"Love yourself first and everything else falls into line."
-Lucille Ball
CHOI SOOBIN
"Hey! Soobin! Can you come and help me carry this?"
"Ah! I think I broke my leg, grandma—aw! Okay! Okay! I'll carry it!" I hurried when the old lady started hitting me with her wooden cane.
"This kid! When are you going to come back to Seoul, huh!? All you do here is to keep my blood sugar high!" she scolded me while we're both heading towards the facility.
"Tsk! Grandma, I saw your son last night! He's so handsome!" I exaggerated to get rid of her annoyance.
She smiles, "Really? I know he is! It's his birthday next week! Let's celebrate it, okay?"
"Of course! You go ahead inside, I'll take this to your room," I agreed and saw someone held the grandma's hand walking inside the building.
"Nurse Im! My son's going to have a birthday party, you'll come, okay?" the grandma announced to the said nurse.
"S-son?" she's confused and looked at me who's nodding at her. "Ah yes! O-of course, your son..."
I sighs and went inside the staff room to put the box on the table. "What's that? Some garbage again she collected?" one of the doctor asked and open up the box.
I just laugh and changed my scrub suit into my casual clothes. "My duty's done for today, Dr. Kwang. I'll be back tomorrow," I said and take on my bag.
"Hey Dr. Choi! You're going to take an off? Who's going to handle patient in 202 if you're not here? She only listens to you," Dr. Kwang stops me from going out.
"Just give her candies and tell her the story about Rapunzel, she'll sleep if you'll read it to her," I instructed. "Also, about Mrs. Kim, make sure she'll have some Bach music as she sleeps, if you don't want to look like a panda in the next morning—"
"Wait a minute!" Dr. Kwang holds my hand. "C-can't you just stay for tonight? Please? Please?" he pleaded with his hopeful eyes.
"Hey, it's Sunday and I already stayed last week, Dr. Kwang. See you tomorrow!" I bid his goodbye while smiling at him.
Dr. Kwang calling my name begging me to stay but I just wave my hand while walking away from Dream Mental Health Hospital, the hospital for mentally ill people on the countryside where I am currently working.
I get on my car and then speed up while turning on the radio for some music but I heard news instead. [...we will not disclose any information regarding to the case. We'll just see it at court- and that is the statement from Atty. Choi Yeonjun, who is lawyering the said victim of...]
"Choi Yeonjun..." I whispered and smiles while looking at the road as I drives. I opens the windows for fresh air and even smile wider.
How many years it has been now? Three years? Yes, more or less three years. It's been three years since Beomgyu died but still always feels like yesterday.
I left my work in the hospital and went to the countryside instead. I only visit the city if I want to. Just to have a drink with Taehyun and visit Beomgyu's grave, if I want to buy something that is not available in this town, and if I miss my parents. But in most of the days, I'm staying inside the hospital.
I turn right and then went on a hill. I prepared a long fabric to sit on and then put some food. Once a week, I'm always doing this. I don't know but maybe some kind of reflecting? I just laugh with that thought.
Somehow, I realize a lot when Beomgyu died and when Yeonjun left me for the second time. I learnt to... be myself. I learn to stand in my own. I learn to be happy without others. I learn to love myself.
It's just sad that someone needed to go and gone just for me to get in this point. It's just sad that I needed to learn and realize such lessons in a hard way.
I missed him—Choi Beomgyu, my best friend.
Even if three years had passed already, there's still this guilt me about his death. It feels like inside a decade of being with I failed to let him know that I appreciate all his efforts for me. I feel like I discredited everything he did for me and I will always and forever be sorry for that but still despite of those, I know Beomgyu knew I always loved him and I am grateful that we met.
A total healing... finally.
This is so overrated but when they say change really starts within you, it's true. When they say you should love yourself first before others, it's true and I experienced it hands on.
When I started accepting the fact that not all will stay, that I should not please everyone, that I should respect myself, that's when I started feeling lighter and glad everytime I wake up.
For real, if you love yourself, you will have this standard that you won't let anyone hurt you because you're protecting yourself from others and automatically, you will disconnect to those people that has this potential of hurting you.
Not loving yourself and then wanting to go into relationship expecting to be loved is like how can you show the way if you are blind?
That's one thing I realized and really felt ashamed how true it is because that's what I don't have during my youthful days. Let others— him, specifically hurt me and just take it all just because I love him without thinking I should protect myself too against him.
Stupid, right? Foolishly in love.
It's sad that we need to let go of some things in order to grow but take note, growing in a healthy way results to a delicious fruit and you will not regret it.
"Ah, this is so good," I expressed while looking at the small population below the hill and a distant calm sea.
Self-respect is a reflection of your whole personality. The way you care and thinks as well as how you act is under it. Having that respect in yourself will make you be more you, proud, confident, and will wholeheartedly accept everything about you.
Accept that you can get hurt, accept that you can cry, accept that you can commit mistakes, accept that you have flaws and imperfection, and accepts that you are weak.
And through those acceptances, you will know yourself, learn from it, make it as your foundation, stand up, and then gain strength from those weaknesses.
You are vulnerable because you have feelings yet you can always be resilient because you have yourself.
It's not bad being alone sometimes especially if you will learn how to stand by yourself without the help of others and it's not a bad thing as well to call for a hand if you're already tired.
Three years had passed and I think, I'm ready to conquer something within me— something that's been bothering me for years now.
After three years, I think I can really handle things now. I can stay and maintain a healthy relationship to others as how I built my own relationship to myself.
I'm ready to see him— Choi Yeonjun, my star.
Kang Taehyun is now a company owner, still moving on from the painful past that happened. I heard Hueningkai is still in the US with his own family and having a job as an elementary teacher. Yeonjun is now one of the most successful lawyer in the country, he build his own firm, and I can hear lots of winning cases from him. Lastly... Beomgyu... I don't really know where he is right now, maybe he became a star too since he's really a bright one. Maybe he's doing well too.
I took out my phone from my bag as well as a calling card that was handed to me years ago. I started tapping the number stated in there and then it rings.
[Hello! This is Byeol Law Firm, how may I help you?]
"Hi, can I talk to Attorney Choi Yeonjun?"
[Please give me a second...]
I'm not nervous, I'm actually excited. I'm kind of having fun. I don't feel cold sweat, I don't shake— I'm just so happy!
[Yes, hello? Atty. Choi Yeonjun, speaking. May I know who this is?]
"Ah, yes! This is Dr. Choi Soobin of Dream Mental Health Hospital. I have a complaint regarding something really private. May I know if you're free on Sunday? I would like to meet you at 304 café, Atty. Choi Yeonjun."