away from him. He looks at me again, a small smile on his face. He wipes my tears with his thumb, his own falling. "I would kiss you, but I don't want to repeat history. I want this time to be different."
"I don't care if we repeat history." I say. "Because it will actually mean something this time."
"Then let me kiss you this time." He says, as he leans into me.
His lips interlock with mine, and my eyes fall shut. It's passionate and full of genuine feeling for each other. It's not rushed, because we know we will be able to have each other again.
Or at least I hope so.
—
this isn't the ending!!!
actually.. it might be.. idk i have sooo much more planned but im kinda sick of this book