We stood there for a moment and my hand went to smooth down her hair. She pulled away and looked at me with her tear-stained face. I used the pad of my thumb to wipe her tears away and left my hand there, cupping her cheek. Everything she said is true. I hate to admit it but I do think about my exes. She's probably right about Clara being upset but what did she expect? For me to wait for her after all these years?
Even if I did see her, I wouldn't rekindle things with her. I've since moved on, though I still love her dearly. To me, she'll always be the Clara I taught how to drive and the one I helped prepare for her interview but that's it. We were young and in love but not a good match for each other. No amount of time can change that.
And what worried me most was how this was coming from Florence herself. For the first time, I'm seeing her being vulnerable and honest about our relationship. She knows Clara may still have feelings for me and is wondering if I'd go back to her. Does she really think I'd go back?
"I've been meaning to tell you she called but things got busy and I forgot. I wasn't trying to hide her from you, I swear," I told her. "I've not changed my number since moving here in the hopes that she'd call someday and on Thursday, she did. I got a call from an unknown number in Portugal when we were both under. I assumed it was her because the area code is from the Lagos area. I called her back and left a voicemail. It's been silence ever since and I didn't think she'd actually call me back but she did.
"I'm not upset if that's what you're thinking. She most likely panicked and hung up but I'm not too worried because it seems like she wants to talk. I've got a feeling she'll call again.
"I want you to know that I love her and care about her, but not in the same way that I do with you. I've since learned on our trip to Portugal that the both of us weren't good for each other and she knows that too. Were you worried we'd get back together or summat?"
She was hesitant to answer which basically answered my question. If she hadn't gone into my dreams, she wouldn't be worried but she has. She's seen a side of me that I hide from most people.
"You just never know," she answered softly. "By the way, she sounds exactly the same." I furrowed my eyebrows and remembered they've talked before in my dream.
"She's got a calming voice, doesn't she? That's the only way to describe it." I'll never admit it but listening to Clara talk always helped me sleep. Sometimes I'd be stressed and just hearing her talk would calm me down. But I'll never tell Florence this.
Florence nodded her head. "Yeah, exactly. So give me your honest opinion...what do you think about my friends?" She was now back to her normal self and less shaken up.
"They're exactly like you."
"Is that a good or bad thing?" she asked, amused by my answer.
"You're my girlfriend. You tell me."
-
We both agreed to go home after dinner, though I wouldn't mind going to the bar after if it came to it. We were both knackered and wanted nothing more than to have an early night in. When we parted ways after dinner, Madelyn promised to have more outings and that Florence was welcome to bring me. I wasn't too sure about that but said yes anyway. The drive home was quiet so I turned on the radio but kept the volume low. Florence looked out the window.
"What are you thinking about?" I asked softly. It was strange seeing her this quiet.
"A lot of things," she sighed, looking at me. "My mom, Clara, the apartment. My sister got back to me and said mom is slightly more accepting. I don't know if it makes me feel better about visiting her but I still want to anyway."
"So you want to visit her." This was news to me. I remember her being on the fence but now she wants to visit her mum.
"Not now but sometime this month. I need to find a weekend where we aren't so busy." She was still giving me shit for booking the both of us today.
"At least we can do nowt tomorrow." I looked forward to sleeping in.
We got home and I poured a glass of wine for the both of us. Even though we were tired, we both wanted to talk about the places we looked at before going to bed. The second place we looked at was out of the question so we focused our discussion on the place Bondy recommended.
"It's a nice place. Definitely newer than our current place," I said, starting the discussion.
"And more spacious aside from the bedroom and closet," Florence added.
"You're still upset about the closet, aren't ya? Same with the longer commute."
Florence sighed and nodded her head. Surprisingly, this was the one place we sort of agreed on. The only major concern was the longer commute and how it's in a quieter area which makes it a bit of a drive to the nearest store. We've been searching for ages that I was starting to forget why we were looking for a new place. And then running into each other in the kitchen just reminded me of it.
"Do you have any concerns about the place?" Florence asked back and I shook my head.
"Not really. They're just changes we have to get used to. Of all the places we've looked at, I like this place the most."
"Same here."
"What's this? Are we actually agreeing for once?" I asked, feigning shock. Florence playfully hit my arm knowing I was making a dig at her. She's the one who usually shoots down a place.
"You jerk. I'm going to bed. Are you coming?"
.
.
I was standing in a dark hallway. At the end of the hall was a room with the light on but the door was closed. This place wasn't familiar to me; the layout was different. I slowly made my way towards the door and pressed my ear against the door to see if I could hear something.
"You can come in," a voice called from the other side.
I instantly recognized it as Clara's and pulled away, wondering how she knew I was here. My hand found the door knob and I twisted it, pushing it open. She was at the table with her back to me but her figure was unmistakable. Her long, brown hair was braided back and pinned into a tight bun and she was wearing a nightgown.
"Close the door," she instructed. I did as I was told. "I got your letter. I tried to write back but you didn't give me a return address."
"Just like you did to me," I replied.
Clara turned around and it was like the air was punched out of my lungs. Even though it's been 8 years since I last saw her and there was no way of knowing how accurate my dreams were, I was still caught off guard by her beauty and how much I still remembered.
"How did you find me?" she asked.
"By sheer luck," I managed to say after recovering from the shock.
"And now that you've found me, what are you going to do?" Her eyes seemed to search my soul, looking for any signs of malice.
"I'm gonna try to make things right again."
I opened my eyes and felt the weight of Florence's head resting on my chest. I slowly turned to look at the time, being careful not to disturb her. It was almost 10 AM and I sighed, not wanting to get up. This was the first time in a while that I slept long enough to have a dream.
My mind tried to replay the dream in my head. It was different from my usual dreams in that I actually saw and talked to Clara for once. I wanted nothing more than to reach for my journal and draw and write down what I remembered, but the longer I waited, the more I forgot.
There was no urgency to keep a record of the dream anymore. I previously did it to figure out the meaning of my dreams and to to figure out where Clara was, and now that I know, there was no point anymore. My goal now was to fix things.
If I was to analyze the meaning of this dream, it was that I wanted to meet her and make things right again. The thought of meeting her made me nervous. All I could think about was how Clara doesn't want to see me ever again. After all, I chose my career over Clara and for her to see me again would remind her of it. And then there was the worry that seeing each other would bring back feelings we've suppressed.
I tried to slip out of bed but it was no easy feat, though I've since learned how much Florence can handle before she wakes up. I managed to unhook her arm from my body and slowly got out of bed. Once free, I grabbed my dream journal and cigarettes and went out onto the balcony.
I've had countless cigarettes on this balcony and I was beginning to dread the day when I'll have my last and we'll move. It's strange that I've become attached to this place even though I don't own it but a lot of memories happened here. The numerous nights Bondy and Larry spent here when they were too drunk to go home, my dreams about Clara, and the night that Florence called me, drunk, asking for a ride home from the club. I'll never forget these things but we'll also make memories in our new place.
I stubbed out my cigarette into the ashtray and flipped my journal to a blank page. It's been ages since I last wrote in it, the last being my dream about the house with green tiles. The visual is the one I forget the quickest but I could still picture Clara at the table when she turned around to look at me. I'll never forget her striking eyes that seem to pierce your soul. I'm dead awful at drawing people but I tried my best, leaving her eyes white to capture the intensity. And once I was done, I wrote about standing in a dark hallway.
There was a soft knock at the door which caused me to jump. Florence was at the door and she opened it, poking her head out.
"I was wondering where you were," she greeted me, smiling. Her eyes went to the table and she noticed the journal. "Did you dream about her again?" There was nothing accusing about her tone. She never made me feel guilty for dreaming about Clara. I looked at my journal once again.
"Yes, I did. It's like she knows I'm gonna visit. She wants to know what I'm up to."
Florence stepped out and made her way towards me, wrapping her arms around me from behind and planting a kiss atop my head. This was a daft thing to say. There was no way I could possibly know what Clara was thinking but I just had a feeling, and this feeling translated to this dream. Maybe that's the reason why she called. She was curious.
"When do you plan to go back?" she asked.
"Ideally, I'd like to go back before we move but I need to talk to Bondy and Larry first and see if they're okay with me leaving again. And of course, you'll need approval too."
"You want me to come with you?" She seemed surprised.
"Of course. Do you not want to go?"
"No, I just...never mind."
"You can tell me," I urged her on.
"I dunno...I just thought you'd want some privacy or something. This seems personal to me."
"If I'm being honest, I don't think I can do this by myself. But only if you want to, of course." Florence reached for my hand and intertwined her hand with mine.
"It's always nice having someone by your side. Of course I will but only where I'm wanted."
-
Note: If you're still reading, thank you so much for sticking around! I've got some bad news. I'm posting faster than I'm writing so I need to decrease updates to once a week. I hate to do this but I need more time to write. So until further notice, I'll post once a week on Fridays. When I'm at a good place again, I'll go back to posting twice a week. Sorry about that!