I didn't realize I had fallen asleep on one of the pews until I woke up several hours later, a crick in my neck and my cheeks sticky with the reminisce of my tears. Slowly, I sat up, my back protesting at the new movement. But I loosened up with a good stretch.
Leaning forward, I folded my hands together, resting my elbows on my knees, and stared up at the cross. The sun had shifted and the room was even darker than before, so the red light was no longer streaked across the wood. But in my mind, it was still there.
I wasn't sure if it was the sleep or my emotional release or my new decision to completely change my belief system that left me feeling so much more calm than before. Maybe it was a combination of all of the above.
I knew one thing; now that I'd given my life over to Jesus, there was no going back. If he was going to give me some strength to figure things out, I needed to at least try to use what he was giving me... right? Rubbing a hand over my face, I hoped that I was doing this right.
This would be a lot easier if I had Sav with me, directing me in how to do all this... spiritual stuff. She was a Christian and had been all her life. She knew what she was doing. But that was currently not in the cards.
I'd just have to wing it until I figured out what I was doing.
My stomach grumbled and my tongue felt like sandpaper against the roof of my mouth. Both food and water would be a good next step. At least I knew how to eat and drink. After that, I had no idea what I'd do, but fixing the physical problems first would be the easiest thing to do.
Standing very slowly, I made my way out of the chapel.
I gradually made my way back toward the waiting room. With each step I took, the more that the fear tried to seep back into my bones. But that calm was still there and so I tried to focus on that. I wouldn't get overwhelmed again. Though I was still terrified, I couldn't let myself go numb again. Feeling nothing at all had almost been more horrifying than anything I'd experienced before.
The elevator opened and I turned to my left, toward the ER waiting room. I wasn't sure where my parents were, but Miranda, Rico, and Kaybree all sat together against one wall.
Miranda looked up when I stepped closer. "Oh, Kason. There you are."
She sprung up, Rico following her. She pulled me into a hug, one I barely had time to reciprocate before she pulled away again. "We couldn't find you anywhere. We were getting concerned."
"Uh, yeah, sorry." I pulled out my phone and realized I'd been gone for over four hours. "Wow, I didn't even realize. I accidentally fell asleep."
She gave me a small, comforting smile. "Well at least you're getting some rest."
"Has there been any news while I was gone?" I asked, that fear trying to spike again, thinking I might have missed something important while I was away.
Rico nodded. "They came out and told us that she was stabilized but... things are still on shaky ground."
I released a breath. I wasn't sure if this relieved me or made it harder to keep the fear at bay. Either way, I needed to stay awake, in the moment and not miss another update like that.
Glancing over Miranda's shoulder, I saw Kaybree with her legs pulled up into the chair, her eyes staring vacantly at nothing. I swallowed. "How's Kaybree... How's she holding up?"
Miranda's face fell as she shook her head slightly. "She hasn't talked or cried or anything since you left. She's refusing to eat and drink and..." She met my eyes, hers filled with turbulence. "I'm really concerned about her. She really needs her brother right now."
I clenched my jaw, staring at Kaybree's thin form. She looked just as small and fragile as all those months ago when she'd been nearly at her worst. Miranda was right. But I still hesitated. I was scared she wouldn't even respond to me anymore. Trust me anymore. I was scared I'd ruined things with her, too.
Miranda's hand on my arm pulled my gaze back to her. "I know that things are rocky right now. But she needs you now more than ever. No one but you can help her through this."
Licking my lips, I nodded. She was right. I needed to get over my own fear and pride and just help my sister.
Tentatively, I walked around Miranda and Rico and deeper into the waiting room. Quickly, not knowing what else to do, I sent up a quiet prayer. Please don't let everything be lost between us.
I sat down in the seat next to Kaybree, but her gaze never wavered. She didn't even seem to notice my presence.
Gently, I reached over and grabbed her hand. "Hey, Bree."
She just blinked.
I let out a slow sigh. "Ah, so you're numb too."
This seemed to make it to her ears and she blinked a few more times and then turned her gaze down to where I was holding her hand.
I took this as a good sign and laced our fingers together, saying, "I'm sorry for how I reacted earlier. I really am. I shouldn't have blown up. I was just overwhelmed. But that's no excuse. You were hurting and I just made it worse. And I'm sorry."
Her eyes flicked up and met mine.
I smiled softly. "I'm here, Bree. Nothing is going to change that. I will always be here no matter what you've done, what I've done, what anyone has done to you. I will be here even if things get worse from here. Always you and me, okay?"
It seemed to take her a minute to process this but then, with the little strength she had, she squeezed my hand and nodded barely perceptibly. Then she leaned across the armrest of the chair and rested her head against my shoulder. I rested my chin on top of her hair.
"I love you," I told her. I waited, hoping this would produce some sort of response.
I couldn't help the relieved breath that escaped my mouth when she replied, "Love you, too."
We sat like this for a long while, encased in complete silence. There was nothing else I needed to say and there wasn't anything else she could say. So we just sat together, comforting each other as we both felt the fear of losing Abby. The fear of losing our flower.
After nearly fifteen minutes of silence, Kaybree turned her head in toward my chest and, so abruptly, her shoulders were trembling and I felt tears soaking into my shirt.
I reached up and stroked her hair gently, pulling her closer to me. As I wrapped her in my arms, I didn't say anything. Just held her and did my best to help her in the moment. I wasn't going to say that everything was going to be okay, because I couldn't lie to her. I didn't know if everything would be okay. But I prayed that with the strength of God, things would be.
°•°•°•°•°
A strange sense of deja vu settled on me that night, at nearly midnight. I'd been here before at this time before, waiting for the same thing; for someone to tell me Abby was getting better.
This time, though, things were a little different. I, at least, had Kaybree in perfect physical health leaning against my shoulder as she slept. And I still had Miranda, and Rico hadn't left yet.
If only I still had Sav.
I shook my head slightly, clearing that thought away. I'd thought of her more times than I could count today, as per usual. There were probably more thoughts that ran through my head about her than that weren't about her. Though, currently, Abby seemed to occupy a great deal many of those thoughts as well.
With a heavy sigh, I glanced over ar Rico who sat against the row of seats that ran perpendicular to the line I was sitting in. A smile pulled to my face to see that we were in very similar situations, though the girl sleeping against his shoulder wasn't his sister.
"I don't know where I'd be without her," I muttered, breaking the silence.
Rico, who seemed barely awake, blinked and pulled his head away from the wall where it had been resting. His eyebrows pulled together in confusion for a moment but when I nodded at Miranda, he looked down at her, understanding.
Rico's lips twitched at the corner, almost producing a smile but not quite. "She's pretty great, isn't she?"
"Yeah."
Quietness settled between us for a moment before my tired brain decided to take the risk of saying, "You better not mess things up with her."
He didn't pull his eyes away from her, like he was mesmerized. Seemingly without thinking, he reached up and brushed his fingertips against her cheek. "I hope I don't."
I cracked a grin. "So you're really going to try?"
He shook his head. "Try?"
"You're going to tell her how you feel? Really make it official?"
His breathing was heavy for a moment before he asked, "Do you think I should? Do you really think she likes me as much as I like her? Because I don't want to make her uncomfortable..."
I snorted. "Do you think she'd be leaning on you like that if she didn't?"
He gave me a look. "Your sister is doing the same thing."
"Technicalities."
He let out a breathy chuckle. I waited patiently for him to answer, letting him think as he continued to gaze at her peaceful expression. Though I could only see his profile, I'd never seen Rico like this before; his expression held a tenderness, a vulnerability that only Miranda could pull out of him. That was just what she did and Rico needed someone like her. He needed someone kind and honest and open, who would pull out his true, raw feelings that he always tried to hide behind jokes and a goofy smile.
Finally, in a whisper so quiet I barely heard it, he said with a nod, "Yeah. Yeah, I think I'll try."
This warmed my heart slightly. "Good."
He grinned from ear to ear for a long moment before his gaze shifted up to mine. "So what about you and Sav? Are you going to try? Because it's pretty obvious to me that you're desperately in love with her."
The warmth that had laced my chest moments ago faded into a cold ache. "First of all, I'm not in love with her. I haven't known her long enough for that..." I sighed. "Second, things aren't exactly in the best position for 'trying' for anything right now. I'm good enough to regain her as my friend, let alone something more. And I hate myself every day for jeopardizing that."
"Hm..." The teasing glint in his eye dissipated as he comprehended the heaviness of the situation. Seemed he was choosing to be quite mature today. I couldn't help wondering if that was something else Miranda could help him with, too. "When was the last time you talked to her?"
I thought about it, having to calculate. "Definitely over a week ago. I don't even know at this point. Too long..."
"You two were nearly inseparable for so long. I'm sure things will settle and work out. She'll come back around eventually."
"I really hope so, Rico, but right now, it's hard to hope." Especially because now I was different.
A thought struck me nearly to the bone. I wondered if maybe I'd accepted Jesus earlier if things wouldn't be so rocky between us right now. If maybe we could have settled things and if we'd be closer than ever. She'd been right when saying that Jesus changed everything. Too bad I couldn't have let him change everything sooner.
And with this thought came another, one I slowly formulated into words. "Rico, could I tell you something? You know, as my best friend?"
"Oh, so I've regained my title?" he teased.
I shook my head, trying and failing to hide my smile. "You never lost it. Just because Sav was my best friend, didn't mean you weren't. You were both best friends to me. Just in different ways."
"Alright, alright, enough of the sappy stuff. Get on with it."
I chuckled, though I tried to keep it quiet so I wouldn't wake Kaybree. Rico was smirking as I slowly remembered what I was going to say.
With a deep, relaxing breath, I let it out. "I found the hospital chapel earlier. And something's changed."
His face fell, though he mostly looked curious. And maybe slightly cautious. "Something? What?"
"Me..." I mumbled, trying to figure out how I was saying this. "I... I, uh, read this prayer book and saw this cross... And it all reminded me of what Sav had been telling me about, about how Jesus was real and there to take my burdens and give me strength... I don't know, man, in the moment, and still, it just all makes sense to me. Something changed and now I can't go back. Do you get what I'm saying?"
Slowly, like it took him some effort, he nodded. "Yeah, I guess. So, what? You're like... a Christian now?"
"I... I guess I am, yeah."
I wasn't sure how he would take this. But he surprised me by abruptly saying, "Okay, that's some pretty freaky timing."
A small nervous laugh slipped out before I could stop it. "What do you mean?"
His eyes glanced back down at Miranda. "Let's just say a certain someone told me that Jesus changes people and that maybe he could change people in my life too."
I laughed, breathlessly. "Well, God does work in mysterious ways."
A/N SURPRISE!! So as I said a while back, the closer I get to finishing Golden Rain, the more I'll update so this is a middle of the week update for you! I hope you liked it :D What are your thoughts? It was kind of a chill chapter, but I'm glad that Kaybree and Kason were able to make up after their tense conversation. And anyone else kinda fangirling out about how cute Miranda and Rico are? (#MiricoForLife! XDD) I'd love to hear all your wonderful, beautiful, terrific, cool, awesome, amazing thoughts here!! ----->
(P.S. Hm. That was a pretty chill a/n XD I guess I need to step up my weirdness game hehehe I ACCEPT THE CHALLENGE!! >:))