"This is hopeless..."
I watched as Mori seemed to be having a battle of the wills with the documents in front of him. The man's once clean clinic was in complete disarray; more stethoscopes than I thought we owned were scattered across the room, medical files and other documents were placed hazardously on any flat surface that could be found, and the once orderly academic books were in no better shape.
Mori himself was no better. His lab coat hadn't seen the dry cleaners in quite some time, his hair was a half combed mess, and dark eye bags stuck to the man's face as if permanently glued on. I couldn't bring myself to feel sorry for the man though, he was just another monster in a city full of them. Another evil playing at being human.
Just like me.
"Our weapons smugglers are two weeks behind schedule. My men are going to be fighting with kitchen knives at this rate. And it doesn't stop there. We've already had three violent incidents this month where the city police had to be involved. I'm losing control of the low level grunts," the man complained.
Mori has only been the leader of the Port Mafia for a year, a position that I helped put him in. The doctor was still new to leadership, but familiar with the various hardships. The sight of him struggling like this brought me a slight bit of joy as it always did. Though the overly common sight has started to become rather dull with time, just like everything else.
The man continued to complain, going on about losing contracts for the protection business, the escalating conflicts, and the steadily increasing loss of the Port Mafia's turf. "Maybe I'm just not cut out for this. What do you think, Dazai? Are you even listening to me?"
I stared down at my beaker and the glass stirrer in it, watching the way the chemicals move. I was always listening, something that he seemed to know and fear. "Maybe, maybe not," I said, not giving the man any help. My bandages brushed reassuringly against my skin, a familiar weight.
"So which is it?" Mori questioned like a high school girl asking about a crush.
This man is wasting my time.
"Come on, Mori. Everything that comes out of your mouth is always so boring!" I complained, messing with a new medicine bottle. Mori's gotten so predictable over the year I've been with him. "It's starting to sound like you're chanting a mantra 'we don't have enough money. We don't have enough intel. My men don't trust me.' You knew from the start that things would turn out this way."
Another reason I couldn't feel sorry for the doctor. It was one thing to bring something on yourself by accident, another to do it purely on purpose.
"Well maybe you're right," Mori sighed. The man suddenly stared at me as if realizing something. "By the way, Dazai, why are you mixing hypertension medicine with hypotension medicine?"
"Huh? Because maybe something cool will happen and I'll be able to die in peace." I know that my mixing the hypo and hypertension medicines won't kill me, but maybe it will at least be interesting
"That isn't going to kill you. How did you even get into the medicine cabinet? It was locked." Mori snatched the new bottle from my hands before sighing deeply.
At this rate, I might kill him before I kill myself.
"Give that back! I want to die!" I reached for the bottle, but he just moved it farther out of reach. "Life is so boring; I'd rather die! But I want it to be quick and painless, help me out, Mori!"
"I'll teach you how to properly mix drugs if you promise to be a good boy and stay out of trouble."
Good boy? Gods, you make it sound like I'm nothing more than a misbehaving dog asking for a treat.
"Liar!" I screamed, calling the sadistic man out. "You're just saying that so you can use me! Do you have any idea how much you've put me through this year? And what did you teach me? Nothing!" Everything I've learned in the year that I've been here, I've taught myself. Anytime he stepped in to quiz or direct me, he controlled the information. Learning to mix chemicals and medicines was off the table. Outright teaching me strategies was a no-go since I wasn't officially a part of the organization. I haven't had any real combat training since I was thirteen, back at camp, nearly two years ago. My body has grown weak from all the failed attempts and experiments that I don't even know how well I would fare in combat. The only thing he has done was use me for his own gain, use my brain to further his own ends. "I'm gonna quit this organization and join one of our rivals!"
"Now, now, learn to think before you speak. Your death won't be quick or painless if you betray us," Mori smiled darkly.
Trust me, I know. That's the only reason I haven't up and disappeared months ago.
"I'm so bored. Why's the world such a boring place?" Everything and everyone are so predictable, nothing of interest ever happens.
I swung my legs like a small child. Nothing beyond what I expect has happened, everything is boring and repetitive. Even Mori's betrayal wasn't unexpected. Everything is to preditiable.
"More importantly, Dazai, you were the only one there when I inherited the previous boss's position. I'm other words, you are the sole witness to his final will and testament. I can't have you dying on me."
Of course, always tracking back to that day. Mori seemed to believe that we were tied together from some string of fate. He seems to have forgotten that I was supposed to be an expendiable piece for him to throw away.
"It didn't work out like you planned, though," I told the doctor with a startling clarity. The man's eyes gleamed slightly in confusion at my remark.
"What do you mean?" He was subconsciously leaning forward.
I have him.
"Choosing someone who's attempted suicide to be your accomplice was an excellent idea. But here we are, an entire year later, and I'm still alive... and that's why that deep seated fear is still eating at you."
I could see the moment Mori's blood seemed to turn to ice. Something like the word miscalculation was ringing in his ears, haunting him for months now. This man has hurt me more in a year than anyone else has managed to do in my entire life. He punished me, trying to break me because I was still alive, and yet he wouldn't let me die. He feared my existence and yet wouldn't let me end it for the same reasons.
"... what are you talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about. You're afraid that someone will find out that you assassinated the previous boss."
You're terrified of it.
I kept my face emotionless, making my thoughts impossible to read. I could see the fear tearing away at Mori, controlling him. I wanted to reinforce that fear, let him drown it. After all, it's only fair to share the pain.
"What do you mean it 'didn't work out'?" I watched as Mori's brows furrowed, looking at me as if I was an imprudent child. Was this how the gods looked at me when I sent them Medusa's head? "Nothing fell short of expectations. You and I successfully carried out the mission one year ago. It wasn't without hardship, however, which is exactly why I never want to do something like that again."
"The mission isn't over yet," I reminded the boss, staring him down with a cold gaze. "It only ends when everyone involved in the assassination and fabrication of the boss's final testament have been silenced... permanently. Right?"
I could see the emotions rolling through Mori, "... you..."
I stared the man down, seeing every late night worry and fear that had crossed his mind. The way he's fretted over what he would do if I decided to sell him out. I could see it all.
"To the end, I was the perfect accomplice. Nobody would suspect a thing. Once you became the boss after I vouched for you... I could simply killer myself for some unknown reason."
My eyes bored into him, watching the way he squirmed beneath my gaze. Bringing this man pain was like some kind of divine retribution. I could see the alarm bells ringing through the old man's head, with it, his regret in choosing me. My actions were too unpredictable, my mind twisted, observant, cold, calculating, and dark. The mafia is full of the most evil in the Yokohama district, even among them, I have no true equivalent. Mori knows this, he fears this.
"...I'm kidding. I was just making stuff up because I get a kick out of watching big shots like you squirm. It's what I've been doing to keep myself entertained lately," I told the doctor, slipping back into my usual, blank expression. The sea is always changing, forever unpredictable. As a child of the sea, so was I. One moment, I'm the smartest man in the room, but as soon as everyone believes they have it figured out, I'm raving about suicide once again, wearing away at the peoples' minds like the ocean against the shore.
"You remind me of someone," Mori said suddenly.
"Who?" I asked, curiosity lacing my tone. Mori has never compared me to anyone, not when I was as strange as I am.
Mori didn't answer the question.
How annoying, I thought bitterly.
"At any rate, stop teasing your elder," Mori scolded, a faint smile scaring his face. I knew better than to trust any smile of his. "Me? Permanently silence you? Don't be ridiculous. Besides, I would have done that long ago if I really had wanted to. It'd be simpler than breathing. How many times have I stopped you from killing yourself this year alone? It's quite taxing, you know. I even disarmed a bomb under your chair once like the protagonist in a movie."
I smiled slightly at the memory. He was sweating bullets that day, working furiously away at the device. I'd just been hoping it might take us both out at once so I could ask Uncle Hades about throwing Mori away into the Fields of Punishment or Tartarus once I crossed the river styx. There was always a coin tucked away in my coat pocket for that very journey.
"Dazai, if you really want, I can prepare a drug so that you can end things comfortably," Mori claimed suddenly. I watched as he opened a desk drawer, pulling out a sheet of paper, shifting writing on it.
"Really." I asked, my disbelief obvious. I didn't believe what the man was saying for a second. He'd just been complaining about the work it's taken to keep me alive not five seconds ago, now this?
"I need you to do a quick investigation for me in return, though," Mori said, still writing. "It's not a difficult task. Nothing dangerous. But you're the only one I can go to for help."
"Sounds fishy," I eyed the man reproachfully. Whatever he was scheming wouldn't end in my death, but I could make him keep his word.
"You know Suribachi City, near the Yokohama settlement, correct?" the man asked, rolling right over my previous remark. Mori never asked about my past, he had no true knowledge about where I was before I came to him. He only had theories and assumptions if he cared to think about it even that much. He probably at least assumed that I was from there. "Lately, there have been rumors that a certain individual has been seen in that area. I'd like you to go there and check if the rumors are true. This," Mori said, indicating the paper that he had been writing on, "is called a Silver Oracle. It's a decimation of authority, you could say. Show this to anyone in the Port Mafia, and they will do whatever you ask. Use it wisely."
I glanced between Mori and the document being held out to me, then asked, "who is this certain individual you want me to look for?" I think I already know, but hearing it from him would be better than going in half blind. Not that that's not the case already.
"Guess," Mori said simply.
I couldn't help but sigh, people were so tiring sometimes. "I don't want to guess."
"Just guess."
I glared at the underground doctor for a moment, but that got me nowhere. I replied slowly to the annoying man:
"... There's no way the most powerful man in the Port Mafia would give a second thought to some town gossip. That stays a lot about just how important this rumor is. Plus, you're giving me a Silver Oracle, which makes me think this individual isn't what's important. It's the rumor itself. You have to know the truth, and you have to quash the rumor at its source; it's spread alone is harmful. You asked me to investigate instead of a professional or one of your top subordinates, so there's only one person this individual could be: the previous boss. Right?"
"Exactly," the man confirmed. "There are some people who must never rise from the grave. I personally confirmed his death, even gave him the most exceptional funeral."
I'd dug around in the kitchen the night before the funeral and found some whiskey. Sleep has always been a hard thing for me to come by, with the demigod visions and all, but even after leaving the mythological world, falling asleep was still a nightmare in itself. I'd drunk myself sleep that night and slept through the day. Mori had been pissed that I had missed the funeral, but that was the most sleep that I had gotten in years. I drank myself to sleep most nights that I could get my hands on something before going back to my storage container.
"Someone who must never rise from the grave, huh...?" I let the words hang for a moment before sighing and standing. "Looks like I really am the only one that you can go to for help," I snatched the paper from Mori's claws. "You're gonna get me that drug then, okay? You better keep your word."
The 'Or I'll make you' went unsaid and unheard by everyone in the room.
The doctor smiled. "This is your first job. Welcome to the Port Mafia."
I made my way to the door, something close to eager to get this done with, when I stopped.
"By the way, who's the person you said I reminded you of?"
The man smiled cruelly before answering, his tone laced with something akin to melancholy and pride, "Me."
The word shook my bones, hurting what little soul I'd forgotten I had. I know that I'm similar to this man, but I didn't want to acknowledge the fact, much less have him openly do so. It was one of the many things that I just wanted to forget.
"Dazai, I may not be able to comprehend your answer, but I nonetheless want to know: why is it you wish to die?"
I couldn't stop the puzzled expression from morphing my face. Isn't it obvious? Him asking me this is like me asking him why he wants to live.
Something like youthful innocence to me over, my eyes, my voice, when I finally answered:
"Let's turn that question around. Is there really any value to this thing we call living?"