"Could we rather continue this conversation anywhere but here?" Aiden surprised me by asking.
"Sure," I said. "My dad's going to stay a little longer but I was going to head home."
"I'll take you home," he said.
It was awkward following him out the hospital back to his car. Silence hung between us on the ride back to my house.
Even when we arrived in my driveway we still hadn't said anything to each other.
He parked the car and switched it off. I glanced in his direction, unsure of how to proceed.
"Why did you come over?" I asked.
It felt like everything that had gone on between us from the beginning to now had led us to this point.
"I listened to your message."
"But I left that on your phone a week ago." I frowned.
He shrugged. "I was too angry to listen to it at first."
I studied him. His eyes met mine.
"Nothing happened between us."
"I know."
"Then why were you so upset?" I ventured.
"I didn't like how you avoided telling me Max was on his way over. You were trying to get me to leave before he showed up. It felt like you were trying to hide it." He looked away. "And then when he said he was there when I should have been...I saw red. It felt like he was implying I wasn't good enough for you."
I fidgeted with my hands. "He was there to help me when you weren't answering my calls. I called you first but you didn't answer so then I called Max." He had been the person I had chosen in my time of need and that meant something to me. Did he even realise that?
"I was angry you hadn't picked up my earlier calls."
"I was upset that I had been trying so hard to make things work and no matter what I did it was never enough."
"I just mentioned that maybe the timing wasn't right."
"I know. That's what upset me. It felt like as soon as things didn't go your way you checked out."
"It wasn't like that. I wasn't checking out. I just made a stupid comment, not really thinking it through."
Would his apology make a difference now? I wasn't sure.
"Why did you need help?"
I sighed. Maybe it was time to tell someone about Lacey's excessive drinking.
"I went out with Lacey. She drank way too much and I needed help getting her home."
"I thought I was supposed to be avoiding her as not to upset her, remember,"
I nodded. "Trust me she was so drunk she barely remembered anything the next morning."
"Why didn't you say something about Lacey's drinking earlier?" His tone was soft and it reached the part of me that needed someone to care.
I glanced at him briefly,. "She is my best friend and I was trying to protect her. She has been to hell and back. She still can't remember stuff. Could you imagine what it would feel like to wake up and not remember a portion of your life. It has to be a very scary situation and I'm trying to give her the space to work through it.."
"I get it. But what I don't understand is why you didn't tell me?" He almost sounded hurt.
"I didn't want to tell anyone for fear it would blow up in my face. What if I told you and you decided it was better go tell her parents than keep it a secret? I couldn't take that risk."
He was quiet.
"I don't even know if that was the right decision anymore." I let out a shaky breath. It felt like airing that secret had started to unravel everything.
"I've been going out with her, making sure she doesn't do something stupid or having someone take advantage of it. I was behind on my course work and add boy drama to the mix. I feel like I'm drowning Aiden."
I looked to him but he was staring straight ahead. "I was trying my best to be everything everyone needed me to be and I still failed."
I bit my lip to stop myself from blurting out anymore.
"I had no idea you were under this amount of pressure." He spoke and this time our eyes met.
I shrugged. "No one did."
The silence stretched on.
He had at least allowed me to have my say like I had requested in my voicemail. It was time to end the conversation.
"Thanks for ride." I made the move to open the car door but he stopped me.
"I let you have your say. Let me at least have mine."
I nodded and closed the door, moving to face him.
"I'm sorry I made things worse for you. I wanted to spend time with you but between school and Lacey I barely saw you at all. Maybe that was selfish of me but if you had told me about Lacey, it would have helped me understand your need to watch her so closely."
"I know. I was trying my best."
"If you'd been honest with me, maybe things would have gone down differently."
"And maybe if you hadn't been insecure about Max it wouldn't have escalated into a fight."
"I'm not proud of my behavior," he admitted in a murmur. "Even if Max said what he said to get a reaction I shouldn't have acted in that way."
"If I had been brave enough to see how I really felt about you and not allowed the guilt of cheating on Max to overshadow it maybe you wouldn't have felt as insecure."
We could spend all day looking back at all the mistakes we made. But it was a wasted exercise because we couldn't change anything in the past. Was any of this helping with our future?
My heart felt like it was squeezed tight every time I looked at him. I still loved him. I swallowed slowly.
"I don't know it's been so difficult for us when we both wanted this," I said. "It should have been easy."
He shook his head. "The way I feel about you scares me."
I stared at him. "Why?" I whispered.
"I've never felt like this before."
"Same," I said softly.
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell him I loved him but I held back.
"I can't stop thinking about you."
It was difficult to determine if it was unwanted thoughts or not.
"I know the feeling." I stole another look in his direction. He was studying me.
"So if we both feel that way why are we having so many issues that we are sitting in a car talking about how much we care about each other?"
The question hung between us.
I shrugged. "Life is never simple."
Jealousy and some interference, bad timing, fear of heartbreak we're all factors in why we weren't together and we were trying to talk things through.
I could have left then, without telling him that he owned my heart. But one thing I had learned from Lacey's ordeal and the fright I had received when my father had called to tell me my mother was in hospital. Life was short. And there were never any guarantees.
I could walk away without revealing how much I loved him and it would protect me in some way like I had tried to protect myself in the beginning when all this started. But sometimes you had to take a risk even when the odds weren't good and even when there didn't seem to be a way to fix things.
I kept thinking that if I had been as honest with him in the beginning like I wanted to be now than I could have saved ourselves a lot of angst, pain and time. And who knew, maybe we none of the things that had torn us apart would have happened.
"I love you."
I was shocked. The words were still on the top of my tongue. I still hadn't uttered them.
With big eyes I stared at Aiden, my mouth slightly open.
"You love me?" I asked, not quite sure I had heard him right.
"Yes." There was a confidence in that word that lifted my heart.
"So what were you planning to do when you came to visit me today?" I asked, still holding his gaze as the warmth of his words expanded in my chest.