Kaybree. My parents. Miranda. Rico. They all ended up showing up at one point. I wasn't sure how they figured out what was going on since I'd never gathered enough strength to tell the nurse who to call, but they were here.
But it didn't feel like they were here. It was like I'd stayed outside in the cold too long; I was completely emotionally numb. Kaybree was in a similar state, though she cried intermittently. Luckily, Miranda was able to calm her down enough every time she burst out. My parents were obviously upset, but how much so, I wasn't sure. At this point, I didn't really care enough to try and figure it out.
I stared at the wall across from where I sat, unblinking. Unmoving. Close to not breathing. My mind was in a haze. I didn't feel anything. I couldn't. It was like my emotions were broken.
There went long minutes that spanned into hours where none of us said a word. We barely moved. We barely did anything. Not that I would notice if someone else did.
There also weren't very many thoughts that found their way to my head. Many of them were just Abby's name. But every once in a while, I wondered how I'd be feeling with Sav here.
I needed her so badly right now. I was so lost and so broken and I felt like I was suffocating. Where was she? Where was my best friend?
But there was no way I was reaching out to her. I doubted I even physically... mentally could if I tried.
At some point, a few of the others stirred. Miranda and Rico disappeared for a while. My parents disappeared for a while. Only Kaybree and I remained here permanently, unable to do anything without a report or any information.
When Miranda got back from wherever her and Rico had gone, she crouched down in front of me, trying to draw my gaze as she comfortingly rested a hand on my knee. "Kason."
I couldn't look at her. It was too hard.
"Kason."
I couldn't.
She let out a weary sigh. "I know all this is overwhelming but please let us help you with this. I know you probably don't think anything can help. But please, I promise we're here with you and you don't have to take this burden alone."
Suddenly, Rico was right next to her, bedding down to look at me. "She's right. Just because things are hard, doesn't mean we're gonna leave. No matter how much you've been blowing me off lately, I'm still your friend."
There was a thud and an "ow" so I assumed Miranda smacked him or something. But that couldn't pull a smile to my face or even shift my gaze toward them.
Miranda squeezed my knee. "I'm so sorry this is happening, Kason. I really am..."
Still, I didn't respond.
Rico whispered something to her before they both stood slowly. Miranda lingered in front of me before the two of them went to try to talk to Kaybree.
When I was alone again, I closed my eyes. The fluorescent lighting of the hospital made the insides of my eyelids glow red, so I couldn't even find darkness, a sense of peace, there.
Suddenly, the overwhelming feeling to run away hit me like a freight train. My once slow breathing picked up pace and I felt panic rise in my throat.
I sat up. "I can't do this," I breathed.
Miranda and Rico looked over, Miranda quickly to her feet.
"I..." I felt like I couldn't breathe.
"Kason," Miranda said, finding her spot in front of me again. "Kason, take deep breaths. We're here. Just try to calm down."
I squeezed my eyes shut and shook my head. "No... I can't..."
People were all so close. The walls were closing in. I needed space. I needed quiet. I needed to get away from everything, everyone.
I needed Sav.
Miranda tried to comfort me by rubbing my arm, but I rushed out of my seat away from her. Knowing there was one place in this hospital that always seemed to make things a bit more bearable, I made my way to the elevator.
"Kason," Miranda called after me. But I kept going. She didn't follow and neither did Rico. Good.
My feet knew the way even after these few months. Up. Down the hall. To the right at the end. There.
Tentatively, I stepped into the room, only lit by the slight light coming into the floor-to-ceiling windows on the left wall. Heavy clouds had rolled in and so despite the vastness of those windows, the room was left mostly dark.
Standing in front of the lounge hall's windows, I stared out at the city beyond. It was the same view I'd memorized two months ago when both Kaybree and Abigail were locked up here, on the verge of giving up on life. Now, despite having Kaybree being physically better, things felt so much worse. Abigail was still struggling to keep breath in her lungs. I'd blown up at Kaybree and wasn't sure if our relationship would ever be the same again. And I'd most likely lost the girl who had brought me a Pepsi and a sandwich, just out of the kindness of her heart.
I stepped forward and rested my head against the cool glass pane. My eyes fluttered closed as I tried to enjoy the darkness, the quietness, the slight peace that I'd found what felt like so long ago.
It didn't come. I didn't feel any better or different. That wasn't true. I did feel different. Because the numbness was thawing into anger. Burning hot anger that was fueled by brokenness and desperation.
Just like the day before, I had to scream. I let it out without even meaning to, though I hoped it would help as an emotional release. But when it was over, I somehow felt worse. Because screaming did nothing to change the situation. It just made me look like a fool.
Yet I did it again as tears gathered in my eyes and I banged my hands against the windows.
I stopped when my throat felt like it was being ripped out of my body. Though the cough had left, my throat had only gotten worse over the night and I was sure all the excessive exclamations didn't help the situation.
Resting my forehead against the glass once more, I just stood there and let the few tears I'd shed drip from my chin. The cold numbness was trying to return and I wasn't sure if I preferred the fits of overwhelming anger and sadness or absolutely nothing at all. Both ripped apart what little will to keep going I had left.
I wanted so badly to give up. To hide away and never return to the real world. But I knew I couldn't and that that thought was completely irrational. But it sounded like such an easy escape...
I stood like this for a long time, possibly minutes or hours, I wasn't sure. My body felt heavy, so heavy that I didn't want to even stand anymore. But I was too spent to even sit down. I hated everything about myself right now.
A slow thought, one that hadn't fully formed but had been dwelling at the back of my mind for a while, developed in my head. Abigail is going to die.
All the hope I had remaining was sucked away.
She'd only been in my life for two months, yet imagining life without her didn't feel like life at all.
How could I keep going about mundane daily routines if she died?
How could I pretend she never happened, that I'd never been a dad, honorary or otherwise?
How could I watch them bury her?
I might have puked if I had the energy left to do so.
A loud thud made me rouse from my horrifying daze. I slowly looked up and over my shoulder, wondering why I even cared to see what it was, but for some reason, something told me to look.
The sound was of a door closing in the corner of the lounge room that I'd never noticed before. A janitor came out, pushing a bulky cart full of brooms, mops, and other cleaning supplies. He noticed me and nodded politely before he headed toward the main door of the lounge room, whistling a random tune.
He was gone as fast as he'd come, yet the small moment kept me out of the fog inside my brain. The mysterious door he'd walked out of sat curiously in the corner, drawing my attention.
I told myself it was nothing, probably just a closet. But no matter how many times I repeated this to myself, something inside me pulled, drawing me toward whatever was behind it. It was none of my business, and I honestly wasn't sure I had much energy to go on random explorations today.
But still, the feeling remained, urging me forward.
I sighed. I suppose I didn't have anything else better to do. If anything, I'd find a closet to hide away in. Maybe it could help me find that peace I was desperately lacking. I doubted it, but still, I pushed myself off the window and dragged my heavy body toward the other side of the hall.
My hands were trembling from exhaustion—and possibly hunger since I hadn't eaten much today—when I reached out to the handle of the door. It was old and the metal was faded from years of hands eroding the outer coat. With as much strength I could muster, I pushed the door inward.
There wasn't a closet beyond, but a room. It was dimly lit and empty of occupants. Stepping in, I gazed around slowly, my mind trying to take in everything around me and decipher what it was I was stepping into.
Three old hazy stained glass windows stood soberly against the back wall and six rows of wooden pews lined the spaces to my left and right. Trampled maroon carpet with a few rips in places covered the floors, all the way up to a small stage-like platform that had nothing but one object standing on it. That one object was a simple, worn wooden cross.
My mind finally finished playing catch up. I was in the hospital chapel.
Tentatively, I walked down the aisle as if the object on stage pulled me with an imaginary force. Through one of the stained glass windows, a pocket of sun seeped in around the clouds and cast a red streak across the horizontal wooden plank of the cross.
Without realizing, I made it to where the floor raised up at the front of the room and I paused, staring at what was before me. My brain was churning but no thoughts were coming out. Everything was in slow motion.
With a heavy breath, I blinked and looked down. At the base of the cross sat a notebook with a threadbare grey cover, laying open to the first page. I fell to my knees and drew the book closer toward me, reading the loopy handwriting on the first page.
Lay all your problems down at the foot of the cross.
My brows crinkled involuntarily as I struggled to understand what that meant. Turning the page, I read on, seeing a new handwriting.
My brother is in room 523. He was just diagnosed with cancer. And another sentence in new handwriting, this one sloppier, written directly underneath. My mom is sick and I don't know if my dad will be okay without her. I don't know how we'll survive.
And on and on they went, each something different in a new, unique font of writing.
I have to work a double shift tonight. Thought I'd pop in and see if Father could give me some strength :)
My boyfriend got in a really bad car accident.
I'm going to be a dad and I don't know if I'm ready.
We're all waiting to see if my little brother is eligible for eye surgery so he can finally see God's beautiful world.
Worst birthday ever.
I'M BEING RELEASED TODAY!
My aunt can't remember us anymore.
I don't know if I'm going to be a mom when I leave here.
Each one took my breath away, but the last one I'd stopped to read nearly stopped my heart from beating. Her situation was like mine. Would I leave here as a parent? It squeezed the life out of every cell in my body not knowing... Wondering... Waiting...
Everything slowly pieced together and I understood what this was. This was a prayer book, a place to leave your doubts, worries, and fears. But it was something more. Like leaving it underneath a cross meant Jesus could actually see them. Hear them. Take them.
Suddenly, I was crying.
I tried to wipe at the tears streaming down my cheeks, but they only poured out faster. My throat flamed even worse from the emotions clogging it, but I couldn't stop the sudden emotional crash.
Everything was messed up.
"I can't do this," I rasped around sobs. "Jesus, I can't do this."
I looked up at the cross, not even knowing if I was doing this right. Tears dripped down my neck and into the lining of my T-shirt. "Can you even hear me?"
Of course there was no answer, but something compelled me to keep talking anyway. "Everything is falling apart... My relationship with Sav is in shambles and I don't think I can live knowing I've done what I did to her... I've messed everything up with my sister. She's been lying to me this whole time and I don't know if I can trust her after something like this. I love her but I just... I don't know... And Abby-" My voice cracked as another sob overwhelmed me. "Oh, God, I can't do this anymore."
I was done. I was done trying to do all of this alone. Trying to piece together what was real and what wasn't. There had to be a God, and right now, I needed there to be one. I couldn't keep doing this or I might completely break apart at the seams.
"Please," I barely muttered, burying my wet face in my trembling hands. "Please, I'm begging you. Keep her alive. I'll live with every other problem... but just keep her alive... Please."
After a long moment, more words leaked from my mouth, ones I hadn't even meant to say, though they were barely intelligible. "I believe you're there, God. I believe in your Son and his strength. I believe. So please... Please..."
And nothing changed right then and there. But my tears slowly dried up and as I stared at the red light-streaked cross, I felt like maybe this whole time, Jesus was the one missing piece.
Sav's beautiful voice floated into my head and for the first time, I felt like I truly knew what she meant when she said, "Jesus changed everything."
A/N So yeah, I know this is a shorter chapter but KASON ACCEPTED JESUS AHHHHH!!!!!! *dance party praising the Lord* WOOOO!!! I'm so proud of him!!! <333 Now everything can start to get better right?..... RIGHT??? .... 0-0 XD What are your thoughts on this chapter?? I would love to hear them here! ----->