Arkham Asylum.
It had been a long time since you had a "real" session with Dr. Jonathan Crane. A session with your psychiatrist. But that was exactly what you needed after what you had done. After you demanded that Scarecrow drug your friend with the Fear Toxin. Deep down, it was exactly what you wanted. But now that all of this has happened, you felt bad. You had let your dark thoughts run wild. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Never before had Crane's office felt so confining. The cool, white walls seemed to come closer and closer to you. "So, Y/N. You wanted to talk about what happened. I admit, maybe I really should have referred you to a colleague for something like this, but I'm trying to be as impartial as possible.", a smile played around Crane's lips. "Let's get started." His blue eyes were fixed directly on yours. As if they were looking straight into your soul. Seeing through that you probably weren't as good a person as you always thought. "Why did you ask Scarecrow for help? And do you regret what you did?"
The white walls had surrounded you almost like a straitjacket. It was the guilt you had just been exposed to and that was exactly what you wanted: You wanted to talk about it, you wanted to feel guilty, and you hoped that Jonathan would agree with you. Part of you knew that he supported what you had done. He probably celebrated it. "I... when I poured my heart out to her and realised she didn't seem to care how I was doing, I just wanted her to suffer," the shock at the honesty of your words was written all over your face. While your hands trembled, Crane was mesmerised by you. He grinned. "Go on."
Go on. Yes, because it was also so easy to talk about. "Yes. Damn it, I wanted it at that moment. I've been disappointed so many times in my life and it doesn't justify anything. It doesn't justify my decision. I would be making it too easy for myself. But yes, I wanted it. In that moment I wanted it and I enjoyed having that power. Power over her through Scarecrow. But... fuck. FUCK!", angry and desperate you slammed your fist on the table. This whole situation was taking too much out of you. THIS wasn't you. You were always the idiot who cared too much and was too emphatic. And not someone who took pleasure in the suffering or fear of others. But the question was: did you want to become that person? Or did you want to make it easy for yourself and be good today and bad tomorrow?
There was nothing holding you to the chair, you had to get up to break out of this emotional straitjacket that surrounded you. "Of course I regret it. It's all wrong. None of it. I should have just told her that she is a bad friend in my eyes right now. That I really needed someone to take care of my problems ONCE. After that I should have kicked her out. I could make it easy on myself now and say it's up to you. It's your influence. But no. At the end of the day, I have to admit to myself that I made the decision and wanted it that way at that moment," you sighed. Talking about it helped you, though. You could get rid of all the ballast that was weighing down your heart and that was exactly what you needed. It wouldn't make what you did any better, but the more you thought about it and the more you got it off your chest, the more you knew you didn't want to become that person. Jonathan wouldn't change you either.
He had been watching you all the time and listening to your words. He didn't take notes - both of you were aware that he was not the psychiatrist he pretended to be on the first day. Jonathan adjusted his suit and the glasses on his nose. He recognised the conflict in you, but also that little micro-expression on your face that told him you had chosen a side. And as he had actually suspected, you would of course choose the good side. He cleared his throat and rose from his chair. Calmly he walked towards you and held you by the shoulders. "Y/N...". Jesus. When he said your name like that, you got goosebumps and weak knees every time.
"I'll tell you my opinion as your psychiatrist: your guilt is perfectly natural and justified. I have come to know you as a sensible and very empathetic young woman who has only been guided by her hurt. And perhaps also a little of her curiosity. But these feelings disappear again. Let me tell you, she will not remember that you introduced Scarecrow to her as a friend of yours," he took a deep breath, "but let me tell you now as a friend... or ask you much more: has she contacted you? How are you doing? If you are well after that attack? As I told you, Y/N... due to the dose, she doesn't remember everything, but definitely that she was with you and encountered Scarecrow at your place.", he placed his cool hand against your cheek and stroked it with his thumb. "I distinctly remember you telling her that Scarecrow was haunting you as well." You furrowed your eyebrows and shook your head. "No... but it would have been just as much my job to write to her. How she is and I didn't do that. I didn't even ask her if she had arrived home safely. Instead, I gave myself to you and enjoyed it. I-I should have written to her. It was-" Jonathan put his index finger to your lips and shook his head with a soft, barely audible "Ssssht."
He shook his head. "It would have been her job and I mean it. After all, you stayed behind with that monster, didn't you? And that's exactly why she deserved it. Deserved to feel that fear and to suffer. I am proud of you. And I never wanted you more than I did at that very moment." Your (dark/light) eyes continued to look at Jonathan with guilt. It probably really would have been better if you had spoken to another psychiatrist. But you would accept it for the moment. There was no point after all! Of course he thought it was good that you acted that way. However, a thought occurred to you. "Jonathan...? Could you give me a dose to take with me? In case I can't contact you immediately. In case... in case this feeling comes over me again? I'd tell you about it, of course, the reaction and all that.... for your research."
For the moment, Jonathan did not know how to assess this situation. He was convinced that he knew you, that he could see through you, but he sensed that something was wrong. His first thought was, of course, that you would use it on him - actually, it would be poetic justice, considering how he had treated you and used you. His expression darkened and he took a step back. "Oh, Y/N... oh Y/N... actually I thought we were past such games? I actually thought you would trust me...", he grabbed your wrist and turned you towards him with an elegant twist. Your back was against his chest. One hand was still on your wrist, but the other was on your neck. Gentle, but threatening. His lips touched your ear, "Do you really think..." he whispered, "that you can try this toxin on me...? I think it's a really nice try and meanwhile... I was actually thinking that we could do some tests together. But I think you still don't fear me enough. Such a ridiculous attempt."
You felt your throat go dry and your whole body tense. You were paralysed. You hadn't even thought of that - in fact, you had considered locking it away and giving it to Batman if necessary. "W-what? That... that really wasn't my intention, Jonathan," your voice sounded shaky. Anxious. Full of fear. Actually, just the way he loved it, right? "Why would I even think of using it on you? I wanted it for my own protection. That's all." It was a lie, but you hoped you put it across well enough.
"The truth." replied Crane in a dark voice as his hand tightened a little around your throat. "OKAY! OKAY!" you shouted. Knowing full well what he wanted to hear. What would excite him. You had to keep up your own mask. "I enjoyed it. I enjoyed the suffering of Clara, the fear in her eyes, the despair. I want to experience it again. I want to enjoy it alone. I want her to suffer because of her hurtful words and for being a bad friend. Because she DESERVES to suffer. Never would I have thought of poisoning you with this. Do you think I don't know that your revenge would probably drive me so insane that I would get a room in Arkham? No. That was the last thought I had when I asked for a dose. I just want to spread fear myself. Scarecrow and Lady Nightmare."
"Lady Nightmare...?" his voice sounded puzzled, but in a positive way. He liked the thought of it. He loosened his grip and let go of you. "Where did you come up with Lady Nightmare?" - Boom. You had him. You'd talked yourself out of it perfectly and it was a load off your mind. You kept your mask up and didn't show the relief that just welled up inside you. But at the same time you were worried, because deep down you knew that these words were partly true. Somehow you really enjoyed it - as much as you tried to deny and ignore it, you were also honest with yourself. Frightening. Worrying.
"It was the first name that came to me. Our fears are often reflected in nightmares, aren't they? So the name Lady Nightmare came to me," you shrugged and turned to Jonathan. You had never seen him like that before. His eyes sparkled as if he had found the greatest treasure. He was fascinated by what he had created. Fascinated by you. His little experiment, his creation. "I love it.", the wide, delighted smile on his lips made you smile softly yourself. It was contagious. At the same time, however, it made you sad. How you wished you could see such a gleam in his eyes simply because you had met. No, you had to pretend to have become a monster like him (which maybe deep down you really were) to be able to see him like that.
"I'll give you a dose. But I want you to promise me that if you use it... tell me everything. Memorise every detail and let's do tests together sometime.... Scarecrow and Lady Nightmare. I like that.", he winked at you and strolled to his silver case. He took out a small vial and handed it to you. "Enjoy it, dear. Have fun. I must confess... I've seen a different side of you today and I'm thrilled. We should do this kind of session again soon." You nodded. "Definitely, Jonathan. Definitely.", you gratefully accepted the dose and stowed it in your pocket. "Just give me a few days. I need to process all this and think about my next meeting with Clara. A lot happened and yes. I think I need some 'me-time'."
Jonathan came closer with a big smile on his lips. "Of course, my Lady Nightmare. But whenever you need me... or an advise. Let me know. I'm here for you." You nodded quietly and went to the door. "Oh... and I'm still not finished with our experiments, Y/N. We had an agreement and... I have to admit it. I just love your eyes filled with fear. Forgive me for that, love." Of course, there would be no end to it. He simply enjoyed seeing you suffer and yet you felt something for him. Pathetic. "Sure, Jonathan. Just give me some days and continue doing what you're doing. Goodbye for now." With these words you left his office and also quickly the Asylum.
Author's Note
Hello my dearest readers!
First of all I want to apologize for my late update.
Surgery went well but I have issues with sitting and so I wasn't able to write.
THAT's also the reason why you get a shorter chapter.
Acutally I wanted to write more including Batman BUT... you'll have to wait for the next chapter.
I also wish you a Happy Valentine's Day - if you celebrate it. I'm just celebrating it in my mind with fictional charaters hahaha :)
I'm trying to upload soon! Or... let's say: Sooner! x3
Anyway I hope you like the chapter and I promise the next one's gonna be longer again!
Thanks for reading and voting! And feel free to let me know about your thoughts in the comments!
xx N
PS: Gif found on pinterest via Nikkolet Ashby