A bright white light shines over me. A shiver runs down my spine. A voice calls out from afar. "Alex, how could you?" I look around, but no one and nothing is around me. My breathing increases. "You said you loved me, so why did you do this?" There it is again. It sounds like it is all around me.
"Ethan?" I wait for the voice to speak again. "Where are you? Ethan? Ethan?"
"Alex, wake up. Alex?" I hear a quiet voice whispering in my ear. The light begins to fade, and darkness forms around me. I woke up in a panic. "Hey, you're alright. It was a nightmare. You're safe." I look over to Justin, who is rubbing my arms. I calm myself as I lay back down. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asks.
I look into his eyes. He has already seen me at my worst and has been by my side. Why not tell him about the lowest part of my life? I turn my head back straight.
"Ethan was my high school boyfriend. We met freshman year and started dating in Junior year. He was kind-hearted and caring. Always looking out for those who could not look out for themselves. It was what I loved about him." I sigh. I start remembering the good old days. When everything was perfect, and Ethan was still alive. "There was a group of us, including Scott, that were inseparable. At least, I thought so. We all graduated together and even stayed in full contact with each other." I smile, remembering the good times we all had. "Ethan was going to be an engineer, and I went into the police academy when I turned nineteen." I took a minute to compose myself as I felt a tear roll down my face. "We got engaged a day after I graduated from the academy. We moved into an apartment in Vinestin shortly after. My parents retired and moved down to Florida a couple of months later." I go quiet.
"What happened to Ethan?" Justin asks after a minute of silence.
A knot forms in my stomach. "Two years into our engagement, I was working a night shift in the next town over. Lake Ashton. Ethan went to a bar to hang out with our friends that night. I was finishing up a call at the hospital around 1:15 in the morning when I was called over the radio to return to the station. I instantly knew something was wrong, but I never thought that.." I start to choke up. Justin lovingly rubs his thumb over my hand while holding it. "At 1:35 am, I walked into my sergeant's office, and one of my colleagues, Officer Williams, was standing beside him with a somber look on his face." I rubbed my eyes with my one free hand.
"It's okay. Keep going," Justin says.
"It was then my sergeant told me that Ethan was hit by a drunk driver while crossing the street and died on his way to the hospital." My tears start flowing. Justin grabs me and turns my body into him.
"I am so sorry," he whispers into my ear. It makes me cry even harder. "I am here for you. Let it out."
I sob, "it's not even the worst part." I take a deep breath. "After he died, it broke me. I lost myself for a long time. I turned to alcohol and sex as a remedy to fill the void I felt." I laugh at myself. "And none of it filled it. How stupid am I?"
"You are not stupid. Do not ever say that again. Seeing who you are now, tells me that you suffered through a huge tragedy, but you survived it, and now you're stronger than before."
I nod my head. "I lost my friends, including Scott, because of the alcohol. I lost my job because of it. I came in extremely hungover more than once, and the final straw was when I was at a bar, and I made a drunken scene. The police were called, and I got arrested that night for trying to hit one of the officers." I look up at him. "You want to know the worst part about that?" He nods. "All they were trying to do was get me home and not press charges."
"Ouch."
"Yep. I could have gone home, slept it off, and gone to work. But after I was released, it got worse. I had no income, I pushed my friends away, I could not pay my rent, and I kept on drinking. The only thing that saved me was Ethan's mom."
"Really?" I nod. "How?" he asks.
"She saw me at a restaurant bar one night, and I was being loud and belligerent. I guess she called my parents to let them know that I was not okay. The next thing I knew, my dad was at my apartment and told me to pack my things, that I was moving back home or I was going to rehab. The rest is history."
"Wow," is all he says. He looks off into the distance. Please say something. Do not pull away. He put his eyes back on me. "I understand you a lot better now." I chuckle. "I get why you fiercely protect your friends even after only knowing them for a short time." He smiles.
"I'm a protector. It's in my nature."
"Is that why you beat yourself up so much over Ethan? Because you feel like you could not protect him. How would you have been able to save him from being hit by a car? There was nothing you could do."
I look away. "He was only at the bar that night because of me."
"What do you mean?"
I sigh. "We had a fight before I left for work. It continued over the phone, and he told me he was going to hang out with some friends to think about some things."
"Oh. I'm sorry. What happened to the guy who hit him?"
My blood boils. "They never found him."
"What! How not?"
"The guy drove off. And, of course, his license plate was not found on any of the cameras. Only the type of car, a 2017 gray Mercedes. The most common color for Mercedes, of course." I look into his eyes. "The last thing I said to him was that I hated him, and he was annoying."
He was quiet for a little bit. "I'm sorry. Did you mean it?"
"Of course not. I loved him. I was mad at him over something so stupid."
"Still, it was not your fault. You didn't tell him to go out. He made that choice. And the guy who drove drunk. Even if you were with him that night, there would have been nothing you could have done because he still would've jumped in front of it to save you." He pulls my head gently towards him with his hand cupped underneath it. "It might be in your nature to protect, but when someone is in love, they also have the urge to protect. So I believe the same outcome would have happened if you were with him. It's okay, you know. A lot of us have a past that tortures us in some way or another. And he knew you loved him. No matter what was said that night, he knew you didn't mean it."
We lay in silence for a moment. I had finally told someone about my past that I have been ashamed of. Instead of running away from my baggage, not only did he stay, but he listened and helped me through it. Truthfully, I did not know how he would take it. I think deep down, though, I knew the type of man he is, and he is not one to abandon someone he cares for. But at the same time, I do not know much about him. I didn't even know he was in the army.
Claire let that slip, and Justin stayed quiet about it. It didn't bother me much then because I had a past I did not want to talk about, too, but now that everything's out in the open, I feel different. I feel free. I want the same for him.
Staring up at the ceiling, I say, "hey, Justin?"
"Yeah," he says sweetly.
"Why do you not like talking about your past?"
He takes a breath. "Just like you, I am also tortured by my past." He goes quiet.
I do not dare to speak. I will leave it up to him if he wants to continue talking or not. He rustled a little with the covers repositioning himself.
"As you know, I used to be in the United States Army. I served for four years." I feel him move his body to face mine. I do the same. We look into each other's eyes. It is my turn to be here for him. "I joined when I was eighteen. My mom was not happy about it. She wanted me to follow in my siblings' footsteps and become a doctor."
I arch my brows. "I didn't know all your siblings were doctors."
The corners of his mouth turn up into a smile. He nods his head. "I was the odd one out. I have always wanted to join the army since I was little. I don't know why but I was fascinated with the men and women who joined." He shakes his head. "Anyways, I made my way up to First Lieutenant with hopes of becoming a captain." He sighs. "Then I was sent to Afghanistan. My unit and I were on our way to meet with some village elders when we were ambushed. One of our Humvees hit an IED and blew up in front of us. All I could think at that moment was, this is it. We're done for. The vehicle I was in swerved off the road." He closes his eyes. "Then the bullets started to rain down on us. With the number of shots I heard, I figured we were surrounded and outnumbered. I grabbed my gun and crawled out of the door. I hit the ground on my stomach. I thought I would be able to see the feet of the men, but they were hiding behind some hills a few feet away from us. Those bastards had us pinned down good. Every Time I tried to move, I had bullets flying past me." He looks away for a moment. "I ended up with shrapnel in my leg and needed surgery. " That would explain the limp he has when he walks. "After that, I was honorably discharged." The look of anger came upon his face.
I start rubbing his stomach. "If it is too painful to talk about, we don't have to."
"No, it's fine. Just give me a minute." I patiently wait. "I lost men that night that I could have saved."
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"We were not outnumbered. It only sounded like it, and if I could have gotten into a better position sooner, I would have known that."
"But you couldn't; they had you pinned down."
He shakes his head. "I should have known the difference between ten guns or five. But all the training I had went out the window, and I froze for too long. I could not get my mind to think or listen. While I watched three of my men die beside me. All I had to do was move out from behind the vehicle." He balls his fists. "Then four kids would still have their dads."
"I'm so sorry." He smiles, but I could tell he was forcing it. I did not think he was dealing with this trauma. The way he presents himself, he hides it so well. "Have you talked to someone about this?"
"I have. It took years for me to start getting my mind right again. But I have, and I moved on with my life. I knew I could never go back to the army, but I had the knowledge to start my own business."
Good. He got help. That is all that counts. I laid my head down on his stomach, and he played with my hair. Eventually, I nodded back off to sleep.