Saturday
All through the morning I take shots. I can't stop or control it but all of a sudden the truth is a little to hard to bear.
The fact that Holly lives here in this little Alaskan town where I'd been pushed to my limited multiple points and I knew for a fact that she could see me at any time during another one of these episodes, made me sick to my stomach.
I know she would never explain to her wife who I was, so when I saw her, all it would do is hurt.
I can't stop the drinking and by the time it's time for the actual ceremony, I'm not all there.
The day blurs by and when the reception comes I'm just in a trance.
I dance and drink some more and do everything but think about the pit of doom in my stomach and I drag myself up to the hotel room and wash my face in the hotel sink.
I get all my glam makeup off and reapply some lighter stuff and take off my clothes and get into the clothes I can find in the bathroom which I don't even think are mine and I turn the TV on and watch some stupid shitty show.
I make my way back downstairs and most of the other guests are gone and I was only gone for half an hour.
I sit back down with everyone and I rest my head against the wall behind me.
"You look tired Gia." Arthur says as he looks at my clothes and I know he knows.
"Yeah. I am. I got changed in the dark and am now realising these clothes aren't mine." They're definitely Donovan's. "Sorry, I just grabbed what was in the bathroom."
He shakes his head. He's drunk and you can tell.
"I don't mind." He says as stands up and wobbles and I grab his hand as if to catch him but he stabilises himself and I let go.
I learnt how to pretend I'm not drunk, something that wasn't actually a good skill to have if I was really honest with myself but Donovan was an obvious drunk. He goes upstairs and then Courtney and Arthur follows in his footsteps and I almost don't expect them to make it back but they all make it back, one by one, in their pyjamas and comfy clothes like me.
Donovan's clothes were very comfy and I can see he enjoys seeing me in them which makes me feel a little bit odd and uncomfortable and if I'm really honest, it kind of makes me feel pretty even though he flirts with any girl that can talk and they're all way prettier than me.
I feel like I was starting to get a really good grasp on my feelings when I trusted myself or maybe it's because I was so drunk right now that even though I knew how to pretend that I wasn't, I was in fact out of reality right now.
He sits back next to me and his head starts to fall and lands on my shoulder and I don't resist. I don't feel strong enough and as we talk and start to push into the late hours of the night, I can't stay awake for much longer.
"Isn't he a school kid? How can get served." Mrs. FB is certainly drunk when she asks this question, it's the first thing she's said in hours.
"He went up to the bar and asked for one. It's an open bar." Stacie's dad says and everyone laughs but I'm starting to doze off and rest my head against Donovan's on my shoulder.
"Oh you never fail to crack me up sir." She says and everyone laughs which forces me to open my eyes, only to see Arthur and Courtney were completely knocked out now.
I can see that Stacie and FB have grown up together in some way but aren't as a close as they were before and I reckon Holly may have something to with that. She was always very insecure about anybody who 'came in the way' of her previous relationships and it was probably even more difficult this time around because she definitely wasn't gay at all when I left Remoir, meaning that she came out after I left.
Stacie and Sullivan are so happy to be with each other and eventually take their leave and by the time everyone's gone, it's just Donovan and I along with Courtney and Arthur who are fast asleep.
I look up and see a skylight and watch the stars and as the night shines on, my eyes start to close and my body falls asleep.
I'm awoken by someone shaking me awake.
It's Courtney who helps me up. I was lying down on Donovan's lap! The horror was getting to me.
"Donovan keeps on mumbling for someone to get off him in his sleep and I assume that's you. Let's wake them up and get to sleep in our rooms." It was nearing two in the morning. The official ceremony ended at eight in the evening and Donovan had started sleeping around eleven but in Alaska, in the winter especially, it got dark quick.
I help Donovan back to his room but he doesn't let go of my hand once we get to the bed.
"Let go of me Donovan." I try to make him but he shakes his head and moves across the bed to give me space, still holding on to my right arm.
"You're drunk as shit. I don't know how you're not showing it but you're not sleeping where I can't check up on you." He goes back to sleep, as he is also drunk and I roll my eyes.
"Stubborn ass." I mutter as I pull the blanket over the duvet and then pull the comforter and blanket back before getting into the bed and pulling them onto me, rather dramatically so I could express my annoyance.
"Ironic coming from you." He says sleepily and I just decide to sleep.