March 4, 2000 (Friday)
The anger that has built up inside of me has only made my mind weaker. My body has only gotten stronger though. The voices can come in and out with such ease I can't even silence them anymore. I'm too fragile of a state to fight them. I let them take over my mind and body. I can't even control what I do half the time. It's like I'm living in my own body, being played with like some puppet on strings. I do as I'm made to and don't complain.
Theo being alive has thrown everything for a loop. Mattheo and Tom have let me be again, more than they have been recently.
They don't even attempt to talk anymore. It's not like I react much anyways. It's like when I was raped. The same numb feeling of hopelessness. Except this time, the hope that keeps coming back gets shot down time after time.
Theo's alive but in Azkaban.
Azkaban for fuck's sake.
If he's alive, he might not even be recognizable anymore. It could all be as if he's dead anyways.
Every time I let my mind wander to the fact that I might actually see him again, I remember that there's barely a chance. Visitors aren't allowed which means he's alone. It means I can't fucking visit him and see him again.
Who in Azkaban actually gets let out?
If you're on the level of security he's supposedly on, then never. He'll never see me again either.
Anyways, I've been thinking of how it must've gone down for Theo. I think he was caught while still at Hogwarts. I just can't let myself believe he would've left without me no matter what. Someone must've captured him and turned him in to the Ministry.
My brothers and I had our own private trials after the war. The Ministry wasted no time locating us when we were out away from Tom's house.
They were waiting, it was obvious. They waited until someone spotted us and took charge.
We went through a trial as a trio and ended up being let loose. There were tests of us promising we were not intending harm on Dumbledore's army and such. We had to prove we tried to fight for Hogwarts and not for my father. That and a lot of money ended up with us being set free.
Most of all, I think about the fact that Harry Potter knew. He had to have known. He works for the bloody ministry and didn't bother mentioning it to me. He saw how horrible I was in his mind because of it, but he didn't do a thing to help. He could've at least told me Theo was alive.
This morning I woke up early and decided I needed to pay Harry a little visit. He can't be all happy when I'm in physical pain because of what I've been going through.
I left a note on the kitchen counter to let my brothers know I left. I said I had to run some errands and I'd be home later. Those errands just happen to be at Harry's house.
I used apparition to get to his house, since I only know the location generally. I closed my eyes and waved my wand.
I was greeted by the smell of rain. I opened my eyes to find myself standing on a wet sidewalk. There were various houses, all thin and tall. This is some sort of wizarding town. I was facing one house in particular. This better be his house.
I walked up the wooden steps covered in water and knocked on the dark brown door.
I heard the click of a lock and the door swung open. Harry stood staring at me, looking both confused and overly welcoming.
"Ry, I didn't know I was expecting you." Harry said. "You weren't. I wanted to talk to you."
Harry welcomed me inside. He has to have known by now that I took the elder wand. How is he not asking me about it?
I followed Harry into a small living room just inside the door. The house was covered in oranges and browns, looking like a smaller cozy-style home for them. Ginny must not be home.
Harry opened his mouth to say something but I was at my limit for holding in my anger.
"How could you not tell me he was alive? You've known and have left me in pieces for years. You've known where Theo was all along and didn't even bother to mention it!" My voice rose as I spoke.
"Ry, I didn't think it would change anything. I only found out recently." He said calmly. "It wouldn't change anything? You're insane! How recently did you find out then?" An annoyed laugh exited my mouth.
"September."
I clenched my jaw to keep myself from literally screaming in annoyance. "I haven't seen him since then. It was for a few minutes, I didn't even talk to him."
He saw him?
Harry Potter saw Theo and knew where he was for months.
He's never once mentioned it. He's fucking hid it and he got to see him.
"You saw him? You saw him and didn't tell me? You saw how bad it was for me when I didn't even know if he had survived the war. I thought you were on my side!" I yelled.
"Either way you wouldn't have been able to see or contact him. It wouldn't have mattered." Harry said back, his voice stern.
"I trusted you were there for me. I can't even believe this." I responded. "I wanted you to move on and knew that knowing he was in Azkaban wouldn't make that any easier."
Because not knowing is clearly better than knowing. I'm going to make a plan finally. I'm going to kill Harry Potter. I'm going to do what my father always wanted.
"You talk about breaking trust with people when you stole the elder wand from me. Don't think I didn't put together how you did it as soon as I noticed it was gone. Making me cut myself and rushing to be the hero, just to get my blood? Ginny told me how you were being sketchy in our room that day." I swallowed as he explained my whole plan to the minute I performed it.
How did he figure it out?
"I had to, Harry. I fucking had to. I had no choice!" The voices were back. I pressed my palms into my temples to focus my mind again.
"Shut up, pathetic girl!"
"Kill Harry now!"
"Use your wand and kill the boy!"
"He's still connected to you, isn't he? Voldemort's pulling apart your mind. Even after you got his precious elder wand back."
I shut my eyes so hard I thought I might pass out.
"Kill him now!"
The voices kept getting louder and they wouldn't shut up. They boomed through my skull, through my body. My thoughts spiraled and I couldn't think straight.
"Unless you don't have it. Someone else has possession over the wand, don't they? You let someone disarm you. Who? Who has control of the wand now?"
"Shut up!" I yelled.
It was partially intended for Harry and partially for my own head.
"I don't have it anymore! You might not even be able to use it either!" I yelled, trying to overpower the voices.
"Who disarmed you? Ry, who the hell did you involve with that wand? You know that thing is powerful. What did you do?" Harry yelled back at me.
My head was heavy and my whole body burned. My father is getting stronger. Even within me, he's winning.
"Someday, I'll have you dead, Potter. Fuck you." I mumbled, reaching into my bag and frantically searching for my wand to get home.
"Ry, who has it?" Harry yelled again, not getting a response from me.
If anything, my father has more control over me in his death than he ever did alive.
My fingers brushed past my wand and I grabbed a hold of it, trying to focus long enough to do the spell to get home.
"You won't stay sane long enough."
I want to go home. I want to fucking get out of here.
"Ry!" Harry grabbed onto my arm and shook me, his grip way tighter than it should've been. "Harry, let me fucking go!" If I did the spell with him latched onto me, it'd take us both to Tom's house.
"No, you can't just run away. That's all you've ever done."
"Crucio!"
"Avada Kedavra!"
"Do a spell and take you both out!"
"Overwhelm him!"
"Stop!" I shrieked, the voices were almost to the point of controlling my body as well as my mind. Harry held on tighter as he help up his wand.
"You're going to let the pitiful Potter kill you! Stupid girl!"
"Petrificus totalus!" I managed to yell, knocking Harry off of me. Harry fell flat on his back, his wand flying from his hand. "I told you to get to fuck away from me." I mumbled, swiping my wand through the air. Harry's eyes locked with mine as the room spun, apparating me out of his house.
~~~
March 11, 2000 (Friday)
Draco wrote to me about a trial that's happening in two weeks.
Theo's trial.
There's supposed to be a trial on the next term of Theo's incarceration. He had an initial sentence of two years so they could determine how badly he needed to be punished for his crimes or some shit like that. Yet, somehow they let us, the children of the Dark Lord himself free.
Idiots, I swear.
Anyways, Tom reached out to Ron and Harry to see if we could get into the trial. I thought Harry would rat me out for my behavior last week but he must not have. I'm sure I wouldn't hear the end of it if he had told my brothers.
Shockingly, Harry agreed to make sure we got into the trial. Maybe he feels bad for hiding it from me for so long. Or maybe he's just trying to make sure I don't murder his ass from keeping me from Theo any longer. Either way, all I care about is that I'll see him.
Theo is alive and I'm going to see him this weekend. This fucking month. I don't know if I'll get to speak to him. Or even get anywhere near him. Maybe Harry can get us in for at least a minute. All I need is one minute with Theo again so we can sort this out.
Draco's going to get himself in, probably disguised the same as we'll have to be. It might be a public trial, but we're still all on the Ministry's bad side. They'd take any chance they could get to lock us away.
~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~
Yay, we get to see Theo again. Whoop!
anyways- thanks for reading!