Chapter Twenty-Three Where Things Get Worse
Julian's Pov
Mom left and I punched Carter and his pansy ass went down and Danielle looked annoyed with me.
"You deserve to be punched in the face too." Was all she said to me and Carter complained as he laid on the ground.
"God damn it." he glared at me and I returned it.
"Get your ass up like a man." I told him and he shook his head
"I'm not getting up so you can hit me again, you're just like dad." Bailey stepped in front of me and Danielle stepped in front of Carter because he knew I was about to fucking end him right now.
"I am nothing like him, you deserved that one and you're the heartless one who let him rape your fucking sister and let her kill herself. You knew, you knew Mia was his, you knew and it's your fault Mia is dead too." Carter shook his head as he stood.
"No; it's dad's fault and he got what he deserved when mom shot his ass." No one could argue there.
"You probably liked listening you sick-"
"Julian." Bailey said and I bit my tongue.
"Listen to your fucking master and go home." I wanted to hit him, Bailey was easy to move and I could but it was the point that she was there and stopping me, she was the only one who could really stop me even though I was incredibly angry with her right now but that could wait until we were in private.
Like the conversation with your mother should have.
Bailey's voice was in my head on that one and it was right.
"You know for someone who wants to fix his relationship with his brother you're hell bent on destroying it. I keep Julian from doing dumb shit most of the time, your wife is the one who's going to kick your ass and you're the one who's afraid of her and takes orders from her." he was terrified of her when he was like this because he knew he was wrong and my girl had the guts to say that.
It didn't seem to bother Danielle in the slight, I would probably be afraid of her too; she was a crazy Italian woman and when she got angry she started yelling at Carter in Italian.
"I will not continue to put up with this and I will not let my son be near it, you can find somewhere to stay tonight, I'm taking my son and going home." Danielle walked from the room and Carter went a little pale as he got up and scrambled after her.
"Dannie I'm sorry, don't leave and don't take Cameron." He pleaded with her and he needed to change something, he was ruining all his relationships and his Marriage was definitely taking a hit. I did feel guilty because Carter and I always brought out the worst in each other but she knows him better than I do and She knows he can be a better person and isn't going to settle for this pathetic man he's been.
"I understand now, I'm sorry I pushed it." Kylie said softly and Caleb had his arms wrapped around her.
"I'm sorry your news was ruined by this, congratulations." I brought up the pregnancy again and I watched Caleb pale once more and swallow hard, he was so scared. I couldn't believe she was pregnant, I knew that she wanted a baby but she had to have gotten pregnant on her wedding night; there was no other option for her to already know now.
"You're going to be fine, this will be your baby with your wife Caleb, look how happy she is and I know you're that happy too; don't let the fear ruin this for you two." Bailey told him and he nodded
"What if I'm not a good father or I drop him or her or something?" he asked and I almost laughed, almost as did Kylie and Bailey but we didn't push him on it.
"The baby will be fine, be careful and at least you have some practice with Cameron." We adored Micah and Cameron, how can you not feel ten times more for your own child.
"We're going to go, we have a lot to talk about." Kylie said and we were left alone in my mother's living room and now that we were and there was no talk of a baby on the way as a distraction, I couldn't look at her.
I felt ashamed but angry still and I was trying to hold it back though so I didn't go off on her, I knew what she said was true but I didn't want to admit it. We went and cleaned up dinner and started the dish washer, making sure any left overs were in the fridge and Bailey left her a note before we got in the car and went to my place, I still couldn't look at her.
"Stop looking at me like that." We were at my place and I made some tea, trying to get Bailey from drinking so much coffee and I couldn't stand it anymore.
"Like what?" She didn't sound like she was trying to be a bitch, her tone suggested she really wanted to know what I would say next.
"Like you're ashamed of me." I ended up mumbling.
"I am." Her words surprised me and I looked up at her, my heart sunk as those words did into my head and I couldn't believe she said that.
"What?" I asked, which made me sound dumb.
"Carter did what he did as a kid and I agree your mom deserved to know but you were so caught up in your anger for him you didn't stop to think about anyone else, how awkward Caleb would feel, how Kylie would be uncomfortable, how Danielle would feel hearing that about her husband but most importantly, how them knowing would affect your mom, how hearing it that way, so inconsiderate, would make her feel. You both should have sat down with her in private and both talked to her." I used the water boiling as a distraction and I looked away from her again, I hated seeing disappointment in her eyes but shame was worse.
Her eyes weren't bright and they didn't look at me lovingly like they usually did, I never questioned if she loved me because I could see it in her eyes when she looked at me but now, now they just looked distant and cold and sad.
"I shouldn't have let my anger get the best of me." I admit, I wish I would have shut my mouth long enough to think of my mom and now all I could do is think about her. Where was she, what was she thinking, did she hate me?
"No you shouldn't, you should be in therapy to help with that but you refuse." God damn it. She had to bring up fucking therapy of all things right now?
"Don't bring that shit up again." I tried to use a tone that would make her back the fuck off but obviously I wasn't successful.
"I want what's best for you and you're going backwards Julian, you're angry all the time again and picking fights, you've called him a few times even, it doesn't matter if you hung up immediately you still dialed the numbed for cocaine." My heart raced and I felt like I was going to throw up when she said that.
"How the hell do you know that?" I asked her, she was never home when I did that and there was only one way she could know and I was tired of her going behind my fucking back.
"I looked at your phone." She didn't sound or look sorry, she looked right in my eyes as she said it, daring me to go off on her about it, well if that's what she wanted, that's what she would get.
"That's such an invasion of privacy Bailey, you had no right!" she jumped when I yelled and I hated the fear that filled her expressions when I was angry, I wasn't going to hurt her damn it. She did the same thing at my mothers, I was pissed at her, I hated what she said but I wouldn't lay a hand on her and I thought she knew that, that she trusted me.
"Like you had no right to get me a debit card to your account and put money in mine? Ninety percent of what you do is an invasion of privacy." Lucca's words ran in my head, stop keeping score. Damn him.
"I'm trying to protect you and provide for you, it's not the same thing." Why couldn't she see that? Why couldn't she just let me take care of her; it's just money!
"And you think I'm not trying to protect you? Do you have cocaine in this apartment?" She asked me and I froze up, what the hell should I tell her? The truth? She would hate me if she knew the truth, she would think I was so fucking weak for buying fucking cocaine.
God damn it, I hated myself for buying it, I was weak and her expression changed. Before it was annoyance, anger, irritation, disappointment but now, now she looked concerned. Her expression softened and I knew I couldn't lie to her, not about this.
"Yes." I whispered but she heard me, she always did when it seemed like I didn't want her too and I could tell she was disappointed in me right now.
"Give it to me." Her voice was a whisper and I swallowed hard, I couldn't do that, it was everything right now, it was what would take away the pain after seeing what I just did to the people who loved me, it was what would just make everything better.
"I can't." I was standing up still and she was sitting in front of me making her look even smaller and I had to look up because if I looked down in the shame I felt, I would be looking at her.
"It's me of the drugs, give them to me now or I'm leaving Julian, packing my stuff and leaving." It was an ultimatum and I knew she would follow through with it, she didn't take this shit lightly. "Pick what's most important." She told me and I looked at her.
Her eyes were set and I had next to no time to choose, Bailey or cocaine.
There was no both, it was either or.
I thought about telling her to leave then, to get the hell out if she was going to make me choose but that just made me sound stupid, of course she was making me choose and the longer I sat here thinking about it the more she would think I didn't love her.
She already was starting to look hurt and I closed my eyes because I couldn't fucking bare seeing her hurting, again. I always thought this and I always kept hurting her, maybe she would be better off without me and I would be better off with my drugs.
Fuck that sounds so dumb. Bailey was my world, I knew that she was the right decision and the decision I would make, it just took me a minute to get my body to cooperate with me. I went into my room and I grabbed both little baggies of the cocaine.
"This is all of it, I swear on Mia." Mia was one thing I would never lie about and I needed her to trust me and know I was giving it all to her.
She looked at is she looked relieved at first and then as she stared at the bag I knew she was feeling the hunger for it and I felt bad for putting her in this situation, it doesn't matter if she did worse to me in rehab, relationship's weren't about keeping score.
"Come on." I followed her and as we got closer to the bathroom I just felt sick, I knew what she was going to make me do, I've made her do it and I felt horrible for being so awful to her about it that night because I was shaking, I don't think I could to this.
She handed one bag to me and dumped one out and I shut off any kind of emotion I possibly could as I poured it down the drain and she washed the bags out and threw those away too as I flushed it and I was infuriated as I watched the water lower and it was gone.
"Get out." I told her and she tensed, I knew she would argue and I didn't want her to, I just wanted her to go away. She didn't understand and right now, I hated her.
"No." I wasn't proud of what I did next, I pushed her out of the bathroom and she fell onto the floor of my bedroom and she winced.
"I said get the fuck out." She looked up at me and her eyes were watering
"I'm not leaving you Julian, I love you and you need help." She tried to get up and I watched her in pain and her leg had gotten cut and I pushed away the guilt for hurting her.
"Leave or you're going to her hurt Bailey." I needed her gone and she laughed as she cried
"You've already hurt me Julian, so come on, show me you're a man and hit me this time." I was thrown off by her words as she scrambled to get back up and she seemed taller than she was
"I'm not going to hit you." I reached out and she flinched as my hand got close to her face and I instantly pulled my hand back. She was afraid of me. I really was just a monster deep down and it took almost a year but it was showing; not even Bailey could help me.
"What now Julian? Are you going to get help now? Do you see it now?" she asked me and I did see it, I was angrier and I never would have hurt her, it's something the old me would have done and had done. It's what she saw on that tape when Kimberly asked me to hit her, what you didn't see when she would rile me up so I got rough with her. She liked being pushed and slapped around, it got her off and it was not the way to treat the woman in front of me who had always believed in me.
Bailey wasn't Kimberly.
But maybe Kimberly is my kind of person. Bailey's always been too good for me, too pure, too precious and she deserves better.
"I think you should leave." I told her
"I told you I'm not leaving." She was adamant
"I mean that you should pack your stuff Bailey and go, I don't want to be with you anymore." I couldn't look at her because I know I'm hurting her and I don't know why I'm doing it. Why couldn't I just admit I needed help and tell her I loved her?
Because I'm not good for her.
"Look me in the eye and say that Julian Cole and you better fucking mean it if you do." I looked at her and she looked angry and heartbreakingly sad right now.
"Please just go." I said and she shook her head and I felt the sting before I registered she had slapped me.
"Are you fucking kidding me! You're putting me through this and telling me you don't want to be with me, why? Because you're fucking scared and you can't just be a fucking man and admit you made a mistake, admit you need therapy, that you need me or Kylie or Robert. Because of what your father did to you? Why!" She pushed me this time and I took a step back because Bailey pushing me was kind of like being hit with a pillow.
"Because you deserve better Bailey, I can't give you what you want." I said angry, I just wished she would stop and try to understand that.
"What I want? I want you! That's all I want Julian." She had stopped crying but her eyes were tearing up again and each drop that fell was like a punch to the gut.
"I can't. I can't hurt you and I can't hold you back." I turned my back on her and I went to leave when she stepped in front of me
"Don't walk away from me."
"We're done." I told her and she yanked me down around my neck and crashed her lips into mine and I kissed her back, I needed her so badly. Her tongue slipped between my lips and I groaned and picked her up as I kissed her back. I don't know what exactly I set her down on but she wrapped her legs around me and I held her body tight to mine.
"I'll move in with you, marry you and give myself to you Julian if you just let me. Just let me in baby, stop hiding from me. Let me love you, let me help you." I should have just told her how I was feeling, how ashamed I felt of what I did to my mother, how much I loved her and how badly I was hurting and craving cocaine, but I didn't.
I shook my head and she cried again, that was the last thing I saw; her sitting on the table crying as in left.