I woke up, and pulled my teddies closer. I didn't need to think yet; Mommy would come to check on me soon enough. When I woke up a little bit more, I sat up in bed and made the toys have a little conversation with each other. Mr Muggins asked me if I was enjoying my holiday, and talked down to me like I was a little baby who needed help with everything.
I didn't really need that kind of coddling. I could have been thinking like an adult if I wanted to; nobody had said any of the hypnosis things since the night before. But I felt okay just playing along, still letting myself act like a baby. And on some level deep inside, I think I knew that I was scared. I was pretending to be little because I didn't want to face the things that I needed to address. All my worries about what Hugo might be thinking now, and what I could have put him through. And how I was supposed to feel about Lindy. She'd pretty much apologised for doing this to me. And she had tried to make things better by telling Hugo that it was all her fault. It was only because I was a freak that her attempts to help had only made things worse.
I couldn't even be sure what I really wanted to say to Hugo, but now I knew that I had to tell him something. And while I couldn't, the only way I could find to stop it eating me up was if I was a silly little baby who was too dumb to think about any of those things.
I tried to imagine being a complete baby. I imagined Mum saying those magic words again, and after a little struggling against my instincts, I managed to wet my diaper. That made me feel smaller again, so that I could keep my mind off all the calls I couldn't make and messages I couldn't send. So I could just feel like a child, with no need to worry.
It wasn't long before Mum and Lindy came to check on me. Mum changed my diaper, while I pushed myself to keep on thinking like a child. I knew that there were things that I needed to deal with, and that I should try to persuade her to release me, but I had no idea what I could say in this situation. And the whole problem was so scary that I didn't want to let myself think about it. I knew that I couldn't keep this up forever, but I just couldn't bring myself to actually sort it out now. So much easier to be the baby that they wanted to see.
There was something planned this afternoon. I heard Mum talking about it, but I was barely paying attention. I didn't listen, and I didn't know where we would be going. I didn't really care by that point. But I knew that Mum was going out again this morning, and Lindy was watching me for a couple of minutes this morning. I didn't try to talk to her today. I figured that she already understood. As well as she was going to, at least. I sat on the floor in the lounge and played with the few toys I had here, and let myself pretend to laugh a little, even when I couldn't keep myself in that childish mindset.
"Are you okay, baby?" she asked, and I just nodded. I knew this wasn't forever, and all I could do now was try to get through it.
"I just... I kept on pushing harder, because I didn't feel like I'd won. I didn't want to hurt you, you have to believe me."
"I know," I whimpered.
"Look... What's with the baby playing? I mean... even if Mum's still punishing you, I'm not going to be mean about it. We can talk about fun stuff, right?"
"Yeah, I guess," I nodded. "I'm just trying not to think... about what Hugo's thinking, or what he thinks about me. I can't do anything about it, and I don't even know..."
"I told you, didn't I? After I've been so mean, I don't want to cause real problems for you. I let him know that all the baby stuff was just me picking on you. You don't have to worry about that."
"It's more complicated than that," I muttered. "There was some stuff I told him. And some stuff he told me. Like we were really opening up. And then... if he thinks I wasn't being genuine there, it'll be tearing him up. And I don't know if he'll be able to trust me again."
"I'm sorry," she said, and came closer to hug me. I guessed that this time, Lindy really did want me to feel better. She just couldn't do that without admitting what she had done. And of course she couldn't come clean to Mum now. "But it was only the baby stuff. If you got like... some confession of your feelings? He'll know that's still real."
I was crying by that point, thinking about all the things that I couldn't properly deal with. I wanted to tell her, but I didn't know if I could. But maybe, if Lindy would help me... could she let Hugo know that I still wanted to talk to him? Could she let him know that we'd talk properly when I got back, and that I wasn't judging him for any of the things he had admitted?
"I... can you keep a secret? Promise you'll never..."
"I promise," she said. "I mean... I might have done mean things before. But when I think about how I'd feel if it was me... I'm not going to laugh at you for having a crush."
Was that enough? I didn't know. But when I looked at my little sister and she held me like that, I felt that I had to trust somebody. I couldn't just keep trying to forget about Hugo, and those messages.
"I told him that I was being punished," I said. "Before we came here. I said about... being treated like a baby. And he kind of made an excuse to evacuate the conversation."
"That's not your fault," she said. "If he thinks any less of you because of something you didn't have a choice in, then he's just a–"
"No, that's not it. I talked to him later. He admitted that he was fantasising about me like... dressed up like this, or something. Being my babysitter." That wasn't quite true, but it was the closest I could get without recounting the whole conversation. I took a deep breath, and continued: "And I confessed... something I haven't been able to say. That when I was punished like that, there were parts I enjoyed."
"Like Kyrie?" she asked; and the only emotion I could read in her voice was surprise. Not shock; just like this was something she hadn't expected.
"Who?" I answered.
"Never mind. Just... a story I read There's some bits you were okay with?"
"Yeah," I said, but I didn't want her to know that really. That wasn't part of the story I wanted to share. "Just like... being the centre of attention, I guess. Or... Anyway! I told him that, and thought maybe if we could find some way to organise it, I'd be happy to have him as a babysitter."
We sat in silence for what felt like eternity. It was probably a minute, or maybe two. I'd said something that Lindy didn't expect at all, and now she was deep in thought.
"And now I told him that the baby stuff was all me pretending to be you," she said eventually. "So he'll think he's revealed these weird... fantasies? To somebody who isn't okay with it. Damn, I'm sorry, Sally. I never meant to... Okay, I'll call him. Okay? I'll tell him that I feel bad about messing with your phone, but that you still want to talk properly about all the stuff you talked about before. And that everything he's said, you're really–"
She stopped suddenly, and it took me a moment to realise that the creaking sound in the background must be Mum's steps on the deck outside. If she heard us talking about this, she would know that Lindy had done something. And I could tell that my sister was babying me now just to make sure she didn't have to face that kind of punishment. That was something I could understand.
"You're crying again," she said. "I'm sorry, Sally, but I can't get busted now. I need..."
"What?"
"Cry for Mommy. Just think like a baby, okay?"
I could have thought that it was cruel and selfish to do something like that to keep Mum from finding out about her lies. I could have been angry about the lack of choice she gave me. But as it happened, I was just glad that I could slip back into thinking like a little kid as my sobbing turned into a toddler's irrational wail, and I didn't need to worry anymore.