WRITTEN BY: anivinity
SONG: YOUNG LUV (STAYC)
My love's so young
I'm young
달콤한 나이
너만 바라볼 순 없어
🍬
– HAN JISUNG –
"Do you love me?"
Those words echoed and resonated, his smile fading like the blizzard of snowflakes that tickled his face. He felt a small flutter in the midst of his body, the warmth of his body diminishing as he awaited an answer from what was supposed to be the person opposite to him. Until, he realized a crucial detail. He was not talking to anyone.
The streetlight almost blinded him and he scoffed as he shivered in his mittens and woolen coat, finding the timing of the piercing wind ironic.
Han Jisung was rehearsing. He was practicing to finally speak these words to the very person he loved, like his life depended on it. Like a script, he altered, deleted, and edited the words to no end. And yet, after all that, he wasn't satisfied. He wasn't ready to admit his true thoughts to her.
Just like his freezing hands of anxiety, Jisung couldn't grapple onto reality as he wanted. Not when he was with her. But just as he couldn't hold onto himself, would his fragile heart crack as well?
"Han told me to meet him in the park, but I didn't expect to find a frozen pile of shit here instead," a feminine, musical voice rang out through the passing wind. "I wonder, should I move this out of the way?"
"Ha, ha." He chuckled in monotone sarcasm, sitting up in the snow. "Very funny, Hwayoung, but I'm right here."
She folded her arms, the ruffling of her rain jacket distracting him slightly. "Really? I didn't notice."
Jisung's facade cracked, and he hid his grin behind a sigh. He patted the powdery ice blanket next to him, gesturing to her to sit down with him.
There was a long silence as they both stared at the glowing buildings colliding with the stars. They attempted to break the silence at the same time.
"How have you-"
"You're wearing-"
There was a pause, both of their faces red with embarrassment. Hwayoung laughed it off first, hiding her burning ear by throwing her auburn locks over it.
"I'll go first."
Jisung nodded silently, entranced by the view in front of him.
"It's been a long while since we've talked, are you....doing okay?"
He looked over at her for what was the second time in the matter of 5 minutes. At this moment, he analyzed her. Her facial expression didn't seem to be concerned, it was filled with more pity than anything. He couldn't help but stare at her, the girl he liked for the past year. She was beautiful to him; his heart's desire. And yet, something seemed so cold between them, more than that of the weather.
"Han?"
"I'm fine," he laughed bitterly. "School's just been in the way lately."
"Aren't you graduating tomorrow?" Hwayoung questioned, rubbing her hands for warmth. "What plans do you have for the future?"
He glanced at her trembling hands, removing his mittens. He took her palms, sliding them on in a smooth movement. The icy temperatures pierced through his skin, but he could bear it. He could bear it for her.
"Not much, actually." He admitted.
"What, are you going to ditch everything and be an idol or something?"
"Only if you'd support me."
"Shut up," she laughed harmoniously, hitting him on his chest. "Anyway, what were you going to ask?"
Jisung sat there for a little bit, almost zoning out as he tried to remember his question. Unfortunately, instead of remembering what he was originally going to ask, his mind was filled with the question he rehearsed for so long. He parted his lips, but quickly covered his mouth with a frigid hand as a noise came out.
She arched an eyebrow, but he shook his head, frowning. "I, uh, I think I forgot. Never mind."
"You're acting weird. More weird than usual. What's really going on?"
"Nothing."
He hoped that the topic would be dismissed, but today just was not his day.
"Han!"
"I said, nothing!"
"And there you go, throwing up your damn hands and getting defensive again."
"You keep prying in places where you shouldn't be!"
She scoffed at him as she got up.
"You're my friend, and I want to help. Just like you have before, you keep building these walls that are impossible to pass!"
"Because I don't know how to let you through, okay?!" he shouted over her, silencing her. "I don't know how to be honest with you. I don't know how to tell you I honestly like you when everytime we talk these days, we break into a shitty argument!"
He could see the mist of her shocked exhale, the widened eyes of disbelief. She stared at him like he was revealing something truly mind boggling, and he couldn't understand her.
"I've always built my walls because I get fucking anxious when it's time to say something and break them down. I just can't, and I wish I had the courage to do it. Are you happy now?"
"You...."
"What is it?" He inquired.
"You like me?"
It was then that he realized what he said. What he confessed. He could hear the palpitations in his chest, louder than his breathing. If he had teared up, she would have noticed.
Snowflakes trickled down like a heavy path of rain, and it only seemed to get colder. Within the night sky, they could hear the crunches of their boots in the snow. Just like the autumn trees around them that were frozen and feeble, Jisung's entire world had frozen from the inside.
He couldn't say a word.
"Jisung, do you love me?" she repeated softly.
"If I said I did, what would you—"
He was cut off by Hwayoung, who hugged him so tightly that he couldn't complete his sentence. He hugged her back, slowly accepting and falling into her embrace. The warmth that had spread between their bodies had shocked Jisung, especially within a weather condition such as this. And yet, it felt frigid. It was so cold in her arms, that it burned him.
He didn't know how to feel. Was he sad, or cheerful? Why was this one of the happiest feelings for him, yet undeniably painful? Maybe it had been how loose he held her; how soft and cowardly he was around her. With his young, child-like love, did he say his feelings too early?
It was so silent, it felt like the world had no one in it. No one, but the both of them. This soothed him and calmed him down, even though he still felt like crying. Even though his heart had already cracked. It was only a matter of time before it broke to pieces and bled out.
—-
Jisung's phone vibrated constantly, so much that the dance instructor scolded him for not leaving his phone on silent. He bowed profusely, rushing to the corner near the mirror to check what was going on when the music was paused. He huffed out a few breaths and wiped the perspiration off his jawline, unlocking his phone.
'hey, are u doing alright?'
'haven't talked to u in a while, imy'
'i know ur busy training to debut so i just wanted to say i love you so much and i miss you'
'im ur biggest fan (not conditioner)''
He frowned while staring at the unread messages, sighing loudly as his phone slipped out of his sweaty hands. Even after almost a year of being together, Jisung wanted to spend as much time with her as possible. But of course, his fate was against him. He joked about becoming an idol to her, but he was actually a trainee now. That meant he could have barely met her, or even talked to her, as he practiced almost every hour of the day.
Even he was surprised at how he didn't faint yet.
"There you go with that worried face again," a young male interrupted, throwing a muscular arm over his shoulder. "It's like you forgot how to smile."
"What do you want, Hyunjin?"
Hyunjin let out a tired sigh from his lips, brushing back the green bangs that tickled his nose.
"Let me guess, you want to meet Hwayoung again?"
Jisung didn't respond to the question. He only frowned deeper, leaning against the wall behind him. He felt like he needed something. Support from someone, or just an impartial answer in general. The feeling would eat him up on the inside if he hadn't said something. He stared at the ceiling, wondering if he was being swallowed by doubts, or if he was just being cowardly.
"Hey, uh, what if I sneak out?"
He gazed at him for a few seconds before answering. "If you do it, bring back something for me or I'm snitching."
"Fine," Jisung chuckled softly, tapping the floor with his fingers in a slow rhythm.
He expected Hyunjin to cover for him. After all, they went to the same high school and fooled around since then. They've had their fair share of arguments, but Jisung knows that Hyunjin has his back.
But something felt deeply wrong. What if Hwayoung would be angry at him? Could he stand another argument with the shape that he was in? No, Jisung thought. This time would be different. They're not the teenagers they were last year.
Because then, love hurted more than a gunshot. But to him, the bullet tasted just as decadent as candy. That confidence might have been what led him to bite the bullet, and break it into pieces.
"Her birthday is coming up, actually," he voiced the reminder to himself.
"What are you going to get her?"
That's when an idea truly clicked in his mind, as if someone flicked a lightswitch.
"Actually, I want to go somewhere," he smiled at the idea.
The dance instructor called for them as it was the end of their break. Jisung slid his phone back into his duffel bag, walking back to the center of the room. Hyunjin followed after him, blatantly confused.
"What do you mean by that?"
"Don't worry about it. I'll make sure you get a little gift when I get back, just meet me by the lockers at like 8 pm."
"Got it," Hyunjin whispered in response because of the dance instructor calling for everyone's attention.
Just like he expected, he was busy for the rest of the day. Vocal warmups and practice, learning steps for hours in the dance studio, then there were the producing classes (which was his favorite class) and language programs, which took up the rest of his afternoon.
Jisung's voice was raspy and low, but that was unavoidable for quite some time. He couldn't get enough sleep, so there were slight dark lines underneath his eyelashes. Nobody would notice them unless they looked closely.
He ignored the squeaks of his sneakers, walking through the hall with colorful and vibrant pop art littered all over the walls. If it wasn't for how tired he was, he would have usually pointed at the drawings as he passed, guessing which musical artist the person was.
He walked over to the gray lockers that blocked a drawing of Ne-Yo, dropping the duffel bag off of his throbbing shoulders. He deeply regretted not taking his satchel with him instead, mostly because he took his laptop and musical equipment with him and couldn't use them at all. Carrying around all of that dead weight had annoyed him.
"Zero...."
He twisted the knob for his locker combination, whispering the numbers so that nobody else could hear. But it was also so that he wouldn't put the wrong number by accident. As soon as it opened, he snatched his satchel, immediately throwing his duffel inside along with all of the frustration in his chest.
"Never again," he huffed. "Of course, I'm the dumbass that carries all the weight for no reason."
"Nah, you're fine."
The boy gasped in shock. He could've sworn Hyunjin appeared out of nowhere, almost like a snake. He looked like one in comparison with his hair anyway, but in the fluorescent ceiling lights, it had more of a blue tint to it.
"Jesus Christ. You appeared out of nowhere."
"Not really, I've been here for a few minutes now. I just waited for you near one of the studios."
Jisung sighed. "Will this really work?"
"Maybe it won't, the chances of you getting caught is higher than the first time."
Beyond Hyunjin's shrug, he couldn't see any other emotion except anxiety in his eyes. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to talk about his doubts when even his friend doubted him. He just had to face those doubts head-on.
"Damn, okay, I'll uh," he exhaled, releasing the tension in his chest, "I'll get going, then. It's now or never."
Hyunjin nodded as the younger one shuffled through his locker, throwing on a mask and a black hoodie. He carried a small backpack with him, waving back at the green-haired specimen and walking off.
"I hope I have the money with me."
He fidgeted as he got out of the elevator, bowing to anyone that passed by. Zooming past the entrance, he made his way to the botanist around the block.
After a while, with flowers in hand, he made his way to Wolgwang Park. This was the same park he'd been to a year ago, and the slight sting of nostalgia hitting his mind. He could never forget how much his hands hurt from the cold, but he still smiled through it. He was happy, back then.
With the bouquet of hyacinths in his left hand, he grabbed his phone out of the mesh pocket of his backpack. He swiftly unlocked it, texting the number under the nickname of 'My Flower'.
'where are you?'
He sent the message, only sighing in disappointment when he was met with a singular, gray tick. He gripped the bouquet in his hands tighter, even though his hands were beginning to get clammy. He knew that the longer he waited, the more suspicious the company would get. He was already in trouble for taking his phone back and sneaking it, but he'd take the risk. He didn't care. As long as she was with him, he'd do whatever it took to even talk to her.
He spotted black shoes in front of him, thinking it was a by-passer who needed him to move out of the path.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I'll mo-"
Just as he bowed, the person giggled. The girl looked at him from underneath his 45 degree bow. He could feel his cheeks heat up, and this only fueled Hwayoung's laughter further.
"Hey, little squirrel," she gave him a small peck on his cheek. "I see that you missed me! What are those, by the way?"
"It's for you."
He pushed the bouquet of the purple flowers toward her, looking off to the side to prevent himself from saying something stupid. "Ha-happy birthday, my flower."
"You're so thoughtful," she gasped as she snatched them out of his hands, sniffing them. "Although I expected more, this is nice."
Jisung paused, looking back into her eyes. "Sorry, what?"
"I think we have to talk, Han Jisung." She smiled sadly, handing him back the bouquet that he bought in a rush.
"What do you mean?"
Thoughts raced through his mind, so much that he couldn't even find words to utter. Among all of those thoughts, was an important and nervous one; what did he do? Was he negligent? Were his gifts not enough? Jisung was scrambling to find what was truly the issue between them that she had to bring up, but didn't expect the answer to be so heart-shatteringly cruel.
"You're the problem." she admitted, leaning against the pole of a streetlight. "I kept asking myself: what's more important to you? Me, or your life as a K-pop trainee?"
He analyzed her again. The frost in her tone contrasted the sad gaze in her eyes.
Something's not right here. This isn't adding up.
"Of course, it's you. If it wasn't, I wouldn't have sneaked out for you, risking my chances of being in a group."
His angry tone made her falter. The arms that were crossed over her chest moved to her back. He caught her straying gaze, but it only made him more pissed off. Why? He knew she was lying. It would be more strange if he didn't catch how standoffish his girlfriend was.
He tried to intercept her gaze, appearing in her field of eyesight. "Do you love me? If you do, then tell me what's really going on."
She bit her lip, breathing deeply. She knew the truth would hurt, but there was no telling how Jisung would respond. Her mistake was saying it as coldly as she did.
"I-I never loved you."
Jisung felt his organs sink into his stomach. His clammy hands were cold again, almost as freezing as that day last year. He was smiling back then. He could remember how he hugged her; how much they laughed and teased each other. How she congratulated him on his graduation day, giving him purple hyacinths to commemorate not only his achievements, but their relationship.
He was smiling, until that smile made him bleed from the inside. Until that smile made him risk his future career for love. Until that smile made him writhe in his own pain, with the flowers that once meant so much to them. To him.
"I did. I loved you. I loved you so much that I risked destroying myself for you." He sobbed, his voice so delicate, it was about to crack into pieces.
She touched his shoulder, but she was only rubbing salt into a very deep wound. "Jisung, I-"
"Don't touch me!"
He slapped her hand away. This was the only time he raised his head, and she saw his tears glisten from just under the mask.
"If you didn't love me, why did you act like you did?"
She fell silent.
"Answer me!"
She only turned her back to him, and even then, he couldn't understand her. He couldn't understand her ignorance, and most of all, her conscience. How could she lead him on with a happy heart? Maybe she had no idea what she was doing. But that was all over now.
"Actually, you don't have to answer. Just stop acting like you cared, and don't even think that we're friends from now on."
"I don't want anything to do with you." He hissed, before turning around.
He walked away before sprinting back to his dorm. He was sour, angry, sad, and regretful. He hated himself for his idea of love. He hated himself for being so naive. He hated himself for being him. For letting his emotions get in the way, and ruining him.
He felt like destroying that bouquet. And yet, he didn't. Something deep inside of him stopped him from doing anything to it. He decided to put it near the entrance and onto one of the small tables, wondering if to give it to Hyunjin instead. He did give it to him, actually. Although it took a lot of willpower.
A few years had passed. Jisung debuted with Hyunjin in the same team, along with 6 other members. They were considered 'monster rookies', and luckily, his past relationship hadn't resurfaced into the media to haunt him. It was hard for him to trust people as he once did, but he was able to heal from the scars he was given. Aside from the few times that Hyunjin would bring Hwayoung up, just to torment his soul.
"I wonder how Hwayoung is going," He brought up slyly.
"Love is stupid," Jisung chuckled bitterly, as he played with his game console.
Hyunjin shook his head. "Maybe it is, but you shouldn't hate love because of one person, and being in love when you're young is more passionate than when you're older."
He paused his game. "And painful."
"Right," He snorted, rolling his eyes. "Anyway, I'm gonna head to the dance studio today to practice. Don't break anything."
"Yes, Mr. Hwang."
Jisung looked over the sofa to see his reaction. Hyunjin flipped the bird, and this was the reaction he wanted. Entertained, he laughed before spinning back around. His eyes settled on the purple hyacinths that were now in a glass vase in the corner of the room. He couldn't help but sigh and showcase a sentimental grin, letting the bittersweet memories flash through his mind.
"Love is more passionate when you're young, huh?" He chuckled. "I guess that's true. But it's more of a memory when you get older, too."