When we get to Lola's restaurant/her house, there's no one there. No customers. There usually never is. Lola likes to close her restaurant when we celebrate because she wants it to just be us.
Us.
Some people have really fucked up families. Whether it's with your parents, or your siblings. Or extended family. I don't believe there is a family out there that isn't a little fucked up.
I like to believe though, that my little family with Lola is perfect. Imperfect. She's the mother I always wanted. The mother I wish my siblings got. The mother I wish I got.
Lola will always be my mother. La quiero mucho. Ella vino a mi vida cuando tenía nadie. Y por eso, la amo. Con todo lo que le puedo dar. Amo a mis hermanos como yo los amo. Como mi mamá los debe de amar. I'll always be grateful for her for that.
I enter the restaurant door with Lorenzo, Aaron, and Meredith behind me. Almost immediately the kids run up to me. "Happy birthday!" Rory yells as she holds out a letter along with my favorite chocolate, "Happy birthday." I hear Jason say. His voice sounds sad. I bend down to his height, "Hey, what happened?" I put my hands on his cheeks. He stares down at my feet.
"I thought you weren't coming back." My heart breaks. Jason's only 10. He shouldn't be worrying about me leaving him. I would never. I kiss him on the forehead and I whisper, "I'd never leave you." Emphasis on never. I never want them to think I'd leave.
I'd never want them to think I'd leave like our mother. "Plus, who'd beat me at Mario Karts everyday? Now that's no fun." I laugh. He smiles and I hug him. Making sure to pour every ounce of happiness I have into the kid in front of me. Then pull Rory into the hug. "I love you guys. You know that right?" Say yes. Please say yes.
They both nod with a small smile on their faces. I smile before getting up and turning over to the three people behind me. "So guys, I brought guests I hope you don't mind?" Jason eyes down them all, but stays quiet. Rory smiles awkwardly. "This is my best friend, Meredith. Lorenzo, and uh- Aaron." I say, "Guys, this is Rory and Jason."
My friends wave at my siblings and Jason pulls me aside from them. "I thought it was just going to be us?" He says in the softest voice ever. I swear I almost cry. I spent my whole life making sure these kids were loved. I'd hate for them to think just because I bring people here, that I love them any less.
"I know buddy, but these are special people. I trust them." I say. "You can trust them, okay?" I just hope I'm right. To them my mom is a fucking saint, but deep down I know they put up this facade.
I don't know why. I always make sure I never disrespect our mom in front of them. Because they're still young, they need their mom. Like I needed her. And if you told 11 year old me, my mom was a bad mom. I would've defended for with everything I got because I loved the idea of her.
They love the idea of her. They don't love her, not the real her anyways. I want them to make their own decisions about her. Not taint her image with what I know. Jason nods as he goes back to where Rory is. I stand back looking at my family. All of them.
Aaron and Lorenzo are having a conversation with Rory, and Meredith bends down to Jason's height and starts touching his face. He blushes as her touch and it's adorable.
When I get closer, I hear both Aaron and Lorenzo bickering with my little sister. "You do not have two dogs?!" She almost gasps. "I do. Iris and Stone." He says. Lorenzo nods at what Aaron's saying before he chips in, "And they're crazy."
Aaron rolls his eyes. "Cass doesn't let us get a dog," Aaron looks over at me for just a slight second before putting his attention back on my little sister, "She says we won't take care of it, but I take care of that little menace every day after school." She says before pointing at Jason.
Something about the way she says it has me thinking I'm not good enough. Maybe you should start focusing on the family you have instead of chasing some worthless dream.
"How about I bring them over sometime?" He says. I should say no. I should say no and not regret it, but the look on her face tells me I can't. She smiles so big, her dimples pop up and her freckles seem so visibly vibrant. "Can he? Please.." She begs.
"Yeah. Of course he can."
Aaron looks into my eyes, but I just look at how happy my little sister looks. I don't think she's ever been so happy.
Sometimes it makes me sad. These kids are always smiling, but I always feel like I can do more. Do more for them. We know my mother won't. I know my mother won't.
Yes, she can give me almost 800$ a week for them. She can give me money whenever the hell I want whenever I say it's for the kids. But if I asked her to parent her kids, she'd ignore me. When I ask her to be there for their parties, she ignores me.
When I simply asked her to love her kids and me, she looked the other way.
There was a night where they both slept in my bed, in my room. Because the monsters in their dreams were trying to take them away from their mother. For the longest time, I was so grateful because they still loved their mother. They still had the idea of the kind and loving parent.
So grateful because I didn't ruin their image of her because of what she's done. Until a few days later when they came back in, having the same dream, at the same time crying.
They explained to me that, again, a monster was trying to keep them from their mother. I laid in the middle with Jason to my right and Rory to my left. As the minutes grew by and their eyes grew tired, and I heard Jason mumble his words. It was so quiet, I barely registered the words in my head, "Don't let mommy take us away from you." Don't let mommy take us away from you.
All this time I thought, they were talking about our mom, and these monsters were just, well monsters. When in reality, I was their mommy and our mom was their monster.
I don't think I'd ever felt my heart stop so, so fast. So abruptly. For the rest of the night, I couldn't sleep. Those eight words kept me up, thinking. It wasn't even the part that my mom was their monster. It was that for the longest time I spent most of my life trying to make sure they only got the best of my mother. Not her worst.
I never wanted them to see her at her worst. I could deal with her, I could see her worst and I could feel it and I would be okay because they didn't see it. Because they were safe.
Who gave a single fuck if I was hurt if it meant they were fine and they were okay and good?
That night, I realized my entire life of trying to make sure they only saw her for loving parent, I had failed. I had messed up my only job. To protect them.
"Mija..?" I feel Lola's hand go up against my back, I flinch and my mind goes back to last night. That touch. His skin on mine as he presses himself onto me. Her face wrinkles up. "Are you okay?" She says as her heavy accent floods into her voice. I smile even though I don't feel like smiling right now. Definitely don't feel like I'm fine. "I'm fine."
I can feel Aaron's eyes on me. It's like a certain tingle I get in my body whenever his eyes meet me. Like he sort of knows what I'm thinking.
No one will ever hear your screams Cassandra, the memory plagues my mind. Like gum that won't get off. Except I can't cut the memory out of my mind like I can with gum in my hair. I can't, it's not possible.
Especially with a memory like that. Those don't just go away. They stay with you. That night, won't ever leave me. I don't think I can deal with that night ever leaving me. Haunting me.
She goes to hug me, but I back away without meaning to. It's a reflex that came to life last night. Touch is like poison to me now. And I hate it.
I tuck my hair behind my ears and another hand lands on my lower back. I flinch again and my entire body tenses. "Cassandra.." His voice says in a low whisper. "Stop talking to me like I am something that needs to be fixed." I let out.
I walk away leaving Aaron. I meet eyes with Meredith who puts her hand out for me to get. I do. She brings me to her side and kisses my forehead.
"You're mature for your age Little Cassandra, do you know that?" I nod. Being afraid if I disagree with him. My back presses against the wall. He snickers. "I won't do anything yet baby." He whispers in my ear. Chills down my spine. He plants a kiss on my forehead and walks away leaving me. No one will believe you. No one will believe you. No one.
"You okay?" Meredith's soft voice takes me out of my trance. "Yeah. I'm fine." I clear my throat as the lies just come bursting out of me. I'm not fine. I don't think I ever will be.
We spend the rest of the night celebrating me. I got asked if I was okay and if I was fine more times than I can count. We played board games with everyone.
Lola went to bed soon after that. It wasn't long until I told the kids that they needed to sleep as well. Sending them to bed, tucking them in, they said they liked my friends. "They're not so bad." My little brother said. "Yeah. I like them." Chimed in my sister. "Yeah. Me too."
There's a slight worry that comes with them saying that. I like that they like my friends. My new friends. That they get along. It's all I could ever want.
But there's no guantee that they'll stay. That they won't leave. I don't think they can handle that. Not if they get closer and closer.
If I get closer.
-
"Alright. Let's go home. I'm tired." I say as I'm the last to walk out of Lola's place. The kids don't come back home until tomorrow. I have more than a couple of hours until I need to turn full mom mode. Again.
"Nuh-uh. We're going straight to the hospital. Then to the police station." Meredith says. "Guys. I am tired. I am so tired. Let's forget about the fact that we know it's going to be a long night if I do decide to go, but I have to pick up the kids tomorrow. They have school the next day, I—" Someone interrupts.
"I can pick them up." Lorenzo says as he looks at me. "What?"
"I can pick them up. They're good kids, I don't mind." He continues. "I can't ask you to do that Lorenzo."
"Well good thing you're not asking." The conversation ends. They all collectively agree that they'll help me in any way possible, in silence.
The drive to the hospital is silent. The radio is on, but very low. I drive, debating in my head how to get out of this. How to get out of getting this kit.
It'll do no good. Not for me at least. Maybe it's selfish of me to just think of myself and not other people who can possibly be one of his victims, but I don't think I can.
I don't think I can get my hopes up. I never have. Not about this. Never about this. When it first started. When he first targeted me, I told myself I'd let him. I'd push first though. I'd push for him to let me go.
If I couldn't. I'd let him, but he'd just touch me. I promised myself I'd never let it get so far. I'd never let it go so far.
It's funny to me that, that's what I first thought. Just let him. Why? Because he was the one with money. He was the one with a huge reputation. They wouldn't believe a girl like me. All he has to say is that I brought myself on to him or I wore a dress a little too revealing.
Because boys will be boys. And girls will be attention seeking whores.
I promised myself I'd never let it get too far. I promised. Now here we are, standing in front of the hospital doors.
The big bright white lights almost seem enough to blind a person. Meredith stands beside me, she tries to grab my hand, but I tear it away like she's some disease. "Sorry." She whispers.
"Don't be. It's not your fault." I grab her hand and ignore the voices in my head screaming at me. The uncomfortableness that comes with just touching a person.
I start walking to the front doors of hell.
-
"Have you showered...restroom...brush..?" The questions form into one. My mind is kind of hazy at the moment.
My anxiety is at it's highest. My words stumble and blend with each sentence I say.
"What happened?" What happened? Meredith squeezes my hand, and it takes everything in me to not slap her so she lets go.
Then my mouth starts rambling. She asks questions, I answer. She asks for details, I give them to her.
-
Almost an two hours later, she'd done. I've been stared at, photographed, touched, etc. My eyes are heavy and I feel grateful that it's over.
"Okay. I'll be back with your paperwork." The girl says, her name is Linda.
"Thank you." I give her a smile. When the room door closes, I can basically feel the worry sweating off everyone's pores.
"I'm fine. You can stop staring. I did what you guys asked, so please let's get out of this place." I say.
No one says anything. Except they ignore my comment. "Are you hungry?" Meredith asks. "I actually am."
She leaves the room without saying anything. Lorenzo mumbles something before following behind her. Now it's just Aaron and me.
He stays sitting at the chair beside me, looking at the floor. "Aaron.." I say. He doesn't look. "Aaron." He still doesn't look. Nor does he move. "Hey.." I grab at his chin to look at me and he's.. crying.
"Oh Aaron." His cries fill the quiet room. "Aaron. Look at me." His eyes meet mine and that's when I finally notice the bloodshot red eyes. "Come on." I scoot over on the hospital bed and pat for him to sit next to me.
He does as I say. I hold him. "What's wrong?" I finally manage to say. I wipe his tears with my fingers.
"I thought I saved you. I thought I got there in time, but I didn't. And you got hurt." My hand plays with his hair as he continues, "I can't even imagine Cassandra what you had to have gone through those few minutes that we couldn't find you." They'll never hear you scream.
"I'm fine. I'm okay. Okay? I did it. He's going to have to face something. More girls will speak up and he'll face prison. I am sure of it." I am not, but even if it only happened to me. It's affected everyone in my life. Aaron needs to hear that I'm okay.
He gets up from my grasp and walks around the room. He turns around and his mouth opens to say something, but the door opens and he's interrupted.
"Uh Mer is calling you." He looks at Aaron before looking at me, "She said the hospital food is crap and she's going to bring something from the store or something." Aaron leaves the room and Lorenzo enters.
We sit in silence for a couple of minutes before he talks. "Be honest. Are you doing this for them, or are you doing this for you?" His question surprises me.
I think about lying. I think about them. Then about me. "For them. They'd break if I didn't do this. You guys saw me. I was naked, I was exposed. You guys saw. You saw it." I say, truthfully.
"What about you?"
"What about me?"
"Would you break?" He pauses. "Did you break?"
"I haven't. Not yet, but I will. No one survives that."
He nods.
"You said them. Not us." I say.
"What do you mean?"
"You said if I did this for them. Not for us. Do you not care that I was r-raped?" The question is out of my mouth. It's out there. Do you care? You're a stranger to me now.
"It doesn't matter if I cared. It matters if you do." He pauses, again. "This means nothing if you don't care. If you don't plan to do anything about it. In the end, it's your decision to make."
"You decide whether you want to press charges against this guy. You decide, not them. You could go through all of this, for them, but decide not to do anything with the evidence, for you." His words cut through me like daggers.
"And I do care." He whispers, "Do you?"
Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I? Do I?
"I do." I pause. "But I don't want to get my hopes up for something that might not be possible." He nods.
We don't speak another word to each other. Not until Aaron and Meredith come back with food and we all fall into a steady conversation that doesn't involve just me.
Happy birthday me.
-
a/n: loollllll i know my devoted followers missed me. idk guys this story is going wayyyyy out of proportion. like this is not how i imagined this going AT ALL. it's a little crazy to me. anyways sorry i've been so not active. my grandma died last week and im currently in the hospital bc of a car accident.
im joking. sorry. that's not something to joke about. it's just all these wattpad writers seem to have the baddest of luck ever. not me tho, i'm just not motivated. i write like two paragraphs one day and then not write at all the next month. anyways plsss vote and get this story known 😉 i love uuuuu