Instead of piling out of the car and rushing to get an amazing lunch, the first few minutes at Gresham Wold were spent sitting in the car, peering at a hive of activity around one of the toilet blocks. There were a dozen vehicles, and flashing lights that made it hard to see what was going on, but we could still make out the uniforms.
"Think they had a robbery?" Lindy said. "It's like when that guy drove his truck into the Walkerville post office."
"I don't think there's anything to steal there," Mum said with a laugh. "Maybe there was an accident? I feel bad just staring, I hope nobody was hurt. Is there an ambulance up there, or is it just police?"
"Right," Hugo nodded. "We can't guess, can we. We'd better mind our own business for now. Maybe we'll hear something when we go to get food. Do you know what they serve here?"
"Bacon!" I cheered. "Sausages! All the good stuff!"
"We always stop here," Mum explained with a laugh. "It's the first and last highlight of the trip for these two. Their breakfast items are pretty legendary. I do hope they're still open."
"But I think..." I mumbled, leaning forward a little so I could see Lindy in the front seat. She hadn't said anything yet, which was unusual even if she had a pacifier in her mouth. "I think maybe we need diaper changes first. Don't want to get a rash."
Lindy nodded slightly, though she was still too embarrassed to say it. Mum lay her down in the back of the car to change, and Lindy put her hands over her face, as if hiding her blushes would diminish her embarrassment. The mittens made it a little easier to conceal her face, but I could tell just how embarrassed she was. I was doubting my judgement again, not sure whether she would secretly be enjoying this. I thought that I should try to offer her a little choice, so that she could be comfortable without having to say anything.
"Have we got time to go for a walk in the woods?" I said. "While it's not too late in the afternoon. It might be better to go without diapers for a half hour or something, get changed again before we set off."
"Yeah," Lindy said. "So it's easier to walk around. We can have food, get a little walk, then get changed again before we head home."
"Okay," Mum said, after a few seconds looking back and forth between us. "If I can trust both of you to act like big girls. We'll save some time, I think."
She helped Lindy out of the car, and then we set off along one of the wood-chip paths that criss-crossed the parking area. I was waddling slightly, still in my diaper; but Mum thought that if we were being big girls for lunch, it would be easier to change me when we got to the facilities. It gave us an excuse to take a closer look at all the cops, as well. One of them came up and asked us if we had seen anything abnormal; but of course they knew that we had arrived after whatever they were looking into. One guy showed us a picture of a little girl, and asked us to keep an eye out for her while we were in the area. They were searching the woods, but I knew that there were so many paths here that a comprehensive search would be difficult.
I changed out of my diaper quickly enough, using the more-spacious disabled stall. It felt weird not to have any protection now; I half wished that I'd brought one of the pull-ups with me. But I knew that I should get used to being dressed normally again, before I had to go back to school. When I came back, we got sandwiches and coffee, and sat on one of the picnic tables spread around the clearing. The food was excellent as always; enough to take our minds off the search for a lost child going on around us.
"Why don't we walk around while we eat?" Lindy said, after a few minutes. "I mean, we could walk around the woods, watch for squirrels, and maybe help them look for this little girl as well."
"Yeah!" I cut in before Mum could say anything. "It would be good to walk. We could even take different paths, so we cover more ground." I glanced over at Hugo, and squeezed his hand under the table. Would he be able to tell that there was something on my mind, and I wanted a little privacy to talk to him?
"Oh, but we don't want any more little ones getting lost!" He said, and all the blushes I'd been suppressing invaded my face again. "How about I'll take you for a walk, and your mum can help Lindy find some squirrels. Would you like that?"
"That okay with you two?" Mum asked, and we both nodded. So when we set off again, I had a toasted sausage sandwich in one hand, and a paper cup of coffee in the other. I was still dressed like an oversized toddler, and Hugo's hand on my arm somehow made me feel even smaller, like I needed constant supervision to keep me from running off. I didn't know why that made me feel so happy. We walked off into the woods, and a minute later the trees were closing in around us. There was a little town that we could probably walk to in ten minutes, and local kids were always hanging round in the trees; even climbing them or messing around on rope swings once we got beyond the more strictly-maintained areas of the squirrel and rare bird reserve. But right here there wasn't another person in sight, and we could have been a million miles from civilization.
"This is a nice place," Hugo said, a few minutes later. And for a moment I wished that he hadn't spoken, because it felt so good to just be alone with him, separated from the world, with nothing to think about but the rustle of wind in the trees. "I take it you know the place?"
"Yeah. We stop here every year now. It's kind of become a tradition. But on the way here, Mum shared a memory that... ugh... will always make me think about it differently."
"Oh? A good memory, or a bad one?"
"Umm... apparently Lindy was conceived here. Up a tree. While I was toddling around squeaking at all the wild animals with a friend looking after me. It's just..."
"Is that something you'd like to do?" he asked, and my mind jumped the tracks for a minute. I froze in place mid step, and wondered if I'd just heard what I thought I heard. But before I could even straighten the words out, he seemed to recognise my sudden stiffness and clarified: "Looking at animals, I mean. Running around like a little kid again. I saw signs with squirrels on, is there like a petting zoo here?"
"It's a nature reserve," I said, trying to get my thoughts back to acceptable topics. "You can't touch the animals, and there's big areas with wire fences all around to stop you walking in. But they've done everything to make it a perfect nesting site. So you can see all these rare birds that are native to the area, and red squirrels, and they're used to people being close. It's amazing how close they'll let you get before they spook, but then they can run so fast, and they're up the trees as easy as they run across the ground. They're really cute."
Those memories were good ones, and it was easy to imagine running around like a little kid again, without a care in the world. But as Hugo's mouth opened, I was sure that he was going to tell me that I was cute too; and whether he meant as a child or an adult, I was sure that such a revelation would leave me speechless. So I hurried and said the first thing that came to mind, so that I would be able to say what I wanted to say.
"Anyway!" I said. "I kind of wanted to talk to you. We're almost home now, but it's still going to be a pretty long drive this afternoon. I'm thinking I'm going to try loading the hypnosis thing on my phone. Try to reinforce it a few times, before I see if it works."
"Oh, cool," he said, and smiled. "I can keep an eye on you if you want. I mean... if you don't mind me watching you sleep. Or space out, or... it's not really sleep, is it? But I'm not sure what else to call it. It's not creepy to watch you, is it?"
"It might be, if it wasn't somebody who cares about me that much. But for you, I think it's sweet. Anyway... I wanted to let you know. I picked a new one, so my trigger words will be changing. And I want to tell you what they are. So you can surprise me with it when I'm least expecting it, and see how well they work. If that's not too weird for you. I trust you to be my babysitter anytime."
"Really? Do I need to ask Willow, to make sure that I don't punish you without justification?"
"No. I like being babied. I like being embarrassed." I blushed so much when I said it that I felt I needed to press on right away, before I could dwell too much on that thought. "But this one's a bit different. This time, I can tell you the trigger. It will work even without Mum telling me to be good for a babysitter. You're in control, because I want you to be. And because you're the one I'm telling it to. And it doesn't make me feel like a baby. It's... it makes me act like a baby, but still be fully aware of what I'm doing, and how embarrassing it is. I think that would be more fun for me. Now... I'm sure Lindy will try to trick you into telling her the trigger words. So she can–"
"Don't worry," he cut in. "I won't tell her. This is a big responsibility, and I'm really proud you would trust me that much. I would never–"
"No, no," I interrupted. "I was going to say... I'm sure she will manage to get it out of you eventually. Some trick or other. And if she's smart enough, I won't be angry. It's like our secret, but I won't be upset when she manages to learn it. Because there's a part of me that's excited by the danger of it. And I think she would never use it to do something seriously mean, because Mum's going to have her watching the other spirals regularly. So she always knows that no matter what she does to me, if I think she's crossed the line, I can do the same. So yeah, if she's smart enough to earn it, it's okay to let her have one of the triggers. Makes it fun and unpredictable. And I'm telling you now, you can say the words any time you want. You can embarrass me, and make me nervous. Just so long as it's not making everybody actually laugh at me, or something. I don't mind being embarrassed, that's the fun part, but I don't want to do anything that would actually lose my friends' respect."
"Okay," he said, and nodded slowly. "I think I get that. So what's the actual triggers?"
"There's two," I said. "To start with. You have to say my name, to make it clear you're talking to me. But maybe pet names or something would work too, I don't know. The first one is if you tell me it's 'sucky sucky time', that will give me a temporary oral fixation. So like I can't help sucking a pacifier, or my thumb, or anything you give me. I imagine that could be pretty embarrassing, and you could even do it in public if there's something I can suck without making people wonder. I mean, I'd know I can't help it, but people might not think anything about it if it's like a lollipop or something. That would be so..." I didn't even know the right words for how that made me feel.
"So I have to say your name, and then sucky sucky time. Four words total, right?"
"Yes," I nodded. I could imagine it so clearly, it made me want to suck something. I could fight the urge down, remind myself that he wasn't actually meaning to trigger me. But I knew that after watching those particular spiral videos a couple more times, if he said it with my name, it would be completely irresistible. "And the other one, it's just the same. It's... 'tinkle tinkle time', that one makes me..."
After a few seconds while I struggled to find a way I could bring myself to say it, he ruffled my hair.
"Such a little cutie," he said. "I can guess what that one does. Is my guess likely to be right?" I only had to nod, and he continued: "Okay then. And I promise I'll only do that at a time and place where it's not going to be an inconvenience for you. Where nobody will see. And you really want me to do that? To treat you like you're a little baby and I'm your babysitter? Because, I mean... I know how weird that is, but I think I'd really enjoy it, and I don't know why. Is that really what you want, and not just something you're offering for me?"
"Yes," I squeaked, barely managing to force the word out. He wanted this! I was over the moon then. "Yes, I want to, and I can't believe you're happy to... to do something so out of the ordinary. I'm so lucky to know you. Thank you."
"No, thank you. And I hope that–"
"Sally?" Mum's voice called in the distance. From the tone, I guessed that she'd walked along quite a few of the paths calling. "Hugo? Are you there? We're ready to go!"
"Coming Mum!" I called, ready to run towards her. And then I grinned even wider as Hugo hend on tight to my arm, keeping me under control like a wild toddler as he led us back towards the sound of her voice. I couldn't stop smiling as Mum changed me and Lindy into fresh diapers, or as Hugo helped to buckle me into the back of the car. Or as Mum copied the hypno file over to my phone, and Hugo carefully put the headphones over my ears. I was grinning like an idiot as I focused on the words and felt the present drift away; and the rest of the ride home simply seemed to fly away.