There was a lot of time to think as I ran along the beach and back. And a lot to think about; enough deep thoughts to distract me from the now-unfamiliar feeling of not wearing a diaper. But I couldn't really think, because I had no idea what Hugo was going to say. I didn't know what he was going to think, or how I could possibly persuade him that I wasn't some kind of freak for wanting this. I knew that really, I should have been reading over all the messages he had already sent me. With everything that had happened, and being babied for most of the week, I could barely remember the details. But when I lifted my phone up, I couldn't bring myself to scroll back on all those messages without reliving all the stress that I'd had about missing them. Just from the last few that were already on the screen, I could see that I had made him worry more than I ever wanted to.
As I came up to the house, I saw Hugo's parents driving away again. They waved as they passed, but I was still too anxious to come closer. Maybe they would have said something useful to me, but I wasn't in the right state of mind to talk to anyone right now. Presumably that was why I'd decided it would be easier to put off seeing Hugo again. Maybe I was just scared to get back to normal, because that meant I would have to face up to reality. Until I knew the truth, I could keep on telling myself that Hugo really liked me, and that he wouldn't be mad about the way I'd led him on and then stopped replying.
I came to the house, but I couldn't bring myself to go in. I didn't want to talk to anyone about this. Not right now. Every time I tried to imagine the conversation, it would end in disaster. A part of me wanted to stay oblivious, deluding myself that it was possible he would still like me after all this. Or maybe I just needed some time to think. I was a little more clear-headed than I had been when I left the house, so perhaps exercise was all that I needed. Another run? But then I might be too far away to get back quickly if I found a moment of inner peace that might let me talk about it.
I saw the hoop on the back of the beach house. It had been there since we moved in, and had never been used. I'd tried playing basketball last year, hoping that I would show some miraculous talent and be able to impress Hugo on my return, but I'd never managed to get good. I hadn't even managed to get one shot in, no matter how long I tried. But now? Now I could probably do it.
There was a cupboard under the house. A wooden door with a padlock on, which opened easily if you jiggled it in the right way. I managed to pull it open, and realised that we hadn't even found a reason to open it this year. The space inside smelled musty, and there was probably a crab living in the corner again. There was sand everywhere, and it was a little damp in that low space. But between all the buckets and spades, and big plastic excavators that hadn't been used since we were actual kids, I found a ball. Not a basketball, unfortunately. It was lighter, and a little softer. I couldn't judge if it was larger than the ball I was used to. Maybe the right size for volleyball, or the right weight for soccer. Anyway, I was sure that it would be good enough for practice.
I didn't expect to get any better at basketball this way. The ball was different, and I found out instantly that you can't dribble on sand. But I could run around in the space between the house and the cliff, and try making shots from different angles. I was a little out of practice; although the games on sports day had helped. And lining up each shot took my full attention, not leaving any time to think about other things. That was what I really needed right now, so I was glad of the chance to avoid thinking for a while.
I didn't know how long I'd been standing there, throwing that ball up against the wall, before it tumbled down and I saw a familiar pair of hands reach out to catch it.
"You're getting better," he said, and I knew there was no judgement in his voice. I turned towards him, already fishing for words in my mind, trying to work out the right thing to say so that he wouldn't think badly of me. But then I met his eyes, and he tossed the ball towards me. An easy pass at chest height. I made a little step to the left, and caught it without trouble. And then I looked up at the hoop; I wasn't in such a good position here, but I felt like I would be travelling if I took another step. Was Hugo still trying to see me get better, giving me a little challenge to overcome? That was a language I could speak without difficulty.
I threw the ball up. It bounced off the corner of the little backboard, which I was sure was smaller than standard, and seemed to hang in the air for a second before resting on the very edge of the hoop. I held my breath, and watched it go in.
"Good shot," he said. "You've not lost your touch. I heard you had a pretty tough time of it, this week."
"Yeah, it's..." I started, but I didn't know how to continue. There was just too much to say.
"You don't have to talk about it," he said. "It's not my business. But Willow said you might need some help looking after Lindy. Of course, I can do that. Babysitting is like... there's rules to follow. And standard things I've got to do. She can leave me a list of things that Lindy's allowed to do, and what she isn't. And I'll just follow that. It's easier, not having the uncertainty."
"Yeah," I said nervously, taking another shot. This time, my mind wasn't fully on the ball, and I missed it. But I caught it on the rebound, and passed it into a particularly difficult spot near the base of the cliff. Hugo jumped up to catch it, and started to line up the show.
"I think you said something like that before," I said. "You don't want to start dating, because you don't know what to do on a date. There's no rules, or they're all unwritten ones, and everybody expects you to read between the lines. But babysitting would be easy. So... would you like to be my babysitter too?"
"I thought it would be easy like that," he mumbled. This time, it was him too embarrassed to pay attention to where the ball was going. I didn't make the effort to retrieve it when it went wild. "I kind of... I want to spend more time with you, but I don't know what to do. Or what to suggest. If I was a babysitter, Willow would tell me the rules, and that would be fine. That's what I thought when I heard your sister shout about... calling you a baby. That's kind of weird, huh?"
"It's not the same as everybody else," I said. "Normal is boring. And if you want to be my babysitter, I'd love that. I mean... Lindy set me up, and got me punished for things I wasn't really doing. I had to be a baby for most of this week, and I couldn't read your messages or reply for most of it. But you know? Not being able to talk to you was the only part that really upset me. I'd like to... well, I don't know. But Lindy was mature enough to confess, and that's got to mean something. I'm going to keep on being a baby, and play with her like equals, so it isn't too bad for her. And if you can be the babysitter, well then... That would be really great. Please?"
Hugo didn't say anything, but just came closer and put his arms around me. He hugged me so close, and my heart was racing now. Was this a little consolation before he told me that choosing to do this was too weird for him?
"Sally," he said. "I really like you. And I'll do anything to be with you. Is this what you really want? Because I... somehow it makes me feel a bit weird. But in a good way. If that makes sense? The thought of having so much responsibility, and having that power over you. I can't explain why I want it so much. And I felt so guilty about that, but if you want it too, then..."
"Maybe it means you're falling for me," I said, and then blushed and felt the urge to explain my words. "I mean... it could be, right? That feeling of just wanting to spend time together, and not knowing what's the right thing to say... Maybe that's what I thought it might be. And it's nothing like romance in the movies, but don't people always say that those are unrealistic? I'm not saying this is love, I don't know how you'd even know that. But if we've got this feeling of wanting to be together, and wanting to do this thing together, then I think there's no reason not to do it. We don't need to explain it."
"Just accept it?" he said, and the mask of nervousness cracked. "Let's do that."
He took my hand and led me back to the front door of the beach house, letting the ball lie where it had fallen. I had no doubt that Hugo would have one of his own, an actual basketball, the next time we came to play. Walking with his hand in mine, my feelings were somewhere between holding hands with my almost-boyfriend, and having a grown-up hold my hand to make sure I didn't wander off. And whichever was closer, I loved both versions of how that made me feel.
"Come to gloat?" Lindy said, pouting, as soon as we walked into the kitchen. She looked adorable dressed up like a baby, but I could only think that my little sister was sad, and I wanted to make it easier for her. "Coming to take pictures so you can humiliate me to all my friends?"
"I think you're being punished enough," I said. "And if you're a baby, I am too. You're my sister, so we do the hard parts together."
"What, you're going to let your boyfriend see you like a little baby?"
I blushed again at the word, but I nodded. And then as if that wasn't clear enough, I gave a confident "Yes."
"Sounds like I've got two little babies again," Mum said with a grin. "Well, girls? Hugo is your babysitter now. Listen to him as long as we're here, and be good for him." My blushes could only intensify at that, now I knew how much power he would have. It was like all my dreams were coming true.
"Two adorable little babies," Hugo agreed, and it was like my heart was going to explode with joy. "It's been a long time since I had to change diapers, but I think I'll need to get used to it again."
"I'm not a baby!" Lindy yelled. "I don't need–"
"It's okay," Hugo said, a confidence that somehow made her quiet without needing to shout. Just like Dad used to. "You're both adorable babies, and I need to get used to this. Pee for your Mommy."
I saw the surprise in Lindy's eyes, just as I felt the stream of pee running down my own legs, and starting to pool around my shoes. I would have blushed again, but my face was already as bright as it could possibly get.
"I did a wee!" I said, almost feeling proud that I could recognise the fact. Lindy spoke up at the same time, but went for "I made tinkles!" instead. I realised now that she'd been saying it at the same time I had whenever the hypnosis video ended; and I'd just been too engrossed in my own feelings to notice.
"Good girls," Hugo said. "Now, we'd better get you changed. It looks like somebody let Sally out without a diaper, and I think that was a very silly thing to do. We'll have to make sure you're not making any more puddles on the floor this weekend, won't we?"
Blushes increased to maximum, my head flooded with babyish thoughts, and happier than I'd ever been before, I let Hugo lead me up the stairs to my room.