Last night, I may have hallucinated. Now this is not to say that I have hallucinated before, because I, in fact have not. That is what concerns me. What could have caused it? There are far too many reasons why. Pardon me, I'm jumping straight into it. My mind is a mess. Everything is spinning and swirling and mixing together into a murky grey.
I was trying to sleep last night, just as any night. And then it happened. At first, I thought it was the weight of sleep. See, when I'm comfortably drowsy, I begin to hallucinate my thoughts (which is quite different and normal.) But no, this was, it was so very overwhelming. Then I remembered where I knew it from. I had an extremely high fever at the age of 6 and the same thing happened then. If that hadn't happened in my life, I would have never recognized this as a hallucination. Again, I'm rambling on as if you have a single clue what I'm talking about. Perhaps even I don't know what I'm talking about.
It was a bundle of voices. Well, not quite. It's difficult to explain. At first it was merely a pressure in my head. Then, the noises around me began to sound like voices, and to my dismay, they were voices. But no coherent words could be heard. As if they were only hollow shells of voices. Merely echoes. Whispers. I could only understand the emotion behind them. Angry, insistent rambling. On and on nonstop, no matter what I was doing in that moment. I don't know why it overwhelmed me so. I found myself panicking because I could not stop the voices. They went on and on and on, overlapping and droning angrily about things I didn't understand. Perhaps it was the fact that I didn't understand them which scared me. They could have been saying anything. They spoke so quickly too. At inhuman speeds. They caused a pressure inside my mind which only grew with time. I felt like I needed to get out of my skin, to stand, to run, to move. Restless and overwhelmed, I could not sleep a wink.
I have many theories as to what could have caused this. The most prominent one is Habits' return. As I mentioned previously, he is parasitic in nature and could have caused my mind to quite literally, melt. Or, it might have been him speaking the entire time. But that wouldn't be a halluciation, and I can say with certainty that it was. I could also have just experienced simple psychosis, which is, quite, concerning by itself. No matter what may have caused it, it wouldn't make me any less concerned. I never imagined something like this could happen to me. Yet here we are. Now I have trouble distinguishing reality from hallucinations. How do you know which is which? How could you ever know, if you hadn't experienced them before? What is real?
I've found that it only happens when it's quiet and I'm not doing anything else but lying still. Which, could pose a risk to my sleep schedule. At the very least it doesn't happen during the day. That would have been much more disruptive.
Quite simply, my mind is broken. And I don't know what could ever fix it. Oh, dear. I think I'm beginning to hear them again. They start distant at first, like things you think you heard, but didn't quite hear. I must sound insane to you. Perhaps you're thinking to yourself, maybe everything this person has told us might have been hallucinations. I don't know. I can't tell at all. I would have told you before with complete confidence that they weren't. But now, I can't trust myself. There are those who can confirm certain things I experienced truly happened. But what about those I experienced in the private of my own company, with no one else to bear witness? How am I meant to tell?
I'm hoping it was only a one time experience. Please let it have been. I don't think I can deal with that right now. I don't think I ever will be able to.