Summary: Spencer has no idea what to do to win reader's trust back. She doesn't even want to talk to him. Her mother and Frank try to help them.
Warnings: Lots of angst, basically that's the entire chapter: angst, anger, and brokenhearted Spencer and (Y/N). Mention of drugs and alcohol.
Word count: 9.2 K
A/N: We had a lot of fluffy and smutty chapters in this story, guys. Now get ready for angst. (Love you!!)
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(Y/N)'s point of view
The following morning was a mess. I didn't want to wake up. I didn't want to get out of bed, and most of all, I didn't want to deal with Spencer at the BAU. I knew I couldn't skip work, but a part of me wanted to call Hotch and explain everything. But that meant telling him Spencer was using again, and that would ruin his career. I hated him at that minute, but I would never do that to him. So I got out of bed, showered, grabbed the biggest cup I found, and filled it with freshly made coffee.
- "Peanut,"- mom stood by the door before I left and hugged me- "Please call me and let me know what happens."- I nodded and sighed, feeling her arms around me, thinking she never did such a thing before, not even when I was little and left for school.
- "I promise I'll call you tonight."
- "If you want to stay here for a few more days, I would be glad to help you."- mom smiled and held my cheeks, making me work harder to hold the tears inside my eyes.- "But I strongly encourage you to fix things with Spencer. I don't know what he did to hurt you yesterday, but I know everything he has done for the last five years in love with you."
I bit my lips and nodded. I couldn't pronounce a word. I just grabbed my keys and walked out of the house.
I was glad I had a go-bag in the back of my car. Being prepared for any BAU trip paid up after so many years. I hadn't slept, and I looked like shit, but I had clean clothes. At least I could look presentable.
There wasn't enough coffee in the world to keep me going that day. I felt so defeated. So nothing. Brokenheartedness wasn't enough to describe the feeling that filled my entire being. I should have been ecstatic and jumping all over the place a week before my wedding. Instead, I was crying in the car on my way to work, having second thoughts about the entire thing.
Did I want to marry Spencer? Of course! But did I trust Spencer at that moment? No, I didn't. Not even a little. I didn't know how long he had been lying and going behind my back.
A part of me wanted to help him quit, and support him through his rough patch. But if only he would have come clean about the entire thing first. Not lying about it and denying using. If I hadn't found that bottle, I would still be in the dark about his problem.
I spent longer than necessary sitting in my car, staring at the wall after I parked the car at work. I didn't have enough strength to face Spencer alone. I needed to make sure the entire team was settled before walking into the bullpen. He would be waiting, I knew him. And I didn't want to see him, talk to him, or hear him. Not at work. Not yet.
I had made a plan during my sleepless hours to make sure I didn't have to talk to him that entire day. I knew it wasn't flawless, but it was the one thing that gave me comfort. So I took a deep breath and walked out of my car. I had to go through it, or at least try. It wasn't even an elaborated plan. I just needed to get to the BAU, walk into Hotch's office ignoring Reid, and explain to our unit chief we had fought. I would excuse myself, tell him I knew we had promised to keep our personal life out of the FBI, and beg him to help me keep Spencer away from me for the next few hours so I could get my work done. Hotch would definitely understand. I wasn't planning on giving him any detail, but I knew he would understand. Right? Of course, Aaron had always been a father figure and the best boss ever.
The elevator ride was eternal. Yet, I wished it would have lasted a little longer because no matter how prepared I thought I was, nothing prepared me to see Spencer pacing through the hall, waiting for me.
- "Chipmunk!"- he jumped as soon as he saw me and nearly ran to me. My heart stopped and my body flinched just at the sight of him. He looked so tired, so broken. Was it the angst of our fight or was it the drugs? I had no idea. Maybe both.
- "Chipmunk, you have to listen to me! Please!"- but I just walked away from him and headed straight to Hotch's office, not opening my mouth and making my best not to look at him.
- "(Y/N), please! I am so sorry, so sorry. Please, talk to me, listen to me. Let me explain."- if Spencer thought I had given JJ the cold shoulder, he had no idea what I had planned for him.
I walked into the bullpen with Reid following me close behind, still begging me to stop moving and listen to him. I was glad he hadn't put his hands on me yet, 'cos I wasn't sure how I would react to that. I refused to look at anyone around me 'cause I knew we were making a scene. Well not me, he was. As soon I reached Hotch's office I closed the door behind my back and looked at him. He was sitting at his desk, already going through some paperwork.
- "Sit down."- he commanded and I moved slowly- "I'm guessing you two haven't worked on whatever happened last night."- I shook my head and looked down at my hands on my lap, making a major effort not to cry. I knew Spencer was right outside that door, and I knew I was breaking his heart every minute I spent ignoring him. But he had broken mine first.
- "I'm sorry."- I whispered- "I know we promised we were not going to let our relationship get in the way of work, but I need you to keep him away from me today."
- "Why?"
- "I don't wanna face him just yet. I'm not ready."
- "(Y/N), you are grown up SSA, why do you insist on acting like a kid?"- I raised my eyes and met his steady gaze. He was serious, though his words sounded closer to a joke.
- "I don't know. I guess we are all fools in love."
- "What happened between you two is no one's business but yours."- Hotch stated - "But when you are at work, I hope you behave as a professional Special Agent of your range. Am I clear?"
- "Yes, sir."
- "You can take JJ's old office for today and I will give Spencer direct indications to leave you alone. But you have to fix whatever it is that's going on between you two as soon as possible."
- "I'll try. Thank you."- I stood up before I didn't want to cry righ there, and Hotch followed me. Just as I imagined, Spencer was right outside his door, waiting to talk to me, but our Unit Chief called him into his office, giving me time to vanish and hide in JJ's old office.
There I was, holding my empty coffee mug, staring at the computer screen when Penelope, Prentiss, and JJ walked in. The three of them seemed honestly concerned.
- "Hey there"- Emily whispered and handed me a warm cup of coffee- "You look like you need a few more of these."
- "Thank you. I do."- they stared at me in silence as I sipped my beverage and hummed- "Hot and bitter. Like me."
- "What happened last night, (Y/N)? You ran off Rossi's like you've seen a ghost"- Garcia went right to the point. I knew the mystery was probably killing her.
- "Spencer and I had an argument"
- "Was it telepathically?"- Pen raised an eyebrow and sat in front of my desk- "Because neither of you shared a word, you just looked at each other and you were gone!"- I wasn't planning on telling anyone what had, in fact, happened between us, or why I was mad. Instead, I just shook my head.
- "Something like it."- I replied and cut her a short smile.
- "Are you planning on fixing things with baby genius? 'Cos he is a mess."- Garcia kept making questions, as my friend stared at me as if was wounded.
- "Not at work."
- "But why are you so upset? It's just a few days away before the wedding. I thought it was all set. Are you getting cold feet? Are you canceling the whole thing? Oh my god! Who cheated?!"
I opened my mouth but no word came out. I felt the tears filling my eyes as JJ and Prentiss stared at me in pure panic.
- "It doesn't matter what it was, what matters is that (Y/N) knows she can count on us, right?"- Prentiss almost whispering, reading my reaction- "And we won't ask you for any more details about what happened. We just wanted to know you were ok."
- "Thank you Emily."- I murmured and made my best to smile, but I knew I failed terribly.
- "Is there anything else we can bring you? Have you eaten today?"- JJ asked, concerned.
- "Yeah, I am ok. I just wanna finish all this paperwork before the weekend."
- "If you need to go out tonight, maybe talk about what happened, if you wanna stay with me, have a sleepover."- Pen suggested, but I quickly shook my head.
- "Thank you, but not tonight."
- "Of course, munchkin... just... please don't cancel the wedding! You and Reid are so perfect together! And no matter what he did, you can make him suffer! I can help! We all can! Just please don't crush his heart!"
Garcia blurted out all that information, making it even harder for me not to cry during work time. I hated to feel weak. And most of all, I hated to cry in front of my friends.
- "Can I ask you something?"- I looked at Prentiss and she nodded right away- "Can you bring me my purse and cell phone? Spencer must have them."
- "Of course"- she stood up and left the room in a second.
- "Do you need anything else?"- JJ stood up as well and grabbed Garcia's sleeve, practically dragging her off her chair.
- "No, thank you."
- "We'll come at lunchtime with something to eat."- I simply nodded and tried to resume to work. Swallow the sadness and the fears. Like it was something so easy to do.
- "There you go, (Y/N)."- Prentiss showed up a few minutes later with all my things.
- "Thank you, Em."
- "Don't worry, hon."- she walked to the door and held the knob for a second- "Just, think things through."
- "Of course."- I nodded as she left, leaving me alone with the tears and all the feelings I tried to bottle inside, and that came back to the surface.
It didn't help that as soon as I opened my purse, I found a note from Spencer. Of course, he had written something for me. I imagined him sleepless, writing that note, trying to gather all the words that might melt me.
I was tempted to read it, but I didn't want to cry at the FBI, so I left it in the bag and grabbed my phone. I texted Lu, Frank, and Mikey, letting them know I was ok. Then, I focused back on my work, 'cos I wanted to pass time with some time that kept my mind from thinking.
Spencer's point of view
That Thursday I got to the BAU at six am. I hadn't closed an eye during the entire night. After stopping at Frank's, I did the same at Mikey's, Lu's, and Sofìa's, I drove back home, still hoping maybe (Y/N) would find her way back to our shared apartment that night, to talk things.
But no, of course, she didn't. I was all alone that night, crying and staring at the walls, remembering all the minutes we had shared between those walls. I had never been happier than the months we had been together, and I didn't want to lose that to anything. Never.
After a few hours of walking between those four walls, I felt like I was going insane. Nothing I did was successful to kill time. It was already four in the morning, so I decided to shower and get ready for work. (Y/N) wasn't going to go home, but she had to go to work, she had always been very responsible.
The only productive thing I had been able to do that entire night had been to write a lousy "apology" note I left inside her purse. I wanted to write a whole letter, I needed to explain everything to her. But Frank was right, I needed to fix it better than with a simple card. I needed to find a way into her heart again. But I was so desperate I had nothing. Zero clue.
When I got to work, two hours earlier than usual, I had to kill time. I made coffee, got some paperwork done, walked around the bullpen, sat on (Y/N)'s chair, and looked at her desk. She had a picture of us there for the last three years. We weren't even a couple when that pic was taken, it was from one of our random nights out. "Weekend escapades," as she called them. We were eating burgers at 2 am in that picture, after watching a local band play in a bar with Frank and Mikey. We were laughing at a very bad joke, and if I'm not wrong, I finished both our burgers 'cos (Y/N) ate all the fries.
I still remember that night I felt I couldn't love her more than I did as she held my hand in the street walking, talking, and laughing. Of course, I had been wrong, 'cos that morning, waiting for her to show up to work, preparing a speech to apologize to her for being an asshole, I felt I couldn't even love her more even if I tried. My heart was full of love for her, and if she rejected me, I knew that love would turn into a poison that might kill me.
One by one, all of the agents got to work. All but the one I was waiting for. It was already over eight am. I was in my fourth cup of coffee and at that point, I was already in the lobby outside the bullpen, waiting to see (Y/N) walk out of any of the elevators.
What if she didn't show up for work? What if something had happened to her the night before after driving off? What if she didn't want to be with me at all and she called Hotch asking for a personal day?
- "Pretty boy! You are here early!"- Morgan tapped on my back as he stood by my side- "Did you talk to (Y/N)?"
- "She didn't come home last night. I am waiting for her."- my voice was low and serious. I even avoided making eye contact with him.
- "What happened last night?"
- "I don't wanna..."- I didn't say another word 'cos the elevator's door opened again, but instead of (Y/N), JJ and Prentiss walked over.
- "Hey! What are you guys doing here?"- I shook my head and walked away from my friends. I was sure Morgan would explain everything, and I didn't want to talk to them at that minute. I could feel their eyes on me as I tried to ignore them. JJ walked over and rubbed my arm. I hated it, I felt her pitting me, and I didn't want that. I just needed to think clearly.
- "It's gonna be ok, Spence."- she whispered and I simply nodded, and continued walking. Prentiss and Morgan waved from a distance and walked into the bullpen, followed by JJ. I sighed and stared at the elevators one more time. Until finally, I saw her face. Her eyes were puffy, her skin was pale, and the dark rings under her eyes let me know she hadn't slept much either. It all hurt. I didn't want to see her in pain. Less knowing I was the one who caused her all that sorrow.
- "Chipmunk!"- I jumped and ran to her as soon as she stepped out of the elevator - "Chipmunk, you have to listen to me! Please!"
Yes, I was begging, nearly crawling on the floor. And I didn't care. I just wanted her to forgive me. But she ignored me and pretended she couldn't listen to me. She just continued walking through the bullpen, acting like I didn't even exist.
- "(Y/N), please! I am so sorry, so sorry. Please, talk to me, listen to me. Let me explain."
I could feel everyone around us staring at that deplorable show. I probably looked pathetic begging. Yet, I didn't care at all. I just wanted her to listen to me. (Y/N) opened Hotch's door and rushed into it, nearly closing it right in my face. I almost knocked and asked in. But somehow I stopped. Even I knew that was crossing the line and it would make (Y/N) even madder at me.
So I waited. I stood outside that door and didn't move for what seemed to be an eternity. I couldn't hear what (Y/N) and Hotch were talking about, but I figured it was related to our situation. I just hoped our Unit chief could help calm (Y/N)'s mood or at least convince her to speak to me.
After a few more minutes (that felt like a lifetime) the door opened and (Y/N) walked out in a hurry. I tried to stop her, but Hotch's voice froze me. He called me from inside his office and I was forced to let her go, feeling how the chance to change her mind slipped through my finger, along with my sanity.
- "Please, sit down Reid."- Hotch commanded after I closed the door behind my back- "I'm sure you know what this is about."
- "Did she tell you what happened?"- I whispered, already ashamed.
- "Not the details, but she mentioned you had an argument. And I am concerned this is going to affect your work."- I didn't want to lie to him, I knew this was going to affect my work, my mood, and most likely every single aspect of my life. But how could it not? She was my life, and I was petrified at the mere thought of losing her.
- "So... what do you want me to do, Hotch?"
- "Leave her alone for the rest of the work day, and talk to her after you are done with your paperwork for the day."- he had to be joking. He was commanding me to ignore the one thought and person I couldn't take from my mind and heart.
- "No, that's not possible."
- "I am sorry, Reid. But this is not a request. Take it as a command. You can't make a scene at work. Strauss is already on your back, and I don't wanna have any problems. Especially when it can be avoided simply by acting like grown-ups."
I felt insulted. I wasn't acting like a kid. I was just desperate. I stared at him in silence, clearly annoyed. His face didn't move a muscle.
- "I mean it, Spencer. Leave her alone for the rest of the day, and talk to her after five."
- "Whatever."
- "You are a week from your wedding. Don't do or say anything you might regret later."
- "Are you threatening me, Hotch?"
- "What? No! I'm trying to help you, so stop acting like an annoyed teenager, and get to work."- I shrugged and simply replied.
- "I already finished all my paperwork for the day."
- "Then do Morgan's."- I opened my mouth to argue, but stopped and shook my head.
- "Maybe I can ask (Y/N) if I can help her with her paperwork. That way we'll be done earlier and we can go home to fix our situation."
- "Stay away from her."- my Unit Chief repeated and looked at the folder on his desk. I took that as my cue to leave, so I stood up and walked to the door slowly.
- "Reid."- he said before I left the room- "You might not believe it now, but I'm in fact trying to help you."- I scoffed and closed the room behind my back.
I sat on my chair and groaned staring at the empty space on (Y/N)'s desk. She had been there, in front of me, for so many years I didn't longer know how to deal with her absence. She was part of my life to a level I couldn't even handle. I was lost without her. And Hotch wanted me to wait the entire day to talk to her and beg for forgiveness.
After another half hour, I couldn't take it anymore, and somehow I knew there was only one way (Y/N) would believe me and maybe trust me again. So I grabbed my satchel and ran back to Hotch's office.
- "Can I go out for a moment?"
- "Where are you going?"
- "To the hospital"- Hotch stared at me and I guess, tried to figure out what I was going to do- "It won't take much time. An hour top"
- "Ok, you can go."- I nodded and ran again. I honestly didn't have much of a plan, just desparetared action in desperate times, I guess.
Mikey walked into the bullpen at lunchtime. He looked around the place, probably searching for (Y/N), so I waved. He didn't seem to be mad at me, he had been very nice the night before when I woke him up looking for (Y/N) in his apartment. I stood up and headed over to him, but (Y/N) showed up and grabbed his arms, avoiding even looking at me. I just stood there, frozen. My feet wanted to run after her, but I knew I couldn't.
- "Come on, pretty Ricky. Lunch is on me today."- Morgan stood by my side and tapped on my back. I wanted to argue, but again, I knew it was useless. So I grabbed my jacket and followed Derek out.
- "You know, I remember when you first joined this team, I thought I had never met anyone like you."- Morgan chewed his steak and talked as I played with my spaghetti, not even hungry.
- "I guess that's a common feeling."
- "Then, pretty girl came along, and she was just as weird as you. I remember that get-together at Garcia's a bunch of years ago. She kept talking about all your nerdy shows and your eyes kept getting bigger and bigger."- I'm sure he had a point, but I couldn't see it. I nodded and sipped my water. The small restaurant we dragged me to seemed half empty for lunchtime. I didn't know if it was because the food wasn't very good or if it was just a slow day.
- "What I'm trying to say is that I never imagined we would be here talking a week before your wedding."
- "I don't even know if there will be a wedding, Morgan."- I groaned as he just continued eating and shook his head.
- "You are gonna marry pretty girl next week. You are going to be ok, trust me."- he seemed so sure of his words it was annoying.
- "Why are you so sure?"- I don't know if it was the lack of sleep or my situation with (Y/N), but I had a very low tolerance for anything at that point of the day.
- "'Cos you two are so in love it would be crazy a silly fight ends what you have."- a lousy argument, I must say.
- "Why do you think it's a silly fight?"
- "What could you've done to her that could jeopardize your whole relationship?"
- "She found out I got Dilaudid behind her back."
Derek stared at me in shock. I don't think he saw that coming at all. Maybe he thought we had an argument over some silly wedding issue.
- "You did what?! Reid! Are you fucking joking?!"
- "Why would I joke with something like that?!"- I nearly yelled as he stared at me surprised and angry.
- "Reid, please don't tell me you are using again!"- I know we never actually talked with him about my drug problems, but I knew Morgan and the whole team were conscious of what I had been through. It was just (Y/N) the one who decided to take matters into her hands and help me overcome it.
- "Of course, I am not using again! I just got it and (Y/N) found it in my jacket's pocket at Rossi's party"
- "But why did you get that shit in the first place?"
- "I don't know. After Prentiss died I was in a very dark place and for a moment I felt like I needed to escape from reality. And the only way I knew how to do it was with a needle in my vein."
- "Reid..."- Morgan didn't say another thing. It was probably 'cos he wasn't sure how to deal with such a horrible situation. Even I didn't know what do to.
- "It was a one-time thing. And I didn't even use it. Not even once. But I got it and it was there. I never got rid of it and (Y/N) doesn't want to listen."
- "You understand why, don't you?"- I nodded and stared at my food. I wasn't going to eat it. I didn't want anything but to be with her.
- "Yes, I got the drugs, but I didn't use them. It can't be that bad. Right?"- I lied to myself, though I knew the answer to that question. Morgan just stared at me in silence, maybe trying to read me.
- "I didn't use it, Morgan. I honestly didn't. I've been sober for the last three years of my life, thanks to her."
- "But you got the drugs. How?"
- "I called my dealer."
- "You still got that number? What? Written around just in case?"
- "Ideitic memory. Somethings I can't just simply forget."- I confessed and drank what was left of water in my glass.
- "You are in deep shit."
- "I know."
- "And how do you plan to fix it?"
- "I have no idea. Frank kept telling me I knew all the answers, 'cos I know (Y/N) better than anyone. But honestly, Morgan. I don't know what to do or how to fix this. I am just scared, terrified actually 'cos I don't wanna lose her."- my chin quivered and I bit my lips not to start crying. Morgan didn't say a word for a few minutes as I tried to recompose myself.
- "She loves you."- that was his entire statement.
- "I know. But I am not sure that is enough this time."- I added- " You don't know what she went through to help me detox. We fought and I actually hit her the last time I used. That's how I realized I needed help. She was there for me and helped me, she got me clean in sober just by locking herself in her apartment with me and taking care of me with love and understanding. And I promised I was never going to use it again not only because it's not good for me, obviously. But because I didn't want to hurt her again. Ever."
I paused my train of thought. I knew I was rambling and just sharing my feelings. But if I continued talking I was going to start crying, and there was no help in that.
- "When are you going to talk to her?"
- "Tonight, I guess. Hotch won't let me talk to her at work."
- "Seems like a good idea to wait. She is still too mad at you."
- "Obviously."- I spit that answer with more anger than I should had.
- "Flowers? Chocolate? Are you gonna get her anything?"- Morgan didn't know my girl, that was obvious.
- "I don't think gifts will help me win her trust back. We are way passed presents. I got drug tested today to prove her I wasn't doing anything, but I don't know if that's gonna be enough."- I explained my friend my plan, the only one I had if you asked me, and tried to stay calm at the thought of her not forgiving me after that.
- "Do you know where is she staying?"- I shook my head and looked at the time. Five o'clock wasn't coming soon enough.
- "I stopped by her friends and parents last night, but nothing. She is in a hotel. I guess."
- "Try to convince her to go home with you, so you can talk privately. I don't think this is a conversation to have over dinner."
- "I don't think she would like to go with me to dinner either."- I chuckled sadly at the thought and sighed- "I don't wanna lose her, Morgan."
- "You won't, kid."
- "Why are you so sure?"
- "She just loves you too much."
(Y/N)'s point of view
Mikey hugged me and waved before disappearing into the elevator. My friend had never visited me at work before, and it was very sweet of him to drop by with food to share at lunchtime. He was a familiar face that always made me feel at home. Of course, we only talked about Spencer and what he had done. Mikey was very mad at him, but somehow still tried to make me consider forgiving him. I told my friend I wasn't ready for any like that and luckily he didn't try to push me.
- "Hey, mom"- I said and closed my eyes, mortified of what I was doing- "How is your day going?"
- "Peanut, how are you feeling? Have you eaten?"- mom sound so worried, she made me feel like a five years old who can not take care of herself. And at the same time, it was very sweet of her.
- "Yeah, Mikey just drove over and brought me lunch. Listen, I was wondering if I can stay with you tonight as well."- straight to the point. I just needed an asnwer.
- "You haven't talked with Spencer?"- that was not the answer I needed.
- "I am not ready, mom."- my voice was a whisper. An embarrassed whisper.
- "Baby, you are getting married in a week"
- "I don't even wanna think about that. Can I please stay with you? Don't even worry about dinner, I can eat something on my way over."
- "(Y/N), come on! Of course, you can stay here for as long as you want, and I don't mind cooking you dinner. What if we watch a movie? Like a mother and daughter bonding activity?"- I chuckled, imagining her excited face.
- "Sounds like a plan."
- "Great! See you home, peanut."
- "Bye mom, thank you."
My afternoon was slow, but at least I managed to stay productive. Coffee kept me awake and music helped me focus. By five I was mostly done with the paperwork, so I decided to sneak out and leave without being seen by Spencer.
I gathered all my things and texted my coworkers goodbye. I called Hotch and told him I was going home and that I would be back the following morning to finish the few things that were left for me to do before my vacation.
The hall was empty, so I walked as fast as possible and pushed the elevator button. Spencer was nowhere to be seen, and that was a relief. I honestly wasn't ready to talk to him yet. I got into the elevator and pushed the button to close the door as many times as possible, until it finally locked me in there, all alone. I even sighed, feeling safe.
But of course, I wasn't. Spencer was five steps ahead of me. He was waiting for me, standing next to my car. I felt my heart sink as soon as I saw him, and my hands started sweating as I slowly walked over. His eyes were glued in mines in a second. He was expecting me.
- "Can we talk, please?"- he asked, almost under breath as I stood in front of him, hugging my purse tight against my chest, like a shield against him.
- "I rather not."- my words came out cold and severe. I grabbed the keys from my car and walked to the driver's side. But Spencer moved and blocked me.
- "Chipmunk, please, listen to me. I know I made a mistake, but you have to believe me, I didn't use a drop of that bottle."
- "Yeah, sure."- I raised an eyebrow and shook my head- "I believe you, Spencer. You've always been so honest with me, I have no reason to evere doubt your word."
- "Ma cherie, please."- he begged, and his voice broke as he whispered. But I remained cold and angry.
- "Now move from my car. I wanna leave."
- "Let me explain how it happened. It is not as bad as you are thinking."
- "Of course, it's not. I just found a bottle of Dilaudid in my boyfriend's jacket. It might not even be yours, maybe if from some random girl you are also seeing behind my back."
Yes, I was being mean to him, because I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to know how mad I was with him, though it was clear he had a fair idea of how I felt.
- "Please, chipmunk, just let me explain"- he begged one more time, and the tears in his eyes almost melted my heart. If only it hadn't been already broken, it might have worked.
- "No, there is nothing to explain. You lied and you cheated on me with the one lover I can't compete against."
It was hard to admit those words, but they were my truth and the reason why his action hurt so much. There was a part of me that always felt if it ever came to "The needle or me", Spencer would pick drugs over me. Why? I have no idea. I just felt it in my guts.
- "I always knew you could not love me the same way love you, Spencer."
- "What? No! Why would you even say that!"- Spencer was crying, and I was biting my lips, tightening my jaw, making a major effort not to share a tear in front of him.
- "Because I love you so much it hurts! And you just keep choosing drugs over me!"
- "Never!! Chipmunk, please! You have to believe me!"- Spencer walked to me and tried to hug me, or grab my arms, but I moved and avoided his touch, reaching the door of my car, and opening it quickly.
- "I can't believe you, Spencer. You fucked it up. I don't trust you anymore."
- "(Y/N), please! I'm begging you! I know I made a mistake, but I love you! I will never do this again."
- "You already promised me that, remember?"- I replied and closed the door of my car, starting the engine and driving away from him as fast as possible.
I started sobbing a minute later, and I didn't stop until I was at my mom's. I know it's very dangerous to drive and cry, but I had to put as much distance between me and Spencer as possible.
When I got to my mom's place, I stayed in the car for a few minutes, trying to calm myself down 'cos I didn't want anyone to see me like that. Especially my mother. I didn't want her to know how fucked up I was.
- "Hey peanut! What took you so long?"- Sofia asked as soon as I walked into the kitchen and left my purse on the table.
- "Sorry, I was on the phone with my boss."- I lied right away and ignored her eyes, reading me. I know you can't lie to a profiler, but you can't lie to your mom either, not successfully at least.
- "So wash up, dinner is ready"- she commanded and turned to the oven, probably to give me some privacy.
Five minutes after I got to my mom's, someone rang the bell. I was in my room, changing my clothes when I heard mom say.
- "Spencer, what are you doing here?"
- "I know she is here, Sofia. I need to talk to her."
Shit, he followed me. Of course, he did.
- "I'm sorry, Spencer. But she doesn't want to talk to you yet."- mom answered and probably stood at the door, not letting him in.
- "Sofia, please, I need to explain to her what happened."
- "No, you need to calm yourself down and give her some space to think"- I widened my eyes as I heard mom defending me. Not that I didn't think she could do it, but somehow I had the idea she would blame me for losing Spencer. The same way she always said I would never have a normal relationship due to my job. But this time, she was on my side, not criticizing me.
- "(Y/N)!"- Spence yelled, and I hid behind my bedroom door- "Please! Chipmunk! I love you! Let me talk to you!"
- "Spencer, you need to go or I'm gonna call my husband."- "ex-husband, mom, but you got it"
- "Please, Sofia. I just... miss her so much."- his voice broke, and I knew my boyfriend was crying in front of my mom, begging her to let him talk to me.
- "Then give her time and space to think. She is gonna talk to you when she is ready"- I bit my lips, knowing Spencer must have been desperate to get to that point.
- "Can you please tell her I love her? And that I miss her, and that I would do anything and everything I can to show her she is the only love I've ever met."
I closed my bedroom door and hide inside my bathroom to cry in peace. I sat in my bathtub and hugged my legs, sobbing, but trying to be as quiet as possible. A few minutes later, mom knocked on my door.
- "I'll be ready for dinner in a minute."- I whispered and tried to stand up, but she just walked into the bathroom and sat by my side inside that bathtub, wrapping an arm around my shoulder. I sighed and rested my head against her, letting the tears fall.
- "It's ok, baby. You are gonna be ok. Just cry away that sadness. I've got you."
And after years of playing tuff, I broke in front of my mom and cried my heart out.
Mom held me close as I whimpered and tried to explain to her what had happened. I knew I couldn't fix it alone, and for once, I knew mom had enough experience in life to give me a hand through the shit.
- "There is something you don't know about Spencer"- I whispered and whipped the tears from my face with my sleeve.
- "What is it, baby?"
- "He... had a very hard time after he got abducted a few years ago. It all happened a year after I joined the team, the unsub who got him gave him some drugs and he was hooked for a few months."
- "Hooked? You mean... he was an addict?"- the shock in her voice was obvious.
- "Yes, to Dilaudid. It's an opioid analgesic used to help relieve pain, and it's highly addictive. The unsub forced him to use it, and after that experience, Spencer had issues quitting that shit."
- "So... he is..."- mom stared at me, trying not to look as surprised as she was.
- "A junkie, yes. But he was clean for so many years. I... was sure he was never going to use it again, mom. I mean it. He was doing so good for the last... almost four years."
- "Then what happened?"- mom whispered as she kept caressing my hair slowly, trying to soothe me.
- "I found a bottle of Dilaudid in his jacket."- I whispered, ashamed of my confession. Mom didn't say a word, she just kissed my temple and hugged me tighter.
- "My baby."
- "And now I don't know what to do, mom."- I tried to continue talking, but the tears didn't let me. Instead, I turned into a sobbing mess and my mom kept hugging me through the pain.
- "You don't have to do anything tonight, peanut. You don't need to make a decision, forgive him or even hate him. Nothing. You can just cry as much as you want and then maybe have a drink or ten with me."- I chuckled at those words and nodded.
- "Ten drinks sound good."
- "I know. We don't even have to talk about this anymore."
- "You are not gonna ask me about the wedding?"- I whispered, fearing the worst.
- "No, baby. Tonight we drink and eat, and watch a bunch of movies until we pass out. What do you think?"- I sighed and nodded, looking at my mom.
- "I think I'd like that very much."
Mom made me feel like a kid again. And for once, I didn't argue with it. She forced me to eat my dinner, and then gave me an obsene amount of ice cream. She even let me pick the movies we'd watch. By the end of the night, we crawled into her big bed, slightly drunk after a few too many glasses of whisky.
- "I love him, mom"- I mumbled, hugging her as we both got ready to sleep.
- "I know you do, peanut. You'll see, tomorrow everything is gonna be better."
- "How?"- I opened an eye and stared sat her. She just smiled and whispered.
- "I have no idea, but I guess it just can't get worst now, can it?"
I stared at her in silence and just closed my eyes. Could things get worst? Hell yeah. But I didn't want to even think about it.
Spencer's point of view
I stared at the ceiling of my apartment, barely blinking. The whole place was in silence, I laid on my couch, not moving. Not doing anything. I couldn't focus on any book, I couldn't even think. Everything ached, and there was nothing that could make me feel better, except (Y/N)'s voice. Or even just her presence. Her forgiveness.
I knew I had fucked it up. And I still didn't know how to show her just how much I love her. Would she believe me if I show her the negative drug tests? I didn't know. She haD to, I mean, it was the only proof I had that showed I hadn't used a drop of any drugs. But still. I broke her trust. I lied.
Why did I lie? Why couldn't I just tell her how I was feeling? Why was I so weak to think getting drugs was a good idea? And how on earth did I ever think I could hide it from her? She is one of the best profilers I know, if she hadn't found the drug in my jacket, she would have figured it out any other way. I was doomed.
I groaned and hugged a pillow, covering my head with it. I couldn't even I cry anymore, there were no tears left inside my eyes. Just regret, sorrow and anger. I was so mad at me I could have slapped me.
All of a sudden, my phone rang and I jumped from the couch in a second. I quickly answered it and felt my heart jumping inside my chest a hundred miles per hour.
- "(Y/N)!"- I nearly yelled, filled with hopes.
- "Sorry, it's me"- Garcia said at the other side of the line and my heart dropped, breaking again- "I just wanted to know how things were going."
- "Not much to say."- I sat on the couch again and sighed- "Thank you for calling anyway."
- "Did you talk to her?"
- "No, she won't talk to me."
- "I'm sorry, Reid."
- "It's ok. She needs time, I guess."- I didn't even believe that myself, but I imagined if I repeated it as many times as possible, it could turn into my truth.
- "Is there anything I can do?"- I stared at the desolate room in front of me, feeling (Y/N)'s presence all around me. I shook my head and closed my eyes, trying not to see the emptiness.
- "Thanks, Garcia."
- "If you need anything, let me know, ok?"
- "Sure."- I knew I wasn't going to bother her, but it was the polite thing to say.
- "And eat lots of seeds and nuts. Nuts and seeds have naturally occurring magnesium, and magnesium influences the production of serotonin, which is the happy-happy-joy-joy chemical in your brain"- I smiled and promised her I would try to eat some. Then I hung up and brushed my hands against my face.
I didn't want to eat, read, or do anything. I walked around the apartment, hunting my own house. I was the ghost of past happiness. Everything around the house hurt me. Her clothes, her books, and the wedding invitation samples on our dinner table. If things ended between us, I knew I was never going to be myself again, because she held every single part of my sanity. My chipmunk, ma cherie. My life.
A knocking on the door took me from my thoughts, and I ran to answer it, begging it was her, coming to talk to me. But no, of course, it wasn't her. Instead, Frank stood there, with a six-pack and two paper bags with what smelled like burgers.
- "Did you eat?"- he asked and walked in, not even saying hello.
- "I'm not in the mood for food."
- "That's ok, you have to eat anyway, doc."- I closed the door and sighed. My friend stood in the middle of the room and took a look around, shaking his head.
- "This place is a mess."
- "Thanks?"- I didn't know what to say, but he just cut me a smile.
- "Come on, doc. I'm here. I brought food and beer. Let's have dinner. Or at least sit at the table with me and pretend to eat, so I can tell (Y/N) you are still kind of functional."- I stared at him in shock, trying to understand what he had just said.
- "Did... did she send you here?"
- "No, well, technically no."- Frank chuckled and took off his jacket, walking to one side of the table- "But I am calling her later and telling her I dropped by 'cos I was worried about you, and I'll tell her you were a mess without her anyway. If you want me to add malnourished to the description, that's up to you."
Frank grabbed one of the bags and opened it as he sat down. Honestly, that burger did smell good, and considering I hadn't eaten much that day, other than coffee, I could give it a try. Slowly, I moved to the other side and grabbed the other bag. My friend smiled and nodded, watching me the entire time.
- "They are veggie burgers. I hope you don't mind."- Frank warned me, chewing.
- "I don't. Thank you..."
- "Don't worry. What are friends for?"- I took a bite and thought about what I could answer that.
- "Won't (Y/N) get mad at you for coming here tonight? I mean, she has been your friend for way longer than me."
- "I know that, but you are still my friend, and I worry about you. Regardless of what happens between you two."- Frank answered my question so relaxed and carefree, I was speechless. So I just nodded and took another bite of my burger- "Mikey told me he saw her today by the way."
- "Yes, he stopped by to have lunch with her. I didn't get to talk to him."
- "That's ok, he is still mad at you."- Frank kept talking like he wasn't shocking me with each word. So I tried to be cool and not choke as I stared at him, sipping his beer.
- "He is mad at me?"
- "Yeah. And so am I, but that's another subject."- I widened my eyes and looked at him, waiting for an explanation- "Come on! You broke nugget's heart. You can't expect me to be happy about it. But I understand it was a mistake and you didn't mean to do it."- Frank explained and shrugged- "No one is perfect. But I know you love her and you are regretting all these bad decisions."
- "I do, I really do."
- "See? You are a good guy but you fucked it up. You'll be ok, trust me."- he just smiled and continued eating. Frank was my friend, a good friend. Suddenly I realized how lucky I was to have him in my life.
I was scared to say the wrong thing and remind him how mad he was with me, though. So I said very little as we ate. Frank asked a few things: if I had slept, and how I managed not to talk to (Y/N) during work time. He told me about his day, maybe to take me from my own mind.
- "You really freaked out Tarah last night"- he announced after a long pause and cracked another beer.
- "Sorry, who?"
- "The girl in my bed, remember bumping into a stranger when you ran around my apartment trying to find your girlfriend?"- it hit me suddenly, the naked girl in his bed, her shocked face, my deep embarrassment.
- "Sorry, I didn't know you had company."- he lighted a cigarette and simply nodded.
- "It's ok. I wanted you to meet her before the wedding, but those weren't the circumstances I had in mind."
- "She is your plus one? Does (Y/N) know you are bringing a date?"
- "Well, the invitation included a plus one, but I don't know if she knows I am bringing an actual date and not a mutual friend. I wanted to tell you this weekend, invite you over to my place and introduce her. But you two decided it was drama time."
- "Sorry about that."- I looked down at my hands for a moment, embarrassed- "So, where did you guys meet?"
- "A few weeks ago at a local show. We hit it off very fast, and so far it's been great."- he seemed honest, but I knew what the both of us were thinking- "Yeah, Nugget is gonna freak out when I tell her I'm taking a stranger to the wedding. That's why I wanted you to meet her before."
- "I wouldn't worry if I were you. I'm not even sure there's gonna be a wedding after this whole mess."
- "Hey! Come on!"- Frank stood up and walked to the kitchen, grabbed a bottle and two glasses. I just stared at him and shook my head.
- "I mean it. This might be it."
- "Doc, I refuse to think I fucking waited five years for you two to confess your love and start dating only to ruin it five months into the relationship."- he poured two whisky glasses and sat in front of me again- "Do you know what you are gonna do to win her back?"
- "No, I don't know."- I confessed and grabbed the glass. I didn't really know what else to do but sit there and drink with my friend. At least he could listen.
- "What do you mean you don't know? You are a fucking genius!"
- "I... I..."- I stuttered and held my head with both hands- "I know I have to win her trust back, and I also know that's nearly impossible. I only got one way to do it, or at least there is one thing I can think about."
- "Which is?"
- "I got drug tested this morning. Saliva, urine, and hair. It's the only way I can prove to her I am not using any kind of drug."- Frank smiled and raised his hand.
- "High-five it, doc! Finally a better idea than running after her, crying."- I did what he asked, but frowned as soon as I heard the rest of his words- "You know begging won't work with her. That's why I told you to think and use all your intel to make this work. It's not gonna be easy, but I know you can do it."
- "So what if I get the results and she still doesn't forgive me? What then?"
Frank sipped his drink and smoked in silence for a moment. I just looked at him waiting for him to have the answer to all my questions. But instead, he just replied.
- "Then you better have a kickass plan B, 'cos you'd be fucked."
That was not what I wanted to hear.
Friday wasn't supposed to be as grey as that morning was. It was our last working day before our wedding holiday. But instead of being happy and excited, I just felt oppression in my heart that barely allowed me to breathe. I woke up that morning with a killer headache. Frank left after we had a few drinks and literally forced me to to go bed and try to sleep. Around three am I think I finally managed to close my eyes. I don't know if I felt so bad that morning due to sleep deprivation or if I was hungover. Maybe a little bit of both.
On my way to work, I stopped by (Y/N)'s favorite coffee shop and got her breakfast. Black coffee, a fruit salad, and an eclair. I didn't know if she was going to hide in JJ's old office again or if she would be back at her desk. But I wanted to be ready for any scenario.
I didn't know what was gonna happen with (Y/N) that day, or if she would want to talk to me at all.