Flight prices to Portugal in March were more expensive than when we flew in the dead of winter. Our previous trip was more like a holiday so I wasn't sure about our trip this time around. How much time should we spend in Lagos? I had no plan and there was no telling how Clara would react to me visiting her. It's been silence on her end ever since. I'd call her but I was afraid it'd do more harm than good so I've left it for now.
Meanwhile, I was stressed about the apartment situation. My current lease wasn't up until the end of April. I thought having plenty of time to look for an apartment was a good thing, but now that we've actually found one, I was worried the units would be claimed since they're available now but my lease isn't up yet. We've already started the application and know it will take a while to complete. I was already gathering the documents necessary to apply. God, I forgot how much of a pain it is to move.
Florence could sense that I was stressed and tense. She reminded me we could pay a hold deposit if necessary but I didn't want to as that was a lot of money that we didn't have, especially when we could be using it for the trip. But I would also be upset if the units got claimed. I mean—we could continue living in our current place and look, but because our lease will be over, our rent per month will significantly increase. Plus I was becoming attached to the new place, damn it!
At first, the thought of living in a quieter place worried me but then I thought it'd do us some good. I didn't plan on living in the city forever. I'll eventually want to settle down and raise a family in a good, quiet neighborhood. And of course, that made me think about my future with Florence. We've known each other not even a year yet and we've only just started dating but I felt like I've known her a long time.
The only thing that seemed to work in my favor was that Bondy and Larry were okay with me leaving for Portugal again. They were curious what my plan was and when I told them I didn't have one, they actually helped me make one.
"Based on what you've told me, it doesn't seem like she leaves the house often. Even Matilde hasn't seen her and she's lived across from them for 8 years so that's saying something," Bondy went on. "I mean—she'd have to hide to avoid being found but it must be fucking miserable being stuck in that house. Can you imagine?"
I hadn't thought of it that way. Is this really the life she wants? Hiding until she dies? What if she gets ill? What happens then? There's no way Clara would never leave the house. She'd go insane.
"Matilde did say that she's not keeping an eye on their house all the time so it's possible Clara does go out. I mean—I don't pay attention to my neighbors trying to see when they leave and stuff, but unlike Matilde, I know what my neighbors look like." I was trying to give Clara the benefit of the doubt but the more I thought about Bondy's words, the more I wondered how on earth she did it. "Maybe she goes out at night when everyone's asleep."
She'd love it at night. Portugal is quite safe and she could venture out to the cliffs and sit there listening to the sound of the ocean. But does she get lonely? Does she miss going outside without worrying that people will find her? It seems like more work to stay hidden than to tell the truth.
"Has Clara gotten back to you yet?" Bondy asked. I sank back into my seat feeling uncomfortable.
"She actually called on Saturday but Florence picked up. I was away from my phone," I answered. "I don't...I don't think Clara expected a female to answer the phone and she hasn't called since."
"Oh," was all Bondy said, unsure of what to say.
I shouldn't feel guilty for having moved on as we ended things years ago and Clara had since went on to have a child with someone else. But I still did, not that I'm ashamed at having moved on, but at the possibility that I may never hear from her again. It's unreasonable for Clara to not contact me back because of it but a part of me wondered if she did it to not ensue drama in my relationship. Clara might've thought it was someone I was dating being curious who she was and why she'd call. Either way, I'm not sure Clara will reach out anymore.
"Although Matilde hasn't seen Clara yet, she's certain someone else is in the house. Rafael works long hours and comes home late at night but she's seen Mia come home in the afternoon from school. Who'd let a child that young stay home alone for hours on end?" I added.
"Maybe that's the only way to reach Clara," Larry thought out loud.
"Pardon?" I asked.
"No offense but if you were my ex and came knocking on my door, I wouldn't answer. Perhaps Mia can help you."
"And how do you suggest I do that? She has no idea who I am. Imagine you're a little girl and some stranger approaches you. I'd be terrified!" Just like the dream I had when I gave Mia her ball back.
"I was just trying to help! D'ya actually think Clara would answer if you knocked on her door though?"
I stayed silent at that. I've thought about our encounter many times before, thinking of different ways I could meet her and walking through how it'd go. All of them ended with her not being happy to see me because of the pain I caused her. But if we did meet, I don't think she'd turn me away.
"No," I answered. "I can tell she wants to talk but she doesn't know my intention. I know too much and can change her life in an instant. She can avoid me for as long as she can but I know where she lives. She can't run away. She's got a family now."
Right? How quickly can she pack her stuff and move house? Buying and selling a house takes time and Mia's in school. Mia wouldn't be happy about switching schools mid-year. And there's no way Clara would abandon her own family like that. She's a mother with responsibilities. I need to reach out to her again despite not wanting to. I have to make my intentions clear so she doesn't fret or make any drastic decisions.
"You need to reach out to her again," Bondy advised. We both came to the same conclusion at the same time. "And decide what happens next based on how it goes. I don't think it's wise to show up unannounced. You need to let her know you're coming and the reason for your visit. That way, she might be a little more forthcoming. At least that's what I'd want if I was her."
Bondy was right. It's best not to do anything behind her back. I have to be straight with her. The need to call her was strong; I wouldn't be able to focus on work unless I called her. I thanked Bondy and Larry for their help and excused myself to make a phone call. It was a bit nippy out so I went to the 11th floor instead and sat by the window, taking my phone out. I was getting nervous and starting to doubt this plan but I pushed on anyway, calling her number. The phone rang and rang and went to voicemail to my disappointment. I sighed and waited for the tone before speaking.
"Clara, it's me again—Van. Look...I just want to talk about this mess and make things right again. Please call me back when you get the chance. Thanks."
I hung up the phone and sat there for a moment just in case she'd call back but she didn't. I was starting to doubt she'd ever call me back after hearing Florence's voice on the line. But in the off chance that she does, what will I even say? I was determined to call her earlier but every minute that passed made me more and more uncertain. Is this the best way to approach her?
I went back down and sulked silently in. My demeanor immediately told them she didn't answer and they didn't ask about it which I appreciated.
-
"Would it be alright if we go under my dream tomorrow?" I asked Florence at dinner. "I'm hoping to get some answers."
My dreams are both a blessing and a curse. As much as I hate having someone inside my head, I want answers above all else. Since I know Clara is alive, the nature of my dreams have changed, and I was curious to see more, hoping to gain information that would help me reach out to Clara.
I told Florence about our discussion at work and my plan to contact Clara and to tell her my intentions. Florence agreed with the approach saying that's what she'd want but I could see she was still apologetic about answering the phone.
After dinner, Florence went to wash the dishes and I stepped out for a cigarette. I'd normally go out on the balcony to smoke but I wanted to get out of the flat to think things through. It was cold out so I zipped up my jacket and lit a cigarette. My phone began buzzing and I quickly took my phone out to see who was calling.
Clara
In my haste to answer the phone, I dropped my ciggy on the ground.
"Clara," I breathed into the phone. I was met with silence. "Talk to me, please."
I was at wits' end and about to break down if she wasn't going to answer. I've tried so many times to reach out to her but we just missed each other every time. And now I've finally managed to answer the phone but I'm met with silence.
"I'm sorry—I was just surprised to hear your voice," Clara answered. After all these years, she still sounds the same. Her calm voice helped me think clearly again.
"You're alive. You still sound the same." Although we were thousands of miles apart and I was 8 hours behind, it felt like she was with me again.
"You don't sound the same. You've lost some of your accent. Are you still in Seattle?"
I chuckled. "Yeah, I'm still here. Who knew that I'd stay this long."
"How did you find me?"
I was oddly brought back to my dream. She was sitting at her desk turned to face me.
"By sheer luck," I repeated, remembering my answer from before.
"And now that you've found me, what are you going to do?" I stared straight ahead, imagining her eyes piercing my soul.
"I'm gonna try to make things right again."
My dream ended there so anything beyond that line was new to me. I held my breath and waited for her to answer. I'm surprised she's gone this long without hanging up on me.
"What do you mean by that?" she finally answered and the words started tumbling out of my mouth.
"Don't you want your life back? Your parents miss you dearly. I talked to your mum the other week and asked what she'd say to you and do you know what she said? 'I'd do anything to have her back.' For fuck's sake, Clara! They know they've made a mistake and were quick to judge Rafael but none of that matters anymore. They just want you back."
I was exasperated at having told her everything that was on my mind. My hope was that she'd understand what I was getting at. She doesn't need to worry about her family being torn apart because they won't be. They're past that now. A tone came on that alerted me that the call had ended.
"Jesus, Clara..." I muttered to myself. She doesn't understand.