⚘ I love you? ⚘
This is the second time already. I've known him less than two months, and have hooked up with him twice already. I feel like I should have waited, or should have just not done it.
It's not the sex I regret, no way— the sex was amazing. It's the way that I gave myself to him so easily, that I regret. I didn't know who he was, or what we were, when I gave myself— my full self— to him.
I don't.. regret it...
It's just...
I wish I would have..
I wish we were...
I wish we would have been something,
before we did one of the biggest things we could do.
The water starts to spill out of the pot, and I curse under my breath. I take the pot off the heat, stirring the noodles when they're off the burner. I groan, as the water sizzles on the burner.
Minho comes into the room, chuckling. "Be careful, baby." He says, wrapping his arms around me.
Baby.
There it is again. The mixed signals.
I wasn't his baby the other day when we were ignoring each other. I wasn't when I walked into the studio ever day. I was the one he hated then. I was a punching bag to him then.
Yet now, suddenly I'm his baby. After we kissed in a hallway, danced in the sheets, and said sweet things to each other. I don't know. It's like he only wants me when I want or need him. I think he likes the idea of me wanting him, because he doesn't want me.
His head falls into my neck, kissing the skin. I flinch, leaning away a bit. My whole body tenses up at his sudden affection. I don't know why. The thoughts in my head, and what he is doing— do not mix well.
He notices, lifting his head from my neck. "You okay?" He asks, in a softer than usual voice.
I take a deep breath. "I'm fine." I say.
He pulls away from me completely. I already miss the warmth. I especially miss the warmth when he turns me around, and I see his face. He looks into my eyes, an interrogating look.
"No, you're not." He says, tilting his head. "What's wrong? Did.. did I do something again?"
I bite my lip. "Um.." I say, taking a deep breath. "Let's.. let's just talk about it later." I turn around, going back to the noodles I was making. "We should eat these first, they might become—"
He turns me around again suddenly. He holds me by my waist, looking into my eyes. "No, let's talk now. I can't wait. What's wrong? What did I do?"
I shake my head. "No, Minho.." I pause, looking up at him. "It's not you." I put my hands on each side of his jaw. "It's just.. uh—"
I didn't want to do this now.
I was supposed to be making us a late night snack, after we had a great night. I am wearing his shirt as he slurps the noodles, and I watch him with a smile. That was supposed to be what we do. Not this.
I shake my head. "I don't know. I just think we went a little.. too fast...." I say, carefully.
I feel like if I say the wrong thing, this whole thing will turn the way it doesn't need to go. I don't want to argue. I just want to talk. I want him to understand that.
I want us to restart. I know we have something special, and have done more with each other than most people do— but I don't want us to start this way. We should be slow.. if we are actually going to start something.
But that's the problem. I know what I want, but I have no idea what he wants. I don't even know if he likes me the way I think I like him. That's what we need to talk about, if we are on the same page.
"Too fast?" He asks, tilting his head. He doesn't seem mad, he seems calm. He seems understanding. "Too fast? What do you mean too fast?"
"I just think.. maybe we should take it slower." I say, looking down to the floor. "I think.. we shouldn't have done what we did when we did.."
"W—"
I snap my head up. "But I don't regret it!" I clarify, making him stop taking. "I don't regret it and I never will, because I really like it. I really like it all.. it's just.. I really wish I knew.. what it all was?"
I look into his eyes, hoping he understands what I am trying to say to him. What he says next will probably determine everything. I will know if he thinks what I think, if he wants what I want, I will know it all.
He furrows his eyebrows, pulling away from me. My hands fall, and I start to worry. He opens his mouth to speak, but closes it soon after. He clears his throat. "What it all was?" He asks, softly.
"Yeah.." I say. "What.. was it? What are we?"
"We?" He asks. "There's a we? Hyunjin I—"
"There's not a we?" I ask, my voice cracking.
He looks sad now, worried even. He inhales, looking away from me. "Hyunjin, I didn't know..." he looks back to me. "I didn't know there was supposed to be a... we." He tilts his head.
My mouth parts. I inhale a breath. "There wasn't a we? I thought that.. okay." I sigh. "Okay, forget it then." I turn back around.
"But we still can—"
"Minho." I raise my voice, snapping around. "No. We can't." I say firmly. "Because it's killing me, you don't understand."
He takes a step back. "What? What do you mean?"
He doesn't seem angry. He just seems confused. His chest is going up and down, as he breaths a bit faster than usual.
His reaction gives it all away. How could I have been so blind? This whole time, I was thinking it was something way more serious than it was. I feel kinda.. let down.
"I think I'm staring to like you, Minho." I say, a painful chuckle following in my words. I feel my eyes start to water. I feel all the emotions hitting me. I take a deep breath.
"That's what I mean. It's getting hard to do.. this.. because it's starting to affect me in the ways it shouldn't. And I know, it's my own fault. But sometimes... you make it feel like it's not one sided."
"I—"
"Let me just finish." I shake him off. I stand up straight. "It's just.. when you say you want me, you make it seem like you want more than my body. When you kiss me, hug me, touch me.. it feels so real. Not like.. like what it is." I say, a tear falling down my cheek.
"So because of that.. I can't do this anymore." I shake my head, as another tear falls. My throat is clogging. "I want to stop this. Whatever it is, it needs to end."
"Hyunjin.." he shakes his head. "I like this. I like being able to have you.. why can't we just continue this?" He asks, taking a step forward.
"Because it's hurting me." I sob. I take a step away, shaking my head. "You're confusing me."
"We can still do this." He shakes his head, his own voice starting to become scratchy. It's confusing me. "It doesn't matter what we are, we can still have each other. I won't reject you.."
"Minho, can you just try to listen to what I'm saying?" I raise my voice a bit. "It's hurting me. It's really hurting me. Because I want this to be something it isn't. You don't get that. Continuing this the way it is.." I shake my head. "I can't do it. Not after this conversation. I won't do it."
I raise my head to look into his eyes, and he looks so worried. He starts to shake his head. I swear, I can see tears in his eyes. I don't know why he would be crying, though. So maybe it's just the way the light hits him.
"Do you want me to say I love you or something I—" he shakes his head. "I don't know."
"No, Minho." I sob, shaking my head.
I don't think he understands.
A part of me wants to just walk away right now. He isn't listening. I want to come back when he will really listen. He just keeps saying it doesn't matter, like he just wants to continue this secret thing. I don't. I hate it. I'm sorry Minho, but I won't do it.
"Why not?" He asks. "Why do you have to do this?
"Because you'd be lying." I say, a small voice. "You don't love me at all. To be loved, is to be known.." I take a deep breath. "And you don't know me. At all. You haven't even bothered to get to know me. That's the problem. So what do you think that says about your 'love' for me?"
"I don't know Hyunjin!" He raises his voice, yelling at me now. "I really don't know, but I don't want this to stop. We don't need to end this right now."
"Are you even listening to me?!" I scream, my cracky voice shutting him up immediately.
He looks at me, so many emotions. His chest is rising and falling faster than before, his lips parted. He looks like a train wreck. His face is so.. I don't know. It hurts me to see him like this.. and not know why exactly he feels like this. Why does he seem to upset over this? I thought he didn't care?
"I—"
"Do I even mean anything.." I'm speaking quieter now, my voice unsteady. I look into his eyes, a serious face. "Anything.. to you?"
He sucks in a breath. It's subtle, and I wouldn't have even noticed if I wasn't staring at him. He opens his mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I watch as he closes it again, just staring back at me.
He doesn't speak. It's silent for almost a full minute.
I start to get angry at him.
"Answer me!" I yell.
I wait for him to say something, god— anything. But nothing. I get nothing. It's like he is trying to speak with me another way, like his face. It's scrunched, worried. But I want words. Words, Minho. Words.
I look over to the counter, seeing the spatula. I act out of impulse. I grab it, throwing it at him as I yell. "God dammit, why won't you answer me?!" I scream, breaking down in tears again.
I don't mean to yell. I don't mean to get aggressive, but it's what it's coming too. It's not right. I know that, it's not right to throw things— but he is making me want too right now.
"Fuck, Minho." I scream. "Please?! Just say anything!" I beg.
I'm begging.
But...
Nothing.
"What is wrong with you?" I ask, my voice completely broken and almost a whisper. "Do I really mean nothing?"
I breath heavily, my chest feeling like it's collapsing or something. Through all of this, the door opens. Jisung comes walking in, but freezes when he sees me.
His face immediately falls, a worried expression. I'm crying, sobbing even, as I breath heavily. His head turns to Minho, as he turns to me. He drops his bag, wrapping his arms around me.
I don't see what happens next. I let myself fall into Jisung, sobbing into his neck.
"Oh my god." He says. "What the hell happened?" He asks, raising his voice a bit.
"I—" I hear Minho speak.
I pull away from Jisung, interrupting Minho. "I need to go." I say, sniffling.
As I pull away, getting ready to leave, I feel him grab my wrist. His steps get closer before his hand is around my wrist, tightly. "Hyunjin, wait..—"
I snap inside. I rip my hand from him. "Don't fucking touch me." I say, a firm voice. I didn't raise my voice, I didn't yell, I said it completely broken. I can't even bring myself to yell anymore.
I leave the room.
I leave them.
I leave..
Him.