"What about her?" I propose, standing next to James—but not too close that I might accidentally touch him—, watching some random girl walking down the hall towards the cafeteria.
"I've never seen her before," he mumbles, barely moving the lips. He has the headphones on but he still speaks lowly so people won't pay attention to him.
"That's the point. You probably won't see her again so it doesn't matter if you sound crazy for just asking her about the ghost stories and so," I reason but I can see the reluctance in his face and I feel both sympathetic and amused at the sight.
We've been at this, trying to find someone to talk to so he can finally ask what we want to know, for like fifteen minutes to no avail. He always finds an excuse to stay away and that is proof he really isn't a people person. His anxiety is evident when people are around and when he knows he is supposed to interact. All his determination went away when we saw the first person. I should probably tell him it's okay, he doesn't need to do all this, but I can't help myself, I'm actually having fun seeing him like this.
I know he ignores everyone because that way he doesn't risk replying to a ghost—what he did with me but that's just because I annoyed him—but without that knowledge he just comes off as a rude person when in reality he's just awkward. I think that knowing that makes me like him better.
"James?" someone asks, catching me completely off guard so I scream and jump, turning around raising my arms in a defence posture, ready to go all karate kid on whomever approached us. James reacts pretty similar, minus the whole scream and karate pose, but he is equally surprised.
When we turn around I realise it is Roxy the one that spoke and she is watching James with a confused expression. I get why she could be confused, considering he was hiding behind the corner, watching creepily the other students walk by. But even if she saw James hiding a body she shouldn't approach and just keep walking, especially when she's alone. It makes me angry that she is here, looking at a nervous James that was caught off guard and hasn't pulled himself together yet. I want to push her so she can give him space, and if in the way I manage to make her turn around and leave James alone, even better.
"What are you doing?" she asks instead and I feel about to snarl and show her my teeth like an angry dog.
James should pull one of his moves and just ignore her. Stand straight, shrug and walk away. But he doesn't and I'm too focused on glaring at Roxy to see what his face looks like.
"Looking for something," he replies instead and my eyes widen because he is talking to her.
Before I turn to look at him I can see Roxy practically beaming because James's talked to her and that makes me so angry, but I still turn to stare at him with my most bewildered expression. His is cold, though, tense and a bit angry. Almost like when he yelled at me and was that cruel and that is somehow relieving. I have to admit I don't want Roxy to see James' smiles or more approachable aura.
"Can I help you instead? I'm free right now," she offers and I clench my fists.
"No," I reply for him, stomping my foot to give emphasis. James' eyes dart to me for the briefest second before watching Roxy again.
Is it wrong that I want to stand between them and block his view? Even if I'm shorter than her and it would be useless? I just want her away, very far away from us right now. I've always disliked her but right now she's annoying me and I don't even want her near to mock her or something like I've done before.
"Maybe," replies James instead and I feel like someone punched me in the guts.
"What?" I say at the same time she says "Really?"
I swear I would make a scene and start asking James what's wrong with him if it weren't because I don't want him to look like a mad person in front of her or anyone else. I don't want him to look at me or even say something when there's someone else around. But I want to, so badly!
"About what happened today in Art History," he begins and I feel personally offended that he is actually asking her about it after what we talked in the library. It doesn't matter that his expression is cold and kind of disgusted right now. "I've noticed people talking about her. Who is she?"
"Oh," Roxy mutters and I can feel her disappointment. What? Was she hoping for something else? "I guess even you would get curious. To be honest, I don't believe the rumours 'cos they're silly, but who am I to judge?"
"Ha!" I snort when she says that and I roll my eyes. James, on the other hand, does not even make a reaction.
"But people say there's a ghost haunting college. Can you believe it?" she laughs and I just fold my arms.
"Yeah, totally. I'm standing right here. Hello, let me introduce myself, I'm Paige the ghost!" I practically shout but she can't hear me.
I don't even know why I'm so annoyed. I can't even stand still and I just want to grab James' wrist and drag him away from her and this stupid plan. We can manage without talking to her or any other living person. Maybe we should go to a medium or someone of the like.
"Weird things happen, like today in the class, but I'm not sure that means it's a ghost." I laugh again because I'm sure she believes it, she's just trying to sound cool in front of James right now. I've heard her making reference to me so this is just blunt lies.
"And what's the story behind the ghost rumour?" he asks instead of agreeing with her. I watch her and I can see her confused expression. Roxy clearly didn't expect James to ask that, she was hoping he'd agree and laugh along.
"I'm not so sure. Some girl that died in college. You know how rumours are, changing all the time so you can't really know," answers Roxy, shrugging to make it look less important. "To be honest I've heard so many versions I don't even know which one is the original. All agree on one thing, though; that it's a girl."
"You didn't know her?" he asks in a voice as confused as I feel because as I listen to her my anger and annoyance start to fade and a cold feeling sinks it. Dread and fear, I recognise. She is talking about me but she makes it sound as if she never knew me. As if I were a distant rumour she never paid attention to.
Was I really that insignificant to her that she can't even know the ghost is me?
"Me? Of course no," Roxy laughs. "It's just my first year here and I can't see ghosts, so I haven't met her... if she is even real," she adds like an afterthought, as if just now she remembers she's playing cool by not believing in ghost stories.
"So she didn't die recently?" James' voice still sounds confused, as much as I'm feeling.
I start stepping back, away from Roxy and her now confused expression, like she can't understand why James could possibly ask her that when the answer is obvious. I don't know why I'm feeling so scared and cold as I watch her and why I have such a bad feeling in my guts. I'm trembling as I wait for what she might say.
"No. That rumour is basically a urban legend. I don't know how long, but she died long ago. I think it was a huge deal back then but today unless something weird happens, no one remembers her. I don't even know who she was," Roxy says, shrugging just to make it even more clear how insignificant this is for her but her words have the opposite effect on me.
I feel like even the ground under my feet is shaking and I can't see properly, everything is blurry and I feel sick to my stomach. I don't even know how is that I can feel like that but I think I could throw up right now. my ears are ringing and I can't even hear what she is saying now or if she's speaking. It's a high pitched sound in my ears, like the type you hear after a loud explosion or noise, one that makes your head hurt and your teeth clench. It gets louder and louder and I can't hear anything else.
I keep taking another and another step away from James and Roxy, completely shaking as my head tries to process what I just heard and what it means.
Long ago. So long ago that no one remembers my name. Longer than what Roxy has been here. I died long ago.
I gag because I feel nauseous. I know I can't throw up and I won't, but it's like an automatic reaction from my body because I can't cope with this piece of information. So I cover my mouth with my hands, muffling the sounds I make and then turn on my heels and run away. Outside from the building and where there's fresh air that won't make a difference but that at least will give me open space. I run even if I can barely stay on my feet, I tumble and trip many times, but I stand up again and keep running.
I'm so distracted, with my mind everywhere that I can't focus on anything else so I end up running into someone. Or better said, running through someone.
The first time it happened I learnt that I could never let this happen again for two reasons. One, it is a reminder I'm noting but incorporeal substance, that I don't even have a real body. And two, it's the most agonising pain I've ever felt. It's burning cold, consuming me, freezing me and killing me all over again. I don't even know what the other person might feel because I can only feel my pain.
I scream.
I burn alive.
I fall down and break into pieces.
I'm pulled back together just to keep screaming.
I cry for mercy and to stop, but it doesn't.
It's like every piece of me is torn apart and pulled in every direction, leaving me open and exposed, hurting and crying out. I can't even move, I can only cry out in pain but no one can hear me. The world around isn't even black, it's red and yellow, like flames but it isn't hot, it's ice cold. So cold it burns. And it seems the seconds drag forever and the pain will never stop. I don't even feel whole. I don't feel here at all. I am nothing but pain and ashes right now and my screams won't lessen it.
How can someone who's dead be in such pain? Why can't I pass out so it'll stop? Why did I let this happen?
I can't stop screaming, hoping someone can hear my cries for help and do something but no one does. I'm dead and I'm dying again. And again. And again.
"H-help... someone..." I cry, my voice shaky.
I think I'm on the floor but I can't be sure, I'm not conscious of my own body, but I think I'm crawling as more cries of pain escape me. I feel like the pieces of me are being pulled together again, but too slowly and it still hurts, but I'm getting back to be one thing.
Why did I run away? I should've calmed myself down before doing that. I should've been careful. For so long... I've been careful for so long so this would never happen again.
Long... I died long ago. I've been a ghost for a long time. How long? What is of my body now? What's of my remains? Is there anything left? What happened to my body?
I scream once again, louder and in more agony. I just want it to stop, to stop forever. The pain, the loneliness, the aching in my chest. I want everything to stop once and for all.
But then the burning pain stops when I'm collected and wrapped. All the pieces pulled together once and for all, although it doesn't feel like pieces but more like dust. Like ashes collected and piled together. I don't feel dispersed anymore and that helps me collect my mind as well, and to focus. I focus on myself and my body... or whatever that I have.
I slowly start to feel my limbs again and I'm aware of myself and my surroundings. I can see again although it isn't very clear. I also start feeling warm, the cold that burnt me before slowly disappears and I can stop shaking.
I finally take a deep breath, still shaky and a bit achy, but better now. I look up and find James' face, practically pressed against mine and his is constricted in horrid pain, tears slowly falling down and laboured breathing. My eyes widen in horror at the sight when I realise he is the one holding me tight, pulling me together... and suffering the consequences.
"James," I breathe out, struggling to get away from him even if I'm weak and I can't really control my body. I need to get away from him, to stop this; but he doesn't let me. He stays crouched down, holding me in his arms, pressing his forehead against mine and biting his lips tightly to bear the pain. "James, let go of me," I beg and he shakes his head ever so slightly.
"It's okay... I've got yah."
~·~
I am very sorry! Charlotte (my wife) yelled at me so much when she read it TToTT it just... happened.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE! There's book trailer for Unseen! Isn't it cool? Thanks to @cliffordyey for it, so dedication for you!
Bel, xx
NU: Monday
PS: if you submit fan art to my tumblr, remember to leave your username so I can share it over here (if that's your aim).
PPS: I have a new project! It's a fan fiction of Orange Marmalade (my new favourite K-drama!) and it's on DramaFever (a website) so if you look for it and check it out, I'd love you forever. It's a vampire story ;) And it's called Orange Marmalade: Look At Me (link on external link). Show your support, please!