im changing the plan, so things are going to go faster now:)
⚘ Talk. ⚘
I fucking hate Lee Minho. Its official, like seriously official. I was totally played.
I thought that night would be our moment. Our moment where we finally, finally, start to get along. We did when his dick was in me, but not after. Not when I was crying, and he was in the other room unfazed.
And even now, a fucking week later.
I have to admit though, this week hasn't been a normal week. I catch him glaring at me and whoever I'm with. It makes me so angry that he does these things. It makes me think he actually cares.
Nobody noticed, but I did. I also noticed something change in me. Whenever he is near me, I get this feeling. It's not a bad feeling, I actually like the feeling, it's just a feeling I don't want to have for a man who hates me.
Or, for a man who I think hates me. I really don't know anymore. He says he hates me, but then comes back for a second kiss. He says he hates me, then tells me to strip. He says he hates me, then gets jealous when I even breathe around another man. I don't know.
There's also this other thing.
The new dance.
Fuck, the new dance.
The song is Shameless, by Camila Cabello. It's a song I don't want to dance to with him, but I have to. Chan gave us some of the main moves again. He said it's because the fans loved the last performance, but I think it's him secretly making us spend time together.
The competition is in three weeks. We have a two and a half weeks to practice, and three or four days of rest in between. It's also been revealed that after this performance, we will be getting a break. That is how big it is.
I stretch my body out, before standing up. My eyes go to Minho, who is standing across the room. I take my eyes away from him before he notices. Things have been so hard. I don't know if I hate him or want him to tell me it's okay.
"Are you completely sure you are okay with this?" Chan asks. It's the third time in the past ten minutes he has asked me this question. "I'm scared to leave you guys alone again."
I chuckle. Of course I'm not okay with it. My laughing shields my sadness. I laugh, but Minho doesn't, in fact he actually raises his head to look at me, so I awkwardly clear my throat. "Yeah, I'll be fine." I say.
"I just.." he pauses. He looks to Minho, then back to me. "I have noticed things have been off, he has been glaring at you a lot more.. I'm just scared to leave you guys alone. I don't want you to fight."
I inhale a breath. He's noticed. I shake my head. "No, it's okay. I'm in a good mood, I'll be nice." I say.
"It's not about you..." he says, looking to Minho. "You will be nice as well, right?"
Minho looks up from his phone, looking at Chan. He scoffs. "I won't hurt your precious boy, Chan." He looks over to me. "Not again, at least." He says, a suggesting smile.
I clench my fist.
He looks back to Chan. "Just go, you're wasting our practice time." He puts his phone in his back pocket.
Chan sighs. "Fine. I'll go." He says. He starts to walk to the door, but pauses. "Come up with a good choreography, please. Nothing too.. much."
"Okay." I say, nodding my head.
He leaves the room, leaving Minho and I alone. I don't know what's going to happen now. I'm a bit scared to be alone with him. I never know what's going to happen. I'm also seriously, no, terribly mad at him still. Fucking hate this guy...
Things are silent for a few minutes. Minho got up and walked over to the counter, scribbling some things down. I stood there awkwardly, before starting to create little moves.
Minho clears his throat. "Any idea—" his words trail off.
He watches me do a little routine. I know he's watching me, my every move, but I try to stay calm as my body moves. When I stop, I turn to him and act shocked that he was watching me.
"Oh– I uh.." I sniffle, scratching my nose. "I was just–"
"That's a good idea." He says. He stands up, walking to where he can see himself in the mirror. He, surprisingly, does some of the moves I had done. It shocks me he learned then so quickly, but what did I expect from him?
"Yeah." He says, nodding his head. He turns to me. "That's good." He says.
I don't say anything. I raise my brows, my lips straight. That's the only face I make to acknowledge him. He doesn't like it. He tried not to show it— but he is really hard at hiding his emotions.
His body tensed, and he looked away. He stays silent for a few seconds, before turning back to me. "Look I—" he stops.
It's silent for a while before I speak. "You what?" I ask, softly.
"Can we.. like talk or something?" He asks."I just feel like we need to."
"No." I shake my head.
He freezes. ".. No?"
I shake my head. "No. There's nothing to talk about." I shrug.
My heart is racing. There is so much for us to talk about, like what the hell we are? Was it just a one night thing? Should I forget it? The amount of passion?
"Hyunjin.."
"There's nothing to talk about." I turn to him. "You said it yourself.. it was nothing." I say, turning this on him. I want him to feel what I felt. I want him to feel the way he made me feel when I wanted to change our ways.
"I didn't say that.." He says.
"But you meant it." I say immediately after.
He inhales a breath. I hope it's all hitting him now. I hope he feels the pain I felt yesterday night. I know it's a shitty move, but I'm sick of whatever is going on.
I really don't even know what is going on. He is jealous, but he hates me. He doesn't even know me, but he fucks me. And now this? What does he expect to even talk about?
He looks... distraught. "Can we please.. just talk? Like seriously. I don't like what happened and how we left it. Please just let me speak."
"Don't." I shake my head. "It's way too late. We never even had anything, it was just one night, don't think so highly of it." I say. I'm really pushing it now. "So don't even say what you're going to say, because we aren't anything that needs to be spoken about."
He rubs his lips together. "Fine. Okay." He says. And I think that's the end of it, but he speaks again.
"But Hyunjin," he says, looking into my eyes. "I don't hate you. After everything that I've done— I think it's obvious. I don't hate you, and I never even have." He says.
Oh.
I don't even...
I—
Stop.
"Let's just focus on the dance." I shut him down, throwing what he said away. "We have work to do. This is more important right now." I say, walking over to play the music.
I don't want to see his face. I don't want to see the reaction he had. I don't show any emotions as I walk away from him.
Keep walking.
Don't look back, don't let the feelings get to you.
When the music plays, I feel everything we could have solved if we just talked... wash away.
I breathe heavily. The dance we have come up with is very hard to do. I think I might be pushing myself as a coping mechanism. Or maybe, Minho just likes seeing me suffer. I plop down on the couch.
But I have to admit... he's been a bit different.
It's now a couple days since our conversation in the dance studio. I don't even think I can call it a 'conversation' though, because I shut it down immediately. We didn't even talk.
But his words have had a big effect on me.
He doesn't hate me. He never has.
It has me questioning if I ever hated him. I don't think I ever seriously did in the beginning, it was only a grudge. He didn't like me, so I decided I didn't like him. I didn't ever fully hate him, but there was something that wasn't 'like' developing for him after the other night. However, I think it's stopped— And I think the feeling that was there for him before is back.
But I'd rather die than admit I have a crush on Lee Minho. Or that I've grown fond of the idea that he doesn't hate me. I don't know. I really don't know. All I know, is that I need to figure out whatever is going on.
My whole month has been about Minho. Everything he did affected me, everything he does. I can't have that. I can't have my whole mood change based on one member. I need to be a good member of the team, not one who is an annoyance.
"Do you think this is all we will ever be?" He suddenly asks.
I furrow my brows, turning my head to Jisung. "What? What are you talking about?" I ask, as we sit on the leather couch in the dance studio.
We are on a ten minute break. The team has been practicing non-stop all day. It's only now, at almost five in the afternoon, we get a little break. I guess the post-practice thoughts are hitting both Jisung and I.
"Well I mean—" he starts.
I stop him. "Actually, I don't even want to know." I shake my head.
He scoffs, hitting my arm. "Asshole." He says, chuckling.
"How am I an asshole?" I whine defensively, before chuckling. He shrugs as he giggles, leaning on me as he does as well.
"You're so strange." I giggle.
He continues to lay on me, and I just let it go. Until, I raise my head. Minho. Minho is looking at me. He isn't glaring though, it's something else. He looks away when our eyes fully meet.
Weird.
"What's up with him?" Jisung asks.
It shocks me how close his voice is to my ear, so I kind of flinch. "I don't know." I sigh. "He has he been really weird lately. He told me that he doesn't hate me, and never actually has."
Jisung starts to chuckle. "He finally said that?"
I pause. I sit up, looking at Jisung. "What does that mean?"
He sits up as well. "Hyunjin." He says. "You know that Minho and I are the closest on the team, right?" He says. "So we talk, a lot. I know he doesn't hate you, and I know way more than that."
"You can't say that and not tell me anything." I say.
"I would be a bad friend then." He says. "I can't tell you what he says to me. It's a... it's like a middle school secret."
I whine. "But I need to know."
Jisung furrows his brows. "Why?" He asks.
I freeze. "Well I—" I stutter. "I just need to know."
"I need you to tell me something first then." He says. "No bullshit, Do you like him?" He asks. "Like seriously, like him?"
I kind of tense when he asks. It doesn't feel right thinking of Minho in this way. But.. it does? I don't like Minho. I don't like him, I don't like him.
"No." I shake my head. "I just want to know if he talks bad about me, that's it."
It doesn't feel right to lie.
But I'm not lying.
Jisung sighs. "I guess you both are in denial then."
I guess.
Wait.. what?