Sneaking around... breaking rules... acting mad...
It was what Amelia's siblings loved most about her. Not just because her acting out would mean that she would receive the punishments and would take the attention off of them. (She never did receive those punishments, only strong talking to, which only ever resulted in her continuing the behaviour).
Her siblings loved those traits most about her because it reminded them what it meant to be normal and alive. Especially her brother George, he was often commenting on how amusing Amelia was, and that some day she would make someone very happy.
Amelia was a noisy child who enjoyed escaping the busy and often suffocatingly boring life of an English Royal. And she often succeeded in disappearing without anyone noticing for hours because she was the youngest of 15 children.
All of her siblings required more attention than she did as almost all of them were entering their adult lives and beginning their responsibilities. They required more of a watchful eye.
Which is how she found herself under constant attention in present time. It was almost as if she were a diamond everyone was afraid to look away from in case it got stolen. But it was not like that back then.
It was no surprise to anyone if Amelia returned with her new dress covered in mud, and her carefully braided hair out of place. It would be a surprise if someone found her in a library reading quietly. It felt unreal to whoever found her that she was calm and unmoving.
Amelia enjoyed her time outside. Exploring the park attached to Buckingham palace was her favourite past time. She watched birds, found rocks, and let her childish imaginative mind run it's course.
And it would be common for her to meet other fellow children in the park. Offsprings of servants or workers in the palace who were simply too busy to keep track of their own children. She made many such friends but they never stayed too long, their parents had to keep on moving to do their jobs.
However, one such friend remained. He was the son of the Queen's head servant and the Head Cook.
Charles Fitzroy.
He would later go on to study at Eton and then at Cambridge University after her father, the King, put in a good word and paid for his education. And after Charles finished his studies, he would go on to become the equerry of first the King, and then later the Prince Regent, Prince George, Amelia's eldest brother.
But he would then, join the army, where he served as a foot soldier. He wanted to protect his country, and in a way, he wanted to protect the one person he loved most.
Charles, or better known as Charlie. Was a loyal childhood friend and the first true friend that Amelia had ever made.
The day they met was a sunny one, a rarity in London, and Amelia had decided to explore the park once again, only this time she would go closer to the lake. She had brought some bread she stolen from the kitchen to feed the ducks who lived there.
As she slipped off her shoes and waded into the water, which turned out a little deeper than she expected. She stood, with her dress floating beside her. She could practically hear Charlotte, her mother, screaming already, "It's the finest silk! Imported straight from India! How dare you ruin it?".
But Amelia couldn't care less of it was imported from India or not. Perhaps they should make her shorter dresses.
She had been so focused on feeding the ducks and especially the baby ducks that she hadn't noticed someone beside her until there was a splash and she jumped to the side, seeing a boy with red hair jump in next to her.
He had rolled his pants up and he was taller than her, which meant he was older, and was smiling at her.
"Mind if I join you?", he had asked.
Amelia ignored him. She enjoyed speaking to the daughters of the servants but her mother and her father and all her brothers and sisters and even her teachers had instructed her that whatever she do, she never talk to any boys. Unless in the company of an adult.
Her father had than whispered to her (they were in the company of her mother as well) so only she could hear. "If you abide this rule, all else can be forgiven". In other words, she could break any rule except that one.
And Amelia knew when not to test her boundaries.
So Amelia ignored the boy next to her and instead finished feeding whatever little else was left over from the bread to the ducks and quickly pulled herself out of the lake, not bothering to put on her shoes.
"My name's Charles by the way, in case you ever see me again!", the boy called after her.
Charles.
There was something about that boy that eased the tightness in Amelia's chest. For the first time in her life, Amelia was able to feel something other than loneliness. Because any attention Charles gave Amelia, was only hers. She didn't share it with her siblings or her parents.
Charles made her feel brave.
That was why she kept meeting him, kept sneaking away so they could explore the park together, and feed the ducks together. It was why she snuck him inside the palace to show him the library (he had mentioned how much he loved books).
They went through the entire library, 3 times a week. They read first together, then they started to read apart and share the stories and discuss them. A few times, they were almost caught, but Charles hid behind some shelves and the person who went into the library in the first place never noticed him. They were too surprised to find Amelia alone and quiet to notice anything else.
They finished exploring the park and the library fairly quickly. (Their little minds could not comprehend all the books in the library yet). So they began exploring the palace.
Amelia enjoyed that time greatly. Sneaking around and avoiding the servants with the one person she always wanted to share it with. It was amazing.
Amelia had finally found someone who could relate and understand her struggles of feeling alone. Since Charles's parents were both constantly busy working for the Royal Family to give him attention.
Once Charles went away for Eton, Amelia spend a lot less time with him. But she had more attention from her parents as well. Her sisters were older and off to balls and other places by themselves. Her brothers were serving in the military or busy with their Dukedoms. It would be a number of years before she would be grown enough to spend time with her siblings.
Amelia didn't mind Charles being away as much as she thought she would. She had her own lessons and her own things to worry about. And when he did return for Winter Breaks and Summer Breaks, they would often spend time together just as they used to.
But Amelia never forgot Charles. She would often read or find things she knew she would want to share with Charles, and she would either write a letter or wait for him to come back to show him.
After a while, she would spend some time every day finding something, anything, with the hope that she could someday share it with the only person she had ever truly loved. At the time.
Once Charles got accepted in Cambridge, he spend a lot less time at home. It did not mean that either of them forgot about each other. Rather the opposite, it increased the amount of correspondence between them tremendously.
He told her all about the life of a Man attending a University. What he studied (he was studying History and English), and what established men his age talked about at things they called soirées.
Amelia in return send him books she thought he would like, and letters delivering him news and gossip.
As both of them enjoy talking truthfully of their thoughts and opinions on important matters and people.
"How do you do it?", Charles had asked once.
"Do what?", Amelia asked in return.
"Give a compliment that is actually an insult", Charles replied.
Amelia had shrugged then. She just spoke her true opinion, but she could not be rude, it was unbecoming of her as a Princess. She had to be creative.
But truly it was her brothers that had taught it to her. It was around the time when Charles was studying when Amelia had started to become truly close to her siblings, especially her brothers. (Her sisters were too busy scrambling to find a husband).
The "Trio" is what Amelia, Edward and Augustus were known across the family and also some of the more prominent English families who were visitors at Buckingham Palace.
They were often seen together, as both brothers wanted to escape dancing with young Ladies, and Amelia was too young to partake in those activities, as she was also not yet introduced into society.
Once Charles returned and took up the job as equerry, he spend a lot more time around Amelia and the Royal Family, and somewhat joined the ranks of the Trio. But he was not completely a member. So when the four of them were seen together, they were referred to as the Trio and the Other one. As no one could ever remember Charles's name.
Another thing that happened once Charles rejoined Amelia at Buckingham Palace was the amount of adventures they ventured on together.
He was a young man of 21 when he returned and began working for the King. Amelia was a girl of 17. Much too young to join the society but not too young to make stupid mistakes.
"Stick with me and nothing will happen to you", Charles had instructed once when he and Amelia were entering their first ever private soirée together.
"I have a feeling the exact opposite might be true", Amelia has replied, but she was of course joking.
But she knew that Charles was the only one who knew how to calm her and reassure her. He himself was a more... calm, soft spoken, gentle kind of man. But he could make her laugh like no other.
She trusted her Charlie with everything. Especially with herself.
Edward and Augustus caught on fairly quickly and preferred not to comment on their younger sisters endeavours. They themselves could not judge, having mistresses that they lived with and loved but could not marry because those women were not of status. Augustus was even married to his. Though it was a secret. A well kept one between all siblings except for George, as he would disagree. And if any of the siblings ever doubted keeping it, the knowledge that Augustus has fathered and is raising a child by his wife keeps them silent.
Neither of the two brothers even disliked Charles. They thought him intelligent and witty enough to match their sister. And he was a good man who they have known for years. If not for his lack of status, Amelia and Charles would have been married.
But the lack of status was a significant one. It would spoil everything.
But that didn't mean she couldn't have the fun now.
"What does it mean?", Edward once asked.
"What?", Amelia asked in return confused.
They were at another soirée hosted by their brother Prince Adolphus in his apartments, and as always all siblings were invited except for George (not because they didn't love him but because they knew he would disapprove and for good reason). Even their mother was present and she was entertaining the newcomers who have been recently invited for the soirée for the first time.
"That look between the two of you", Edward said pointing at Charles who turned away immediately when he saw the Prince.
"Nothing", Amelia immediately denied.
Edward snorted, ungentlemanly as he looked at her with a look that said that he knew.
"Your eyes sparkle Emily when you look at him", Edward argued.
"I don't know what you are talking about", Amelia denied and turned around away from him, instead engaging in conversation with other attendants.
Edward only smiled knowingly and turned a blind eye whenever he saw his sister sneaking off with Charles. He knew the boy wouldn't try anything.
It was after one of those gatherings when Amelia returned late, and Charles (as always) walked her through the main floor towards her bedroom but to be less suspicious did not walk her all the way to her room.
Perhaps she had not been as discreet as she thought she was, or she was not as quiet as she needed to be. Or perhaps it was as obvious as writing it on her forehead because once she got inside her apartments, her brother George was already waiting for her.
"What are you doing?", George has asked immediately as she turned around. Her carefree feeling disappeared immediately.
"What do you mean Georgie?", she asked, trying to act nonchalant.
"Your night time creeps... putting yourself in danger, behaving as if you've lost your mind", George said, standing up and pouring her some water. "Incapable of following the rules-".
"But that's what you said you loved most about me", Amelia argued immediately. She was drunk and perhaps whatever it was that she smoked at the party was not just tobacco.
George watched her, anger rising.
"I want more George. You can't keep me locked up", Amelia said finally, realizing she could not fool him anymore.
"You need to be able to be content with what you have because there is not much more to it than this. You are at the top, Emily. Be careful not to fall. It's much harder to climb back up than to fall down", George practically hissed at her and left her apartments, slamming the door behind him.
She flinched at the sound, her head ringing perhaps a little more than it normally would.
The next morning she was informed that she would be spending the rest of the season with her brother Frederick, the Duke of York and Albany and in his castle with his wife, the Duchess Frederica. She would be leaving that same afternoon.
Another thing that she was not informed about was that Charles was commanded to join the Army. Not asked, not bribed, commanded. It was either life in the army, or jail. Both were death sentences. But at least in the army, he could die with honor.
She had arranged to be meeting with Charles that afternoon to enjoy some time outside, it was sunny and beautiful, a rarity. She would have loved to go horse riding but Charles was not fond of it, so they never did go.
"Are you unwell?", Charles had asked, entering her apartments unsurely.
"It's not a good time", Amelia replied. She had been leaning on the table in the middle of the main living room.
"What happened?", Charlie asked.
He came closer, and there was less than half a foot between him and Amelia. She loved him, of course, or at least the feelings she had, she thought were love. She had never felt these feelings for anyone else before.
Later, after meeting Anthony Bridgerton, Amelia Windsor would know that what she felt for Charles was not true love, but mere attraction. She liked the idea of him, she enjoyed his company and he would most certainly have made a good friend. But not a satisfying lover.
"Trust me, Amy", Charles said carefully. "Please".
"He wants me gone", Amelia finally whispered. Because she trusted Charlie.
"Who?", Charles asked.
"George", Amelia replied.
George, who was her elder brother, and who was also the man that Charles looked up to. It was, after all, George who had recommended Charles to his father the King, which prompted Charles to be accepted in Eton and Cambridge (things only done for male children of wealthy families) and Charles had even gotten a respectable job as equerry.
"No", Charles said, and Amelia feared he would deny what she said, not believe it. But he reached out and grabbed her arm. "I won't let that happen".
"I don't know where my mother is", Amelia began. She knew her mother would never let George send her away. "Do you know where she is?".
Charles held his tongue. He did not reply, instead he reached out with his other hand and took Amelia's hand into his.
"What did you want to tell me?", Amelia asked, wondering. Charles had to have wanted to say something if he was walking to her room anyway.
"A lot will change soon", Charles began. Amelia furrowed her eyebrows. "A lot. No matter what happens, I want you...".
Amelia searched his eyes as he searched for his next few words.
"I want you to be by my side", Charles concluded. Amelia fell silent.
She was not blind or deaf. She knew how Charles felt about her. She had always known, since they were children. She felt the same, or at least she thought she did. But nothing could become of it because she was engaged to Alexander of Russia.
She simply could not disgrace her family by marrying Charles, no matter how much she wanted to. And she could not run away with him. She could not betray her family like that.
"What do you mean? What will happen?", she instead asked.
"I can't talk about that yet", Charles replied, watching her.
Amelia did not understand. Whatever was going to happen... surely one of her brothers or her sisters or at least her mother would talk to her about it. Right?
"I know how much your brother loves you", Charles began, looking at their connected hands. "When you need him, truly need him, he is always there, Amy. You cannot doubt the love your brother George has for you".
Amelia pulled away, and turned around. She knew her brother loved her. Same as he loved all their other siblings. But it seemed this love... was different from respect because he saw her as a child and he treated her as such. She hated it.
"He needs me to feel alive but for that a part of me must die. Is that just?", Amelia asked in return.
"Amelia...", Charles began, pulled her back towards him, holding her hands. He had never called her by her full name before.
"You and I... we were always meant to be", Charles whispered.
She allowed him to kiss her. And she reciprocated, because it felt right, because she wanted to. That was her first kiss.
"I can arrange a boat and if we leave now we can be in Prague in the morning", Charles whispered. Amelia looked at him.
"You always promise me so much", Amelia replied. "What happens if one of these times I say yes?".
Charles brushed a hair behind her ear.
"Then we shall be free", he whispered back.
"I can't", Amelia whispered. She hoped he understood.
Charles nodded, but he did not move away from her. He knew her answer before he even asked.
"I can't come with you", Charles whispered. "I can't come with you to Frederick's or anywhere else".
Amelia looked at him. As George's equerry he could always resign, and she could always employ him as her personal equerry. Similarly as Charlotte had with Brimsley. Of course it was not done much, as Princess's did not have as much work as Prince's, but she could make an excuse about her writing and other things. She was sure her father would not reject her plea.
Charles and her had discussed this idea at great length before.
But then as she looked into Charles's eyes, she knew the reason why.
"You've signed up", Amelia whispered. For the Army, she meant. He signed up for the army.
She did not know it was George who forced Charles to do so. Because if she did, she would have felt betrayed by her brother. George had forced Charles to sign his own death sentence.
And Charles was not about to tell her and hurt her more.
"I'm sorry", he whispered.
She sniffed, and tried to keep her tears at bay. She knew what happened in the Army. Her brothers, who all served, but some still continue to serve (Frederick and Ernest), they all came back with lost pieces.
Pieces of them were lost and never regained and they were never the same after. Their eyes, at first so lost and empty. They had to relearn how to smile.
She did not want that for Charles.
But all she could do, in that moment, was wrap her arms around his neck, and sob into it. Charles shed a few of his own tears on her shoulder but he hid them before she could see.
"I'll be back", Charles whispered. "I promise you".
"You better be safe out there", Amelia said, wiping her own cheeks. Charles almost laughed.
No one was safe in the front lines. But instead of saying that, he said, "I will be, don't worry".
"You must write", Charles said, smiling. "Really".
"No one has ever said that to me before", Amelia whispered.
Her mother thought she wrote too much, and that she could just ask Brimsley or one of her court ladies to write for her. Her brother George thought it a waste of her time, where she could be doing other things. Like reading, or drawing or playing the piano or the violin.
But she enjoyed writing to her family. She enjoyed corresponding.
So she vowed to write to him, more than she had before.
That afternoon Amelia had travelled to her brother Frederick. And Charles, was left behind in Buckingham Palace, where he soon left for the Army.
Charles wasn't enough for Amelia to say yes to and leave her family. She did not want to leave her family. She liked being around her family. It was not the fear of disappointing them that made her stay... it was the fear of losing them.
If he had asked her when she was a child, when she could sneak away for hours if not for an entire day without anyone noticing because they simply did not have time for her... her answer would have been different. Back when she felt like the outsider of her family.
She liked his attention when she had no other attention. Because it made her feel normal. But that is not a reason why she should marry him. He deserved better than that.
The next time she saw Charles was a year later, she was back in Buckingham Palace, a fresh 18 year old. They had continued their correspondence in secret (her brother Frederick knew of course, as she stayed with him for the majority of that year, and he closed his eyes at it).
He was receiving a break to visit his family before returning back to the front and since his family still served the Royal Family, it was no surprise that they ran into each other.
They met up again outside of the Palace Walls, by their favorite tree. She was sitting on one of it's branches, writing another correspondence to her brother Augustus who was soon to arrive back from his trip to Greece.
Charles approached, a flower in his hand. A rose. He had plucked it carefully from the Palace garden when no one was looking.
"Charlie?", Amelia asked, looking down once she noticed him. He had been standing there for a few moments, just watching her.
He had changed, of course. He looked... older, more mature perhaps. Like he had seen things that changed him. Amelia had seen the look, in her brothers before.
"Harrison came back from leave engaged", Charles began. Harrison was a friend, or an ally, he had made during basic training before joining the Army. Amelia had heard all about him, but had never met him because Harrison's leave was a month before Charles's.
"After he told me, within 10 minutes he stuck his head over the Parapet and had his brains shot out", Charles continued. Amelia closed her book and rested it on her lap as she listened.
"I was next to him when it happened", Charles concluded.
Amelia carefully slid down from her branch up in the tree, and walked to him. She carefully put her hand on his arm, rubbing her thumb over it.
"I'm sorry Charlie", Amelia whispered.
"Home leave makes you soft", Charles concluded and he finally met her eye.
He raised the hand in which the rose was in, and carefully placed the flower into her hair, right behind her right ear.
She looked like an angel that came from heaven, he thought.
"We don't have to get married, Charlie", Amelia whispered. What she really wanted to say was that she couldn't get married. But he knew that. But it was on both of their minds, constantly.
"Or engaged", Amelia added.
She would have liked to. If she didn't love her family, she would have run away with him a long time ago. But she didn't.
Perhaps she could be like the rest of her sister's. She could live in the Nunnery, be a spinster. But in secret, she could meet with Charles, get married in secret though they would have to find a Bishop who would agree to marry them, that would be a challenge. But they could do it.
"Perhaps we should", Charles replied, and took something out of his pocket.
It was a simple ring, with one simple stone on it. What she did not know was that Charles had saved every paycheck as equerry and as foot soldier to afford it. It was not much, and certainly not what she was used to. But he bought it for her.
And she was so grateful, words could not describe it.
"It's not what either of us wanted", Amelia argued. But she was smiling.
"Imagine it though", Charles said, with a small smile on his face. It was almost weird seeing him smile. "You in a white dress. A sunny day, an old church. Everybody we love. Champagne".
Amelia giggled at the thought. It was her dream, of course.
"Cake?", Amelia asked, playing into his dream. "Chocolate?".
Charles laughed. "Does it get any better than chocolate cake?".
She reached out to wrap her arms around his neck loosely, as she always did. He was higher than her so she had to get on her toes to reach him.
He reached out for her cheek, to rub his thumb over it. "Marry me, Amelia", he begged. "Next time I'm home".
And she vowed to herself that day, to find a way to make it work. To find a way for her to marry Charles. For her to end her engagement to Alexander of Russia. So she could be happy with the one man she loved.
But she did not want to swear off her family. She wanted them in her life, always.
"Yes", Amelia whispered. And they kissed, passionately.
That was the last time Amelia saw Charles.
Charles departed England the day after, with a much lighter heart and even a smile. Amelia swore that she would keep writing to him, and he looked forward to it. In a way, he missed the serving in the war. Because every moment, while death was on the field, he would tell himself that he had to live one more day to receive one more letter from Amelia.
He would write back of course, always. He knew she worried for him, and his safety.
The last letter Amelia ever received from Charles was short, but it was because there was not much paper available for the soldiers, especially foot men.
"We have a camp, and we have been able to hold off any attack by the French for some time now. I think I'm save, Amy.
Do not worry. I know you do.
I'm save. And I want you to be too.
I will see you soon, my next leave is only in a few weeks. We shall go to our tree then, and I will find you a rose and we shall discuss all the new books you've been reading.
I love you, Amy".
- CF
A few days after Amelia received the letter, she also received the news (from his parents) of his passing. Shot on the front lines by the French.
That was the day Amelia learned what grief was. She wore dark clothing for almost a year after.
She continued to write him correspondence which she left at his gravestone weekly when she visited. Just so he'd know what was new with her.
She was certain love was rare and what she felt for Charlie she would not feel again. She had resigned herself to a loveless marriage, all she asked for was respect and loyalty.
Charles had taught her how to love, and what love felt like. He taught her the feelings, and he made her dream. But...
Charles was not enough. Not enough for her to swear off everything she knew, to part with everything she felt dear.
Perhaps Anthony would be.