I feel like a new person after my shower. The water was so hot a probably boiled off my skin, but it felt good all the same.
I need a better plan after we reach Saba. I don't even know what I'm doing anymore, and any rage or need for revenge I felt for Kiara has completely disappeared. It disappeared within the first few hours on the ship, and without that I have no reason to even be doing this.
It's a little bit late for that now, though.
When I'm around her, I feel like I did when we were younger. A sort of shyness, but at the same time I want her to like me. I want to please her, to make her realize I am there, waiting for her if only she would see.
Once our family was throwing a party for all the Kooks and their families. I hadn't wanted to go, but Dad had forced me to. I was standing next to Topper at the snacks table when I saw her. I remember how mesmerized I was. She was wearing a silky short green dress that hugged her body. Her hair was straightened, which was the first time I had seen it that way. She looked impossibly beautiful. I remember wondering how someone like that could even exist.
Almost exactly the same thing happened two years ago at Singhs house when she came downstairs in that red dress. I was shocked to see her, but she was so stunning I didn't even question it at first. When I saw her, I remember wondering the same thing I had years earlier.
It was the same thing I hated feeling so much I sabotaged my chances when I had them all that time ago on the night of the party.
But something about seeing her in my clothes today made me insane. Possessive, even. She isn't mine, but I really want her to be. I need her to be mine. It was a feeling that made me really feel out of my mind. Worse than my cravings when I got clean, it was stronger than that.
My t-shirt was big on her, and she was wearing my underwear. It was like when I imagined her waking up beside me, I just never knew I'd really see her in my clothes.
"Fuck-" I muttered as my hands trailed down. I have to be careful, she's right upstairs. One sound and it's all over.
I closed my eyes and I imagined us together. Her hair soft beneath my touch as her head bobbed up and down, up and down.
Even I have to admit it felt strange to be doing this while thinking of her again. I thought those days were behind me, but I guess not.
The heat pooled in my stomach, building up more and more as time passed until I was on the brink of relief. My breath hitched as I tried to be quiet. I imagined her on her knees, her dark eyes looking into mine as she brought me closer and closer still.
"Rafe?"
Please not now...I'm so close- fuck...
I heard a creak on the stairs.
I moaned softly, my mouth forming an "o" shape.
Please don't come down- just wait a second Kie-
"Rafe are you okay?"