august 3rd
'alright guys. we need to buy food, like food cans, pizzas, some things to drink' dina says. everyone is sitting on the sofas and dina is in the center. it feels like a meeting. 'there's no need to take two cars right? so, who wants to go?'
there's a silence because no one wants to spend a fifteen-minute drive with this heat.
'come on guys. i'll go but not alone!' dina sighs.
to be honest you really don't want to go. mel will obviously not go and owen takes advantage of it, saying he has to stay with her just in case something happens. dina squeezes jesse's hand, and he rolls his eyes. 'who's coming with us?' he says.
'why are you all acting like you are going to be tortured?' dina whines.
'because it is torture! see how hot it is under the sun right now. we are going to melt in the car'
'it's just fifteen minutes!'
'alright i'll go with you' ellie announces.
thank god, ellie sacrifices herself. you would have gone with them. but you are still on your period and you know how bad it would go with the heat. you would probably faint in the middle of the ride. ellie sighs and gets up, and she passes next to dina.
'thank you ellie' dina says. 'okay let's go. the earlier we go the earlier we be back'
it just takes them five minutes before they leave with one of the car. before that, all of you made a list of things to buy.
despite the heat, the weather is pretty good. and it even feels great to sit on the grass beneath the trees. owen, abby and lev don't waste anytime and jump in the lake. abby and owen look like kids. you see mel lying down on the ground without anything beneath her, which worries you a bit.
'are you okay?' you asks while you sit next to her.
'oh yeah i'm so good right now' she hums, her eyes closed while she rubs her belly.
you look at them being so excited in the lake before you lie down. 'so, how long you and owen have been together?' you ask, genuinely wondering.
'about five years. but it feels like forever' she answers before adding 'but in a good way! i never get bored when i'm with him'
'oh, i see'
'what about you?' she asks. 'i'm single' you simply say.
'oh really? how is that?'
you are not really looking for a relationship, not because you don't want one, but because you feel like you are incapable to fall in love. you had two relationships in the past, both were guys and ended after a few months. at first it was perfect. you felt loved, but then the more the time passed the more it felt like a waste of time. so each time you ended it, saying you were not ready to be in a realtionship yet, and that it was not the right time. months later, you tried to have sexfriends when you realized that you never really loved both of them. it was just to feel something. but there was nothing.
now you only take time for yourself, tired of being disappointed by your own emotions and feelings, and the high expectations you have. but hearing mel talking about how in love she is, how amazing owen is with her, it makes you jealous somehow. you don't want to admit it to yourself but you literally crave the kind of love that would make you feel so loved and worthy that you would melt. for now, you are just people watching the others living what you secretly dream of.
your phone suddenly vibrates against your thigh. you frown, wondering who would text you right now. you straighten up and take a look. a text from an unknown number appears on your screen.
FROM ELLIE:
hey, it's ellie. dina is asking if we should take a beer keg?
how did she get your phone number? did dina give her? you don't ask mel about the beer keg and answer quickly.
TO ELLIE:
you should take one, yeah
you then realize she got your phone number the very first day you met her, when she handed you her phone to call yours when you couldn't find it in the car. the idea that she didn't get it from dina but that she got it from her call history makes you smile. not even a minute passes when you receive another message from her.
FROM ELLIE:
you like beer?
TO ELLIE:
no really, it makes me pee a lot
FROM ELLIE:
haha, i see. what do you like to drink?
TO ELLIE:
rosé i guess. i don't like strong alcohols
FROM ELLIE:
okay, that's nice
ellie is quick to answer. and you like the idea of her walking through the shop shelves waiting for your text.
FROM ELLIE:
we took two beer kegs btw
TO ELLIE:
you guys are going to pee so much
FROM ELLIE:
i guess haha
you save her number as 'ellie'. you feel mel moving, and when you turn your head, you see her literally taking her clothes off.
'sorry, but i think i'm going to die if i stay like this' she says as she takes her t-shirt off, only wearing bra. her pregnant belly is showing even more now. you just nod.
you decide to do the same, no bothering to change and wear appropriate clothing. thankfully you are wearing a cute bra. you keep your short on though. you period is supposed to end tomorrow, finally. plus, you are wearing pink panties with little flowers on it (it's the panties your usually wear during your period.
you lie down on your stomach and take your phone in your hands. you scroll through your social medias. there is nothing really important or at least interesting. without thinking, you open your messages and click on ellie's conversation. you look at the texts you sent, trying to find something to say. it takes you five minutes before going for the lamest text ever.
TO ELLIE:
the heat hasn't killed you yet?
you look at the words, already wanting to slap yourself for thinking it would be a good idea of text. but she answers quickly again.
FROM ELLIE:
just say you want the bedroom for yourself
you smile, and begin to write something before another text appears.
FROM ELLIE:
but no, fresh air here. you should've come
TO ELLIE:
ugh, i'm already regretting
you put your phone next to you and lie your head down on your arms. you close your eyes, and listen to the birds and the splash noises coming from the lake. you find yourself falling asleep, until you hear voices getting loud every minutes. you open your eyes and turn your head. you see dina, ellie and jesse holding bags and talking to abby and owen who are still playing in the lake with lev.
ellie turns her head from you as soon as you raise yours. she would lie if she says she hasn't searched for you the moment she left the car. in fact, you are the very first person she laid her eyes on. she saw your almost naked back, she thought your legs look light and soft. so stupid, to look at you the way she does.
so stupid the way your eyes follow her slowly vanish inside the house.
you are not obsessed with her, you've known her for only two days. but there is something about her, and you don't find a word to describe it. you don't know if it's her voice, how she talks or how she looks. you can't deny how beautiful she is. you have found a lot of girls pretty, but ellie is... more than pretty. what's the word for that?
for some reason, you wait for her to join you on the grass. the few texts you exchanged make you think that she would want to keep talking with you. but it has been ten minutes since she entered the house with the groceries. you lay down on your stomach again and close your eyes.
you feel something cold on your arm, which makes you raise your head. dina is squatting next to you with ice creams in her hands. 'want an ice cream ladies?' she asks both of you.
you gladly take one of her hands. mel almost pull one from dina, acting like a starving pregnant woman.
you straighten up and sit, crossing your legs. you open the ice cream and start to lick it. when you take a look at the three idiots still playing in the water, there are now four of them. ellie is there too. you haven't seen her joining them.
you just see the top of her body, from her head to the beginning of her chest as her body is in the water. you can tell she is wearing sports bra. it is white. she did her hair in a bun again, and you think it looks good on her. the ends of her hair are wet. you can hear her laugh for where you are.
and that's it. you can't take your eyes off of her. she is pretty. you shake your head when you realize you've been staring too much, your ice cream melting on your hand. you stand up and go inside wash your hands after you've eaten it. dina and jesse are upstairs probably changing themselves. when you go outside you decide to sit in front of the lake and put your feet in the water. and ellie notices it. she tries to fight the urge to join you, but as soon as you lock your eyes on hers, her body starts to move towards you.
shit, she's getting close to you. you low your eyes and try to pretend you've not been staring at her for minutes. you just pray she hasn't noticed how your eyes lingered on her body. you don't look but still can hear her getting closer as she swim in your direction. the little waves get your legs wetter. she stays in the water, but as the lake is less deep at the extremities, ellie lays down like a little mermaid. her head is literally next to your left leg.
'hi' she says softly, why does it melt your heart? but you stay impassive and just smile.
'how was your little mission?' you ask.
'i survived' she responds while watching you swinging your legs in the water.
she discreetly moves to get closer to you, and she finds herself being satisfied when your left leg meets her left arm everytime it swings. you don't stop your movements when you see she doesn't say anything or react.
'we've passed by an amusement park' ellie says. 'could be nice to go there one day'
'oh really? i like rollercoasters' ellie raises her head and you turn your head, pretending you were looking somewhere else. it's really embarrassing how you can't look in her eyes more than one second.
'what else do you like?' she asks.
'i like phoebe bridgers'
'who's that? your girlfriend?' your cheeks warm up as soon as she says that. ellie jokes about the girlfriend thing, but she's surprised you don't say anything about it.
'oh no, she's one of my favorite singers' you just answer. the way you don't say anything else lets her imagine what kind of person you would like. are you attracted to girls?
'hm never heard of her'
'i should make you a playlist of her best songs then'
'i would like that' she answers. she obviously has heard about phoebe bridgers and had listened to a few songs before. 'what's your favorite's title?'
'i have to think about it. i'll tell you later' you say. actually you know what's your favorite bridgers' song, but it gives you the opportunity to talk to her later again. you move a little to your left, and now your leg and her arm are like glued together.
'what's your favorite song?' you ask, not wanting to have a silence between you.
'definitely take on me by a-ah' you nod. there's is something about ellie that makes her so interesting. the way she talks so calmly, her voice. you take the time to observe the parts of her body that you had not yet seen from this angle. her shoulders, the light-coloured hairs on her arms and her fingers dancing in the water.
'why don't you come in the water too?' she says as she slowly moves away from you. even in the water you can feel the broken contact between your skin and hers. she moves to stand on her knees in front of you, in front of your legs which you squeeze a little more.
'can't, but ask me tomorrow' you say. she nods than smiles at you.
'i will'
the afternoon goes by quickly. from time to time, the ball would land on your side (because dina is a bad pitcher) and either mel or you would throw it back in the lake. when you would throw it back, you would make it land near ellie. and when it would, she would look at you for a second, preferring the idea that you actually had thrown it to her than that you just had thrown it randomly.
after staying in the water for hours, all of them leave. abby and lev take turns in the bathroom to take a shower, as well as jesse, dina and owen. ellie is sitting on a towel she put on the grass on your left. there are still water drops running down her body. mel is still here on your right laying on her back.
you are on your stomach, your head laying on your arms and turning toward ellie. you can't help but look at her. her eyes are closed and her mouth slightly open. your eyes wander over her body, lingering on her belly which you had never seen before. her tattooed arm is on her belly until she suddenly put it down. your eyes widen when her finger touches your thigh, but then you close them as soon as she opens hers.
shit, shit, shit. she hasn't seen you looking at her body, right? she hasn't noticed how you reacted when she accidentally touched your thigh? you keep your eyes closed, too afraid to meet her green eyes. her finger hasn't moved, though. you can still feel it on your burning skin.
the truth is, ellie is shitting herself right now. of course she noticed that she is touching you, that she is touching your thigh. she should move her hand at least, but she doesn't want to, and she doesn't understand why. she just hopes you somehow have not felt her touch, which is impossible, knowing her fingers are still wet from the lake.
so she moves her hand to rub her eyes, and you open your eyes. ellie is looking at you, her eyes locked in yours. she was still looking at you, from the moment she opened her eyes. without breaking the eye contact, her hand softly rests on the ground and makes its way next to your thigh, again. you mouth sightly opens but you never look away. ellie feels her whole body warming up when she sees that you won't look away. she wonders if you feel that too, the strange feeling growing inside of her.
from time to time, ellie's shaking fingers move and almost caress your skin. words try to form in your mouth but nothing comes out, afraid she will stop.
'fuck, i fell asleep' mel mutters. ellie abruptly moves her hand and look away. you do the same and turn your head. seeing mel trying to stand up, you decide to help her. you pull her by the hands so she can stand up. ellie hears mel's grunts and turns her head. she blushes, literally, when she sees you standing there only wearing a pair of shorts and a bra. in spite of herself, her eyes examine that piece of fabric enveloping your chest.
it is so annoying how hard it is to fight the desire to look at you. she observes everything you do, whether it is how your shoulders move when you laugh at something abby says or how you are always the last one to sit on a chair. she notices that you sits next to dina and to abby because they are the two persons you are close to. she also notices the distance between the two of you. in fact, you opposite each other, and it makes it difficult for her to talk to you. during the evening, she hopes you would take your chair and get closer to her. but you don't.
then she shakes her head when she realizes she has exchanged less than twenty sentences with you in three days. of course you wouldn't go to her and talk just like that.
while jesse and owen bicker about you don't know what (but probably something dumb), you eat and drink. sometimes you join in the conversations, but the rest of the time you're quiet.you take your phone and scroll through twitter. pictures of your favorite artists and some of your friends' tweet show up. you retweet some of them for a moment. out of the corner of your eye, you can see ellie fidgeting in her chair. you think about your conversation by the lake, how close she was to you. you open spotify and starts to create a playlist. you select your favorite phoebe bridgers' songs.
ellie notices the way you smile while you look at your phone. she sees your finger sliding over your screen. you maybe are texting someone, she thinks. maybe your boyfriend, but she hopes it is not a boyfriend.
around 11pm, everyone goes upstairs because tomorrow you will be visiting a museum. dina had made it clear that all of you needed to rest because it is going to be a long day.
again, ellie insisted that you go to the bathroom before her. you wash your body, wet your hair and brush your teeth. then it is ellie's turn. when she passes next to you, she smells good despite having spent the whole day in the lake. you took four huge wet towels, just like yesterday and you start to put them on the windows.
you walk past ellie's bed, which is a little unmade, and notice the notebook on the bedside table. maybe she's writing songs in it. it makes you imagine the hobbies she might have. you picture her playing an instrument. after looking at her hands and fingers for a long time today, you imagine her sitting against a tree with a guitar on her lap. her long fingers would be stroking the strings gently.
you sit on your bed and keep adding songs to your playlist. you carefully choose the best songs that she would like, but you try to not add them all. at the end, there are ten songs. forty two minutes. you didn't want to make it too long so she would actually listen to all of it, and maybe tell you which ones she likes the most tonight or tomorrow.
ellie goes out of the bathtub. her naked body stands in front of the sink where her phone is. it has vibrated when she was washing herself. she smiles when she sees your name on the screen and then frowns when she sees what you sent. a link. curious, she unlocks her phone and click on it. her smiles widens when she sees a playlist named 'phoebe bridgers' best songs'.
you actually made one for her. if there is one thing ellie loves, it is when someone takes the time to make her a playlist.
you fall asleep sooner than you wanted. when she comes back in the bedroom, she sees your angelic face resting on your pillow.
ellie spends fifty minutes outside on a chair. she listens to the songs and though it's not her favorite kind of music, she likes them. it surprises her, she doesn't know if she likes them because they are good or if it's because you recommended them.
august 3rd
I have emotional motion sickness
I try to stay clean and live without
And I want to know what would happen
If I surrender to the sound
Surrender to the sound