Double updates 😆
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It's an hour after the kitchen... whatever it was (incident? If it can even be called that) before Jennie and Jisoo leave. We all say goodbye to the door and smile, and neither of the girls leaving think twice about me staying back because I always used to do that before I slept with Rosé, so it's no difference in their eyes.
I make my way over to the sofa and slump down on to it, my arms hanging limply by my side and head tilted back against the cushions. I let out a long breath, still trying to figure out what happened in the kitchen because one second we were about to kiss and then I knocked two cups together and Rosé was acting all weird. I'm not sure if it was because I jumped back at the noise, but I didn't do that out of fear that someone had walked in, I was just shocked at the sudden noise and so I pulled back to look at what it was.
Although if that was the reason, then why would Rosé have been upset? She knows that the thing going on between the two of us is secret, and she seemed completely cool with that before.
Unless something's changed.
But it can't have done. We literally had that conversation this morning. About two and a half hours ago, actually.
I'm just over thinking things. Nothing's changed and Rosé wasn't acting weird. I'm being paranoid and I need to quit it.
Rosé comes over from the front door after waving Jisoo and Jennie down the hallway and climbs over my legs, pressing both palms on to my thighs to support herself as she slumps down next to me. We're both a little tired, and I throw my arm over her shoulder as she cuddles into my side because I like the warmth. Plus this doesn't mean anything; like I said before, we two used to cuddle and hug all the time when we were 'just friends.'
Though I suppose we're still 'just friends' now... But with added extras.
Whatever. The point here is that we two can cuddle and it doesn't mean anything.
"Ugh, I'm tired," Rosé groans turning over and throwing an arm over my midsection, her legs coming up on the sofa as her head rests on my shoulder.
I don't move my head from where it's tilted back, just hum in agreement. "Me, too. Swear to God adrenaline takes a lot out of you."
"Definitely," she whispers and I feel a warmth pressing over my entire body, crawling up to the back of my eyelids and pulling them shut. "How did you get out anyway?"
The corners of my lips pull up. "Fire escape," I reply and Rosé lifts her head off my shoulder, so I peer down at her. "What?"
"You climbed out the window and down the fire escape?" She reiterates, disbelief flashing over her features.
I chuckle and close mu eyes again, resting my head back. "Yeah. Do you know someone called Chaerin Lee? She lives two floors down."
Rosé moves back to her position, her fingers tickling over my shirt and dipping beneath the hem, stroking over the skin of my hip. I hum into the touch and I know she's not trying to turn me on, or turn the situation to a sexual one so it's nice. I like spending time with Rosé like this. Don't get it wrong, I love having sex with her too, but these little moments here when I don't even have to talk and I feel completely comfortable... I just really like them.
"Mmhmm," she mumbles, making a noise of acknowledgement even though I can tell sleep is pulling her in. "She's a bit of a mean bean."
I chuckle a little at her description. "Yeah, well, she caught me topless and shoeless by her window."
Rosé shoots up, whipping her head around and my eyes snap open to meet hers. "What!? Why were you topless and shoeless!?"
"When I was gonna come out, Jennie was coming to pee, the door was open and I freaked," I explain like that was obvious. "I couldn't go to the toilet or shut the door without letting her know I was in your room."
Rosé's face just splits into the most wonderful smile as she giggles. "So you climbed out the fire escape half-dressed?" She manages to get out between her chuckles.
I squint at her fiercely and pull her back to my chest, hugging her tighter to me this time. "Shut up. I freaked out and that was the first thing I thought of."
"And you didn't think about grabbing a shirt or a pair of shoes before you climbed out the window?" She giggles into my neck, nuzzling her nose into my skin.
"Nope," I reply, punctuating my sentence with a yawn. "Just got my ass out of there and Chaerin found me, dragged me inside and gave me clothes before warning me that if she ever caught me creepin' outside her window again, she'd push me off the fire escape."
Rosé chuckles even harder into my neck, her arm tightening around my waist and I just pull her even closer until she's basically in my lap. "She means that, too," she whispers and I can tell she's drifting off by the way her voice lowers and slurs a little.
"Don't think I'll be doing that again," I sigh and let myself fully relax against the sofa again.
Rosé just nods and I drop a kiss to her hair before we both go silent.
Minutes later, we fall asleep.
***
As the weeks go by, I realize that the strangest thing about me and Rosé is that whenever we see each other—which is still every day, no matter what—we don't always end up having sex. And yeah, that may seem like it's not a big deal when I think that we two are doing other stuff instead of sex, but we're not. Admittedly, a large portion of the time, we do end up having sex or doing something at least, but there are times where we don't even think about it.
I'll just be sitting at home and have the urge to be around Rosé, and so I give in and either she comes over or I'll go over there, and we'll just chill on the sofa, cuddled together and watch a movie.
Neither of us talk about it, and I do enjoy the times when she comes over and I can just tell that we two are going to be panting against each others mouth in less than five minutes, but I also enjoy the little things when I'm with her. Like I enjoy waking up to her staring at me, or like when I'm cooking breakfast and I hear her hum and then moments later, that gorgeous blonde wanders in wearing one of my shirts and gives me the brightest of all smiles.
It's a little strange, but I've trained myself not to really think about it and none of my friends know so as far as I'm concerned, this is still strictly... well I don't know what it is but it's not complicated and I'm cool with that.
Still, when I realize I've been having sex with Rosé for over two months and I haven't slept with anyone else in that time span, I sit down at my kitchen island and think for a good hour or two because I'm sure that means something. I don't know what it is, but I'm sure there's some significance somewhere and even though I've forced myself not to think about things like that, I'm kind of intrigued to know what that significance is. It's like when someone tells me not to look at something, I just want to.
I just want to take a little peek, but I'm scared that if I take a little peek, I won't be fully satisfied and will want to see all of it. But that means opening a whole lot of something I'm not sure of and I don't know what's inside it. It's like Pandora's Box... and there's a chance I might open it and get something good, but there's also a chance I might open it and a whole lot of crap might come flying out at me and I might get so freaked out that I ruin my friendship with Rosé entirely.
The thing is though, pushing all of that crap about Pandora's Box aside, is that I know I haven't slept with anyone else in those two months I've slept with Rosé and she's been everything I need and satisfied me completely...
But I don't know if she's only been sleeping with me.
And the worst part about that?
Is that I don't want her answer to be that she hasn't.
***
Ever since I got that question in to my mind, I haven't been able to think of anything else when I see her. I just want to ask Rosé, to get my answer so I can just figure out what I'm feeling because I'm not sure whether you can even feel anything about it. Technically, I shouldn't because I told Rosé that I didn't have any feelings for her and I know I was talking about romantic feelings but it was kind of implied that I couldn't get other feelings.
Like—this is just from the top of my brain, obviously—jealousy, for example. I can't get jealous because this thing between us is purely for sexual purposes, and there's no reason why I would get jealous because she's not mine. She's not my girlfriend and I don't want her to be.
(I think.)
(No, scratch that, I know.)
(Nope, go back. I think.)
Anyway, I don't know whether I can even feel anything about it and so instead of dwelling around for days and days and wondering whether I should just ask her, the next time I go into work, I wait through the shift until it's just us two closing up and left in the building, and then I bite the bullet. It's probably not the smoothest of ways to ask it, because I'm standing beside a table, wiping a wet rag over it and Rosé and I aren't actually talking about anything apart from a few strange customers that I had on my shift, but I just come out with it anyone.
"So are you sleeping with anyone else?"
Yeah, okay, definitely not the smoothest of ways to get into the conversation, but I couldn't think of anything else, okay?
Rosé lifts her head, glancing at me from across the counter where she's cleaning the cappuccino machine. "What?"
I clear my throat, drop the rag and straighten up before heading to the counter. I give her a small shrug when I get there, and I try not to show that I'm actually pretty fucking nervous about what I'm asking but I don't think it works, if the small smirk on her lips is anything to go by.
"I was just... I was just asking if you were sleeping with anyone else," I repeat, my eyes darting around the counter in front of me. When she doesn't answer immediately, panic begins setting in and fear grips my chest because now I'm not sure if I'm allowed to ask that. So with the rush of emotions pouring through me, I just find myself blurting out something before I can even stop. "I'm not—I mean, I haven't—but I could've done, but I didn't know if I could or if we could get with anyone else. You can if you want, if you have then that's fine, too, but I was just wondering because we need to make sure we're safe if it's just random hook-ups."
I finally finish my nervous rambling and breathe out when Rosé reaches over the counter and sets a hand down on top of mine, urging my eyes up.
"Are you finished?" She asks through a grin and I suck in my lips and nod sheepishly. "Okay, well first, I haven't slept with anyone else," she reassures and my chest loosens. "Second, if you want to sleep with someone else you can but like you said, we need to be safe," I nod along to her words. "And thirdly," she starts but then pauses and I begin panicking again, heat spreading over my face and spiking my skin. "Why did you ask?"
Well, shit. I wasn't expecting that.
"Protection," is the first word that comes to mind and I almost roll my eyes at myself because Rosé jerks back, her eyebrows knitting together. "Just to make sure we're both... safe." I pause and wet my lips, trying to read Rosé's expression because I'm not sure if she's going to buy it. And when she stays silent for even longer, and I still can't figure out what's going on inside her head, I find myself trying to divert the conversation. "Which brings me to my next question, are you on contraception? 'Cause I mean... I know we did... stuff," I lower my voice and Rosé giggles at my sudden shyness. "Without a condom," I whisper like it's a stage secret. "So I just wanna make sure, you know, nothing's going to... happen. Even though I probably should've asked this before but I was a little preoccupied because I wasn't thinking with my..." I pause when I see Rosé staring at me with a smile. "... Brain," I finish, feigning a cough.
I think maybe I was rambling.
Without answering my questions first, Rosé rounds the counter and comes toward me, her hands lifting to frame the hinge of my jaw. "Honey, we're fine in that department," she mutters and I feel my chest fill with relief. "We've been fine the entire time," she elaborates and I nod at her, making her smile. She takes in a deep breath. "So is that everything?"
"Uh, yeah," I say, sorting through my mind. "I think."
She chuckles at me and scrunches nose before dropping her hands and heading back around to the counter. I watch her go, watch the way her hips sway with a dancers grace and how her ponytail moves, too. Somehow even walking she's amazing, and I'm not sure how that's possible but there she is, being amazing just by freaking living.
Though as those thoughts process, I realize that that wasn't everything, and find myself blurting out, "What are we doing then?"
Rosé pauses, cocks her head to the side. "We're closing up shop..."
"No," I shake my head, hyper-aware of how fast my heart's beating now. "I mean... with... us," I slowly get out, moving my hands to gesture between the both of us. "Like... we keep sleeping together." I pause to take a deep breath. "And you haven't slept with anyone else," I point to her. "And I haven't slept with anyone else," I point to myself. "And I'm just wondering if like... because you said I could sleep with someone else, and you're allowed to, obviously, if you want," I lift my shoulders and drop them, my palms turning up and sticking out as I do it. "It's not like you need my permission but I just—I don't know what we are."
Rosé's staring at me the entire time I speak, her eyes narrowing more and more and the crease in her brow getting deeper and deeper and I'm not really sure how what this means or why she's staring at me like this. It makes me a little nervous, especially when I see her walking back around the counter like she did only moments before and then tugs me by the arm until we're both sitting down at one of the tables I haven't cleaned yet, her hands near mine but not holding them.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" She asks, sucking in her lips.
I squint. "What do you mean?"
"We've kind of been avoiding it, Lisa," she replies with a hint of a smile, rolling her eyes. "So, I guess we're talking about it now."
I'm not sure what that means, but I nod anyway. "Okay. Let's talk."
"We're sleeping together," Rosé states. "But neither of us have feelings for each other and we're friends."
"Yeah," I breathe, ignoring that itch at the back of your mind that says no. "But like, friends don't do this," I continue, proving my point by grabbing her hand.
She stares at me, and as I rethink my words I realize that it could've sounded like I was suggesting a lot more than just friends, but before I can correct myself, or take back my words, Rosé speaks.
"Friends with benefits do."
I feel my hand pull back just the slightest bit, our fingers now resting barely a centimeter away from each other. I don't know why, but I really don't like that label. Not that it isn't like, every guy and girls dream to have someone I can have sex with, without any attachments, but I'm just not so sure I like that that's what I'm doing with Rosé. It makes the sex sound pointless, and I suppose it is but pointless apart from the obvious reason of both being pleasured, but I just thought it meant more than meaningless sex. That just sounds so... trashy.
"So that's what we are?" I ask, lifting my eyebrow. "We're friends with benefits?"
Rosé wets her lips and sits back in her chair, hands dropping from the table and landing on her lap. "Is that what you wanna be?"
I feel my insides turn at her question, my breath catching in my throat. I don't want to be the one to get the feelings because I was the one that rejected her first. I don't want to suddenly feel something for her and let her know if I ever did, if she's only going to turn the situation on its head and do the same thing as I did to her; and reject me.
"I mean... yeah, I guess," I reply with a shrug. "If that's cool with you then that's cool with me."
There's a lack of reaction for precisely three seconds before Rosé's face is splitting into a smile and she's nodding in agreement. "Great," she says and I wish I could read her mind right now. "Okay, well, now that's sorted, can we get back to work? I wanna go home."
I barely even move my head up and down before she's reaching over, patting my thigh and jumping up from her seat, returning to work.
Okay, so we two are friends with benefits. And because it means nothing, it means that I don't have to tell my friends because it's just like a hobby we two do together. I wouldn't tell Jisoo that I was going to tennis with Rosé so why should I tell her that I'm having sex with Rosé? Plus I know if I tell my friends then they're going to start asking me questions I don't know the answer to and it'll get complicated and friends with benefits isn't complicated.
It's simple and easy and all the benefits of dating someone but without the feelings.
And I can do that.
***
Barely fifteen minutes later and Rosé and I are cleaning over the last of the tables.
Though I can't stop catching the glances Rosé's throwing me, and after the seventh time it happens, I rest my palm down on the table, rag beneath it and lift both eyebrows up at her because I have no idea why she's staring at me. "Why do you keep staring at me?"
Rosé giggles, bites her lips and looks over both shoulders—as if she's seeing if anyone's there despite it only being us two in here—before she glances back at me with dark, brown eyes. And oh shit, I know what that means. I gulp and straighten up, squeezing my thighs together as if that'll stop me from getting a semi. It won't.
"Have you ever had sex at work?" She asks, lowering her chin to her chest and looking coyly up at me through her lashes.
And yep, there it is. I knew it was that look. "Uh... no," I reply and Rosé's smirk grows as she discards the rag and comes on over to me.
She grabs my hand and tugs me closer, our bodies pressing together. "You wanna?" She quirks, her voice dipping seductively as she lowers her face to mine.
I just do the only thing I can do and nod before she drags me into the back room.