Innocent round eyes surrounded by soft fluffy hamster cheeks stole Jin from his sleep last night. He laid awake for God knew how many hours, seeing Seokmin's face everywhere he looked around inside Byulyi's dim guest room. He could see him even as he had his eyes closed, as if the image of his cute and smushy face was imprinted on the back of his eyelids.
Even worse, a mere two hours after giving up on sleep, Mrs Seo's disapproving voice rang in his mind.
'Poor girl.' She clicked her tongue with a shake of her head as she stabbed the ground with the trowel. 'It's overwhelming to become a mother, especially if you're all alone.'
It wasn't long until he began to think of Byulyi again.
He remembered how his brother and his wife always looked half-dead when their first son was born, how they always lacked sleep and missed meals. By no means was his nephew a particularly difficult baby, it was just that babies are difficult in themselves.
Did she have to go all through that alone?
Well of course she did.
Other people can only help her so much. At the end of the day, she did all the work herself, raised him on her own.
Jin rolled over the bed to lie on his back, staring at the plain white ceiling.
He had to do something. Help with something.
He had to.
Jin sat up with a heavy groan. As he did, he had to lean on his arm for support lest he fall back down the bed. He hadn't noticed his hunger earlier when his mind was preoccupied with other things, when he thought that the gurgle of his stomach was much more bearable than the heavy presence of both Byulyi and Seokmin on the dining table. Now the room was spinning under his feet.
He dragged his palm from his forehead to his chin and sighed heavily.
He needed something to eat. Or something to drink. But obviously Byulyi didn't stock her fridge with alcohol.
Water, it is then.
Jin clutched the railings as he lumbered down the stairs. As he stepped on the last landing, he found Byulyi crouched on the ground in front of Seokmin who had a pacifier in his mouth as he sat on the baby seat.
"Are you going somewhere?" he asked. At his voice, Byulyi whipped her head around to look at him monetarily before clicking the last lock in place.
She carried the yellow baby bag on her back and another smaller sling bag—which looked to be hers—as she stood up. "Something happened in the cafe and" —she lifted the basket with a grunt— "the manager called me to check it out."
An unsettling feeling washed over Jin as he watched Byulyi struggle over Seokmin and his things.
"Does Seokmin need to come?"
Byulyi's eyes drifted to Seokmin's before it landed on Jin again. "Not necessarily."
He rolled his shoulders back as he inhaled. This was his chance, to help with the baby.
"...I can watch him," he offered slowly, watching Byulyi's face for a reaction, "So you can work."
He brows raised in surprise. "You'd do that?"
He had to. He told himself he would. For Seokmin.
"Sure."
It was by no means anything near than the responsibility he should be carrying, but this was a step in the right direction at least.
Byulyi gave him a long stare, her gaze switching between him and the quiet baby sitting snuggly on his seat, the pacifier squeaking rhythmically as it pulsed in his mouth. She bit her lip and for a moment it looked like she was going to refuse until she muttered.
"Okay." She lowered the basket and unstrapped Seokmin in his carrier. The baby had little to no reaction as his mother carried him in her arms and walked towards Jin.
Jin opened his palms and readied himself to carry the child when the latter tightened his clutch on her mother's shirt. He whined softly, his brows crossed.
Byulyi adjusted him so that one of her hands was free. "It's Jin see? Jin?" she pointed at him, urging the boy to look at him.
Jin smiled amicably and tried not to think about how Byulyi taught the boy to call him 'Jin' and not—well, appa. He clapped his hands to encourage the boy and babbled nonsense in a soft voice. When it didn't work, he walked to the kitchen and took a banana off the table.
"Look Min-ah. Appa has a banana."
Byulyi's eyes flickered to him. But she looked away just as quickly.
Before Jin could decipher the emotion that danced in her irises, Seokmin went still, his eyes blown wide, his fingers on Byulyi's shirt loosened. He stopped sucking on his pacifier and blew it out his mouth until it dangled from its strap down his torso. Slowly, he reached for Jin.
As the older Kim caught the plump child in his arms, another emotion passed over Byulyi's eyes.
She turned around quickly to return all the baby things to the living room. "He just ate so might not eat the banana. He'll feel sleepy a little later. Just put him in his crib and visit him every 30 minutes or so," she listed, a peculiar hastiness to her movements that wasn't there before.
Jin adjusted the boy who was currently nibbling on banana skin and replied with a hum.
Byulyi gently peeled the banana and kept talking, "If he doesn't want to be put down, you can try on the rocking chair. He falls asleep faster if you read to him—doesn't matter which one. There's milk in the fridge, just heat it up in warm—not hot—water. Just submerge it until it's okay then feed it to him as he's falling asleep. And his bunny—"
"Well be okay Byul," he chuckled, trying to soothe the obviously frantic mother. He placed his hand on Seokmin's back. "Trust me."
Against his chest, with a banana in his mouth, Seokmin babbled something Jin interpreted to be supportive.
"See?" He gestured to the munching kid. "We'll wait for you to get back."
Byulyi bit her lip, her eyes lingering for a second at the boy. Then nodded slowly.
"I'll be back before noon. Don't want to be late for gardening at Mrs Seo's later." She stepped closer to the father-son pair, giving the smaller Kim a quick kiss to his fluffy cheek. "Eomma's gonna be back really quickly," she muttered softly as she smoothed his hair over his forehead.
Byulyi always interacted with him with such tenderness that it was difficult not to melt. Without even noticing it, a soft smile began to tug the corners of his lips.
But he and her eyes met and all the warmth and affection in them slipped away.
She stepped back as she clutched the strap of her small sling bag, putting a more normal distance between them. Jin took Seokmin's arm and waved his banana-covered fist in the air.
"Take care."
Byulyi fixed her clothes as she stepped closer and closer towards the door. She gave them one last look and then she was out.
Not even five minutes later after she went, Seokmin barely touched the banana, only turning its tip into soft, saliva-covered much before he lowered his hand from his mouth. Just as she predicted.
Jin caught the fruit before it fell. "Woah. You'll get appa's shirt dirty."
Seokmin tilted his head, his curious eyes felt scrutinizing.
The word slipped from Jin's lips without realizing it. Prompted, perhaps, by Byulyi's own words from earlier. He held the boy's stare, an inexplicable feeling of nervousness creeping in on him.
He cleared his throat. "I mean—I am your appa. So—it's better if you call me appa, right? Like how you call eomma?" He inched his face closer. "Can you call me that?"
Jin watched with bated breath as the child opened his mouth, his wide brown eyes staring right into his—familiar yet unique all the same. His lips quivered as he tried his best to push the foreign words out of his semi-toothless mouth.
"Woah."
Jin sighed, his shoulders deflating. It wasn't like he could expect an infant to learn a word on the spot.
"Yeah. Woah," he mumbled in a tone that was less than enthusiastic as he walked to the kitchen to remove the mushy part of the banana. As he wiped his fingers off the kitchen cloth, he heard Seokmin softly whisper again.
"Woah."
Jin raised a brow as a smile started playing with the corners of his lips. He wiped the mess off the younger's mouth, much to the baby's displeasure. "You really like copying me don't you?"
Seokmin frowned after Jin's wipings, his pink lips pouted cutely. "Woah."
"I'm sorry," Jin chuckled softly with a shake of his head. "So what do you do for fun?" he asked, taking a bite off the banana—he thought it'd be a waste to throw all of it.
Instead of replying another set of gibberish words like always seemed to do, Seokmin rubbed his eyes with balled fists and blinked slowly.
"Sleep it is then," Jin muttered, finishing the last of the banana before preparing his milk the way Byulyi told him.
While the milk bag was submerged in water, Soekmin rested his cheek on the side of his neck. Even if Jin couldn't see his face, he could hear how softly he breathed.
He knew he wouldn't answer, Jin asked anyway, "Are you asleep already?" He craned his neck to best see whether Seokmin had already closed his eyes. The child rubbed his eyes again to answer.
Though Jin struggled to transfer the milk to the small baby bottle since his one arm was preoccupied with the kid, he completed the task with only a tiny amount of milk spilling on the counter. Then he walked upstairs towards the nursery.
He attempted to pry Seokmin off his torso and place him on the crib. But even half-asleep, he was lucid enough to cling tightly to Jin. He tried again but this time, Seokmin began to whimper, his fist gripping his shirt tighter.
Jin looked around the room until his eyes found the small shelf next to all his toys.
"Let's see..."
He plucked a random book off the shelf and settled in the rocking chair. Almost automatically, Seokmin switched positions. He curled against his Jin's shoulder, his forehead slightly grazing his neck.
Jin took the bottle he placed on the shelf and gave it to Seokmin who accepted it eagerly. He settled across his father's chest again, now tightly holding the bottle of milk in his hands.
Once comfortable, Jin rocked the chair slowly, opened the book, and began to read.
"A long time ago, when tigers used to smoke, there were two kittens who found a piece of cloud on a tree branch..."
«««-»»»
Jin woke up to the sound of a door clicking close only to find Byulyi looking at him at the doorway. She still wore the same clothes that she did when she left and the same fondness in her eyes when she looked at Seokmin.
He looked at his surroundings and grimaced when the side of his neck stung when he turned his head too quickly.
Seokmin was snoring softly on his chest, the empty bottle of milk hanging loosely from his small fingers. The story book had fallen from his lap and laid on the floor.
Well at least he successfully put Seokmin to sleep.
"Shit," he mumbled, voice low and grainy from sleep, "I feel asleep."
Byulyi only hummed in response, a smile tugging her lips, and gently took the bottle from Seokmin's hands.
"You should put him in his crib," she whispered, gesturing to it with a flick of her head.
Still not fully awake, Jin walked close to the crib. But like earlier, just when he was about to put the baby down, his fingers clung to his shirt.
Damn this boy was clingy. Fortunately enough, he found Seokmin's clinginess way too endearing for him to grow frustrated.
Jin stood up again and hummed whatever melody popped into his head, rubbing slow circular motions on the boy's back to lull him to sleep.
But instead of falling deeper to sleep, Seokmin roused his head from his father's shoulder and blinked sleepily at Byulyi. He rubbed his droopy eyes and a smile started to form on his lips at the sight of his mother.
"Mama," he said, leaning his torso away from Jin and opening his arms to be transferred to his mother.
Byulyi immediately received him. "Did you miss eomma already?" she murmured softly to the boy's ear as he settled against her shoulder. He mushed his cheek for a few seconds before comfortably letting himself melt in her arms.
"Aigoo," she chuckled, placing a warm hand on his back and humming a lullaby to him.
Jin scratched his hair and resisted the urge to yawn.
"You sure it's okay? Aren't you tired from the cafe?" Jin asked.
It seemed like the first thing Byulyi did since coming home was check up on them. She probably hadn't rested yet, as is evident with how she hadn't changed into her home clothes yet.
But Byulyi shook her head. "I don't mind. Not like I'm not used to it already." She smiled as a faraway look settled in her eyes, like she was remembering something.
"You should've seen him when we first got here," she said, voice still light and fond and humorous, "Always screamed bloody murder and absolutely refused to be put down."
Jin couldn't find the humor in what she said like she did. Because everything was painfully true.
He should have been here.
He should have.
Yet here he was, experiencing for the first time the things he should have already mastered by now.
Jin pressed his lips to a thin line and tried not to show his own disappointment in himself on his face. But Byulyi looked at him and her smile fell as a look of realization settled on her face.
She cleared her throat, eyes refusing to meet his. "I'll put Seokmin down. I don't want to wake him up again or he'll be cranky later at Mrs Seo's."
"Yes of course," Jin slowly inching towards the door, "I'll be in my room if you need me."
He had been shit and absent and everything a man his father told him not to be for the past year. He didn't know shit about what to do or where to start, but he was determined to make things right.